You’re such a drab and boring person! I don’t know why I ever fell in love with you!

God, you’re so needy! Stop wanting hugs and affection all the time – I’m too busy!

Ah yes, the overt narcissist. They make no secret that they are a total douchebag – but await!

What is this before my eyes?

A sly and cunning person – who keeps their abuse well hidden!

Ah – even more dangerous than the most proudly overt narcissist…

…The covert narcissist.

What makes them so dangerous?…

What is a Covert Narcissist?

Okay. You can google covert narcissism meanings until the cows come home, but here is my bespoke version of the true meaning of covert narcissism, and what a covert narcissist really is:

A covert narcissist is more concerned with internalizing their self-importance.

They have the game desires as overt narcissists, but they don’t shout from the rooftops.

Covert narcissists love to be subtle, and they’re very difficult to expose. They may appear holier-than-thou and gentle by nature, but they have the same motive.

They present as humble, perhaps even enlightened, but they arouse your empathy the way an overt narcissist would. 

Intent on getting under your skin, covert narcissists will act smug and display passive-aggression whenever they get the chance. 

Covert Traits? Tell Me More!

I’ve got you covered!

Covert narcissists:

• They have a constant need—I’d say a craving—to be acknowledged. Never leave them out of a group chat. Never tell them important news last. Or do, and really discover who they are based on how they handle those things!

• Are extremely sensitive to criticism. I mean, all you have to do is mention one thing, and their pride is so dented that you will likely see tears rather than anger as you would an overt narcissist.

• Will take advantage of you as much as they can. If you can help them, then good and so should you! If you let them down once, they will hold it against you and never let you forget it. 

• Are extremely self-absorbed. Maybe it’s an image thing. Perhaps they are trying to portray themselves as incredibly spiritual beings. They don’t mind pretending to be vulnerable, as it’s an excuse for their insecurities to pour out occasionally under the guise of a spiritual practice. 

• Get bored very easily. They don’t mind moving at the drop of a hat or if an opportunity comes along. They want to keep draining as much life out of earth as possible without ever putting any back.

• When you or others are talking, they may nod and smile and seem interested, but they don’t really care. They like listening to people’s problems so they don’t feel so bad about themselves. 

• Are incredibly good at acting like a victim. They will use any opportunity to gain your sympathy, whether a call or text to check in with them, or to meet them for a drink or dinner. They also love it when you stop everything you’re doing to listen – even though you can never expect the same in return!

8 Reasons Covert Narcissists Are So Dangerous

1. Getting Tricked 

The first and the most important to remember is that covert narcissists want to trick you. 

Their entire demeanor is about making you believe they are something they aren’t, but it’s how they do it that’s dangerous. 

They disguise themselves.

2. Everything Undercover

You won’t even know what covert narcissists really do, because it will all be undercover. 

They are so good at hiding their toxicity that it’s almost as if they’re carrying a shovel with them wherever they go!

That’s what makes them so dangerous. Unearthing their covertness is difficult when they’ve buried it all without a trace.

You have to be really clever and on the ball for you to speak up and have it justified by evidence. 

3. You Never Know What Will Happen Next

Who would?!

Covert narcissists aren’t going to tell you their plans, and those plans will soon shift anyhow. 

Not knowing can cause extreme anxiety. Will they talk to you today? What mood will they be in? Have they forgiven you for not being able to meet them last week? 

So many questions float around, and none will be able to be 100% answered. 

4. Always a Risk of Losing Somebody Close To You

This can be done in a few sly ways, so let’s go through them individually.

The first is how covert narcissists get under your skin by convincing you that the people in your life are not good enough for you, or that you are too good for them.

You don’t want to hang out with them, surely? They constantly drag you down. You’re always so stressed after seeing them. You know I want the best for you. 

You’re far too good for them! Come on! Hang out with me instead. We can do whatever you want. 

See how it’s always about ‘your wellbeing?’

It’s the covert nature behind trying to control who you see, when, and how often you see them. 

Tell me that isn’t dangerous.

5. You Will Be to Blame

For everything.

Which is why I like to advise people who have a covert narcissist in their life to keep texts, or make notes of arrangements.

You will be to blame if you let them down because you genuinely cannot make something. It’s not easy – but that’s what makes them so dangerous. 

6. Recognizing it!

Hey, I’m by no means saying that recognizing any kind of abuse is dangerous, but it’s in when you do. Usually, it’s far too late by the time you have, and much damage has already been done. 

It’s often trying to spot a covert narcissist that’s the actual problem. Which means what?

It means they can get away with a lot in the space of time they’re given. 

