You aren’t as…
I hate it when you don’t…
She used to be so much more…
I wish you were more…
Spare me, am I right? If the ex was that amazing, why are they sitting in your past and not in your bed?
Yet here you are, listening to the comparisons, making it your life to tolerate such crap.
You have a choice! Shutting them down starts with understanding why they’re doing what they’re doing.
That’s where you join me, today. Pull up a seat.
Life’s One Big Comparison Game
It’s something many learn to live with during their time with a narcissist, but none of those people believe there is an alternative.
There is, it’s called a normal relationship. There shouldn’t be any kind of comparison, because what’s it good for?
What’s the point? Who is it supposed to do a favor for when one of the two in the relationship is comparing the other with somebody else, in this instance, their ex!
But welcome to their world. Where they’re unable to let go of the past, and unable to stop pitting you against somebody they used to date.
They want you to feel terrible about yourself even though they claim to love you. There’s no love at the door of comparison, just a mean way to control the emotions of you.
Triangulation to Control
Ultimately, the pitting against each other that I wrote briefly about just now is called triangulation.
Imagine the narcissist sitting at the top, and the bottom two points are you and somebody else. You will always be apart, and they will be there pulling all the strings to make it so.
That’s because they can’t stand to see people ,especially you, getting along with anybody else. You will then forever be:
- Looking up the ex on social media
- Checking to see where they work
- What they look like
- If they go to the gym a lot
Their comparison will turn into your comparisons, and those are going to eat you alive and cause resentment.
You’ll essentially hate somebody you don’t know based on what you’re being told about them (and those things may not even be true!)
Carving Jealousy
That’s exactly where all of this leads to: unnecessary jealousy between you and their ex.
Think of all that wasted energy that spills out whenever they mention their ex.
You roll your eyes and think, “Not again. The perfect ex makes yet another appearance in my day. Can they do no wrong? Can I do no right?”
You become jealous of the person they are. Why can’t you get your stuff together and just be like them?
Why do you behave so terribly even though you’re admittedly trying so hard to be exactly what the narcissist needs?
Recycling Old Narratives
It’s a familiar thing to hear comparisons. If you have a narcissistic parent, you were likely to hear that kind of thing from them at a young age when they compared you to a sibling.
Why can’t you be more like your brother? He never makes me mad because he does as he’s told.
Why can’t you be more like your sister? Study hard and get As instead of studying boys all the time?
Here you are now, an adult, in a relationship with someone who is doing exactly the same thing, except this time, it involves their ex.
The narrative of your life becomes that you’re just not good enough, and you never will be.
Have you ever thought, though, that the problem isn’t you not being good enough, and instead the narcissistic company that you keep?
Testing Compliance
Are you going to put up with them? There’s only one way to find out how much you are going to comply with the narcissist now you’re dating them.
Talking about their ex isn’t fair, and comparing you to their ex is even worse. But here’s the real catch…
…Narcissists hope that you listen to what they say, and comply in ways that ultimately morph you into their ex.
Your hair isn’t as long as my ex’s sadly.
I wish you’d work out more like my ex.
My ex used to make me a chilli every Monday night. It was the best. I miss that.
My ex used to make sure all my shirts were ironed on a Sunday night for work. It made such a difference to my life.
They’re dropping hints as much as they are comparing you. Do what she did for me. And guess what? You’re a people pleaser. You’ll want to do as much as you can to make them feel good, to make them smile.
And they love that about you, but they don’t love you. How could they possibly?
All they want is you to run yourself ragged trying to do things, they’re that entitled.
The Idealized Ex
It’s easy to idealize somebody from your past in front of another person. But think about it a little more here, you’ve never even met this ex.
If you’ve seen photos online, you still don’t know who they are.
All you know is what the narcissist tells you, and those equally could be ploys to get you to serve them in some way.
You could be being played more heavily than you realized if you’re doing all the things she did, even though I bet you barely any of what the narcissist says is even true.
I mean, come on, it wouldn’t be the first time they have lied to you, would it?
Get to the Discard Quicker
One way to make you fall out, give up, and retreat is to hear endless tales of how your narcissist’s ex was so incredible.
It’s a devious way for them to push you to your limits and give up on the whole relationship, and that does work for a lot of narcissists wanting rid.
When the moment comes where you’ve officially had enough, you will tell them in no uncertain terms that it’s over. What happens next? A narcissist’s dream!
I can’t believe they ended things.
I love them so much.
I saw myself marrying her.
I was so into committing.
I miss them.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
I feel so lost.
Everybody will hear, everybody will feel pity and sympathy, and as many people as physically possible will revolve around them, pandering to their tears (assuming they’re real).
For you, the biggest injustice is everybody else not knowing the truth and seeing you as the bad guy.
I mean, wouldn’t it be great if they all knew you spent the entire duration of your relationship being compared to the narcissist’s ex?
If you could stand on a rooftop and yell it as loudly as you could, I’m sure you would.
But they’re past believing you. They just think you were insensitive to dump the narcissist – the person who would have done anything for you.
You know that’s not true, and if you can take away anything from these comparisons, it’s that the narcissist doesn’t really love you at all.
If they did, they would keep their past in the past.
