Love is a powerful thing, and trust me, I know from speaking to so many of you how possible it is to love somebody who doesn’t love you back.
When you love a narcissist, it comes at a cost.
There is a part of that cost that isn’t talked about enough, and I think it’s high time we dove straight into the hard parts that I know will feel painful.
This is the hidden cost of loving a narcissist.
Meeting them…
When you meet somebody who seems so perfect, you don’t ever consider the fact that they could be a narcissist posing as your soulmate.
All you see is the good part. The ‘loving’ part. The promises. The love-bombing.
The way you feel like you’re the only person they’ve ever loved, and will ever love again.
At this point, when the planets all seem to all align, you just don’t think there will ever be a hidden cost to this love, and that you’ve met a narcissist.
By the time you do, it’s already too late. That trauma bond is there.
…and falling for them
It never takes long for victims to fall for narcissists. The reality is that they tick all the boxes you’ve created for a potential partner.
They pay you attention that you’re not used to, but have always wanted. They tell you that you’re the best thing in the world.
They make the promise that you’ll always be safe with them no matter what.
So its easy to fall for them, right? It’s easy to think that the universe is finally giving you what you have always asked for.
For you, it’s love
For you, the love is unquestionable. You’ve never felt this way before, and you are all in. You will stand by them through thick and thin, and you believe the words that fall out of their mouth.
I love you so much.
I want to marry you.
I am so lucky to know you.
I will never hurt you.
I will never leave you.
You’re The One.
Perfection. You can close the shop now, because you’ve got what you want forever and always.
For you, it’s love. You see nothing else to it.
For them, it’s convenience
This is where it gets tricky. You love them at a cost, and this cost is partly to do with the fact that for them, it’s not love.
It never will be, not least because they have no idea how to truly love another.
For the narcissist, you are a mere convenience. You serve a purpose, and that purpose is to provide them with supply which you started doing the moment you met them and saw them through the rose tinted glasses they sneakily slipped on you.
For you, you’re a part of the game. They can and will drop you as quickly as they meet you, but all the while you conform and stay loyal and do what they ask, they will stay.
Part of the hidden cost of loving the narcissist is living under their terms and conditions, meaning you sign your life over and abide by their rules.
The cost of loving them
What if we looked further into the cost of loving a narcissist. The costs that are kept hidden. The costs that you yourself aren’t even aware of – not fully anyway.
If you think you’ve read the cost already, you haven’t seen anything yet.
#1 You lose yourself
Who you were before you met the narcissist will not be the same as who you are after you love them. Loving them comes with so many tags attached to it, and these tags look like:
- Dependence
- Isolation
- Anxiety
- Depression
- People-pleaser
- A person with no confidence
- A Serial forgiver
- A person trapped in a cycle of addiction
It’s no wonder you lose yourself. Narcissistic abuse is powerful, and it isn’t a one-time trauma, it is every day, in small, medium, or large ways.
The love you feel for your abuser comes from the promises they made to you when you first met them.
It comes from the hope that they will change. It comes from the programming they undertake upon you, so that you obey and conform to their every demand.
It comes from how they chip away at you constantly, but convince you that they still love you.
They don’t love you. They love what you give them, and how you supply them with fuel to keep doing what they do best; abuse.
#2 You lose faith in love
If you think this is love, then you will stare into your future assuming the same from every potential partner you meet.
You will look for the same charm and wit as the narcissist, and anything else (anything normal) will seem almost boring to you.
And so what happens? The same patterns exist, unless you take your time to get to know somebody properly first, without all the love-bombing and fireworks.
If you don’t, you will lose faith in love. You’ll think all love equates to abuse, and that simply is not the case.
Love is amazing, and it is slow and meaningful. It has purpose, and respect, and compassion, and compromise.
Love encourages and inspires, and without it the world would be a much darker place.
If you love a narcissist, I ask you to think about what it is you love about them. Is it who they are 5% of the time, or is it the idea of who they could potentially be 100% of the time if they weren’t abusing you?
Don’t be fooled by a story you’re telling yourself. Be enlightened by reality, instead.
#3 You believe them
This goes for when they tell you they love you, to when they give you the silent treatment or tell you that you’re a terrible person in the midst of their narcissistic rage.
You believe them all of the time, and that constant contrast of confusion vs. happiness and hope is exhausting to you.
You want to be able to exist in a world where you are appreciated and feel safe, but instead, loving the narcissist comes at this cost.
They are so convincing at telling you what they want you to hear, and for that reason, you’ve no doubt that what they say is in fact, the truth.
I think now is a good time to remind you that narcissists are liars, and they always will be.
#4 The continual grief
The grief of loving somebody that doesn’t exist. The grief of loving a person who doesn’t love you back.
The grief of what could be if they worked on themselves. The grief of wasted time. The grief of the old you, stolen from you by them.
It is so much to work through.
I don’t blame you for constantly feeling like a thick, grey cloud is hovering over you. It’s continuous, and it can feel neverending.
There is no happy ending to loving a narcissist unless you realize that love is made up of trauma, triggers, hope and pain.
When you can get to that point, you can get to the point where you start to heal.
