Hi. For once, this isn’t Alexander. I know you were expecting him but today.
He’s handed me the reins so that I can give you a true and honest account of what it was like to not only meet the narcissist, but go through the cycle of him having control over me, to losing that control.
I’m in a good place where I can reflect and happily offer what I know in the hope it reaches other victims.
Remember, you are not a survivor, you are a thriver. Getting control back means getting your life back. I think that’s a pretty powerful thing.
A little about me
It’s difficult for me to comprehend just how lonely I was before I met the narcissist.
I’d struggled growing up with feeling valued and loved, and as a result I felt I never really knew myself.
I wanted to honor my life by finding somebody I knew I could trust, and who would look after me. Somebody I didn’t have to fight to get affection from, you know?
I care deeply, so when it comes to love, I care just as much about who I meet and how I think they will affect my life.
I love to know that I am helping whoever I’m with, whether that be personally or professionally.
I want to see them grow and shine. I never used to worry about that for myself. I suppose I just didn’t matter as much if at all.
I’d had relationships in the past that didn’t work out, so I knew exactly the type of person I wanted to meet and settle down with.
I thought that’d be hard to do, but when I was in the library one rainy Tuesday morning, there he was, smiling at me through the shelves.
Meeting them: wow
It was a real moment. Wiping away the rain from my forehead and returning his smile, I felt an instant connection.
It was like something out of a movie, as he sauntered round to the aisle I was in and introduced himself to me.
His name was Ben, and we started chatting about how dark it was outside. I said I liked that kind of heavy weather, as it made me feel calm and like I could breathe, and he instantly agreed. That was it. I knew there and then that I’d found my person.
He became somebody who I learned to rely on. I depended on his presence to make my day better, sometimes at the cost of what I wanted.
I wasn’t even aware I was doing this, it just felt right to let him take the lead in every aspect of our relationship.
He just knew what I needed
Isn’t it funny how that goes? I just thought Ben was a really good judge of character. It was like he knew what I wanted even before I knew.
If I had a bad day, he’d make it better by taking me out. He’d tell me things like, “You’ve been so busy lately.
Let me sort out the kitchen design.” Sometimes it’d be smaller things like, “I want to surprise you with what to have for dinner tomorrow night. Let me pick.”
It got to the point where I actually didn’t recall the last time I made a decision.
Packaged up sweetly as trying to care for me or show concern, I allowed it. It felt great for him to take the driving seat.
I needed somebody who was sure of themselves and who could take care of the day to day.
Do you see how subtle it can be? I was so taken aback by the force of the control that I didn’t even realize that’s what was happening to me.
And of course, Ben was in his element. I would listen to what he decided to do, nod along with it, and that became my life.
Even to the point where he convinced me that my best friend didn’t even like me, so I stopped talking to her.
The moment I realized, I’d lost control
One day when I was told by Ben that the finances were now going to be fully dealt with by him was the moment I knew I had lost total control.
Even though my name was on the account too, Ben told me that he felt he needed somebody with a detailed eye to keep track of income and outgoings.
He said to me, “I will give you some money every week, and you can spend it on groceries. If there’s anything left , you can keep it for yourself.”
One week, there was $2.01 left. It wasn’t even enough to get a coffee on my way out the store. I didn’t have anything else, no other way of getting myself anything because he’d taken my bank card and destroyed it.
I had no idea what he was spending, as I had no access to the statements.
Getting it back
The time came when I had to gain control back. I wasn’t working, and I didn’t feel I had any rights, but we were married and I shared that account, so I wanted access.
I took myself to the bank with my ID, and told them I’d lost my bank card. I was able to get a statement on the day, and a print out of the last three months, and I was shocked.
Not only had Ben signed up to a gym, he’d also paid out on expensive meals for work, purchased a new laptop for himself, and spent a lot of money in expensive clothing stores.
Meanwhile I had to ask for extra money to buy sanitary products.
I got a new card sent to me in the post, and I read Ben my rights as joint account holder.
The moment I realized: the power was mine!
He did not like this at all. He was furious that I’d gone behind his back to get access, and avoided accountability for spending freely while I was counting cents.
The more I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t to blame, the more he tried to act the victim.
“I did not create this situation,” I said. “You took our finances away from me while you spent it all on yourself.”
Ben’s face was a picture. He knew at that point there was no use in trying to gain back what he’d kept hidden from me.
He also knew that I was not a person to be messed with any longer.
Now I had a card, I was able to see everything whenever I wanted.
Naturally, our marriage soon after came to an end. I was of no use to him now I’d grown a backbone and refused to put up with his abuse.
There was nothing he could do to keep the wool pulled over my eyes, and as hard as it was and as long as it took to heal,
I eventually got to a place where I trusted myself, and knew myself again.
Thank goodness I did. And you can, too.
