Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who’s the most toxic of them all?
The narcissist serves to destroy your whole life
Serving you nothing but trouble and strife
Oh! Good to know, thanks for the warning!
The mirror is perfect for showing narcissists their terrible behavior, so if you’re brave enough, let’s find out when they catch that reflection…
You’d be better hold on – it’s a bumpy ride, for sure!
What Is Mirroring a Narcissist?
When you mirror anybody, you’re acting as that shiny object hanging on your wall. Whatever they do, you show it back to them.
Mirrors are handy! They help us when we drive, they’re good for checking ourselves, making sure we look presentable – they serve important purposes.
For the most part, we’re happy to check in with the mirror. We want to see, and to see gives us a better idea of what is staring back at us. Fair enough, right?
What do narcissists think of mirrors?
Well, if you’re offering a mirror to one, they will probably check themselves out briefly. It’ll be very surface like, I mean, they won’t want to look too hard.
It’s a surprise to know that, isn’t it?
Why wouldn’t a narcissist – somebody who loves themselves – want to stare extensively at themselves in the mirror?
Because in reality, they don’t like what they see.
To mirror a narcissist means you become that mirror. You show them everything they’re doing, by copying their tactics and reflecting them back in a way that exposes their own behavior.
Narcissists actually use mirroring themselves when they first meet someone, and maybe this happened with you.
They pretend to be your perfect match by copying your interests, mannerisms, and even how you talk.
However, when that mirror is flipped in a calculated way, it serves a different purpose:
To make them see their own toxic behavior in action.
Let’s look at some examples.
They give you the silent treatment?
You go silent too.
They gaslight you?
You pretend not to understand them.
They shift blame?
You refuse to accept responsibility.
They demand attention?
You ignore them.
When you mirror a narcissist, you disrupt their manipulation toward you, and five things happen.
The 5 Stages of a Narcissist’s Reaction to Being Mirrored
1. Confusion:
“Wait… what’s going on?”
It’s a fun stage to witness. Narcissists have the control taken away. Rather than you falling into the trap of being copied, you’re suddenly copying them.
It’s such a confusing time for the narcissist, who isn’t expecting you to turn the tables this way. Directly using their tactics against them is a puzzling time.
For instance, if they usually stonewall you, they expect you to beg for their attention. If you’re ignoring them too, they don’t know how to respond.
Similarly, if they try to guilt trip you and you respond with indifference or even coldness, they’re thrown off balance.
Watch them try to hold on for dear life!
2. Frustration:
“Why aren’t you reacting?”
Once they realize the tricks they normally try aren’t working, frustration will appear.
Narcissists need emotional reactions from others to maintain control, otherwise their world falls apart.
When you mirror them and remain unaffected, they try to push you further and further, wanting you to snap.
This is where they may accuse you of being the problem. Does that sound familiar to you? Probably because you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Narcissists then start to feel the loss of control, and that terrifies them.
The visible irritation is almost humorous.
3. Anger:
“How dare you treat me like this?”
Explosions! What a nightmare for the narcissist, who is absolutely enraged that you are treating them this way.
Don’t you know who they are?
Here’s where you will see them accuse you of being mean or manipulative. Furthermore, they’re actually also known to lash out with rage, insults, or even threaten you.
If you get one who feels completely cornered, they might play the victim to regain control. Watch here for tears, because it’s bound to happen.
Goes to show just how insecure they are, doesn’t it?
4. Desperation:
“I need to regain control.”
It’s naturally inbuilt that a narcissist wants to get that control back. If the usual state of play can continue, they don’t really feel they have anything to worry about.
If their worst fear of losing their grip on you comes true, they will resort to doing anything it takes to pull you back in.
Prepare for love-bombing, or being overly kind and affectionate in an effort to distract you from whatever it is you’re trying to play.
I’m sorry, I promise I will change. Please believe me and trust me on this.
Just don’t even blink. It’s a way to gain control, and nothing more.
Don’t cave like most people do at this stage.
5. Retreat or Discard:
“I need a new supply.”
The narcissist is realizing that they can’t do what they used to do any more – so one of two things will happen.
- They retreat and try again later.
Pulling away before retesting the water is commonplace for narcissists. Don’t fall for it.
- They discard you and seek a new target.
When they know you’re done through your initial act of mirroring, they’ll drop you like a hot potato.
Finding someone new to control is easier than trying to convince you that you’re imagining things.
A discard is a victory, though! It means you won!
Does Mirroring a Narcissist Work?
I want to say yes and no to this, because I’d be lying if I told you that it was only either, or. Let’s look at both options in more detail.
When Mirroring Works
When you want to show the narcissist their own behavior without directly being confrontational.
When you need to protect yourself by refusing to engage with their pulls of confrontation.
When you’re planning to leave them and need to be able to stay detached emotionally.
Mirroring isn’t a long term strategy. Sure, it can give you temporary power, but it isn’t going to change a narcissist. You’re never going to get them to self-reflect.
When Mirroring Is Dangerous
If the narcissist is physically abusive or violent after you start mirroring. A red flag in itself, but a sign to leave now.
If they are highly vindictive and prone to revenge, prepare for what comes next.
If you’re emotionally vulnerable and you know you may struggle with the consequences. Don’t put yourself through it to suffer more.
How to Use Mirroring Safely
If you choose to mirror a narcissist, there are ways to do it properly.
You should stay calm and unemotional. Don’t push the narrative that you’re doing what you’re doing. Just keep focused on reflecting their behavior, not reacting emotionally.
Use their own words against them. If they say:
You’re too sensitive!
…Respond with,
Maybe you’re being too sensitive about this conversation.
You see how it can work? You’re shining a light on the shadow traits of the narcissist!
I don’t want you to overuse mirroring. Narcissists catch on quickly, so try to use it selectively to disturb their tactics and know when to walk away.
Should You Mirror a Narcissist?
I’ll leave that one to you!
You have all you need to know to best assess your situation.
