Do you always think of people who start fights as troublemakers? They actually are, but not the same kind of trouble you might find in the street from time to time.
Narcissists are known for their aggression, but more than that, they’re known to covertly slide trouble your way and start a fight even with a smile painted on their face.
And it leaves you no chance – unless you get yourself clued up.
Which is why I invite you here today!
Fights Suck
Fights indeed, suck. And so do narcissists. It’s crazy to me how they manage to do it, but they do.
You enter something you think is true and loyal, and they go ahead and wear you down by starting fights.
And it feels like everyday something new is happening.
If you think it’s exhausting, wait until you hear why.
They’re Bored
I’m afraid it can be as simple as the narcissist being bored.
Bored of what, I hear you ask.
You know, it’s funny when I try to write it all down, because seeing it in black and white only heightens the complete craziness of it all, but here goes…
Narcissists get bored when everything in life is peaceful.
Nobody is falling out, there’s no gossip, no tears, no drama, no fallout, no unpaid bills, no empty food cupboards – everything is just right.
If your life was a pleasant, not-too-hot, not-too-cold, sunny day – the narcissist is the proverbial storm on the horizon.
Because peace to most, is boring to them.
You Seem Too Happy
Congratulations on your new job.
Well done on sealing that promotion.
You have a week off work where you can finally get away for a few days!
Oh no. The narcissist isn’t having any of that.
Toleration for your happiness doesn’t have an ounce of fuel to it, and so you can bet there’s going to be a problem.
I had a client once who said her husband used to tip the milk down the sink and then complain to her that she forgot to pick some up on the way home from work.
She was convinced that she actually did forget until the day she caught him doing the tipping. You know what he said?
Oh, it smelled funny. I didn’t want you to drink any.
The milk did not smell funny. He was emptying it so he had something to yell at her for.
And it was only on the days she went to the gym before work because she really enjoyed exercising, and it made her feel great.
Coincidence? Absolutely not.
An Event is Coming Up
Sadly, this is the reason I hear the most from clients I have had all through my career.
I want to talk about one in particular, and I will call her Jane.
When Jane was little, her and her brothers would go on trips with their parents.
In the days leading up to the trip, Jane’s father would take on more work and keep himself busy. This used to frustrate her mom, who had to deal with all the pre-trip preparations.
Inevitably, this would cause conflict that Jane’s mom always got the blame for, and over many years growing up, Jane learned to dread events.
She never understood why until her past was unpicked with a fine tooth comb, and it suddenly all made sense.
Narcissists see events as opportunities to bring attention back to them.
And yeah, it’s very emotionally dysregulated of a person to do this, but it’s their way of sabotaging the event in favor of making them the center of it all – for all the wrong reasons
They Feel Good Doing it
If it makes you unhappy, then it’s guaranteed to bring a smile (or smirk) to their face.
I hate to even say it because it’s just so toxic and deranged – but a fight will bring out the best in them.
What kind of person likes to fight? What does it mean for them and their character? It proves they are so far beyond help, if that’s any consolation.
They will do whatever it takes to work you into a pit of misery, and if that means yelling at you or provoking you until you snap, then that means they know they’ve got to you.
And they love knowing they have that kind of power.
Avoiding Accountability
What’s really going on here?
The fight they started might be bringing all the noise, and all the attention to the table. But what for?
Looking behind the scenes often reveals another layer of the total weirdness of the narcissist.
Something they’ve avoided taking accountability for is lurking in the shadows, and they don’t want you to spot it.
Is it that they promised you something they didn’t follow through with?
Perhaps they spread gossip about you or somebody you know, and you don’t want them to notice or zone in on it.
They’re panicking, and the only solution is to look at you and realize they’re at the mercy of you and your morals.
So they divert you away from whatever they’ve done wrong by being loud and pointing fingers.
It’s a common way to avoid holding their hands up and taking the blame.
They’d rather see you suffer, for no reason other than their own evilness.
Have Your Boundaries Been Tested Lately?
And what did you do if they were? Did you sit back and allow them to be walked all over as usual, or did you fight for them?
Did they stay in place, and did you push the narcissist away by sticking to your values regardless of whether or not it would please them?
Boundaries are the foundation of your survival around a narcissist, and all behavior and reaction depends on how strongly you keep them.
If you’re looking to be strong, be prepared for some kind of fight.
You’re pulling them out of what they deem familiar, and whether or not they will admit it, they’re going to be a little scared of this new version of you.
Confusing You
What other reason could there be, when all else fails?
Narcissists can just feel like confusing you. Catching you off-guard when you’re having the most pleasant and joyous day.
It’s the unpredictability of any narcissistic relationship that sends victims into a feeling of despair.
One minute everything is okay, and the next there is conflict for no reason.
Did you not remember I was out tonight?
Why didn’t you pick up any dinner on the way home like I asked?
Did you leave the oven on all night? You were the last one in the kitchen.
And because they can make you lose yourself that little bit more, they will.
