Don’t get me started here! There are a million ways narcissists will manipulate you.
They will enjoy watching the smile fall from your face, and get a kick out of pulling the strings that make you lose every time.
But there’s one way in particular a narcissist loves to manipulate you. It’s a favorite because it never fails. And yeah, you always end up losing out.
First, I want to get started by painting a little scene I know each and every one of you are familiar with.
Picture the scene
You’ve got yourself to a point with the narcissist where you want to be able to have an honest conversation with them.
For starters, good luck with that. Secondly, you start to find the words to say that help you get your point across.
And yeah, you might have waited a hot minute to say the things you’re saying, but you do so with love, because that’s the kind of person you are.
You don’t want to escalate, you just want to talk.
So the scene is set, and both you and the narcissist are present.
You talk, and they may not be words the narcissist likes to hear.
The narcissist turns to you and commits the most manipulative act they have in their toxic toolbox.
They reverse it right back onto you. In a split second, you go from feeling positively hopeful to…
Rightly, you are frustrated
Sure! Who wouldn’t be frustrated that somehow you’ve become the villain in this scenario?
The one time you’d hoped they’d be accountable for something was when they decided to throw it all back in your face and leave you feeling a little ‘what’s the point?’
It’s frustrating because it takes a lot for you to feel like there’s a good moment to jump in and try to engage this way with a person you know is so unpredictable.
The uncertainty of what comes next will always be etched into your soul, but you do it anyway because it’s the only way you feel you’ll be able to grow as a couple.
Even friends would treat you this way, as long as they get to play victim, that’s all that matters.
Here’s what happens
I really feel like we need to talk about last night. I felt you were quite rude to my friends when you refused to even sit with us.
I thought you coming along meant we could all get to know each other and have a nice evening.
“Excuse me? Did I not book the afternoon off work to come home and get to the city in time to meet you all? Did I not say to you what a nice idea it was to arrange drinks?”
Well, yes you did both of those things. But when we got there you kept rolling your eyes and acting like you didn’t want to be there.
In the end you went off and sat at the bar by yourself. My friends kept asking if you were okay. When I found you, you said you were bored.
“Am I not allowed a little time to myself? Why do you feel the need to keep tabs on me all the time?
Are you insecure or something? I didn’t sign up for a relationship with somebody who is constantly jealous of where I am or who I’m talking to.”
Do I need to continue, or is it already feeling a little too close to home?
“Wow, you’re so…”
It starts.
Everything you don’t want to hear, yet can’t avoid will head your way so fast.
You’re so rude.
You’re so forgetful.
You’re so impatient with me.
You’re so unforgiving.
You’re so ungrateful.
You’re so lazy.
You’re so boring.
You’re so wrong.
Everything. If they can put a negative name to it, they will. Are you supposed to just nod and agree, and accept what they’re saying? I think that’s where the narcissist would say, yes, without question.
But there’s a side to them that actually enjoys treating you the way they do, and pushing you for a reaction.
The goading aspect of this will have you falling for it hook, line and sinker. Before you know it, you are reacting to something they’ve said that has triggered you in some way.
That’s when the real problems start.
All eyes on you; the victim. But not because you’re the actual victim in their minds.
It’s because you’re the initiator.
The one time it becomes about you
That’s right. For once, it’s about you and not them. This time, it’s about how you burst because you simply can’t take it any more.
You’re tired of being treated the way they’ve been treating you. The lies, the moving goalposts, and every single way they actively want to erase your entire identity.
As you have your what I should call justified moment of reaction, they mark the moment with victory.
Finally, you’ve been cornered and it’s all worked out for them. Now they get to deliver the ultimate form of manipulation, twisting and turning every little way you react back on yourself.
But don’t mistake their anger for real anger. It’s been planned to be that way because they want to seem horrified that you’ve dared to speak up for yourself, even if it is through a slightly dysregulated manner.
After all, you learned that through their treatment of you.
Pushing away the root of the problem
The more noise a narcissist makes, the more you are pulled away from the actual root of the problem.
I hate to say it, but that root is the narcissist. You’ll be swept up by feelings of guilt, shame and regret for daring to speak up, when realistically, they are the cause of it all.
The narcissist treats you unfairly.
You tolerate it for days, weeks, months, even years.
You react, spilling out a long time of pent up emotions.
The narcissist points at you and tells you that you’re reacting terribly.
You feel guilty that you said what you said, and want to make it up to the narcissist.
The narcissist’s behavior goes undeterred yet again, and you are the one left chasing the remnants of your relationship.
This act pushes away the root of the issue, which is the buse you’re deep in.
It’s a vicious cycle that will never end all the while you remain in their presence.
The continuation of this type of manipulation will mean you begin to silence yourself more and more in the future, refusing to speak up when something is on your mind.
You learn to not react, because the blame always returns to you.
You learn to not react, because you end up displeasing the narcissist.
You learn to not react, because you just want a peaceful life.
And for yet another time, the narcissist is able to step away from the consequences of their own behavior.
I never promised you this was going to be fair, but remember this:
You are not to blame for the way other people treat you. If they can’t handle the truth, you need to step away.
