Last Updated on June 1, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester
I am what I am
I don’t want praise I don’t want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it’s noise I think it’s pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not try to see things from a different angle
Your life is a shame
Till you can shout out: “I am what I am”
La cage Aux Folles
I had a distant cousin who died to young at 58. We had lost touch, but because he died young, without any immediate family I was contacted by those who were trying to sort out his estate.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t help as we had never been close but I then felt an obligation to find out more about him and what I assumed, wrongly, was a lonely existence.
When younger he had been obsessed with cars, and electronics and had a mousy wife, who to everyone’s surprise just ran away and left him for a guy at work.
Full of guilt for my neglect I visited his village and found out a neighbour who told me in the blunt terms that people use without malice, that my cousin had been transgendered went under the name of Cathy or Cat.
She (Cat) had amassed a beautiful collection of dresses, hats, shoes and jewelry and when not at work, would become Cat and live a double life,
which in our culture was still moderately risky and would definitely have earned disapprobation in the traditional village where he/she had lived.
The full story, of her life though I found out is written out appended to hundreds of images he has shared publicly on the internet via Flicker.
There Cathy stands in all her six feet of blonde, blue-eyed slightly dame-ish beauty. Brave to a point and gloried in columns inches from her “trans” community.
Apparently, that’s what trans girls do, it’s a community thing, a therapeutic release if you like, of lives they cannot live because we live in a narrow and bigoted world that values the shallow rather than seeks to understand the complex.
But Flickr isn’t just about images it provides a forum for self-disclosure and commentary.
Cat’s profile and commentary was simultaneously self-effacing and full of cruel statements about genetic women.
She wasn’t alone, following links within the T-girl community, led me to loads of similar blasts at non-T women.
T girls appear to have an exaggerated understanding of femininity, but it doesn’t stop with the clothes, underneath all I felt that there was a certain, almost theatrical bitchiness worthy of Albin from “La Cage Aux Folles”.
Within the bounds of their community it appeared there was a tendency to feel superior and to denigrate other women.
There also appears to be a burgeoning commentary in the media where it is becoming a dangerous thing for feminist commentators to exclude transgender issues from the mainstream feminist analysis.
A sociologist friend of mine suggested to me that transgendered women are taking over the feminist debate with all the sensitivity of an alpha male!
I became interested in the relationship between Transgender self-esteem and possible narcissism as an explanation for this interesting phenomenon.
I am what I am
High self-esteem is generally held up to be “a good thing” though some suggest it can be associated with aggression, grandstanding and excess assertiveness.
Dr Sheldon Solomon suggests that some are confusing high self-esteem with defensive narcissism.
Lisa Firestone builds on these ideas and in her writing provides a point-by-point comparison of narcissism and high self-esteem where she suggests the former seeks to dominate, pull down others, reject criticism, and want to be recognized above others.
Self-esteem values equality, shared success, takes criticism as feedback and sees the value in others.
Tendency To Narcissism in Trans People?
Why then is there a tendency for narcissism in trans people? Like many aspects of narcissism, the origins of this phenomenon are not chosen but made in early childhood.
A child who is praised for being something which they know they have not achieved or perhaps even wanted will develop insecurity.
Insecurity in affection and one’s self is one of the contributing factors to the development of narcissism.
So, imagine being a young child who knows that in their head they are female, but they are praised for displaying any characteristics which equate with the opposite gender “That’s my boy!” or “he’s a typical boy…”
This can cause insecurity for some and rob the young transgendered person of any hope of high self-esteem.
Erik Erikson suggested as long ago as the 1950’s that the games children play are an attempt to synchronize body, social processes and the sense of self,
so little boys are bought guns, weapons, and tools; girls on the other hand are encouraged into domesticity, childcare and craft.
So, for a transgendered mind, there can be no synchrony.
Without synchrony, there can be no high self-esteem and therefore in this context, a tendency to observe narcissistic behavior becomes a viable alternative.
