You’re such a drab and boring person! I don’t know why I ever fell in love with you!
God, you’re so needy! Stop wanting hugs and affection all the time – I’m too busy!
Ah yes, the overt narcissist. They make no secret that they are a total douchebag – but await!
What is this before my eyes?
A sly and cunning person – who keeps their abuse well hidden!
Ah – even more dangerous than the most proudly overt narcissist…
…The covert narcissist.
What makes them so dangerous?…
What is a Covert Narcissist?
Okay. You can google covert narcissism meanings until the cows come home, but here is my bespoke version of the true meaning of covert narcissism, and what a covert narcissist really is:
A covert narcissist is more concerned with internalizing their self-importance.
They have the game desires as overt narcissists, but they don’t shout from the rooftops.
Covert narcissists love to be subtle, and they’re very difficult to expose. They may appear holier-than-thou and gentle by nature, but they have the same motive.
They present as humble, perhaps even enlightened, but they arouse your empathy the way an overt narcissist would.
Intent on getting under your skin, covert narcissists will act smug and display passive-aggression whenever they get the chance.
Covert Traits? Tell Me More!
I’ve got you covered!
Covert narcissists:
- They have a constant need—I’d say a craving—to be acknowledged. Never leave them out of a group chat. Never tell them important news last. Or do, and really discover who they are based on how they handle those things!
- Are extremely sensitive to criticism. I mean, all you have to do is mention one thing, and their pride is so dented that you will likely see tears rather than anger as you would an overt narcissist.
- Will take advantage of you as much as they can. If you can help them, then good and so should you! If you let them down once, they will hold it against you and never let you forget it.
- Are extremely self-absorbed. Maybe it’s an image thing. Perhaps they are trying to portray themselves as incredibly spiritual beings. They don’t mind pretending to be vulnerable, as it’s an excuse for their insecurities to pour out occasionally under the guise of a spiritual practice.
- Get bored very easily. They don’t mind moving at the drop of a hat or if an opportunity comes along. They want to keep draining as much life out of earth as possible without ever putting any back.
- When you or others are talking, they may nod and smile and seem interested, but they don’t really care. They like listening to people’s problems so they don’t feel so bad about themselves.
- Are incredibly good at acting like a victim. They will use any opportunity to gain your sympathy, whether a call or text to check in with them, or to meet them for a drink or dinner. They also love it when you stop everything you’re doing to listen – even though you can never expect the same in return!
8 Reasons Covert Narcissists Are So Dangerous
1. Getting Tricked
The first and the most important to remember is that covert narcissists want to trick you.
Their entire demeanor is about making you believe they are something they aren’t, but it’s how they do it that’s dangerous.
They disguise themselves.
2. Everything Undercover
You won’t even know what covert narcissists really do, because it will all be undercover.
They are so good at hiding their toxicity that it’s almost as if they’re carrying a shovel with them wherever they go!
That’s what makes them so dangerous. Unearthing their covertness is difficult when they’ve buried it all without a trace.
You have to be really clever and on the ball for you to speak up and have it justified by evidence.
3. You Never Know What Will Happen Next
Who would?!
Covert narcissists aren’t going to tell you their plans, and those plans will soon shift anyhow.
Not knowing can cause extreme anxiety. Will they talk to you today? What mood will they be in? Have they forgiven you for not being able to meet them last week?
So many questions float around, and none will be able to be 100% answered.
4. Always a Risk of Losing Somebody Close To You
This can be done in a few sly ways, so let’s go through them individually.
The first is how covert narcissists get under your skin by convincing you that the people in your life are not good enough for you, or that you are too good for them.
You don’t want to hang out with them, surely? They constantly drag you down. You’re always so stressed after seeing them. You know I want the best for you.
You’re far too good for them! Come on! Hang out with me instead. We can do whatever you want.
See how it’s always about ‘your wellbeing?’
It’s the covert nature behind trying to control who you see, when, and how often you see them.
Tell me that isn’t dangerous.
5. You Will Be to Blame
For everything.
Which is why I like to advise people who have a covert narcissist in their life to keep texts, or make notes of arrangements.
You will be to blame if you let them down because you genuinely cannot make something. It’s not easy – but that’s what makes them so dangerous.
6. Recognizing it!
Hey, I’m by no means saying that recognizing any kind of abuse is dangerous, but it’s in when you do. Usually, it’s far too late by the time you have, and much damage has already been done.
It’s often trying to spot a covert narcissist that’s the actual problem. Which means what?
It means they can get away with a lot in the space of time they’re given.
7. You Don’t See Them Coming
Why would you? If you have no experience in narcissism, you’re not going to spot somebody who is one – namely covert.
They’re so nice. And so humble. They want to listen to your stories and relate to them. They want to tell you all about their spiritual practice. They want to be around you all the while you do what they want you to do.
Of course you aren’t going to see them coming.
8. The Clean Up
Narcissists always leave a mess for you to clean up – and it’s never pretty.
You’d think by mess I mean trash all over the floor, or dirty laundry, but I don’t. Namely, I mean the mess they cause in:
- Your relationships
- Your mental health
- Your physical health
- Maybe even your job
- Your self-esteem
- The way you present yourself, like your image
- Your confidence
- Your self-belief
The clean-up can take a while, and it can be complicated. I don’t want you to think it’s impossible, but covert narcissists will leave you feeling exhausted from knowing what needs to be done next.
Don’t let that stop you though!
