It pains me to have to paraphrase a narcissist. Even as I type out the words, I am forced to hold down the vomit.
What especially makes me sick is how they have the nerve to justify themselves after saying or doing something majorly appalling.
And guess who suffers from it?
You!
I say no more!
Not only do I say it to you, I actually care enough to withstand the tide of nausea and offer you the things narcissists say to justify their behavior.
I just hope your stomach is stronger than mine…
Nothing That They Say Matters…
Not to them, anyway. The words that fall out of their mouth will naturally be a toxic blend of charm and chaffing, but that doesn’t mean you have to believe them, or accept those words for face value.
In truth, nothing a narcissist says matters because they’re coming from such a place of mental distortion.
Their realities are messed up, but they don’t want to admit it, or let you know where the weakness lies.
What they tell you is so enriched with drama and spitefulness that you will believe them. Words cut deep.
When they act or speak in these ways, you’re left with hearing certain things from them – and they’re all an act of self-justification.
“I Didn’t…”
It didn’t take me long to need to hand out the vomit bucket!
I didn’t.
Come on.
Of course you did.
We all know you did.
Even the neighbor’s cat knows you did.
Narcissists always do the thing they say they didn’t, but they expect you to listen when they try and worm their way out of it.
There is no justification for an act of unkindness, and no way to speak about escaping what those acts can do to people.
“I’ve Been Stressed At Work”
And?!
We all get stressed at work. We run later than we’d like. People don’t communicate with us.
Projects don’t go according to plan. We get sick and need to take time off—whatever it may be. Stress is not just for those who are toxic.
Stress is an excuse for those toxic to hit out at you (sometimes literally) and make you feel bad.
Then they have the blinding nerve to try and say, “Well hey, I had a bad day,” and shrug it off.
No. It doesn’t work that way at all. As a couple, you can work through stress together, instead of using it as an excuse to snap or bite at somebody who cares about you.
“I Work Hard, I Play Hard”
So, they’re late home again and aren’t answering their calls.
Where does this leave you?
You might be calling, wondering, or even checking local traffic on your phone if you’re starting to get overly anxious.
Why is it the narcissist gets to have all the fun by themselves, without giving you a second thought?
Is their time spent with anybody else in particular? What kind of threat might that look like to you?
And when they finally return home, they blame you. Somehow, people, the fault belongs with you. Can you believe it?!
Listen, I work hard, so I have every right to enjoy myself.
How very ‘them and you’ of them!
“I Had a Difficult Childhood”
Difficult childhoods leave extremely deep scars, and can make creating and maintaining relationships complicated.
If you had a challenging childhood, the chances are you’re aware of it and aim to work on what it meant for you.
This means examining your self-worth, confidence, and beliefs about yourself and the world.
Narcissists prefer to run with the painful narrative that they were unfairly treated, and use it as an excuse to unfairly treat you.
Holding their hands up and saying, “Things were so tough for me,” runs (or should run) thin.
You must put the inner work in if you want something to work with another. That’s not easy, but in doing so, you admit that you’re not perfect.
You don’t hand the responsibility over to anybody else, and that’s what narcissists do when they justify any bad behavior.
“You Do It, Too”
Oh, right. It’s like that, is it? And what exactly do you do that’s so terrible?
Perhaps once in twelve years, you were late home from work. The narcissist will never forget that one time, because that’s all they need to justify their constant tardiness.
They will if they can blame you and drag you into the fray. It’s how they cope with being the bad guy, so if they’re swimming in dank waters with somebody else, then it won’t seem half as bad!
“You’re Always On My Back!”
Are you, though?
I don’t think you are, and I don’t even know you.
To them, you’re on their back, but to you, you’re caring. You’re inquisitive. You want to talk.
These are normal things emotionally healthy people do in relationships. If a narcissist feels threatened, or if you’re digging too deep, they won’t tell you they feel too vulnerable.
Instead, they will tell you to back off.
“I was Fine Until You Started Asking Questions”
Again, it’s your fault if you try to engage with them. So what do you, as a victim, do?
Likely, you back right off. You sign up for the acceptance that you’re “too much” for somebody, and you leave them alone.
Then…
You don’t care about me! You don’t pay me any attention!
Oh, right. Here we go.
So literally nothing you do works, but somehow they always get to justify that.
“You Needed To Learn a Lesson”
No lessons need to be learned through acts of abusive behavior. The only thing that needs to be learned is how to treat people right, which certainly doesn’t need to come from you!
“It’s Your Fault!”
Straight out, directly accusing you of being to blame.
It’s a favorite narcissistic phrase, and it’s meant to hurt you. It’s meant to pass what they’re carrying onto you, so they aren’t weighed down by it.
You see how whatever you do, you’re always in the wrong, even when what you do is absolutely nothing?!
“It Just Builds Up”
Whatever builds inside the narcissist is down to them to regulate – not you.
If they’ve got a lot going on, it’s their lack of admittance of a problem and continued effort to maintain a perfect image that keeps the buildup from being able to escape.
Either way – you’re not the one to blame when that build-up bursts. If you’ve been left hurt by words or actions – the narcissist shouldn’t be able to get away with it by saying that it was a consequence of too much going on at once.
