You can try and make life work with a narcissist. Getting to know one can lead to all kinds of wishes and hopes and dreams inside you, I totally get that.
You want to be able to trust them as much as you want to be respected by them.
Loved.
In proper ways – not in ways that backfire on you somehow, or keep you feeling on edge or even unsafe.
You try to compromise, but it doesn’t work. You let them in, and they take everything and leave you with nothing.
So, what’s the only thing that works with narcissists? What is the one sure thing you’re left with when everything else fails?
Why Nothing Else Works
Narcissists are insistent that you abide by their rules. If you don’t, you’ll instead suffer the consequences. It’s been a longstanding cycle for as long as narcissists have been around.
I know for sure that those who have been affected by any kind of narcissist are more than keen to escape those controlling clutches.
So you try, and you try, and you try. And nothing works. You try the peaceful approach, but you get trampled all over.
You go for the abiding approach, but that only gets you deeper into their position to manipulate you.
You’re running out of steam, and you need help now.
Any Narcissist…?
I want you to know that no matter what kind of narcissist is in your life – this one answer to all your problems will work with every single one of them.
Friend.
Neighbor.
Partner.
Co-worker.
Relative.
The magic that unfolds when you implement real change will live with you forever, as long as you are consistent with this implementation.
You see, narcissists are unpredictable. They don’t care what you have to say, and they don’t appreciate being unable to
So, What is The One Thing That Works?
You’ve got to the point where you need something, anything, to get you to a place where the narcissist isn’t walking all over you and violating all your values.
You’re left with one choice and one choice alone:
You need boundaries.
I’m not talking about deciding not to tolerate the narcissist’s games anymore – I am specifically talking about sticking to them.
You cannot negotiate here.
Boundaries are the only answer to how you can resolve this inner conflict they’ve created within you.
Boundaries are truly the only thing that works.
Boundaries: Explain!
Imagine telling a child that they can’t do something they really want to do.
You might see them stomp their feet in frustration.
They might scream or cry.
They might throw a toy.
They may even cry.
The bottom line is that they will hate it.
The difference between a child and a narcissist only comes down to age. That emotional dysregulation still exists, even decades after they should be able to regulate their displeasure.
Boundaries are hated because they are a sign of strength. They’re a sign that you are not going to tolerate their control any longer and that you have your limits.
The most important aspect of boundaries is that there are clear consequences to the narcissist’s actions. Keeping to those is crucial.
They Don’t Value You: Boundary
Nobody is going to value you if you’re constantly giving yourself away. Everything you stand for, what you believe in and what you fight for have to all mean something to you.
And they have to remain exactly where they were before the narcissist came along.
If a person is trying to push your boundaries and create some kind of immoral collapse in your life – it stands to reason that this is a huge reg flag.
Narcissists will see that you have moveable boundaries when they start encroaching on your time.
They will see you as somebody always willing to give up what matters to you in order to please others.
It’s always going to be at your loss.
It’s always going to be at their gain.
They Don’t Listen To You: Boundary
You say something you know to be true, and they completely burst your bubble. Deeper than that, they completely deny you in every way.
You want to implement a boundary that allows you to stand your ground and believe in your truth, but they make it so hard when they throw confused looks your way.
It’s perfectly normal for those who are abused by a narcissist to doubt themselves, but in doing so, you fully let go of who you are.
Their Voice Constantly Raises: Boundary
If you hate raised voices, there’s no way you’re going to tolerate the constant pushing of a narcissist for a fight.
They don’t even have to raise their own voices. As long as they’re getting under your skin, it’s only a matter of time before you naturally snap.
It’s okay to have had enough of their verbal poking, but guess what?
Now you shouted.
Two things happen.
Number one, you’re unhelpfully reminded that ‘no shouting’ was your own boundary that you yourself broke.
Number two, you’re blamed for raising your voice and upgrading the conversation to conflict.
Even though the reason you shouted was because you were pushed into doing so.
You need to actively work on maintaining the ‘no raised voices’ boundary every day.
What Can You Do?
Regarding relationships, thinking about what you actually want from one will help keep you aligned with your truth.
And your boundaries.
Do you want respect?
Peace?
Love?
Loyalty?
Compromise?
Security?
Communication?
You’re not going to get any of those things with a narcissist, no matter how hard you try.
Boundaries will keep them away, and keep the right people around you.
Their Self-Centered World
Always pushing your relationship to a toxic place, tell me one thing that isn’t self-centered about narcissists.
It’s a risk to assume they will listen to any boundary you apply, but the key, and I cannot stress this enough, is to hold down on your boundary.
Treat it like the sail of a ship in a storm. You have to hold on to it like it’s the only thing transporting you to calmer waters.
If you can master your sails – their self-centered world will cease to exist within yours.
I Get It – You Care
…But it’s not your weight to carry.
You aren’t too needy to care or want to look after yourself. Boundaries exist for you to live authentically and not tolerate dishonest or disingenuous behavior.
It truly is the only thing that works with narcissists, and I am making no promises that they will enjoy your boundaries but…
That’s just tough, isn’t it?
You matter the most.
10 Things Narcissism is, and What it’s Not!
Don’t you just love the phrase, ‘It is what it is’ ?
It covers almost every eventuality and allows people to just say, “There’s nothing you can do about it.”
There’s nothing you can do about narcissism, either.
A person is narcissistic or not, and sometimes, that can get a little muddled.
