Hello, chosen one.
It is my understanding that your confusion as to why the narcissist chose you above everybody else brought you here.
What was it about you – specifically – that they found attractive? What made them make that toxic beeline for you? How did you end up in this mess?
Knowing what it was will raise awareness – and that awareness will save you the next time.
So, without further ado, let’s pick apart the narcissist’s motive.
You’re Good For Something
Hard to believe that you might be good for something in the eyes of the narcissist, isn’t it?
All that time they make you feel like you’re the last person on earth they’d choose to be stuck on a desert island with, yet they chose you.
Now, don’t go thinking the narcissist is right when they tell you that you’re good for nothing.
You’re good for everything they don’t want to see or hear about, so those traits are drained out of you.
I know how perplexing it can be to assume any kind of role in a narcissist’s life, but somehow, there is a part of you that needs them.
Understanding Your Role: The Bond Between
In short, a narcissist needs you because you are more willing to meet their needs than, say, a person with less empathetic traits.
Narcissists will give you all the attention and desire you feel you never had (very sporadically), and that’s what forms your attachment to them.
There’s part of you that needs the narcissist, too. They may resemble a parent from childhood, and you will be reminded how to earn their love to deserve it.
Because of that, it will feel like you’re correcting a part of yourself that you were once too young to know.
This bond is partly made up of them, and partly made up of you, but it’s there, and it’s there from the moment you both meet.
So, what helps the narcissist choose you? What exactly are they looking out for?
7 Reasons The Narcissist Chooses You
#1 To Use You
It’s simple, and it’s in plain old black and white.
Narcissists choose you because they know they can use you. They know you have so many things to offer and want to take advantage of them.
Your good nature is stripped of all dignity as they walk over you from the beginning. Knowing you’re on hand to do whatever they ask because you love them is how they get away with so much.
I hate to say it, but that’s the role you fill. That’s the void in their life you bring warmth and meaning to.
#2 You Give Them What They Need
It’s not that you openly or consciously want to hand the narcissist what they literally need – this is a lot deeper.
Giving the narcissist what they need can be how you:
- Forgive their rage or abuse
- Be sad or angry when they provoke you, or want you to be
- Be there to fill them with compliments when they need a boost of ego
- Fall into their games as if they were traps
- Change your mind based on what they tell you you should think
- Apologize. Even when you have done absolutely nothing wrong
The list can go on and on, but essentially, these are ways every victim gives their abuser what they need – always resulting in more power for them and less for you.
#3 To Make Them Look Good
If you can make them look good, it works out well for them, right?
Taking you out to buy an expensive outfit so you can come along like the trophy partner they want you to be at their important work party.
Having important contacts, connections, or even a job that they can show off to their friends. If you are seen as a person with a high status, then others will see the narcissist as worthy of being in your company.
Being at home and making the house look beautiful with all the money the narcissist tells you to spend on it. So when people come over, they are amazed by your lifestyle, maybe even a little envious*!
If you can help win people over for them, they will forever choose you.
*(Remember – healthy people will not hesitate to say how jealous they are of something another person has. The jestful way you can say, “Oh my God, I am so jealous you have this car!”, is what really fuels their supply).
#4 They Need a Place to Stay/Money
It can be brutal when somebody clings to you for a place to stay, or to keep asking for loans.
I’ll pay you back Friday, I promise.
I’ve got some work coming in. You’ll receive your money as soon as I can.
You want to oblige because you’re a good person – and you love to help!
This is why they chose you – to take full advantage of what you have.
What’s yours is theirs..!
#5 Your Positivity
Narcissists extract positivity from people and store that energy for themselves.
Fueling up on your supply will leave you with nothing, but they target you because of your supply.
Without any of that wholesome, good identity, you’re just another miserable person, and that’s no good for them.
#6 How Fair You Are
You’ll always give the narcissist the benefit of the doubt. You don’t want or like conflict.
You hate the thought of arguing over little things, so you do what you can to keep the peace.
You treat the narcissist so fairly, and they love knowing that they can get away with what they can.
They love seeing you give them the moral balance, and make no mistake, that will be one of the main reasons why they choose.
#7 Because You Chose Them
Okay, hear me out…
You didn’t say, “Hey, I think I’ll tolerate heavy abuse from this person. Therefore, I declare you the love of my life!”
But…
…You have to be the kind of person that needs those traits. And I know what you’re thinking. No, you don’t need abuse – but a part of you needed to respond positively to their charm.
You liked it. You enjoyed feeling valued. And all the times they listened to you pour your heart out about your past and everything you’ve been through, they listened.
It felt good to be heard finally, and you thought it would be different.
Only time proves you wrong, and by then, you’ve got yourself into a situation you’re keen to escape.
So yes, there are elements of you that choose those initial feelings and gestures from the narcissist – just as much as they choose you.
