Have you ever wondered why narcissists seem to have a knack for causing you pain? 

Well, the answer isn’t really as complex as you might think. In fact, there’s a straightforward and rather eye-opening reason behind their hurtful behavior that’s frequently overlooked.

They hurt you through choice, and I want you to remember that theme as you work through every word I’m about to give you.

It’s time to stop forgiving the narcissist and excusing their cruelty.

The First Impression

The fairytale begins…

You’re meet cute is their charm, and the hope that you’ve finally found the person you were destined to enjoy every remaining memory with. 

The change in how that relationship unfolds after the charm was worn off, has nothing to do with you. You’ve done nothing wrong. 

You were just a part of the plan that is, well, going to plan.

First impressions with narcissists lead their victims onto a path unknown. It looks normal at first, and as you walk it together, you discover that you quite like it.

It’s only when the narcissist guides you down a side path, you realize you have been blindsided. 

Pain – Why?!

I don’t know anybody with a healthy emotional regulatory system that would intentionally want to cause another person any kind of pain.

I mean – it’s just not something we do – why would we?!

Pain results in somebody feeling hurt, whether you or I. No amount of genuine care would possibly warrant that kind of consequence…

…Yet it’s how narcissists thrive. It’s how they live and breathe each day. 

You might be completely puzzled, wondering why on earth they bothered telling you they loved you or spent all that time being nice, only to suddenly and brutally turn the tide on you.

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If They Can Hurt – What Does it Mean For Them?

I like to strongly frame this to others when they come to me wondering why narcissists could do such a thing.

If they can willingly and knowingly hurt, then what does that tell you about them?

I’ll break it down a little for you here.

Narcissists are already in pain when they meet you.

Yes, they hide it extremely well, but they need you to make them feel better. And you need somebody like them to help or fix because that’s where you know your worth. 

Narcissists don’t have a very high opinion of themselves at all.

They only know what they’ve been taught, and that’s usually one of two things.

Either they were taught they don’t matter, so now they’ve got to prove to themselves and everybody else that they do.

Or… As children, they were told to give nothing less that 100% in everything they do. Thus – the perfectionist was created.

They have no shame

Because they have no real feelings. They aren;t interested in your pain, because it doesn’t affect them.

They hate intimacy.

Listen, if they can hurt you, it means you felt they were worth something in the first place, right?

Narcissists got you to that point by faking love and romance. But ask them to authentically feel those emotions, and you’ll be majorly disappointed!

The Real Reason Why Narcissists Have Hurt You…

So, if you haven’t already guessed it by now… The simple reason why narcissists have hurt you in the past is because… 

Their lack of empathy is severely compromised by their inability to feel.

I know. It’s probably something you already had a little idea of. This is about unpacking that, and making yourself completely aware of how damaging they are. 

If you look at the typical narcissistic relationship, it isn’t unusual to see a real back and forth between being together, and separating. 

They’re so good at luring you in and spitting you out tie and time again, that it soon becomes ‘normal.’

Hurt only comes from when you had something worth hurting to start with, and that’s why love-bombing is so successful with narcissists.

If they can make you think they love you, you will assume there’s something ‘to lose’ when the two of you hit the rocks. 

You’re the good person in this, remember that.

The Good Person

Don’t ever, ever punish yourself for being a good person. It is not a crime, it is in fact, a rarity. Your goodness is seen as a threat to them because you will always be ‘the good guy’ in any given moment.

If they cannot trump your goodness, or take it away, they’re going to be in trouble.

So what do they do?

They hurt you. They cause you pain. They make you feel like your good is a problem. 

And over time, as you start to believe them because of the manipulation that accompanies their efforts, your goodness fades.

You don’t become ‘horrible or toxic’ too – but you just let your good nature be buried. You allow it to not be seen any more.

Being Loved

I know that ultimately, you just want to be loved by somebody whom you love. When you think you’ve found that person, it’s hard to see it for what it really is – abusive. 

Instead, you keep hoping and waiting for them to change, so they can see what they’re missing out on.

You.

You’re willing to do anything to make it work, and make as many sacrifices as you can. You love the thought of creating peace and harmony where there seems to be a recurrence of pain and hurt.

The narcissist’s lack of empathy equates to:

• You never feeling truly seen or heard in your relationship.
• You try to talk about problems you’re going through with them, only to feel dismissed or neglected.
• They don’t care if you are sad, and will respond to you by continuing to manipulate and make you feel ‘less than.’
• They will walk all over you, with no care or concern for your boundaries, beliefs, sense of reality or self-esteem. 

Narcissists can’t feel. 

I need you to understand that.

It’s never going to change, nor is it ever going to get better.

In The Moment

I know how easy it is just to forgive. You want to stay in the relationship because you feel something within it is worth saving. 

This kind of feeling usually stems from the attachment you form when you meet the narcissist.

When they tell you that you are the ‘only person in the world who can make them feel this way,’ it’s like handing you a heavy responsibility to maintain that.

So what do you do?

You do everything you can in your power to keep it alive, while they do everything in their power to hurt you.

