Closure means a lot to so many people, and it’s because of the finality it gives them.
People like to close chapters before others begin, and the problem starts when you rely on other people to do that for you.
It should be that you allow yourself to mend what others broke, but when you leave it to the narcissist, you’re never going to have the answers.
And they know that.
Here’s why narcissists will never give you that closure.
The One Thing You Want
I want to speak for a lot of you here, because I know closure is an important thing for you.
Closure offers peace of mind. It’s the moment somebody you care about leaves you with the reason why they no longer want to be with you, or be in your life.
Yes, closure is a big part of being able to move on. You have the answers, and while they may hurt, you can be assured that the narcissist has firmly closed the door and moved on.
And they’re letting you know that you can, too.
Wanting What You Can’t Have: Theme of Your Life
It seems to be something that’s always been a desire for you, doesn’t it?
For as long as you can remember, you want something you can’t have. And I’m not talking about the narcissist.
I’m talking about the person you want them to be. They will never be the caring, loving, respectful lover or even friend.
It is a concept chased by you, like they were the stuffed rabbit on a track, and you were the greyhound.
There’s no prize.
There’s no happy ending.
If the narcissist can’t be what you want them to be when you’re with them, what makes you think they will revert to being otherwise as you part ways?
Wanting what you can’t have leaves you dancing blindly and bare feet in a world of hope, with the odd shard of glass on the floor.
For a while, it’s alright, but with each passing day, you’re risking real pain.
Your Supply
A lot of the time, yes. It’s about supply. Your supply.
You give them everything they want in order to thrive as a narcissist. You fuel them like they were at a pit stop in the Grand Prix.
You big them up, you fall into their games, and you subconsciously honor their control over you simply by existing.
Supply can be Your tears. How you so predictably cry whenever they trigger you (and rightly so, triggers are awful).
It can also be how you bite back when they entice you into a corner of conflict.
Or what about when they crawl to you for admiration? You big them up and tell them exactly what you think about them.
You like to see them happy with you, so you keep giving and giving.
Unwittingly, you are the narcissist’s supply.
Control: Loving it
Getting to know your narcissist well enough to be able to predict their moods can take a number of years.
What needs to occur for that is you taking off the rose-tinted glasses you’ve worn all this time, and seeing them for who they really are.
It’s where most people I speak to find their real pain.
They wonder where all those years went, or what they could have done to make the narcissist change and really love them.
In reality – there’s nothing you could do – the narcissist will still carry those same personality difficulties that they disguise under their obsession with control.
Lacking closure for you is still a form of that control, and while you may be sobbing into your pillow wondering yet again what you did wrong, the narcissist is loving knowing they’ve got to you.
It’s as if they want to punish you, isn’t it?
Well, in their eyes, they are.
Punishment Kicks in
Years of your life can sometimes go by wondering what to do after the narcissist leaves and never gives you closure.
This is the exact form of punishment they wanted to give you, and if you’re suffering after a long time, they’ve got you right where they want you.
But what is the punishment and lack of closure designed to fundamentally do to you?
Remember Them
Narcissists have such big egos that it’s hard for them to ever think they’ll be forgotten.
What do you mean, you don’t remember me?
Don’t you know who I am?
It’s one of their biggest fears – but by leaving the door wide open with you, they will never get that final goodbye either.
For them – that’s a good thing.
They love possibilities, and you are one big possibility.
They want you to remember them, and ask yourself:
Whatever happened to them?
That might include looking the narcissist up on social media. Wondering who they’re with now, or what they’re up to in life.
Suddenly, you’re stuck.
Feel Guilty
Was it something I did? Said?
Could I have treated them better?
I feel terrible for the way things ended.
I wish I could make it better, but they just won’t let me back in.
That’s not your fault at all. The narcissist has every opportunity and ability to let you in, but they don’t want to do it.
Instead, they want you to feel and live in that guilt for as long as possible.
And there’s nothing right about that.
Where does that leave you?
Never moving on.
Never knowing what emotional freedom really feels like.
Always putting yourself and your future relationships in a negative light.
So your confidence rots, and you end up living as though you were still with them anyway…
…Proving that if you allow it – the narcissist will never fully leave.
When You Need to Give Yourself Closure
When you let a person dictate to you, you are handing them control before you’ve even started.
You let how they treat you define how you feel. You act like you don’t make the rules up in your own life any more.
And like you probably always did with the narcissist, you don’t put your own feelings, your own needs, yourself, first.
Sometimes, we have to give ourselves closure.
We have to understand that silence and ghosting is the answer we are looking for.
You can’t force somebody to be in your life, or to treat you in a way you want them to. But you can listen and look at how they do treat you, and decide if it’s good enough or not.
So the narcissist is keeping you hanging, and refusing to give you closure?
Let them!
That doesn’t mean you’re suddenly unable to close the door on the relationship yourself.
In fact, I think that’s a really wise thing to do because it puts you in a place where your decisions help your future, not hinder it.
You can’t be stuck in limbo for the rest of your life, and let the narcissist dictate how you feel.
And you shouldn’t romanticise ghosting and lack of closure, either. It isn’t whimsical.
Melancholy and anxiety shouldn’t be celebrated long term.
So let the person who isn’t giving you closure go. Offer yourself the happy ending, and the finality you’re seeking.
