I think there’s been a time with all of us that we spent hoping a person would change for the better, and that their narcissism would dissolve like an antacid.
Whether they’re family, friends or coworkers, the truth is, they will never change. This makes sticking around one of the worst ideas you can possibly think of.
The patience you need to assume that someday things will be different would need to be off the charts.
If you wait for them to change, your life is going to very much look a certain way. You’ve come to the right place if you want to know more.
Picture yourself twenty years from now…
I know it can be a tough pill to swallow when there are narcissists involved, but just try.
And then go back to what I asked you to do, and remind yourself that it shouldn’t be a bad thing to picture yourself 20 years from now.
Sure, you’ll be older, but you’ll be alive. Without a narcissist, the sky is your limit, with one, the ceiling is your limit.
So, 20 years from now, when you’re still with that toxic person who has total control over you and everything you do, what do you look like?
How do you present to the world? What do you do every day? How do you feel?
These are huge questions, and I know there’s no solid way of knowing, but
I can tell you a few facts right now, starting with the reality that you won’t be the best version of yourself.
The same dynamic, the same dread
It’s painful to admit, I know.
You might be living in a different house, maybe even a different town. You might have your hair a slightly different color, or have a new car.
What about everything that goes on in your life that you can’t see? The dynamics of your relationship, for starters, will be exactly the same as they always were.
- You will still feel as though you’re walking on eggshells.
- Your anxiety will be sky high, higher than you’ve ever known it to be.
- You will not have any real hobbies.
- You won’t see your friends often, if at all.
- There will definitely be some kind of family fall out.
- Your confidence by then will not only have ceased to exist, it will be nothing but a distant memory of something you once had.
- You will doubt every decision or thought you make or have because that’s what you’ve been programmed to do over the years.
- You will dread being in their company, but you won’t know any different so you remain caught up in it.
- You won’t be able to see what a life without the narcissist looks like.
- You won’t want to try because you will feel like you’re too old, or that too much of life has already passed.
The same cycle, stuck on repeat, even after all that time has passed. The older you get, the less time you have for yourself.
The older you get in their company, the more precious time of yours they steal that you will never be able to claim back.
Waiting does nothing
Wanting the narcissist to change is one of the things that keeps victims locked into relationships for as long as they are.
There’s this constant glimmer of hope that they almost create themselves, but in reality, nothing can be built on hope because hope isn’t tangible.
You can hope, of course. You can want somebody to care about you and love you. You can want them to be caring and a good listener, and empathetic.
You can want them to be trustworthy and loyal. Ultimately, you won’t get what you want just by hope alone.
Narcissists will never change: Here’s why
Narcissists are unable to change. They pretend they’re able, and they even promise to in the future (leaving you feeling that good old hope again).
When it comes to the crunch, they don’t know how to get there. How can you realistically feel something you’ve faked your whole life?
Joy, happiness, contentment, wonder, curiosity, vulnerability; these are genuine feelings that a narcissist will fake to fit in, but ultimately cannot authentically feel.
Furthermore, how can anybody promise to improve if they already think they’re perfect?
When your hope becomes their supply
If you ask the average victim of narcissistic abuse, you’ll find that hope has carried them through potentially decades of time with their narcissist.
It starts a little after the early days, when that charm fades and they wait for the narcissist to go back to how they presented initially.
Hope then becomes central to the relationship, with everything based around it. But what a person wades through when they’re looking for hope, is the reality they’re trying to deny.
That reality is a life of anxiety, crop dusted with a healthy dose of depressive states and a loss of identity. You push it all to one side and think, “It’s okay. It will get better soon.”
Does it?
All you’re really doing to yourself is giving them time in your company feeling all those negative things, and as a result, feeding the narcissist all the supply they need.
Your anxiety is a turn on for them. What kind of crazed person feels so good about you feeling so bad?
Your escape plan
If you’re stuck with a narcissist, have you thought about an escape plan?
Do you dream about being able to one day walk away from the person who has been causing you all this pain and distress? What would you like to see for yourself and for your future?
I wish I could tell you what to do and exactly how it will feel, but it’s different for everybody.
There will be the pull to stay because it’s familiar, and because you think you need the security.
You don’t.
You don’t need anything that brings you this much stress, anxiety and pain. This is not how life is supposed to be, and the more you stay, the more normalized you make the abuse.
Is it time to stop making excuses for yourself and getting the help and support you need?
Then start with the acceptance that narcissists never change, no matter how long you wait for that magical (and fictional) moment.
The version you have of them in your mind is the one you have made up that you hold onto and tell yourself has the potential to be real.
So an escape plan is your only choice if you want to thrive in the long term. And I believe and trust that you’re able to do that.
No escape plan can be born and sold to the world in one day, and yes, it may take time for you to get all your ducks lined up and ready to make your move.
The alternative?
Staying where you are.
Living the same day, the same feelings, over and over.
Living in the reality that you are living in hope.
Letting the narcissist walk all over you.