5 Fears Narcissists Hide From You

Before we get started, I want you to know that narcissists don’t walk around openly fearing everything.

If they did – they wouldn’t be able to live with themselves.

A big ‘however’ coming up…

However…

Narcissists still fear. They fear, and they loathe, and they hide it all.

Why do they hide it all, Alexander?

Okay. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about narcissists, it’s that they have to hide what they cannot allow anybody to see.

Let me explain a little more deeply…

Narcissists on the Outside

There is a huge bubble of ego around the outside of the narcissist. This ego appears unbreakable but weaker than it looks by far. 

Once you get past that bubble, you’ll see a person living in constant fear. Hard to believe when they’re so tough and full of bravado on the outside, I know.

The trouble is, they’re even more terrified than you could ever imagine, and it’s all because they can’t stand showing it to the world.

They don’t want to, and they won’t. 

As Fragile as Can Be

The fragility of a narcissist is never up for debate. It’s there, and it holds onto their fears far more than you’d imagine.

Narcissists feel shame surrounding their fears, which to me just seems incomprehensible. It’s human nature to be scared sometimes, or to fear something huge happening in your life.

People can be known to sidestep something, just so they don’t have to face their fears.

Narcissists won’t admit what they fear secretly, so you never know when they’re doing that sidestepping. 

Why Hide?

Well, simply put, it’s better to hide and pretend to be strong than to expose and reveal weakness. 

The narcissist lives by their sword, and will die by their sword. Expect nothing else. 

The Fears of the Narcissist – 5 Fears They Hide From You

Buckle up – because these fears are all designed to expose the narcissist’s real character.

#1 Failure

Narcissists hate failure. They hate failing, and they hate you failing.

Failing to please them.

Failing to give them any attention.

Failing an exam.

They will remind you of your failures for a long time because they love you to know that you can’t do it all and aren’t perfect like them. 

When a narcissist fails – it’s the end of the world. You know, sometimes they do. They don’t get the job they wanted, or they don’t pass that test. 

They will act like it doesn’t matter, or that it was the fault of the person interviewing or testing them, but in reality, they’re terrified.

They fear why they lost, and the idea that they didn’t do or say something right in order to get over that line of success.

They fear it so badly because they fear not appearing or being good enough. It’s why they constantly overcompensate by always trying to be the best of the best.

If everybody sees that version of them, nobody would be able to get close to those inner fears, right?

#2 Being Outed as a Narcissist

Being outed as a narcissist is a huge fear for them. 

I want to start by saying that there will always be a way out for them. If they’re accused of the very thing they are, they will blame you, smear your name to others; punish you in as many ways as possible. 

Denial is their middle name.

However…

…Everything changes for the narcissist as soon as you figure out the person they truly are. When you uncover their moods and begin to stand up to their unforgiving behavior, you are letting them know one thing:

You know. And nothing is going to be the same from now on.

What does that look like to the narcissist?

Well, nothing being the same means the narcissist can no longer manipulate you.

They were used to pushing and pulling you like the tide. Their control over you became something you begrudged them over time, but it was something you learned to silently accept. 

I’ve lost count of the amount of people who have told me that as soon as they outed the narcissist in their life, nothing was the same again.

The narcissist fears this. They have a unique system, and the supply they need from others is drawn from certain people at certain times. It’s how they function, and they get used to that. 

Their fear is having all of that stripped from them. They fear that dynamics will shift because they don’t know where or how they’ll be able to replace it.

#3 Rejection

Narcissists live the kind of life that you would assume has zero room for fear. They exude confidence (too much most of the time).

They love to show off and brag about what they have, where they’re going on vacation, how much this or that cost…

Narcissists love to be accepted. They want to feel part of something so that eventually, they can dominate. If they can get a foot in the door, the rest is history.

Rejection does happen to narcissists. When it does, you see a side of them that you never thought you’d see. They can cover up their fear with anger, or rage, or even laugh it off like it means nothing.

Only you, the narcissist expert, can tell something has annoyed them. 

The fear of rejection comes from the innate entitlement that they must have everything.

They have to succeed, they have to be loved and admired by everybody, and nobody can let them down or reject them.

If they do, it will only fuel their inner fires of insecurity—and believe me, that fire is huge. 

#4 Losing

If a narcissist loses, you will see a spoiled child appear before you. They can throw tantrums, they can go off sulking, they can ignore you. 

When they do, it isn’t because they are simply’ a little immature.’ It’s so much more.

This is about their perfect image being shattered, especially in front of others. They may be getting laughed at or mocked when usually they do it to everybody else. 

When the shoe is on the other foot, they fear that the perfection they portray will be seen as nothing but an illusion. 

#5 You Leaving

If you leave, what does that tell the narcissist?

It tells you that you’re strong enough to walk away. It gives the message that you refuse to be caught up in this cycle of abuse a moment longer. It also tells them that you don’t want to be with them.

And that?

Well, that is seen as a huge worry for them. They almost fear your lack of supply as much as you being okay without them. If the one person who said they loved them doesn’t need them, then what hope is there?

