Q & A: To What Degree Can a Narcissist Be if not a Full Blown NPD?

Q: To What Degree Can a Narcissist Be if not a full blown NPD?

He never gave me the first thing in 2 1/2 years. Nothing. He was charming but always withheld physical touch, and any sexual intimacy. Claimed he had ED. He did however, at the age of 39, claim to “fall in love”  with a 19 y.o. girl he impregnated…(she dumped him and got an abortion.)

You can imagine the abyss I fell in after that. I won’t bore you with the details. He was very emotionally distant, cold. He told me I had no right to feel pain when he did this with her b/c he said he had broken off talking to me. “I’m sorry you got hurt about something that was NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!” I once confided in him that a family member had been abusive. He later wished upon me that he hoped that person killed my grandchildren. I forgave him this. Never again. I get a bit confused b/c I do have this overwhelming infatuation but he finally pushed me over the line that I cannot cross. (Occult practices.) I cut things off. I had tried to do this before but failed. This time is different. I am staying away this time. I can thank him because he caused me to go into therapy (again…thought I’d put it behind me.) I found why I put up with his abuse. I slowly, slowly got better. Now I know it’s about not letting anyone walk on me without me loudly protesting and not putting up with it. I have to say it was confusing at times b/c I got kind of hooked on Kim and Steve Coopers website where it tells of ways to get better and NOT just run away from one with NPD. I put him on a scale of about 5 to 6 out of a 1-10 range. I thought he might be teachable, and surely I was the one to do it with all my vast experience, loving ways, and adoration of him. (Quit laughing…:) Definitely have rescue fantasies.

I believe that I will let someone rescue me, now. My question is about the fact he fits many of the characterisitics described but he never tried to flatter me, as such. But he strung me along for his n.s. Ooops! Jeez…think I just answered my own question. Thanks for a great website. I have been to many but found yours tonight. I am just trying to heal this heart b/c I beleive I DID go crazy-over him, with him, b/c of him…whatever. I just wonder how long it will take?

A: Narcissism is a continuum from normal, healthy self-love to the full blown personality disorder (NPD). Yes, you did answer your own question: he was stringing you along because you were a source of supply. A narcissist only gives as much as he needs to in order to obtain narcissistic supply. If he didn’t need to be charming to win you over then he wouldn’t expend the effort. I am glad to hear you are in therapy. Please stay with it until you feel confident that you won’t go back to him and confident that you will eventually get over him. Because of the intensity of your infatuation, I would venture to guess that it might take a while for you to heal your heart. Some people have reported healing in months, others take years. The best way to heal is to stay in therapy and re-build your self-esteem and self-confidence. Then you will be able to move on to a healthy, loving relationship.

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