If you had a big jar of dollar coins, and somebody came along and took one at a time, you’d not notice until that jar had significantly dwindled.
Narcissistic abuse is the same. Narcissists never come along and steal everything from you all at once.
If they did, there would be no doubt that they’re thieves. Instead, narcissists steal so slowly that they can apply gaslighting tools to their actions, making it seem impossible for you to blame them.
Today is about what they steal, and how you only notice these things aren’t there anymore when it’s too late to defend them.
1 Hope for a happy future together
Initially meeting a narcissist doesn’t feel like you’ve met a narcissist if you’re a person without much knowledge of them.
Instead, it will be more like you’ve met your prince or princess charming. Every tick of all your boxes has been made, and you quickly feel as though this is the end game for you.
Nobody else will come close, and you dream of a happy ending together.
That sounds lovely, but the truth rears up soon enough, and that’s always when the mask slips, and you see who this person really is.
You spend a lot of time, even years hoping for change that never comes, but eventually, and very slowly through their own actions and behaviors, that hope is dashed.
A narcissist will prove to you over and over that there’s no escape from the up and down they’ve brought to the relationship, until you finally leave and see the whole picture.
2 Your self-worth
This one is sly, and I mean very sly. You hear a comment that bugs you, niggling at you for the rest of the day.
That’s just one time, but what if it’s every single day? What if it’s more than just a comment, but an action; a push, a slam of the door, or a throwing of a glass across the room in a fit of rage?
What if it’s a comment aimed at you? You are worthless, nobody else will ever love you, you’re no good at this or that.
When they’re gone and you are left with just you, and no more new additions to the voice of your inner critic, you can start to fight back. You can question your beliefs, and ask yourself where they originate from, and that is a moment of power for you.
Until then, your self-worth will be dashed. It’s how narcissists make themselves in their own miserable lives feel better.
3 Your dreams (they turn to fears)
Whatever dreams you had before you met will slowly be stolen from you during your time together.
If you want to travel, they will plant a fear in you, making you never even want to leave the city you live in.
If you want to build your own business, they will criticize you every step of the way until you think, “What’s the point? I may as well not bother.”
When they’re gone, you will be left with nothing but emptiness. You’ll wonder how it got that far, and where you went?
Without the narcissist there dictating your every thought or move, you can start to build the life you wanted all along, and if you allow that growth organically, it will feel as though you’re ready to take on the world.
4 Your drive
Where did your drive disappear to? I can only tell you that if you haven’t discovered it, yet you have a narcissist in your life, that you aren’t looking hard enough.
I can guarantee they’re the reason why you feel the way you do, and why it seems as though anything you want to do is just too much to work for.
It isn’t because you don’t want it, but rather that you’ve been taught that you aren’t good enough for any of it.
Your drive has been stolen.
Just relax, you don’t need to work out every day. Take the day off. You work way too hard. You deserve a break from it all.
What if you don’t want a break? What if you’re currently working really hard to get a goal met, and the narcissist is using your drive as a reason why they want you to apply your brakes?
Definitely something to consider, and when they leave your life, you will be far more likely to think, “Wow, I feel so driven now.”
This is because that voice has finally gone, too.
5 Healthy habits
You can kiss goodbye to healthy habits if you are around a narcissist. If you want to do well and take care of yourself, the narcissist will want to put a stop to it.
They don’t want you to be the best version of yourself, because then you might show them up.
Instead, they will goad you to eat the cake, drink the wine, stay up late and get up early for work, and burn you out. You ‘ll live your life on a constant sugar rush, addicted to your screen if they had anything to do with it.
6 A regulated nervous system
I hate to say it, but you can kiss goodbye to a nervous system that helps you and does what it’s supposed to do.
It will instead learn, through being around a narcissist, to constantly be activated, ready for conflict or drama.
It won’t settle when it should, which stands to leave you feeling nervous and on edge a lot of the time, when you should be relaxed.
It’s only after they’ve gone for good you will start to unpack what that really looks like, and how bad it’s been over the years.
7 Your confidence
Your confidence will be one of the first things the narcissist steals from you.
From telling you that you don’t look good in your clothes, to sharing a joke with you when you even contemplate applying for a job that they think is above you.
From isolating you from family and friends, to convincing you that you aren’t a good lover.
Confidence goes, and as soon as the narcissist eventually does, you will see how much you’ve changed in their company over time.
8 Your purpose
What do you really want from life? Who are you, when everything else is peeled back? What makes your heart skip a beat? What do you think is really important? What gets you out of bed in the morning?
You will know at the start of your relationship with a narcissist, but over time, those parts of you will be stolen in plain sight.
You’ll be criticized so heavily for the things you love to do or are passionate about, that you won’t even feel like bothering to fight for them any more.
Your purpose will erode, like a chalk cliff. Soon enough, you won’t know what you want, and you’ll wonder what happened to that fire in your belly.
You can blame the narcissist for all of it. When they go for good, you’ll see how much they emptied your soul, leaving you depleted, with no hope.
Now, that can finally change.
