By now you know what a red flag is, and if you don’t, I’ve got you covered on that as well!
Waving red flags in your face doesn’t mean you’re going to spot a narcissist for who they really are.
That’s why it’s so it’s important for me to show you the biggest one when it comes to dating a narcissist.
Dating a narcissist will always end in disaster – but you can take control by opening your eyes and seeing what’s really going on.
Just The One?
I know, and trust me, it was a difficult time over here at Narcissism HQ to even narrow it down, but I wanted to offer you one base to put that red flag in.
The base is pretty much the foundation any narcissist uses to become who they are.
When every strop, comment, silent moment, threat, smirk is given, they all boil down to one thing.
And that’s where the red flag flies.
So what is the biggest red flag that will sit in that base?
Lack of Empathy
It comes as no surprise that narcissists have a lack of empathy. To some extent, you may already know this, but do you really know it?
How far does that lack of empathy stretch, and just how deep can it cut the victims of narcissistic abuse?
It stretches far. And it cuts deep.
What Lack of Empathy Looks Like
If you want to understand other people, it begins with empathy.
To hold empathy in your heart, one must be able to connect and share emotions and experiences.
Look at the perspective of somebody other than you, without judgment, and listen. Feel how they’re feeling, and respond in kindness and compassion.
Empathy will make any relationship richer, and I think that’s why those in narcissistic relationships feel so isolated and empty.
They think they’re the problem in it all, without failing to step back and look at the bigger picture.
The problem is not the victim.
In fact, the victim has all the empathy in the world.
Narcissists want to be treated with respect and kindness because they don’t think any other treatment comes close to what they – on their high horse – deserve.
So for them to lack so much is the very thing that drains you.
Lack of empathy… Let’s open that can of worms for a moment…
To dismiss your feelings.
Like it isn’t hard enough to live with a narcissist, let alone have them make you think that your feelings don’t matter. Not just once, but this is an invalidation that happens time and time again.
Never really saying sorry.
Another reason to spot that red flag. Their sorry seems so disingenuous. They don’t mean them, and you don’t feel like they’re even offering a fraction of remorse.
It;s unfair to expect you to see these kinds of apologies as a standard that is high, because it isn’t.
Everything is about them.
Of course it is!
Being cruel without conscience.
Oh yes. The old saying by them is, “It was just a joke.” Even going further and actually blaming you for your reaction to their cruel jibe.
Ignoring your boundaries.
Boundaries are there for a reason; without them, we just invite anybody and everybody to walk all over us.
Narcissists look for people whose boundaries can be easily moved because they know they can get away with so much more.
Think about it. With strong boundaries, they’re getting nowhere near you and what you will tolerate.
Let’s think about all of that for a moment. It’s okay for me to reel off all the signs that a person lacks empathy, but what am I really saying to you? What kind of person am I describing?
Five years ago, I worked professionally with somebody who I will call Sally.
She came to me devastated that she’d lived in a marriage of almost fifty years with a man who abused her from the moment they met.
She told me that he was so sympathetic to her difficult childhood, and listened so intently to her triggers and fears.
She shared all the things she feared: being abandoned, ignored, and criticized. She said she had enough of that from her father and wanted a happy relationship.
The man she met promised to take care of her, and set her up to love and attach like never before.
Over time, Sally understood that her ex-husband pretended to be empathetic.
This was all false, and the idea that he was the one to make it all better was nothing but an illusion.
In reality, and over time, he acted exactly like her father did.
Sally struggled to understand how two men who were supposed to love her, did not show any signs that they did.
She used to say to me, “Alexander, how can a person be so heartless? What did I do wrong?”
It’s never your fault. You can’t expect a narcissist to be emotionally complete.
It’s a damaging trait in a person, but the lack of empathy is a huge red flag, and if you’re dating a narcissist, you’re going to have to keep a close eye on how they treat you and people.
That can be tough due to….
The Charming Start
The narcissist will be on their best behavior when they initially meet you. That’s why it’s hard to spot lack of empathy.
But you can find it if you search hard.
- How they treat the server in the restaurant.
- How they act around animals, or babies, or children.
- What they do if they spot an elderly person trying to cross a road.
Anything small that can signal a red flag may be present is definitely worth exploring.
How Lack of Empathy Can Affect You
Empathy is a universal, basic, fundamental aspect of a good character.
To have it and share it brings people together. It’s how we connect; it’s how we understand the pain and pleasure of others. We tune in and support; we express care and compassion.
Without it, what are we?
Surely, and I don’t say this lightly, without it we are less as people.
So with that in mind, if you’re dating a narcissist, and you’re receiving no empathy, it’s going to crush you the longer and longer you stay with them.
Soon enough, you’ll not know who you are without a cold response, or a critical comment, or the silent treatment.
Look out for this biggest red flag as soon as you start dating. It will be the difference between picking somebody healthy, and choosing a narcissist.
