If it wasn’t terrible enough that you have to be shamed in private by your narcissistic mother, it’s quite another feeling of pain to have it happen in public, too.
Sadly, this is the reality of being raised by a narcissistic mom.
She won’t care what you think, or how you feel. Instead, it will be about her and how much drama she can inflict on you.
As a kid, you’re not free from being subjected to this cruel treatment. Here are the subtle ways she will do it.
It’s bad enough having a narcissistic mother behind closed doors…
For those of you who know what it’s like to have a narcissistic mother, you know what it’s like to be the only one who sees it.
Even those with siblings will all have different experiences of her, because you are all treated so differently, and were as kids.
As a kid, you live in a home that is familiar to you, whether that’s toxic or not.
If you’re unfortunate enough to know on reflection that it was in fact toxic, you’ll have all the memories of:
- Your narcissistic mom disregarding your feelings
- Her telling you that your emotions aren’t valid
- Being given the silent treatment for no reason
- Trying to please her all the time just so she can give you that fragment of affection you desperately need
- Feeling as though something big is missing from your life, but you can’t quite explain what that is
- Thinking that all of this is normal because it’s your life and it’s never been any different
Behind closed doors, you know the real person. When she is out in public, that’s when things can become so much worse.
They mock appearances
A common thread that I’ve heard over the years is when narcissistic mothers take their kids shopping for clothes or shoes.
You’re in the store, and you find something you like, but they tell you no.
It’s not suitable for you.
That would drain the color of your face.
I don’t think you’re quite physically ready for that yet.
You look like an oompa loompa!
Do you actually think you look good in that?
How much longer are you going to wear your hair like that? .
There’s no raised voices, the talk is quiet, but you hear it over the store’s music.
You hear it as you look into the mirror at something you thought you liked, but now hate.
You just want to get out of the store and run home, but you can’t because you need new clothes.
Those who have their appearance mocked like this will grow up hating the way they look, and will be very insecure. This is where it stems from.
Back-handed compliments
I’m surprised somebody like you would pick that kind of lunch. It’s very sophisticated.
Oh yes, she’s finally passed her driving test. It shocked me as well!
You know what kids are like, they seem to fall into these opportunities while stumbling along doing nothing at all.
It’s nice that you’ve got a little job to earn money, but it’s a shame you spend it all on boring books.
The amount of backhanded compliments I could write would fill an entire book, and I’m sure you could add your experiences to the list, too.
Just when you think your narcissistic mom is saying something nice about you, they go ahead and make it one of the worst things you’ve heard.
It’s as if she can’t help but shame you whenever she gets the chance, and it goes back to the age old rule of being a narcissist:
Give a little, take a lot..
Comparisons to others
Look at that little girl sitting nicely at the table and look how happy her mommy looks!
It must be graduation day, look at all those bigger kids in gowns! I hope that will be you someday, making mommy proud.
None of it has to be said with any anger, but what you will often find is narcissistic moms looking for any opportunity to show their kid up in public and make them feel guilt or shame for absolutely no reason.
You could be having a fantastic day then brutally reminded that you don’t quite measure up to her standards, and that’s all it takes to ruin it and make you feel sad.
The comparison game is one of the worst, as it leaves deep scars that are hard to ignore.
When your mom is too preoccupied with what others are doing and achieving to see the beauty and magic of her own kids, you know there’s a serious problem.
Exposing private struggles
I know how hard it is for you to look in the mirror at yourself, but we really need to get a dress for Uncle’s wedding today.
You obviously don’t like talking to people or being in any way sociable, but if you could at least pretend when we bump into people I know, that’d be great.
This is my son! Yes, he’s still wondering what to do with his life. I call him my little lost wanderer!
What a way to shame the person she herself has made you. You want to just go out and do what you need to do, and being in public with her has always been difficult, but this is hard.
Your private struggles should be just for you to know, and not the whole world.
Mom makes it everybody’s business though!
Beyond it being an embarrassing situation, it’s also disrespectful to you; the kid who doesn’t understand why your mom could be so cruel.
It teaches you that your boundaries don’t matter, and that she’d rather gain sympathy for your issues rather than just keep them to herself and help you through them.
That seems so unfair, doesn’t it?
Playful humiliation
Any chance your narcissistic mom gets to playfully humiliate you in public, she will use it and pass it all off as jokes.
Jokes are supposed to be funny and playful, but you should never become the toy that she uses to make light of in public.
You are a person with feelings, and when you were a kid, those feelings were still being figured out.
Anybody can make a joke and pass it off as an attempt to just be funny, but in reality, parents should never be doing that to cause pain.
What’s the point in even having kids if you’re just going to abuse them?
Shame is a heavy load to walk with, and it makes you feel like nobody has your back, or wants the best for you.
Narcissistic moms teach their kids that they don’t matter, and that travels with them all through life, like a huge trigger.
Subtlety still hurts
As subtly abusive as narcissistic moms can be in public, it still hurts a great deal to be on the receiving end of it.
Abuse doesn’t have to be overt for it to leave a scar, and even the most covert abuse can and will alter a child’s perception of themselves and the world.
I feel for you if you were raised by a narcissistic mom. Knowing the one person who should’ve had your back did not is one of the world’s worst injustices.
