When Valentine’s Day rolls around, it’s natural to want to spend it romantically floating in the theme of love and romance.
It’s a special day for those in a relationship to remind each other how special they are to the other person, and it warms up an otherwise grey, dull February day…
…Unless you’re with a narcissist. That’s right. Being with a narcissist on Valentine’s only highlights everything that’s missing in your relationship, leaving you feeling sad and empty.
Let’s look at that in more detail, shall we?
#1 You wait all year
For those who love the concept of love in all its glory, Valentine’s Day is a day that can be anticipated all year.
You wait, you hope, you wish, and you plan. You want to make it special for the person you’re with, and quite right, too.
It’s a time to celebrate the love between you, and make time for each other.
These are all lovely ideas, and there are so many potential recipients out there who would only be too excited to receive the flowers, the romance, the meal, the candles, and the intimacy.
You wait all year to see what your partner has planned, too. But the catch is, they are a narcissist.
Well, this changes everything.
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#2 Building up to any special occasion…
Listen, I am fully on board with the build up to any special occasion. I love that we can go through the calendar and make time to think about the people we love, and make days unforgettable.
You book the restaurant, you buy the outfit, you plan the meal, you buy the card that says a million times how much you love them.
As you build each step toward Valentine’s, there’s a big part of you that is anticipating your partner doing the same.
What card will I get?
Will they buy me roses?
Maybe they will propose!
You feel a flutter in your stomach as you think about what surprises lay in store for you.
And this is precisely why so many victims stay, right? It’s the hope of something, rather than the actual reality of what’s going on.
The hope is that there will be a change or shift in how they treat and see you.
The reality is that there will never be a moment you feel more flat and unloved than waking up on Valentine’s Day with a narcissist.
Everything you want is revealed as being missing in your relationship, and it’s a cruel reality to have to face.
#3 Always met with disappointment
The disappointment is real, and I get it. I’ve heard many stories from you all out there about what should be a day of love, that turned out to be falling asleep crying because the day didn’t go to plan.
I wanted it to be special.
They didn’t even remember.
They went to work.
They started an argument with me.
I tried so hard.
The disappointment of never being met with the same love you want to give out is the worst part.
Victims feel like it’s the one day a year they can shower their partner with love and affection, and it’s met with constant criticism, cynicism and rejection.
Then comes the thoughts:
Nothing I do is good enough.
It’s my fault.
I should just leave them be.
I don’t know why these days seem to matter so much.
You see other couples enjoying the day and celebrating their love, and you wonder what you did wrong to make your day impossibly painful.
#4 You just want the simple things
Don’t we all? The simple things don’t have to mean much, or even cost much.
They’re about those little, romantic reminders to the person you love that you love them.
And yes, Valentine’s Day is largely a day for companies to make money from your chosen displays of affection, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it in your own, small, inexpensive ways.
A walk in nature, a picnic, your favorite movie and a glass of wine; it doesn’t have to cost much, and you don’t have to get sucked into the corporate side of things.
That’s what makes it so harem right? You just want that one token moment in the day where you are together, feeling the love.
But with a narcissist, even that isn’t possible.
#5 When even the most basic love is not provided
It’s human nature to want to be loved, but when even the smallest gestures aren’t offered, something has to be wrong.
I bet you’re thinking, “I just wish I knew how to bring out his romantic side.
I want to see the soft side of his character.” I hear you. Many victims of narcissistic abuse long to see a side of their abuser that doesn’t exist.
When they lack the ability to even give the most basic form of love to their partner, automatically you hold onto that and blame yourself.
I beg you not to do this. It only ends in you holding onto guilt that doesn’t belong to you.
#6 The war with your self-worth
The correlation between the narcissist’s lack of care for you and your relationship, and your dwindling self-worth should not be ignored.
The reason you feel so down and low isn’t because there’s something wrong with you, but it’s down to the environment you’re in.
It’s down to all the chances the narcissist has to make you feel special, and they fail.
You are not the failure here. You didn’t cause this. Narcissists will make you feel like the most uninteresting person on the planet on Valentine’s Day, and all that does is open the door for everything that is missing in your relationship.
#7 What’s missing: the painfully obvious
Where do I even start?!
Affection. What a day to express it. A hug, a kiss, a dance in the kitchen while the coffee is brewing, even a card that tells you how loved you are.
Time. You want it, and they have it, but it’s never directed at you. You feel lost, knowing that they could be there to make the day warm and inviting, but they choose not to.
Energy. What you pour into something will help maintain it or help it grow. Without energy, nothing develops.
Which is why you’d be sat home on Valentine’s wondering what you did to deserve such cold treatment.
Connection. We all want it, and when we don’t get it, it’s painfully obvious that something is missing.
You want what others seem to have, and Valentine’s Day is that painful reminder that you will never be truly happy with a narcissist.
You paint a picture of them all year, and you love the version you create. Instead, I ask you to look at what’s really going on before your eyes.
The version of them that is real is the version that hurts you, lies, betrays, criticizes, mocks, taunts, and goads into their drama and games.
Ask yourself this:
Do I want to be here next Valentine’s Day, waiting, wishing and hoping still?
If the answer is no, then it’s time to re-evaluate everything.
