As well as being responsible for breaking your heart from a young age, narcissistic mothers know how to damage you, at times it feels beyond repair.
What we don’t talk about enough is that the older you get, the worse they become.
When you reach adulthood, they start to resemble your worst nightmare.
Why is that though? What exactly is going on in this warped, toxic dynamic that makes you feel more trapped by the year?
The good old days?
Do you remember much about your childhood? The nostalgic Holiday season, your bedroom with all your favorite things in it, going on summer vacation to the lake house, all that advice and support your mom gave you…
Okay that last part is probably not part of your childhood memories, but it should have been.
In reality, your childhood was the good old days for your narcissist mother. I know that might sound crazy, but hear me out and piece the puzzle together with me.
Your childhood would have been the ultimate power play for your mom.
Those younger years where you ‘live under her roof’ and ‘have to abide by her rules.’ Those years where you were at your most impressionable, and where what she said goes.
You didn’t have a choice because you were young, but also you didn’t really have the life experience or knowledge to understand that she was pure toxic.
So yes, they were the good old days, but only for your narcissistic mom. For you, they are probably hell to look back on, and pretty painful, too.
She will have known what full control of you felt like, and will have loved having that kind of power over those years.
Then… you grow up
Uh-oh! Big shock to your narcissistic mom’s system is that you’ve finally grown up and gotten more independent.
Painfully for her, you’ve started to think for yourself and more importantly, like thinking for yourself!
Soon enough, you outgrow her rules and start to live life on your own terms. You head off to college, or you find your own place to rent.
You meet somebody and get engaged, married, have children, live where you want, decorate it how you want, have whatever hobbies you want, and put whatever you want in your fridge!
Growing up to you feels liberating. You finally see what it’s like to build your own life, and make your own choices.
And no, your narcissistic mom doesn’t have to like them, but she no longer gets to have that final decision on what shade of green the walls in your hall should be.
Will she still criticize you? Absolutely! But you know what? That’s just her feeble attempt to still have a hold on you, but that’s where it’s down to you to push her thoughts aside and do what you want.
As an adult, you can do that! There’s no need to be rude about it of course, but there are boundaries you can implement so she stays in her lane and you can live happily in yours.
You’re no longer helpless
Can we all say it together?….
Ouch!
That huge amount of pain and frustration etched on your narcissist mother’s face is almost priceless, isn’t it?
You see it, and you understand she is threatened by your independent thought and action, but what can she do?
In truth, you are overdue to be your own person, as much as it may shock her to her core.
She’s also mad at you for daring to defy her. She still sees you as thai little child who hasn’t grown up, even though you have a mortgage and a great job.
When they feel threatened, they panic
Your independence became a threat to them the moment you started to own it. Like anything narcissists feel threatened by, they panic.
It’s not that they worry you’ll make a mistake in life, or lose something important to you, like your job. It’s rather that they worry you’ve gone forever; slipped through their toxic hands.
The little girl who they watched grow up is no longer relying on her narcissistic mother for validation, love, approval, permission, compliments, even money.
It’s a sad fact that any narcissistic parent will say things like, “After all I did for you as a child! You had clean clothes, food on the table and roof over your head, and this is how you thank me?”
None of us ask to be born. And those things mentioned are surely basic human rights for anybody.
Panic will kickstart a series of known, immature behaviors and comments from the mom who never took care of you the way she should have done. Not even close.
This is why so many go…
No contact!
I’d never tell you to do anything, but I always like to hand you all your options on a plate so you can determine what suits you the most in your situation.
And yes, no contact is certainly one. More and more children of narcissistic parents, be it Mom or Dad, are choosing to cut ties with the people they tried a lifetime to gain love and respect from.
At some point or another, enough was enough. They could do and try no more.
Instead, the most painless thing to do for them was to be in a place where they didn’t have to see or speak to them.
Is that for you? Only you can answer that honestly. Nobody wants to not be in contact with a parent, but sometimes it feels like the only choice they have in order to get their life together and work through the trauma of being abused by one their whole life.
When you’re an adult, you become acutely aware of your needs like you just couldn’t as a kid.
You have that choice. Having kids usually makes the decision to go no contact, too, so if that’s what you decide, know that you aren’t alone.
Overdue freedom
Freedom is sold as this bright, positive package, and it is – eventually.
If you’ve had every move and thought tracked and traced by a narcissistic parent, that freedom will initially feel like a gaping hole that you don’t know how to fill.
It’s scary to go from being controlled as your default way of life, to being able to do what you want unapologetically.
It is overdue, and as you step into adult shoes, it will hit you. That’s what your narcissistic mom will dread.
She doesn’t know a life that isn’t about making her come before you. She doesn’t know a life where you are not her game to play.
As she inevitably tries to hold onto you for as long as possible, it can go one of two ways.
You either continue to allow it, living in fear of consequence and punishment if you don’t keep living to please her…
…Or…
…You don’t.
Be what she fears, because that’s where you’ll start to put yourself back together again, getting to know who you are without her control and manipulation, and live your best life.
You owe it to yourself!