The answer to this conundrum lies in the options now becoming available to transgendered people in that surgery,
hormones can in part create healthy narcissistic regard. Covert narcissism is unhealthy and carries a cost to the individual – a feeling of arrogance, superiority and being hypersensitive.
Overt narcissism according to Freudians at least, is about enjoying one’s whole identity is a peaceful state.
So why were the columns of my cousin’s transgendered friends filled with so much vitriol even from women who have transitioned?
Perhaps this can be explained by looking at the issues not from individuals’ point of view but wider society.
Here are still problems, since although we have a few brave role models in the form of well-known figures such as the celebrity Caitlyn Jenner;
singer Adele Anderson; human rights activist Chelsea Manning and gender re-assignment surgeon Dr Marci Bowers, the wider acceptance of transgender people in society without stigma remains problematic.
Narcissism with therefore remain an issue for many transgendered people until like Albin they can shout without fear of ridicule “Hey world I am what I am!”
23 thoughts on ““I am what I am”, Transgender and Narcissism”
Dr Sheldon Solomon suggests that some are confusing high self-esteem with defensive narcissism.
I heard a sociologist say one time that “there is no such thing as passive aggressiveness — that it’s ALL aggression”. In the same way I don’t see how narcissism can ever be described as self defensiveness unless they are referring to the much larger idea that narcissism stems from their need to find a coping mechanism to deal with intense shame.
But even then, calling it defensive mode is more similar to the people who claim that a man who beats up on his wife is “defending himself from her words”. As long as you’re harming someone else then you’re attacking. Self defense only mitigates the wrongfulness when they attacked first and… you can’t get away.
The intense shame which creates narcissism, happens in childhood. Dear Mr Narcissist, you don’t get to beat up people in a town hall meeting just because twenty years ago someone made you feel bad. Learn to deal with past feelings of hurt like a freaking grown-up, the way everybody else does.
> Like many aspects of narcissism, the origins of this phenomenon are not chosen, but made in early childhood. A child who is praised for being something which they know they have not achieved or perhaps even wanted will develop an insecurity. Insecurity in affection and one’s self is one of the contributing factors in the development of narcissism. So, imagine being a young child who knows that in their head they are female, but they are praised for displaying any characteristics which equate with the opposite gender “That’s my boy!” or “he’s a typical boy…” This can cause insecurity for some and rob the young transgendered person of any hope of high self-esteem.
Oh please. There is no such thing as brain sex — unless you’d also like to make the argument that there is a “negro brain”. You’ve finally noticed that there exists an extraordinarily high correlation between narcissism and transgender women, so now you’re in spin control mode, still trying to put forth the idea of brain sex without ever once noticing how incredibly sexist and unscientific that actually is.
I’m human and like most humans, I enjoy a wide variety of activities. Some of those preferences would have been coded masculine a hundred years ago while some of them coded feminine. But just because a boy prefers pink is the not the reason which means he has a “female brain” any more than a white person preferring rap music means that he has a “negro brain”. Sexist and racist stereotypes are still stereotypes no matter how you spin it.
100% agree with you! Brain sex is ridiculous and the research is biased.
Oh please. There is no such thing as brain sex — unless you’d also like to make the argument that there is a ..
The article doesn’t claim “brain sex” but is referring to “mind” and feelings. Secondly I suggest you read up on the David Reimer case
Unfortunately too common. You can’t simultaneously hate women and say they have no right to talk about their body parts and deny them automonomy and insist your non uterus body should have more say in abortion rights and menstruation than us with these organs do and then insist a spot at the table.
If you’re going to act like a man and deny our right to say vagina and talk over us and about his stupid and gross we are, we don’t have to listen. Dressing like a woman and then acting like a man does not give you insight into any of our struggles or a right to make their agenda more important than ours, simply by denying our right to positive body image.
Being a ‘cis’ woman does not mean that my life is easy. This world is still misogynistic and unsafe for us, too.