Today, I want to talk about that very thing…
What narcissism is, and what it most definitely is not.
What is Narcissism?
Often, it’s a word thrown around to anybody who annoys another person.
Oh, they’re such a narcissist!
Have you seen them on their latest vacation? What a narcissist!
Another selfie! What a narcissist!
Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat.
True narcissism is more than a selfie or a vacation somebody you know is on.
It’s deep, and it ruins lives.
That’s not an example of drama – this is the truth.
Narcissists ruin lives wherever they go. They tear families apart, ruin friendships, bring the conflict to work with them – and the fallout can be huge.
Narcissists are assholes, but also – assholes are assholes, too.
Sometimes, we need to take a step back and see the difference between somebody hellbent on sending you to therapy and somebody who is just a miserable person.
#1 Don’t Get Confidence Twisted
We all want to be more confident.
We all love to see confidence in others.
Let’s look briefly at what’s real, and what’s fake about confidence.
Real vs. Fake
Real confidence is always perfectly described in a story about a guy I went to university with. In a lecture one day, the tutor talked about some heavy stuff, and I could see the puzzled looks of my fellow students.
This guy, I’ll call him Jake, raised his hand and said, in front of nearly 100 other people:
I’m really sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about. Can you please explain it another way?
This is a level of confidence like no other. The fact that somebody was confident enough to admit without care that he needed a topic or concept reworded to help him was totally cool, and affected nobody. He was that sure of himself.
Fake confidence describes the type of confidence every narcissist has.
They want you to believe it’s real, but it’s shrouded in the reality that they’re deeply insecure, out to hurt you, and refuse to show anybody how much they hate themselves.
#2 Anger – When Healthy and Unhealthy Get Clouded
We all get annoyed, let’s not pretend any different.
When we get annoyed, we often take it out on the people we love, and we can snap.
But what’s important is that we say sorry and admit we made a mistake. We work on it, lessen our workload, and take some time out.
Narcissists can’t regulate their emotions in the same way, and will never admit to being wrong. Instead, they keep the volume up, and their anger has no time for rest.
#3 It’s Okay To Put Yourself First
Putting yourself first doesn’t mean that you’re a narcissist. It’s important to put your needs first when you need to, and think about your goals or dreams. You can’t pour from an empty cup, after all.
Narcissists never put anybody’s needs above their own.
They don’t know when to give somebody else center stage. Instead, they remain on it themselves, and to hell with everybody else.
Know the difference between tending to your needs, and cutting everybody else off who may need your help.
#4 Appearance Isn’t Always About Narcissism
Hey, you can look after your appearance and look fantastic without being a narcissist. We need to do this now more than ever! We matter!
But a nice appearance shouldn’t be synonymous with a narcissistic character.
#5 Ambition is Healthy! Too Much, Watch Out
Those goals you want and have should be worked toward, and nobody should stop you from aiming for them.
If you know you deserve it, then the sky is your limit. This is all about self-belief, resilience and confidence.
Too much of all those things ill point to narcissism, and if you are willing to trample over every good relationship you have in your life to get what you want, then it’s time to re-evaluate how much narcissism runs through your veins.
#6 Charisma is Charming – Charm? Not So Much
It’s nice to be charismatic! Friendly, chatty, helpful, and trustworthy are fundamental traits in a good person, but let’s make no mistake about them.
Charm is not the same as charisma. It is real, and charm is just an attempt to make people believe you’re the type of person that you are, in fact, not.
Narcissists exude charm, but it is very hollow, superficial, and cannot be sustained.
#7 “I Love Myself”
Self-love is a half-trillion-dollar empire now, and there is an emphasis on loving who you are, faults and all.
Narcissists take self-love to another level. Number one, it’s not even genuine, because they actually hate themselves deep down.
Number two, they make up for fact number one so much that they try to overcompensate for it.
Hideous? Yes.
But there’s nothing wrong with genuinely loving yourself.
#8 Cheating?…
Cheaters cheat, but not all cheaters are narcissists.
You hear a lot that narcissists will nearly always cheat because they can’t not get as much supply as humanly possible.
Sometimes, cheating occurs, and the person will be highly remorseful.
Therapy occurs, reflection is possible, and you can work through it together.
It doesn’t happen with narcissists. They will cheat and cheat, anc throw your pain under the bus.
#9 “Me, Me, Me”
People get wrapped up in themselves, don’t they? You see it a lot in this world as we have simply become busier than ever.
Work is demanding, home life never shuts down, and we still have relationships to maintain, whether platonic or romantic.
If hearing somebody scream from time to time about how their life is more hectic than yours, or how they have needs that are out of this world – the thought should arise that perhaps they’re struggling with juggling so much.
Before you try and tell me that this isn’t the same as the selfishness of narcissism – I am here to agree with you – and that’s my point! Truly, my point is – we all get lost in the matrix. It’s hard.
We say things we don’t mean. We snap, we judge, we complain, we yell; we’re tired.
The difference between narcissism and non-narcissism is two things:
Remorse and apology. Both need to be sincere, and I truly mean that.
Both need to be meant.
#10 Gaslighting? Not Always Narcissism
Gaslighting is a term that we all use when we’re describing narcissism, but there is a level of frustration that can accompany phrases like:
I did not say that!
It might for instance, be a genuine thought from somebody that they forgot they said something.
Gaslighting is intentional, and the make up and fabrication of lies is sent to destroy victims on the receiving end.
