Do you ever pause and think why you dread Holidays and other special occasions that somehow involve you?
You watch other people build their excitement, but all you feel is built up tension.
There’s a knot in your stomach the closer you get to the big day, but you never really knew why.
Go back. Think about the narcissist you spent all those years with, and how they treated those landmark days.
I bet within two minutes of reflection, you will come to the very correct conclusion that they were the reason.
Here’s why.
The sick strategy
It takes a really sick mind to put such an awful dent into what should be special days, doesn’t it?
I will put it out there now and say it takes a very unwell, dysregulated person to purposely throw a spanner in the works for every single day that passes by, leaving you with nothing but negative memories and experiences.
Narcissists are those kinds of people though. Far be it from them to just be excited with everybody else and claim the day for whatever it was meant for. Instead, it’s a day to dread.
The build up
With each passing day to the occasion, plans will build as well as excitement.
Imagine you were in a healthy relationship, and your birthday was impending, or Christmas or whatever means a lot to you.
What would you like for your birthday?
Shall we get some special food in, or would you like to go for a meal somewhere?
Are you going to be seeing your friends? You should arrange some drinks.
I can always pick you guys up after and drop your friends home.
If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.
I hear you all… *sigh.*
Instead, you get the drama. They fall out with you for some reason that is beyond stupid.
They decided now is the perfect time to initiate the silent treatment because it’s fun to watch you squirm and divert your attention from the plans you’ve made.
If it’s Thanksgiving, they will forget to collect the turkey, or decide at the last minute to not be around and go fishing.
If it’s a vacation you’ve booked, they will ‘lose’ their passport and watch you strip and search the entire house until oops, they find it in their car.
There will be a sudden stress at work, where they spend all their waking hours trying to sort the issue and then blame you for whatever occasion is going to block any progress.
You will soon put the occasion to the back of your mind. It’s not important any more. In fact, you wish it wasn’t even happening because of the drama that is crawling up to it.
And why?
Why do they do it? As I gaze out of my window in order to phrase the answer as directly, yet friendly as I can, I have to lean more into the ‘direct’…
Because they’re toxic creatures who aren’t happy unless you’re miserable and broken.
Your happiness is poison to them, and seeing as they survive on sucking the life out of you, they don’t want to inadvertently poison themselves.
Narcissists are so insecure, even the day of your birth is a direct threat. Heaven forbid they celebrate anybody else but themselves for a day, or make it about family or friends at wider Holidays.
Day of the dread: how they ruin it
From the big ways to the little, more subtle, it’s all relevant when it comes to destruction.
I once knew of a narcissistic man who was self-employed.
In the days leading up to his annual vacation with his family, he’d take on extra work on purpose, and then complain about it.
Knowing they’d have to leave at 9am for the airport, he would dash out to attend a call at 7:30am, leaving everybody in the house stressed and constantly calling his cell for an update on his return.
Getting home, he’d have a face like the thunder the kids knew was a sign it was about to blow up.
He’d yell at his wife in front of them. “The only reason we can afford this vacation is because I am the breadwinner!
If it weren’t for me, we’d be vacationing in the backyard! Work has to come first!”
Tears would flow from their youngest child, who was sitting in the car with her flamingo sunglasses on waiting for what was previously sold to her by her father as the adventure of the year.
Was this how the start of a vacation should feel?
Your happiness becomes their need to sabotage
When the man above knew there was a holiday planned, he could see and sense the excitement from his wife and kids.
They could not wait to get out and enjoy time together and fly in a plane to get there! Sun, sea and fun times were awaiting them, but wait…
…Where in that sentence did I mention the narcissist?
Oh that’s right, I didn’t.
That means the center of attention becomes the vacation, not the narc dad.
He won’t stand for that! There must be a way to wreck their excitement and pull back a little of the attention, even if it’s negative!
Living with this chaos long-term
If you’re already living long term with this kind of treatment, you’re probably in a place where occasions and Holidays just hit differently.
Maybe you dread them and you didn’t even think why that might be.
Perhaps you’ve learned to push your birthday away and say it doesn’t matter; that it’s ‘just another day.’
Holidays roll around and you feel stressed before they’ve even gotten near. Why is that? What’s the cause? Before, you didn’t know, and now, you do.
Is it right to not mark special occasions, though? Is it normal to want to just get to the other side of them unscathed?
When you see everybody else out enjoying themselves on New Year’s, or Christmas, or gathered around the Thanksgiving table and laughing and joking together, do you wish that were you?
It could be, but that would depend on who you surround yourself with, doesn’t it?
It isn’t normal to feel depressed or anxious before big events, and if you do, then you have to start looking at the root of the issue.
You deserve better
Where I need to, I end certain topics with a quick reminder.
If you are familiar and experienced in how this feels, I want you to know that you can do so much better.
Not only are you wasting great opportunities to celebrate and have fun with the people you love, you’re also learning that yet again in some way, you don’t matter.
The narcissist prefers to throw drama at the build up of the occasion rather than build excitement with you.
That speaks volumes, and should be treated as a huge red flag.
Over a long period of time, you’re looking at spending your life with somebody who only knows how to celebrate what they want, when they want.
You’re worth more, and you deserve better.