This opinion did not come easily to me. I have had relationships with these people. And I I’ve been harassed endlessly, insulted and finally stalked by one, and I got kicked out of the womens group because ‘she deserves a chance’ even though she was following me, begging others to get my number after I said no and literally repeating everything I said, word for word during shares
So, now I can’t have the resources of a woman’s group. This man dressed as a woman got me kicked out because I wouldn’t do as he want and go out with HIM.
Women don’t usually act this way, it is unfeminine and unbecoming on anyone. I can just imagine thekind of hell he’s putting others through.
Most trans are fake as f***. They do not want to be women. They want control. It is not alright. They need to get out reproductive organs issues. Their opinions are useless here. And if they think menstruation is gross, they are not women. Period.
Had a close relationship with a Trans person whom I supported in their life struggles,but when it came to me and my struggle with domestic violence and recovering from a terrible attack,to the point I was almost suicidal,this person not only wasn’t there for me,but spread horrible lies about me and actually had some of my so called Allies,block me. I really needed this article,I’ve caught so many lies from said person…and about that last part,yea I had a person who has no uterus tell me their cramps were as bad as mine-one month=WTF. I support people who want to be themselves, but not at the expense of tearing others apart. I am now leary as Hell about “Allies”
I too had a relationship with a Trans. It was the most emotionally abusive relationship I ever experienced and though I loved him “her” enough to encourage and support, any thing not focused on him was complete neglect…to say the least. The insults, accusations, blackmail or claims of abandonment were brutal. I pray everyday and I see “she” is on the her path she wants to be but can barley forgive the abuse I endured. I found this article I’m searching for healing by understanding her. Thank you so much.
“So, imagine being a young child who knows that in their head they are female” But they are not. Nothing else matters. They are deluded and need psychiatric care. They are in for a horrific life if they continue to think up is down, or water is air.
How so many people have bought into this, it is incredible. Some people think they are Jesus. Some think they are from another galaxy, or are demon processed. Many people believer they have led past lives. And the one the Trans community hates is that there is a large group of people with Animal Dysphoria, or Species Dysphoria who think they are an animal of one kind of the other. If someone with Animal Dysphoria walks into his doctor, I doubt the doctor would tell him he needs a tail and four legs so he can be congruent with his delusional thoughts.
Further, if this is not a mental problem, then what is it? It’s not physical or spiritual (unless they are possessed I guess) so what is it? How is it diagnosed? It is diagnosed only by the inner thoughts of the person making the claims at a given moment. Period. We basically take their word for it. The world has gone nuts with this. We will look back in horror in 50 years.
> and insist your non uterus body should have more say in abortion rights
Did you just predict the future? This is so relevant today! You literally hit the nail in the head!
Vagina is not a bad word.. Is penis similarly edited? How horribly sexist. We should not be denied the right of our bodies organs. This isn’t sexual.
Sadly Google does not agree with you…
Just want to Thank you for all your hard work Andrew,you have helped me navigate myself away from NPDrs…and into a healthier mind space. TY!
Google tends to censor everything that could be interpreted as transphobia, that leads to the topic too sensible to even discuss outside certain forums in the “alternative media” genre. If I am ever asked about trans people I would just tell “I am sorry but I know too little about trans people to tell any options but I think everyone should fight for their rights.”. Sadly in this case things need other networks. I want people to feel well, not be forced to fight for the rest of their lifes, when the real enemy is toxic shame ruling them from too deep inside for them to even discover. I have a question to you: Have you ever seen a trans person, let’s say an M2F, say something like “I may look like a man to you, but indeed I feel like a woman and prefer to live like a woman, no matter how my body is constructed or how others view me”?
Maybe this thing here, what is written here is from a close minded person, a transphobic person, shrugs who knows?!! There exist sooo many of them!!
Transgender is a DNA thing and has nothing to do with the psycho and childhood thing!!
We get discriminated and hate-attacked – we take a lot!!
