I could genuinely sit here all day and write down the extensive list of the things narcissists will never do for you, but instead, I picked out the top things to share.
If you are trying to give the narcissist everything, while they give you absolutely nothing in return, it’s time we broke down what those things really look like.
At times, the best thing you can do to start your healing is realizing that none of this is your fault. Times like this? Yeah, it’s a really good place to start.
#1 Put you before their ego
If there’s one thing we are all learning in our lifetimes about narcissists, it’s that their go runs everything!
It doesn’t know how to have a day off, and is always the most important thing about them they need to uphold.
What comes after maintaining that?
Everything else.
Your needs, the love and affection they pour into the relationship, friends, family; all of it. And not just once every now and then, this is all the time.
If choosing you means their pride gets hurt, then they simply won’t choose you.
If helping you puts their ego at risk, they would rather sit back and watch you suffer.
#2 Love you
Narcissists don’t love in a healthy way. In fact, I’d go as far to say they don’t love at all, unless there’s something in it for them in the long or short term.
You want them to show how much they care, but they’re not even unwilling, they’re also unable.
It’s not good news for you, but the way a narcissist attaches to relationships means there’s no positive way through it for you.
What feels like love often presents more as possession, jealousy, control and anger.
There’s fear mixed in, as the narcissist hates the idea of you abandoning them while maintaining the approach of not actually wanting to get close to you.
Don’t expect love, it will never happen.
#3 Respect what boundaries you have
To a narcissist, every boundary feels like a rejection. You didn’t want to let them in, you didn’t let them have their way, you are pushing them back and they feel hurt by that.
Should that mean you stop having boundaries? NO! Keeping them keeps your own values and opinions at the forefront of your character, before the narcissist gets to rip it all to pieces.
You won’t get respect, but that doesn’t mean you quit on what is important to you.
#4 Celebrate the independent side to you
If you want to celebrate your independence, you’d better be prepared to do it alone, or better yet, make the most of it before the narcissist steals it from you.
You see, your independence is a threat to their control. If they know you don’t need to be led, then they have nobody to follow them.
They want you to be unsure and confused so you can inevitably go to them and ask them for help.
They want your approval, and it’s up to you whether or not you surrender your strength in order to please them.
#5 Take any kind of responsibility
No narcissist living and breathing will ever admit fault. Taking responsibility for something they did? You’re more likely to draw blood from a stone.
Responsibility involves admitting fault, and that’s such dangerous ground for a narcissist.
They’d rather deny everything, deflect blame onto somebody else, and rewrite the story entirely.
If blame can be shifted, they are huge fans of it. Don’t expect them to have any kind of conversation with you where they are happy to be in the wrong, it’ll never happen.
#6 Listen instead of defend
When you want to have an honest talk about the status of your relationship or anything you’re unhappy about, you ideally want somebody who is prepared to listen.
Not a narcissist.
They will use what you say as a huge threat to their innocence, and defend themselves.
Your criticism will be a sheer attack on who they are, leaving them unable to not interrupt and argue with you.
They want to justify themselves as opposed to understanding you.
All they want is to win. If it ever feels like conversations go round and round in circles, this is why.
#7 Change for good
Narcissists promise change when they fear you leaving. As your fingers curl round the door handle, ready to leave, you will hear everything you want to hear.
You decide to stay, and then what? Those words get chewed up by more manipulation and games.
When you indicate that you are staying, the narcissist will revert back to their old ways, like all the other patterns they’ve created since your time together.
You want a different dynamic moving forward, but you’ll never get it.
#8 See you as somebody equal to them
You will never be aligned with a narcissist all the while their go insists on being superior to literally everybody else they know and meet.
To be equal to you feels like a huge weakness to them, and they will never put themselves in that position.
You think you’re coming from a place of mutual respect and love in wanting equality, but they don’t want to be seen with the same rights as you.
If they have to compete for those rights in order to come out the end of it winning, then they will.
They want more.
That’s a huge reason why victims often end up with zero self-worth; because they’re constantly shown ways that they don’t measure up.
#9 Give you love without reward
When you offer a narcissist love, you will rarely get anything back.
However, interestingly, when a narcissist offers you (or as I prefer to call it, breadcrumbs) love your way, they want all the rewards in return.
It’s like all the kind ways they act has to come with strings attached to it, making all affection seem like a tool for control..
Love should just be freely offered to those whom you feel it for, that’s the whole point of loving in the first place.
#10 Protect you if it puts them in a firing line
Narcissists protect themselves first, and above anybody and anything else.
If there’s ever a time you need protecting that may threaten them, they would sooner walk away and leave you to fend for yourself.
Not ideal, I think you’ll agree, yet it’s such common practice with these people.
If standing up for you risks their comfort, they will step back and watch the fallout while remaining safe. And you know what the worst part is? It doesn’t matter how exposed you are, or are left.
They don’t care that you’re exposed, as long as their own character is intact.
Do you think that’s somebody who you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with?
I’d hope not, because this is the kind of attitude that is neglectful, irresponsible and unsupportive to say the least.
You don’t want to feel as though you can easily be abandoned just because the narcissist doesn’t want to risk their image.
