Please, won’t somebody just listen to me?
Please believe me. I’m telling the truth!
They’re crazy! They’re a narcissist!
I was completely abused, why don’t you believe me?!
You can sometimes scream until you’re blue in the face.
Does it work?
Not all the time. In fact, frequently people won’t believe a narcissist abused you.
Here’s what you do when they don’t…
It Can Be Tricky To Get It Right…
While you may be tempted to overspeak, you will likely alienate people by doing so.
Half the battle of getting to be believed, is to convince those who doubt you.
Narcissists often win the race of disclosing information when it comes to abuse.
If you have plans to speak, know they’ve already done so, and with more than one person. You coming into their shadow to give your version is often met with a little perplexion from those you want to believe you.
Narcissists Are So Clever: Behind Closed Doors
What you see behind closed doors is going to be very different to what other people see.
I’ll give you a quick example.
Danny was a successful mortgage broker. He went to work every day, and on Fridays, he bought the office donuts as a treat.
People came to him for advice, and they trusted him. He gave very good advice, too, and was named Regional Mortgage Broker of the Year 3 years in a row.
He was known in the industry, and many people admired his outlook on work. Customers of Danny’s would buy him champagne or chocolates as thank you for his honest and supportive assistance.
Danny went home every night and abused his wife, who was left having to fight for her reputation because nobody believed somebody so nice could do such a thing.
And that’s how narcissists are so clever. People don’t suspect. Why would they, when all they’re presented with is a positive image?
Different Experiences
The different experiences people have with the same person ultimately break down the idea that they are all of one or all of another.
You may know the narcissist who comes home and demands nothing but a toxic relationship between the two of you. Your experience is different, but it is still valid.
You still have the right to speak about what you went through.
More importantly, you still have the right to feel terrible about what the narcissist put you through daily.
Not Being Clued Up Comes at a Cost … To You
I feel it’s true that you must be clued up on narcissism so that you know what to expect when people don’t believe you were abused.
Know that of course, people will refuse to think anything bad, and that you now need to revert to the following:
“I know my truth, and I know what happened to me.”
“I stand firm in my experiences.”
“You know a different version of that person than I do.”
“While you may not believe me, I know what has been happening to me, and I am determined to heal from it.”
“I don’t need you to believe me, but I needed to tell you anyway.”
“In time, I hope you can see that I was abused. And I hope you can understand that it wasn’t my fault.”
“I know that it might be hard to comprehend, but you really don’t know them like I do.”
“People can be different depending on who they are around.”
Thinking about saying these things means you get to stay in your own truth – something that you probably haven’t been able to do often around the narcissist.
It proves that people can have contrasted opinions of the same person based on their own personal experience of them…
… But that doesn’t mean your experiences are invalid.
The Dangers of Staying Silent
Staying silent is how many things that aren’t right, fair or just get overlooked.
Staying silent is how abusers retain their power and entitlement.
I always think that if you will speak about somebody, speak honestly. Sometimes, yes, that involves saying things people might not want or be ready to hear.
Saying too much to the wrong person without considering implications such as legal issues can be dangerous. However…
…Staying silent is more dangerous. Both to you and the next person who crosses the path of the narcissist.
If speaking up means you confide in a friend or relative – do it.
If speaking up means you call a helpline or therapist – do it.
If speaking up means you defend yourself with the truth when confronted – do it.
Looking After Yourself
When you aren’t being believed, it can leave you feeling like you’re swimming in deep water without so much as a single life raft.
Nobody has your back, nobody is looking at your struggle, and you feel invisible.
You’re tired of feeling invisible, and that’s the entire reason you’re even in this predicament.
You just want to be validated by somebody – anybody – but as yet, nobody is listening.
I met a lady once who I’ll call Debbie. Debbie was married to Mark for over 40 years, and she came to realize that their entire lives spent together were based around his narcissistic personality, and how he treated her.
Debbie’s hardest task was convincing people to believe her, and she fought every day to be heard.
One day, Debbie bumped into a neighbor who didn’t really speak with Mark. He said, “He completely ignores me one day, then can’t speak to me enough the next. To be honest, I find him quite smarmy, you know? Like he thinks he’s all that. Sorry if that offends.”
Sorry if that offends?!
Debbie had wanted to hear this from someone for over decades! Finally, somebody who could see past that charm and offer a realistic opinion of Mark!
From that point on, Debbie took it upon herself to prioritize herself. She knew that what she needed was to be believed so that it could put all her experiences into the light.
You see, it’s all about taking care of yourself and making sure that nobody takes away the fact that the narcissist abused you.
You may have to deal with not being believed by everybody, but you also have to come to terms with being okay with that.
And you know what? Sometimes, all it takes is one person to understand you so that you know you have somebody to talk to.