How you for yourself protect yourself before close minded peoples who attack you because for who you are?
We are wounded by haters and other tpeoples or hings. Cptsd/ptsd, traumatic experience, becsause of who we are has a huge impact and effect on our psycho. Yess and it seem like we’re are narcisstic, we are not.
Google cptsd, ptsd, this disorder seems like to be narcisstic but it isn’t!!
I know it, because I had 3 narcissist as partners and I am a transgender. This is a huge differents!!
My husband has recently gotten into cross dressing. I searched this article because he is also very narcissistic and has often times demeaned women. He really does not have much interest in my feelings or fears about this. I am very much pro gay rights and believe any people can love each other. I even support polyamory. However, I have never felt comfortable with the transgender thing. I don’t care if someone wants to live as the opposite sex to feel more accepted for having traits more often assigned to the opposite sex, but I also don’t understand why people care so much about what society thinks to the point of using hormones and going through surgery. I guess I’ve just always felt comfortable being me. I’m a woman, but I can cut my hair short or wear whatever I want. I don’t feel the need to buy into any stereotype of what being a woman means. To me, it seems like a man trying to be a woman involves stereo typing what a woman should be. My husband has always pushed me to wear makeup and wear heels when I didn’t want to because that’s what he thinks it means to be a woman. I’m kind of offended that he is now trying to upstage me.
You have a sound mind I’d say. I think we’re going through a mass hysteria right now—gender is a fluid social construct, sex is not.. this whole thing just reeks of the last rotting stages of hyper-consumer capitalism. Nothing wrong with being liberal in terms of humans being treated equitably and ethically, despite their various quirks and preferences… we live in a pluralistic/plastic nation after all. However this distorted escape into another sex seems symptomatic of the vanity/superficiality of the culture we’re living in today. In fact is it not displaying a major weakness in self-esteem to do such a thing? Moving away from the deeper problems (cultural narcissism/vanity) into a cosmetic distortion seems to be more of a ‘giving in to’ pressure rather than a power move against the judgments of a sick image obsessed society.
So, All you women who thought it was so “sweet” to help your transgender friends got what you deserved. You didn’t value your natural female self-you were ready to let men come in and claim it as theirs, and then you got kicked in the teeth. YOU were the ones who taught men that all it took to be a woman was a dress and some makeup. What did you expect-thank you? Yes, you thought it gave you a kind of power over men who wanted to be like you. You felt powerful supporting gays and every other freakin’ pervert that came down the pike. Especially you feminists who trampled your feminine gifts of nurture, of bringing life into the world-you treated it as nothing and sought to be like men. Well, you played a big part in bringing this horror into the world-gays who male gifts that gave you respect you threw away, so you are nothing to them. Reap what you’ve sewn.hate women, trannies who hate women, bisexuals who hate women, gay women who hate everyone. you sold your birthright for an abortion pill and thought you had the world by the tail. Big surprise, ignorant women! Men are men, and they will dominate you, rule you, abuse you and accuse you. Your female gifts, which you discarded, were all you had to maintain some respect. Reap what you’ve sown.
I was abused (sexually) by a bisexual man when I was young. He then fled away to anouter country and became transgender. He now gest a log of sympathies while I am considered by many as a lier and homophobic of transphobic.
Most straight and bisexual transwomen are autogynephiles: that is, they are sexually attracted to the idea of themselves as women. They try to become their own ideal woman, and fall in love with themselves. Imagine the level of narcissism required to fancy yourself!
They get sexual thrills by looking at themselves dressed as women, by imitating women’s lives and behaviours, and by other people recognising them as women. But obviously, they are actually male and usually make frightening, hideous facsimiles of women. This makes their self-attraction delusional and fragile, and they require constant validation from outsiders to prop up their delusions of being sexy women. They also boast frequently of men and lesbians being attracted to them, to bolster their self-esteem. It also causes them to be viciously jealous of real women. 25% of serial killers are/were crossdressers, and I believe it is related to their hatred of women. To be a transwoman is inherently narcissistic, and every time their fetish is thwarted in anyway (any reminder that they are not real women, but vile perverted men), their experience narcissistic injury and rage.