Of course, they will never tell you they fear you leaving. The bravado will paint quite the opposite picture.

But when you do … you’ll know about it. 

What Eventually Happens To Narcissists?

How Does it End For Narcissists?

Narcissists are like a really painful, long book that you have to read to understand. They don’t come with an index or bullet points. If they did, half their toxicity would fall through the cracks.

Sadly, people like you or I must experience them fully before we know each trick.

If I can offer you one fragment of light at the end of this treacherous tunnel – it’s this:

What happens to narcissists is an ending that you’re going to want to hang on for.

Let’s get into it.

“Look At Them!”

It’s enough to make you sick, isn’t it?

They live their merry little lives, seemingly getting away with anything and everything, making you want to scream from the rooftops.

Yes – it’s unfair. 

You wish they would just crumble and fall down, so you could finally see them suffer as much as they made you suffer. 

You want what happens to them to be detrimental to everything they pretend to be. 

Does The Tide Ever Turn?

What do you think? I mean, I want to be able to tell you that they do indeed turn honestly.

I also know and appreciate how it really doesn’t feel that way at the time. Constantly waiting for them to taste their own medicine can feel like waiting for rain in a drought.

But I am here to say that, yes, eventually, that rain will come.

And it will feel amazing.

The Beauty of Karma

I don’t like to meddle with Karma. Instead, I trust that everything will work exactly how it should.

Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. The circle of life appreciates both good and bad happenings, and I am certain that includes narcissists and how they treat others. 

Karma doesn’t need you stepping in and taking over, so if you ever try to gain justice from a situation involving a narcissist, you’re likely to lose. 

Rather than that – it’s nothing but a waiting game. 

But a game you’ll definitely not want to quit.

How Does It End For Them?

No narcissist has a really happy ending. 

Ultimately, they go home alone every day, even if they go home to somebody. 

Narcissists always want to be part of something, yet never feel part of anything. It’s all empty. It’s all meaningless. They don’t have layers to them or an ounce of appreciation for their family or friends. 

That alone should tell you how it ends for every narcissist. 

They’re nothing but lonely people craving some kind of something. 

That is something they never end up getting.

#1 The Slipping of the Mask

You may have to wait a while, but the mask of a narcissist will always, I repeat, always slip off.

I know you think it can’t happen soon enough, and many of you will be screaming for it to be today—but it doesn’t work that way.

In fact, the more you try to rush the mask’s slipping, the crazier you will look.

If you want to allow their true selves to unfold naturally, you’ll have to wait for the day.

#2 Inability to Keep Up With Their Lies

We all know that lying can lead to serious trouble. Not only do you have to remember this, but you may also have to build potential lies around it so they make sense. 

Narcissists are great at lying, but they can do it so frequently that they fail to recall them all.

When you see a narcissist caught in a lie trap, they will fluff and fumble their way out as best they can with the charm they were born with. 

I want to remind you, though – the lies do catch up with them eventually.

Lies catch up with everybody. 

#3 One Small Mistake

This is all it takes, believe me. One tiny little slip up to get people talking is all it takes. 

I once knew a narcissist professionally who never took any accountability for his mistakes.

He used to cover up all his mistakes, blaming others or deleting evidence that he was responsible. 

One day, he was caught in the act. He had no defense, and even though he got really angry and tried to blame somebody else, it was clear he was to blame. 

His mistake was leaving his work pass in the room where he shredded all the information he wanted to discard. 

It’s all it took for the dominos to all fall down, and for the past to come together like a jigsaw puzzle. People saw what he was like, and nobody trusted him again. 

#4 Time Will Tell

You’re all familiar with the saying, ‘Time will heal.’ It helps if you are going through hard times or have lost somebody close to you. 

Time also heals your own heart as it allows narcissists to be revealed for who they really are.

As much as it will cause chaos, it will be healing to be validated by the entire event. 

It’s how so many victims breathe a sigh of relief and say, “Thank goodness everybody can now see them for who they truly are.”

Time will give you that. You just have to wait for it. 

#5 They Won’t Hesitate To Move!

Narcissists are renowned for moving. 

To start again, if things get too heated where they live,

Looking for work in a new city or town for a ‘fresh start.’

Usually, when they run everybody else down or play them all in their games, they run out of people.

They run out of supply.

So what do they do?

They run away.

It won’t end there, though. Moving anywhere new only restarts the whole process.

Narcissists, for that reason, never really admit to having somewhere to call home.

#6 New Friends

Of course, moving anywhere means starting up a new friendship circle. People will mingle and meet with everybody, as all new people are considered to be fresh pawns in their game. 

Friends end up being enemies before long…

In The End

You can wait and wait, but eventually, the narcissist will get their comeuppance.

In one way or another, whether being found out, having their mask slip, or having to keep bouncing from town to city to stay relevant or liked.

Please allow that to be the justice you need, because it is.

Narcissists will always be miserable. They hate being stuck or figured out, so they must constantly work out their plan to keep their true selves a secret.

Isn’t that the end you want to hear about?

I know it is for me.