Have you ever wondered why narcissists seem to have a knack for causing you pain? 

Well, the answer isn’t really as complex as you might think. In fact, there’s a straightforward and rather eye-opening reason behind their hurtful behavior that’s frequently overlooked.

They hurt you through choice, and I want you to remember that theme as you work through every word I’m about to give you.

It’s time to stop forgiving the narcissist and excusing their cruelty.

The First Impression

The fairytale begins…

You’re meet cute is their charm, and the hope that you’ve finally found the person you were destined to enjoy every remaining memory with. 

The change in how that relationship unfolds after the charm was worn off, has nothing to do with you. You’ve done nothing wrong. 

You were just a part of the plan that is, well, going to plan.

First impressions with narcissists lead their victims onto a path unknown. It looks normal at first, and as you walk it together, you discover that you quite like it.

It’s only when the narcissist guides you down a side path, you realize you have been blindsided. 

Pain – Why?!

I don’t know anybody with a healthy emotional regulatory system that would intentionally want to cause another person any kind of pain.

I mean – it’s just not something we do – why would we?!

Pain results in somebody feeling hurt, whether you or I. No amount of genuine care would possibly warrant that kind of consequence…

…Yet it’s how narcissists thrive. It’s how they live and breathe each day. 

You might be completely puzzled, wondering why on earth they bothered telling you they loved you or spent all that time being nice, only to suddenly and brutally turn the tide on you. 

If They Can Hurt – What Does it Mean For Them?

I like to strongly frame this to others when they come to me wondering why narcissists could do such a thing.

If they can willingly and knowingly hurt, then what does that tell you about them?

I’ll break it down a little for you here.

• Narcissists are already in pain when they meet you. Yes, they hide it extremely well, but they need you to make them feel better. And you need somebody like them to help or fix because that’s where you know your worth. 

• Narcissists don’t have a very high opinion of themselves at all. They only know what they’ve been taught, and that’s usually one of two things. Either they were taught they don’t matter, so now they’ve got to prove to themselves and everybody else that they do. Or… As children, they were told to give nothing less that 100% in everything they do. Thus – the perfectionist was created.

• They have no shame, because they have no real feelings. They aren;t interested in your pain, because it doesn’t affect them.

• They hate intimacy. Listen, if they can hurt you, it means you felt they were worth something in the first place, right? Narcissists got you to that point by faking love and romance. But ask them to authentically feel those emotions, and you’ll be majorly disappointed!

The Real Reason Why Narcissists Have Hurt You…

So, if you haven’t already guessed it by now… The simple reason why narcissists have hurt you in the past is because… 

Their lack of empathy is severely compromised by their inability to feel.

I know. It’s probably something you already had a little idea of. This is about unpacking that, and making yourself completely aware of how damaging they are. 

If you look at the typical narcissistic relationship, it isn’t unusual to see a real back and forth between being together, and separating. 

They’re so good at luring you in and spitting you out tie and time again, that it soon becomes ‘normal.’

Hurt only comes from when you had something worth hurting to start with, and that’s why love-bombing is so successful with narcissists. If they can make you think they love you, you will assume there’s something ‘to lose’ when the two of you hit the rocks. 

You’re the good person in this, remember that.

The Good Person

Don’t ever, ever punish yourself for being a good person. It is not a crime, it is in fact, a rarity. Your goodness is seen as a threat to them because you will always be ‘the good guy’ in any given moment.

If they cannot trump your goodness, or take it away, they’re going to be in trouble.

So what do they do?

They hurt you. They cause you pain. They make you feel like your good is a problem. 

And over time, as you start to believe them because of the manipulation that accompanies their efforts, your goodness fades.

You don’t become ‘horrible or toxic’ too – but you just let your good nature be buried. You allow it to not be seen any more.

Being Loved

I know that ultimately, you just want to be loved by somebody whom you love. When you think you’ve found that person, it’s hard to see it for what it really is – abusive. 

Instead, you keep hoping and waiting for them to change, so they can see what they’re missing out on.

You.

You’re willing to do anything to make it work, and make as many sacrifices as you can. You love the thought of creating peace and harmony where there seems to be a recurrence of pain and hurt.

The narcissist’s lack of empathy equates to:

• You never feeling truly seen or heard in your relationship.
• You try to talk about problems you’re going through with them, only to feel dismissed or neglected.
• They don’t care if you are sad, and will respond to you by continuing to manipulate and make you feel ‘less than.’
• They will walk all over you, with no care or concern for your boundaries, beliefs, sense of reality or self-esteem. 

Narcissists can’t feel. 

I need you to understand that.

It’s never going to change, nor is it ever going to get better.

In The Moment

I know how easy it is just to forgive. You want to stay in the relationship because you feel something within it is worth saving. 

This kind of feeling usually stems from the attachment you form when you meet the narcissist. When they tell you that you are the ‘only person in the world who can make them feel this way,’ it’s like handing you a heavy responsibility to maintain that.

So what do you do?

You do everything you can in your power to keep it alive, while they do everything in their power to hurt you.