They messed up again, didn’t they?
The narcissist walked into your day, and upset you with their toxic behavior. They took full advantage of you, but you forgave them.
You forgave them for reasons that only you can understand, and we will look into those too.
But now what?
The narcissist takes your forgiveness, and they completely abuse it.
How they do that is undeniably detrimental to your relationship and mental health, yet they do it anyway.
So – that thing – let’s open that up a little more, shall we?
A Tough Topic…
I’d say most of my messages from people contain requests for advice about how to forgive the narcissist.
How can I forgive how they treat me?
How can I forgive what they said or did?
How am I supposed to keep saying, “I forgive you”, when I hurt inside?
I wonder how to answer those questions, because I know a lot of you are looking for just that. If I offered ways to teach you to forgive somebody for abusing you, what does that say about me?
It’s now what I can do, but what I can offer are all the things the narcissist does with your forgiveness.
In showing you those things, I can hopefully begin to open your eyes to what is really going on.
Healthy Forgiveness?
Forgiveness isn’t something we should never be offering to the people we love, who have made genuine mistakes…
…And are remorseful.
I don’t want to teach people to never forgive, because forgiveness is part of letting go and offering somebody another chance to make it better.
However – if forgiveness is something that you’re constantly offering to somebody?
No.
If they show absolutely zero conscience when repeatedly making the same moves after you’ve done so?
No again.
The Healthy Forgiver
Those who choose to forgive, are choosing to start again. They chose to allow the person who made the mistake to reflect and mean what they say.
They forgive with the knowledge that you must acknowledge what happened, and move on with the notion that moving on helps you grow.
The Healthy Way To Celebrate Forgiveness
For those who have been granted forgiveness – you can feel hopeful that you have turned a corner from whatever it was that went wrong, and find each other again.
And when somebody tells you that they forgive you, you see it as a blessing. And you learn a whole new level of remorse and appreciation.
What To Expect From Being Able to Forgive
Being able to forgive means you can find sympathy for the person who made a mistake, and see how sorry they were. When you can see the pain in their eyes and how much they want to make it better with you – it is your call.
Healthy people don’t see this as power, and instead see it as one way of opening up topics for communication. They want everything to be okay, and will forgive in order to move on.
What does this mean for narcissists?
When they’ve got your forgiveness in their pocket, what do they do with it?
What Happens When You Forgive The Narcissist
You’ve been hurt by a narcissist.
What exactly is it that you want?
Well – like anybody who has been hurt – you want them to understand the pain you’re in. You want to be able to display your sadness or hurt, or disappointment. You reach out, telling them how you feel, and in that moment, you can be heard.
It’s so important to be heard.
It’s an expectation that ought to be automatic. If the hurt can be recognized, the action of causing it won’t happen again.
I mean – that’s the idea with most acts of forgiveness, right? It isn’t so we can go ahead and make those mistakes all over again the very next day.
Forgiveness is about the other person making changes, so that you don’t run into the same issues all over again.
Behavior Changes That Are Meaningful
As narcissists tend to take your forgiveness and further abuse it, you’re going to see patterns replay that are never going to work in your favor.
If you keep forgiving somebody while they continue to make the same mistakes, you’re going to have to ask yourself two important questions…
…Are you forgiving them repeatedly because you have forgotten your worth?
…Do they love being with you because they can see nothing but unlimited forgiveness on the horizon?
Getting away with what they do is only possible all the while you allow it.
Don’t be a sucker to these repeated attempts at betraying your forgiveness.
In the Moment
Self-serving and insensitive people, such as narcissists, aren’t always going to be aware that they’re even doing anything wrong. I don’t mean that for all – because I know toxic people can equally set out to cause harm and hurt.
But…
When you take the average narcissist, you’re taking a person who is incredibly entitled. They do not have any thoughts about you or how hurt you feel at a moment when they make a mistake. They’re not thinking about you.
Thinking about themselves is where it starts and ends, and there’s always room for apologizing later.
How many times is that possible?
Well – that’s down to you…
Your Forgiveness: What Narcissists Do With It
#1 They Abuse It
Narcissists will abuse your forgiveness by continuing to do things that upset or hurt you. If they know they can do it once, they will make their apology a little bigger next time in the hope you will keep sweeping their wrongdoings under the carpet.
#2 They Do Not Expect The Same in Return
Heck, no!
Narcissists never forgive people!
This is so important to remember.
If you make a mistake, the narcissist is going to hold that against you for as long as you stay in contact, and even after!
That one time you did something wrong and are genuinely remorseful will never escape their minds. What that does is two things:
It will keep you in a constant state of guilt, looping from apologizing over and over, to wishing you could just go back and change what happened.
You’re also left feeling like you’re forever in their debt, like you have to keep making it up to them. They will add to this by saying things like, “Remember when you did that thing and how much it hurt me? I still can’t believe you did that.”
Oh, we know. We hear it nearly every day.
#3 They See Your Non-Limits
You not having any limits will only mean they can push and push you until you literally have a breakdown.
Your forgiveness is essential for them to keep pushing your boundaries and being able to do whatever they want.
While you suffer.
