You married and expected your happily-ever-after, didn’t you?
Don’t worry, you aren’t alone if you entered into a relationship with a narcissist thinking it will all be smooth sailing.
Suddenly, you’ve got the weight of the world resting on your weary shoulders, and every day feels like an endless juggling act.
Where is your husband? Where is the man who promised to love you and support you and your children?
Good question!
Let’s find out.
#1 The only thing that proves you’re married…
And I hear this so frequently…
The only thing that proves you’re married, is that ring on your finger. This piece of metal proves at some point your exchange of vows, and it symbolizes love and respect, support and compassion.
But the fact that you’re a married single mother proves those vows are already broken. This is narcissists all over.
They aren’t interested in honoring anything they stood at the altar and promised in front of your family and friends and said.
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#2 Walking parenthood alone
The two of you eventually started a family, and you thought it’d be the best thing about your lives together.
Sharing love, and extending that to children is a gift, but it feels more like a juggling act when it’s you walking the parenthood path alone, while they remain overgrown babies stuck in a toxic cycle of abusing you, and very intermittently loving you.
You walk it all alone. You’re the only one present for the first solid feeds, the first words, the first steps.
Moving forward, you do the pickups, the drop offs, the school plays, the parent teacher nights, the parties, the prescriptions, the 2am fever hugs and everything in between.
It’s no picnic, but it’s also no joke. It’s so lonely to feel like you’re alone in the marriage, and alone as a parent, and what makes it worse is knowing you have a physically capable person right in the house with you.
That’s where the capability stops, though. Emotionally, mentally; they are far from capable. That’s why you have to pick it up all the time.
And if you forget, you can forget them backing you up because they just won’t.
#3 Everything boils down to you: the glue
As nice as it sounds to be the glue, nobody wants to be the glue. The glue should be shared between both parents, and there’s very few reasons why that wouldn’t be the case.
With more and more sets of both parents needing to work in this day and age, even the moms who don’t work because they are the primary caretaker are (and should be) appreciated by their husbands.
You don’t get that in narcissistic relationships.
Instead, you get your narcissistic husband coming home from work, while you’ve had to run errands, pick up the kids, while your youngest stayed home with a stomach bug, and the dinner hasn’t yet been cooked.
What have you been doing all day if the dinner isn’t ready?
Are you kidding me? I have not stopped all day, plus three loads of laundry because the youngest got sick on so much of it!
You’re invisible to them, but on top of that, you’re made to feel this guilt that you just aren’t good enough, when you’re run ragged trying to hold everything together.
The glue is no fun, and it’s not fair, either. It’s dangerous for anybody to assume one person should have it all, while the other gets to act up and continue to abuse their wife on a daily basis.
#4 The exhaustion
It’s hard to retain any energy at all when you are literally juggling a million different things, but why does your husband look at you as though they don’t know why you’re so tired?
Did you not sleep well last night?
Well, no, I didn’t. I was up four times with our child who was unwell. Then they needed to use the bathroom.
Then they woke from a bad dream. By which time, my body just said, “You know what? It’d be easier just to stay awake.
But you wouldn’t know, because each time our child called out, you carried on snoring.”
I want to tell you that I hear you. I understand, because I see it so much in couples that aren’t really working together at all for the best outcome.
There’s no equality. There’s certainly no understanding of just how much of an important role mothers undertake when children come along.
Every little thing has to be remembered.
Tommy doesn’t eat eggs if they’re boiled, only if they’re scrambled.
Isla needs her inhalers before she goes to school.
I need to take this form in for Sam’s school trip today with the money.
I need to sew name tags in all of Rose’s clothes before her girl guide camping trip.
I’ve got to get to the grocery shop because we are out of all the essentials.
Do you ever notice when you do get to the grocery shop, if you’re lucky enough to be joined by your husband, that he just follows you around while you instinctively know what you need to buy?
That’s because they don’t care about what really goes on. They just care about opening the fridge or cupboard, and getting what they need.
Their ego doesn’t extend to, “Do you need some help? Can I do that for you?” Then it becomes about your life being made easier, and not theirs.
No wonder you’re exhausted.
#5 Identity crisis
While your narcissistic partner knows exactly who they are, you’re left to fade away more and more with every passing day.
You’re balancing kids, errands and responsibilities that are huge, while never having time to stop and think about what you might want from the day.
Even just half an hour with your favorite tea and podcast would go some way to keeping your identity on track, but there’s just no way you get that kind of space.
You know it’s a narcissistic relationship when they come home from work, and get straight into their workout clothes for that run without even asking you if there’s anything you need to do.
Without any time for hobbies or interests, or even just to breathe in your own space, it’s no wonder you feel like your identity is eroding.
It doesn’t help when the narcissist encourages that erosion, rather than helps prevent it.
#6 And they still call you lazy
Look, I need to say this cloud and clear now.
Just because you are home looking after your children, does not mean you are not working. In fact, anybody who does this has a constant job.
It’s hard. You can’t walk away and go for lunch when it suits you. You’re on the clock all the time because you want to raise children in a home environment.
You are not lazy. But it does feel like every day just blends into another because nobody is stepping in and taking over when they can so you can catch a break and remind yourself who you are.
The narcissist wears you down by keeping you locked in your role, and that is what makes you feel like you are a single mother living with a narcissist.