7. You Don’t See Them Coming

Why would you? If you have no experience in narcissism, you’re not going to spot somebody who is one – namely covert. 

They’re so nice. And so humble. They want to listen to your stories and relate to them. They want to tell you all about their spiritual practice. They want to be around you all the while you do what they want you to do. 

Of course you aren’t going to see them coming. 

8. The Clean Up

Narcissists always leave a mess for you to clean up – and it’s never pretty.

You’d think by mess I mean trash all over the floor, or dirty laundry, but I don’t. Namely, I mean the mess they cause in:

• Your relationships
• Your mental health
• Your physical health
• Maybe even your job
• Your self-esteem
• The way you present yourself, like your image
• Your confidence
• Your self-belief

The clean-up can take a while, and it can be complicated. I don’t want you to think it’s impossible, but covert narcissists will leave you feeling exhausted from knowing what needs to be done next. 

Don’t let that stop you though!

20 Things That Drive Narcissists Absolutely Nuts

We might all think Narcissists are the strong ones, the ones in control. But in reality, the Narcissist is busy maintaining his fake superior image.

They are fragile creatures inside, and they are afraid everyone will start to notice that.

The idea that they are exposed, being called out, or worse….being ignored drives them NUTS.

Here are 20 things that drive Narcissists Nuts.

#1 Being Called Out: 

Narcissists hate when their manipulative tactics or lies are challenged or exposed, as it clashes with the facade they present.

When you call out a narcissist on their manipulative tactics or lies, it strikes a nerve; they loathe having their carefully crafted facade disturbed.

This challenge to their perceived perfection and control can provoke anger or even rage. They’ll often react defensively, redirect blame, or play the victim.

It’s a desperate attempt to maintain their self-created illusion.

#2 Dealing with the Truth

They do not like dealing with the truth, especially when it challenges their false self-image or deceptive narratives.

Narcissists find it incredibly difficult to confront the truth, particularly if it shatters their falsely constructed self-image or undermines their deceitful narratives.

They can’t stand it when reality doesn’t align with their skewed perceptions.

#3 Fighting Back

It can be deeply unsettling when someone reacts firmly against their attempts to control, belittle, or undermine.

Just as they struggle with accepting the truth, narcissists also have a tough time when their attempts to control, belittle, or undermine are met with firm resistance.

It’s deeply unsettling for them when you stand your ground, refusing to be manipulated or put down. They’re used to being in control, and your defiance shakes their world, leaving them frustrated and, often, furious.

#4 Standing Up for Yourself

They are annoyed when others stand up for themselves, as it goes against their desire for dominance.

Pushing back against a narcissist’s dominance can throw them off balance, and they resent anyone brave enough to stand their ground.

Narcissists crave control, and when you assert yourself, you’re denying them that. They can’t stand it when their power is threatened like this.

#5 Ignoring and Blocking Them

Narcissists like to be the center of attention. Being ignored or blocked shakes their esteemed self-image.

While standing your ground can rattle them, denying them the spotlight by ignoring or blocking their efforts is another effective way to shake a narcissist’s self-image.

They crave attention, and they’re left unsettled when you don’t give it.

#6 Silence

Silent treatment can be very aggravating for a narcissist who thrives on the attention.

In the grand theater of human interaction, your silence can be the most disturbing noise for a narcissist. They thrive on attention, and your refusal to engage strips them of that spotlight. It’s their kryptonite, rendering them powerless.

Your silence doesn’t just annoy them, it shakes their self-esteem. So, when dealing with a narcissist, sometimes, silence is golden.

#7 Using Grey Rock Method

A technique involving minimal response to their behavior. They despise being completely deprived of emotional responses to feed on.

Just as your silence can be disarming, employing the Grey Rock Method—giving minimal response to a narcissist’s behavior—can be equally, if not more, infuriating for them.

They thrive on emotional reactions, and you’re robbing them of their power by denying them that.

You’re not feeding their need for drama.

You’re simply a grey rock: uninteresting, unresponsive, and utterly frustrating for them.

#8 Exposure of Who They Are

The fear of revealing their genuine, often insecure self beneath the superficial perfection can cause distress.

Narcissists dread exposing their true selves, hidden beneath layers of crafted perfection and grandiosity. They fear the unveiling of their genuine, often insecure self. This fear isn’t groundless.

It’s possible to be seen without the mask, the facade they’ve meticulously built. The thought of their imperfections being laid bare can distress them immensely. It’s a reality they can’t stand to face.

#9 Being Laughed At

It can trigger a sense of shame or humiliation, challenging their grandiose self-image.

Imagine the scene: you’re laughing at a narcissist, perhaps pointing out a small mistake they’ve made.