You’re close, here! But missing a crucial element. Check out the work of Ray Blanch@rd, who did extensive work with this population. You can find some interviews with him on youtube. There’s also a book called “Men Trapped in Men’s Bodies” by Anne Lawrence, which one can find via google search as pdf.
It’s going to feel radically OMG obvious, once it clicks. Alice Dreger referred to the phenomena as “the love that would prefer you NOT say its name.” I think most of the myth of Narcissus.
And the typology has in no way been debunked, btw. A few trans women are, in fact, *just that good* at harassment campaigns and controlling the narrative.
Have you ever seen a trans person, let’s say an M2F, say something like “I may look like a man to you, but indeed I feel like a woman and prefer to live like a woman, no matter how my body is constructed or how others view me”? I wuld be very curious to know if a trans person has ever said such a thing. I have discovered their narcissism and it hits so bloody hard and is painful. They are full of shame often from a rough childhood, and they need help, There is an extensive documentary on Youtube of one who got sociopathic and derailed completely, ended up in jail for incest. “Chris Chandler”.
Another one in EU, (I do not wanna risk of being accused of “slurring” so I give him a number instead, please do not try to ring it, it on the phone! is random, 256713A-R ) ended up singing out a song on the country’s local song contest, about his bitternes over all critisism directed towards trans people, hoping to get heard, at least in that country, if not in ESC. Good thing ” 256713A-R” did not end up in ESC. The song was about his mother let him behave as he felt but others should “stop being ignorant”. Also, as I learned by studying his youtube videos, as a small child he learned how to crave attention throghout long boring entertainment shows his parents were watching, by simply dancing in front of the TV and sing. He learned that doing that would give him the attention from his parents. That is a form of learned stimuli/resoonse, much like James Olds discovered in his experiments with the brain and the reward system. During the years that made a man who was addicted to performance much like people can be addicted to gambling. Instead of performing for fun or just to be creative, it had become like a game.
I had a roommate with autogynephilia. I refuse to use female pronouns because under the long greasy hair and breast implants he was all man. He was a fat, lazy, slobbish mechanic who was married with four children (three of which were his). I needed a roommate and he had just been thrown out by his wife after he “came out as a woman” lol. I found out later that he had been having sex with men in his work van, which may have had something to do with it too.
I said rent was $400 a month + half of utilities. Considering he made three times my wage he readily agreed, saying he could afford it. As soon as his last box was unpacked he did a 180° saying he couldn’t afford utilities but offered to pay for internet instead. At the time I took pity thinking he had to cover attorney fees for his divorce and now had to pay child support for three kids, and he was thrown out with almost nothing and had to start over, so I agreed. Looking back I regret it.
After one month he said he couldn’t afford the full $400 but could afford to pay $200 and another $200 next paycheck. The next month he only paid $200. After that he stopped paying rent completely. For someone who couldn’t afford rent or utilities he sure could afford to treat himself. He bought himself a $700 bed and other furniture. Clothing, a TV, Amazon prime orders every other day. The real insult was when he mentioned donating money to the Human Rights Campaign and here he is not paying me rent. The entire time I kept thinking that I had always wanted to help others. I believe everyone has a moral and social obligation to succeed in life. Once you succeed, you are then morally and socially obligated to help other people because you yourself needed help once, too. Which is why I said nothing and paid all of the rent and bills.
After he moved out my 10yo daughter told me that whenever she would wear her zip-up onesie pajamas he would tickle her and “somehow” the onesie would become unzipped. Had I known that sooner, his moving out would have been a lot less peaceful and would have included a lot more claw hammer to the face.
These guys are predators. They’re perverts. Don’t even waste your precious time, energy, money or sympathy.
A man in a dress is a red flag.