I get it. Red flags aren’t supposed to be subtle, but some are more difficult to spot.
I want you to picture the most subtle ones you can think of visually in your mind. If so much charm was in front of them, would you even notice them at all?
The danger is that you wouldn’t.
The most subtle red flag happens to be here, and it’s actually been in your hands all this time.
Subtle, yet so obvious if you know
I love speaking to people who have recovered from the narcissists they knew because they always talk about red flags.
I even hear the odd quip about this subtle one, because at the time, they just didn’t see it.
And to be clear, it’s a statement. I want you all on board with me because I know the statement is one you will all relate to, and feel qualified to say to them if you’re still in your relationship.
If you aren’t, I would hedge a strong bet you asked it and got some kind of response that confirmed they were a narcissist.
You saw the subtle red flag that exposed them.
If you know, you know. If you don’t, you’re about to.
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Now you tell them this…
It’s time for the statement, are you ready?…
“You really hurt me.”
Four words that mean very little when not strung together this way, but when they are, man, you’re opening your world up to the truth.
All you’ve got to do is let them know that in some way, they hurt you.
And I’ll be transparent here when I say it’s very possible you could probably say this most days during your time with them.
As much as I don’t like to admit it, they hurt that much.
So use the phrase in whatever scenario suits you and your relationship, and tell the narcissist this is what’s going down in your world right now.
Sit back and watch the show
It is a little bit like putting a new show on that you are really keen to find out the ending to.
You’ve seen the cast, you’ve read the reviews, and you’re ready to press play. Only this show is live, and you don’t know what will follow.
I can promise you one thing, though. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, telling them that they hurt you will expose them every single time.
It has to be the phrase that changes the course of your relationship, after all, not many people find they can cope in their relationships once they realize they’re living with a narcissist.
As you know, you quickly learn about the personality disorder and piece your pieces together.
A healthy person will…
Before we get to the narcissistic responses, let’s think for a moment about what you should be getting in return.
What? Oh my God, that’s really sad to hear. I am so sorry you aren’t happy.
What’s on your mind?
Do you want to talk?
I’m here for you.
I love you, and I want to get to the bottom of your worries.
Please tell me what I did so I know not to do it again.
I want to fix this, you mean the world to me.
I’m here for you.
All words you will hear, but with authentic remorse behind them, I think you’ll agree.
If a healthy person is listening to you and hearing that they hurt you, they will feel terrible, and want to sort it out and make sure you’re okay.
Their heart will want to lean into what’s causing you upset and pain, because they love you and care about you.
These are good traits to find in a person. Nobody wants to hurt the pens they love, right?
A narcissist is going to…
If I told you that you’d better take cover after you’ve told them they hurt you, I really mean it.
From fireworks to silence, it’s all possible, depending on what mood they’re in, and how interested they are in developing the outcome of the conversation to suit their needs.
Silence does work. They will punish you for having the courage to approach them and be as honest as you are.
And sometimes honesty can feel a little prickly to the ear, but that’s because it involves the person listening to make some kind of change or apology.
Eventually it’ll just be that you don’t speak up, because that’s what you’ve learned keeps the peace. But that doesn’t take your pain away, does it?
On the flip side of that, you can also expect complete and utter denial.
What on earth are you talking about?
I do nothing but love and support you!
Here you go again imagining things!
I am a supportive partner. You want for nothing!
Suddenly, you’re saying sorry for them hurting you, and it doesn’t make any sense!
You could also get the blame back at you.
If it weren’t for you acting so needy all the time, I wouldn’t snap.
You’re the one who hurts me, and I never utter a word to you!
Suddenly, the game turns on its head as their projection takes hold.
All of these acts expose a narcissist without you even digging deep to find out.
That’s how you’ll find out!
You’ve got to be aware
I think it’s important to be aware of all red flags, but when they’re more subtle, it’s even more crucial to have your eyes open.
Those little signs that somebody is a narcissist could be evading your consciousness every single day, and as they do, you just breeze on ahead with your day oblivious to who you’re spending time with.
If you ever get to a point where you need to speak up about hurtful behavior, and trust me, I have heard accounts in the past, the other person needs to listen and feel remorse.
If they don’t, you’re totally dealing with a narcissist – even friends!
I can think of two separate occasions where I have heard of people saying this phrase to their friends.
The first ‘friend’ blocked her on all platforms and never spoke to her again, and the second did the same, but called her a name first.
Both people in question felt hurt, I mean, why wouldn’t you? You think you’re doing a good thing in trying to be honest with somebody you care about, but it backfires.
Only sometimes it’s good to see it backfire. That’s when you really know you’ve got somebody in your life who isn’t right for you, and who is evidently on a mission to use and abuse you.
The moment you step back and say, “This isn’t fair or right, you’ve hurt me,” you’ll get the truth in return. That truth should do you a favor.
At least knowing you’ve exposed a narcissist should help you gain distance from them instead of letting them treat you terribly.
So – being aware. It makes all the difference. It will help you understand narcissistic behavior. It will seek to empower you when you need it the most.