This can ignite a deep sense of shame or humiliation in them, directly challenging their inflated self-image. They’re not used to being the butt of a joke.

It’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s a direct hit to their ego and can make them livid.

#10 Knowledge Gap

It can be very irksome for them if they are out of the loop or others know something they don’t.

When you’re privy to information that a narcissist isn’t, it’s like a thorn in their side. They can’t stand being out of the loop. Knowledge gaps drive them crazy.

It’s not just about feeling left out, it’s about their need to be superior. If you know something they don’t, it challenges their self-perceived dominance, and that’s a bitter pill for them to swallow.

#11 Reputational Damage

Narcissists value their reputation and public image highly and any harm to it can drive them into a rage.

If there’s even a hint of damage to their meticulously crafted public image, it can send a narcissist spiraling into a fit of rage. They’ve spent years building and polishing their reputation, so any slight, real or perceived, feels like a personal affront.

They can’t tolerate being seen as anything less than perfect, so they’ll do anything to prevent their image from tarnishing.

#12 Losing Control

Any loss of control, especially over others’ lives, is deeply frustrating and threatening to them.

Just as a narcissist can’t stand the thought of a tarnished reputation, losing control, particularly over others’ lives, deeply unnerves them. You’ll find them scrambling to regain their power, their self-worth attached to the puppeteer’s strings.

They feel threatened and cornered. Any hint of independence from you is met with manipulation, tantrums, or cold dismissal. It’s their desperate bid to remain at the helm, in control.

#13 Denial

Saying “No” to a narcissist can spark extreme anger as they’re not used to being denied what they want.

Denying a narcissist something they want isn’t just a simple ‘no’ for them; it’s an insult to their entitlement, which often triggers an extreme reaction. This ‘no’ sparks an anger they can’t easily quell, because they’re unaccustomed to denial.

#14 Refusing to Play Along

Not feeding into their manipulation games can provoke their ire.

When you refuse to participate in a narcissist’s web of manipulation, their frustration often manifests as anger and hostility. They’re used to having control and playing mind games.

But standing your ground, not feeding into their tactics, truly irks them. It disrupts their power dynamics, forcing them to face an uncomfortable reality: they can’t always get their way.

#15 Losing

They have a deep need always to win. Losing, whether in work, social scenarios, or relationships, can frustrate them.

Narcissists are exceedingly competitive, and a loss in any area of life, whether professional or personal, can send them into frustration and resentment. They’re driven by a need always to win. When they don’t, it’s not just a setback, but a personal affront.

This extreme reaction to losing can lead to strained relationships and workplace conflicts as they struggle to regain control.

#16 Cutting Off Contact

Going ‘no contact’ deprives them of the control and attention they seek, driving them into a frenzy.

Have you ever considered what happens to a narcissist when you cut off all contact?

It drives them absolutely nuts. Narcissists thrive on control and attention; without it, they’re sent into a tailspin.

Going ‘no contact’ strips them of their power, leaving them scrambling for a way to regain it.

It’s a simple yet effective way to kick them off their self-built pedestal.

#17 Independent Thoughts and Opinions

Narcissists strongly dislike when others show autonomy, contradicting their views or decisions.

Exerting your independence and voicing your thoughts and opinions can truly rattle a narcissist’s cage. They can’t stand it when you show autonomy, contradicting their views or decisions. It’s like a direct blow to their inflated ego, leaving them feeling threatened.

#18 Seeing Others’ Success

Other people’s success, especially when surpassing their own, provokes envy and resentment.

When you shine brighter than them, particularly in areas they value, narcissists can’t help but feel a twinge of envy and resentment. Your success, especially if it surpasses their own, drives them up the wall.

It’s a blow to their inflated self-image, triggering feelings of inadequacy. They’re left grappling with bitterness, struggling to accept that someone else is outshining them.

#19 Displaying Empathy

They can’t understand or appreciate empathetic behavior, often viewing it as a weakness.

Just as your success irks them, showing empathy – a trait they can neither understand nor appreciate – is another thing that drives narcissists up the wall. They view it as a sign of weakness, not strength.

This inability to comprehend empathy often leads to frustration and confusion. So, when you’re kind and understanding, you’re not just being good. You’re also getting under a narcissist’s skin.

#20 Feeling Inferior

Anything that makes them feel less superior or important can spark intense negative reactions.

Narcissists often struggle intensely with feelings of inferiority, and anything that suggests they’re less superior or important can trigger extreme negative reactions. They’ll interpret this as a clear sign of disrespect if you slight or overlook them.

They can’t stand being outshone or feeling second best. Always needing to be the center of attention, they’ll overreact if they sense they’re not.