A narcissist’s true colors are kept well hidden when they are in public. Surrounded by other people, they will act accordingly; on their best behavior. They smile and laugh, they compliment, they listen.
As charming as all that might be to those looking in, it’s a case of Jekyll and Hyde for you.
You’re seeing a version of them that is based on pretence; a performance so convincing that even you question what goes on behind closed doors.
The real narcissist will appear when you are alone together. It’s unsettling, and we need to talk about it.
#1 You’re out…and the show starts
Being out with a narcissist is like being forced to go and see a show you don’t want to see, with tickets you didn’t want to spend money on.
You’re in public, and people are everywhere. You observe the narcissist, not wanting to allow your confusion to appear so obvious.
They’re the center of attention, which is right where all narcissists want to be. You notice how effortless it is for them to strike up conversation with those around them, and how warmly receptive they are to the company of others.
At times like this, it’s painfully obvious to see just how much of a good character narcissists paint themselves to be, with their personality acting like a magnet.
How could there possibly be a problem with this person?
Well, you know there is, and while you might smile to yourself initially at how hypnotizing the narcissist is in public, when you’re alone together, you get the complete different version of them, and it is incredibly unsettling.
#2 The performance lasts as long as the people performing to
One by one, the people the narcissist performs for will go home, and soon enough, you’ll be left with nothing but their toxic personality for company — just the two of you.
When you first get to know them, you might think how nice it is that it’s only you and them now. You might have a kiss and a cuddle, or talk about the evening that just flew past…
…You assume that just because you’ve seen them happy and content all night, that it will continue now everybody else has disappeared.
How wrong you were.
Within seconds, the narcissist’s mask can drop, revealing who they really are, and it will be hard to hide your shock.
The smile fades to a frown. The laughter dissipates, leaving room for only cold, stony silence. The criticism ramps up. The rage boils over. The blame begins.
You barely spoke to me all night.
Your cousin is so self-entitled.
I couldn’t stand it.
I hated pretending to like people.
I saw you flirting.
Why do you treat me like I don’t matter?
Did you think people were interested in what you had to say?
God, I hate small talk.
I’m not doing that again.
They loosen their tie, throw their suit jacket on the floor for you to inevitably pick up, and they start banging and crashing around the house.
It’s at this moment, any victim witnessing the crumbling of the mask will begin to feel as though they’ve done something wrong. And yes, commonly, that question is asked, which only opens the floodgates for the narcissist to blame you for whatever they can conjure up.
#3 Seeing the real narcissist
It’s like watching a completely different person, isn’t it? From charm to harm, the narcissist feels comfortable being their true self around you only when it’s just the two of you because you really have no way of proving them to be toxic. Imagine telling your friends or family that this is what you experience, only for them to be familiar with nothing but the nice version.
Really?
Maybe they were just tired.
Well, it was a long night…
People are stressed right now.
Give them some space.
Excuses made, and you have nowhere to go from there. You see the real narcissist, and it’s not pleasant. But I ask you to consider this: If they really were stressed or tired, how can they be so nice to everybody else, yet so mean to you?
I’ll give you the answer bluntly:
It’s because abusive people are in control of their moods, and will be nice when it benefits them.
Putting on a performance involves pretending to be somebody that you’re not. If you want people to think highly of you, you will do and say all the right things to manipulate the moment. This is exactly what narcissists do, and they have perfected it over time. I know it’s not good news for the people who have to deal with it, after all, all you want is consistency and loyalty, not more drama.
#4 Unsettling? For many reasons
Narcissistic abuse is designed solely for the narcissist to promote how much they love control, and will do anything to gain it. Abusing and manipulating you benefits them greatly, and that’s how they run their game.
This is unsettling for so many reasons, the first being how lonely and isolated it can make you. With nobody around to witness this version of them, you’re left wondering if you’re imagining it. You’re left to deal with it, put up with it, and carry that weight heavily.
You walk on eggshells, never really learning to enjoy those nights out because you know the person behind the performance. You know the car ride home will be hell, as they unleash all those pent up emotions onto you.
You anticipate, wait, predict.
This invokes an anxiety in you that you weren’t innately born with, and it’s hard to then see a way to live without doing those things in any given situation.
Is it me?
Am I to blame?
Did I do something wrong?
Nobody will understand if I try to tell them.
I hate this.
It drains you, and you’re left with nothing because the narcissist has sapped you of all joy and energy. Over time, you’re left a shell of who you used to be. Just when you thought you’d found somebody amazing, you realize that you too, fell for the performance when you met them.
Now you go home and see who they really are, and you have to learn to deal with those personalities switching on and off like a light switch. It takes all you have to keep up with them.
#5 The real narcissist — where you go next
That’s up to you, but let me make it clear:
No matter what you do, or how much you think you can fix a narcissist, you will never be able to.
The version of them that you love is the version you’ve created in your head. This isn’t real. It’s who you ideally want them to be, and who you hope they will end up being in the future.
You spend your life waiting, but it’s all for nothing.
It’s time to think about how much longer you’re willing to tolerate their real character.
