I know, I can feel your shock from here.
Narcissists fear?!
They do! They fear a lot. It’s hard to think of such egotistical creatures being scared in general, let alone of particulars, but it’s the case for every single one of them walking this planet.
In fact, there is a greatest fear that they all have in common. Do you want to know what it is?
Good! You’ve come to the right place!
Surprisingly it isn’t…
Don’t bet on what the fear is, because you’ll end up losing vast amounts of cash.
Narcissists don’t fear lack of money the most, or losing you, or losing control.
Don’t get me wrong, these are big worries for them.
They try hard to prevent anything like this from happening, but I don’t want you to assume these are what I have come to talk about today.
What do narcissists thrive on?
It’s clue time! For a moment, I want to get interactive with you.
I want you to think about what narcissists thrive on, and if that’s too generic, think about the narcissist you know.
What really ticks their boxes? What gets them going? What excites them?
It’s the feeling of being loved.
Being admired.
Being the center of attention.
Being the hero.
Being a trusted community member.
Being adored by family and friends.
Being adored even by strangers.
Does that tie in with the toxic person you know? Do they fit all of that criteria?
I’d say we’re getting pretty close, wouldn’t you?
It’s safe to say, their greatest fear is…
The narcissist’s biggest fear is being irrelevant.
That’s right. They fear being so insignificant that people forget who they are, or forget to invite them to that event.
They are petrified of being seen as somebody who can’t make a difference, or who isn’t capable of helping in a situation.
They fear not being needed, which is why they spend all their efforts and energy taking away your independence so they still have a purpose.
This takes me back to a client I once had, who I will call Louise.
Louise’s story
Louise grew up with a narcissistic father. When the time came for her to buy her first house with her partner, it needed a lot of work. He bounded round to their flat one day before the move was complete, and said, “You need me.”
You need me. Those three words will never leave Louise. Her father didn’t ask if there was anything he could do to help, he instead demanded they accept his help and money to get the house in order, even though they could afford to do so themselves.
It was the perfect opportunity for her father to assert himself as a person she needed.
He wanted to be a part of the renovations, and saw his relevance as the only way it would all become complete.
Louise declined her father’s offer, saying she’d got the renovations arranged herself.
This caused huge problems, as he literally lost his temper knowing she was becoming independent and didn’t need him.
That moment was the catalyst for their now estrangement. The more independent she grew, the more she liked it, especially after years of being pulled into his power and control.
She was a grown woman, and capable of making her own choices. In doing that, she took her father’s power away from him.
And what does taking away power do to the narcissist?
#1 It strips away their power
Narcissists are totally powerless if they’re not relevant. If you nudge them down on the list of importances in your life, they will feel it and struggle to react in a regulated manner.
You’ve got to remember one thing here. If you’re not feeding the narcissist, they starve.
They cannot feed themselves. That’s why they love to be in charge. When in charge, they’re more than capable of stealing your energy, and anybody else’s who happens to be nearby.
It’s impossible for them to create that energy for themselves.
#2 It forces them to face themselves
They look from you, to the mirror and immediately think, “What happened?”
It’s easy.
You proved to them in the moment you told them how irrelevant they are that they aren’t as important as they make out to the world to be.
When you do that, you’re forcing them to face reality, not just what they think reality is.
They spend every waking minute curating a life that simply doesn’t exist.
They act like nobody else matters, or even comes close to them in every way.
All it takes is for you to act like the sun doesn’t shine out of their backside for a few minutes for them to get that reality check.
#3 It shows you’ve moved on
You’re not interested in keeping up a happy vibe around the narcissist.
That’s right. You leave the past, and how you treat them, behind.
When a person who is so unable to function without your supply is left feeling like they mean nothing to you any more, they’ve got nowhere to go, and nowhere to turn.
Seeing you move on is the least thing they expected, and for that, a mountain of emotions will rise up in them.
Fear is the largest, and the hardest for them to avoid.
You’ve left them with no choice but to face the ugly fact that they don’t mean everything to everybody all of the time, and they aren’t needed by everybody all of the time, either.
When a person of this much ego is forced to come to terms with that, they struggle.
They will fight for your attention by causing trouble.
They will spread gossip about you to punish you for not needing them.
They will block and ghost you.
They will isolate you from your extended family by telling them that you’re ‘trouble’ or ‘unhinged’ or ‘abusive.’
The victim button will be pressed, and you will no doubt be made to look like the bad guy.
I’m asked why this is the case, and my simple answer is this:
If a narcissist can’t be relevant with you, they need to be relevant to other people as quickly as possible.
Stop reacting and set your boundaries
In order for the narcissist to feel irrelevant, you’ve got to stop treating them like that’s what they are.
Stop reacting. Stop giving your emotions away like candy on Halloween. Stop letting them see you cry, scream or beg.
Stop letting them see how much they bother you.
Setting boundaries will enable you to keep them at an emotional distance, and if they have a problem with that, that’s on them to fix.
Your silence is the ultimate power move
It’s where you will find your sanity, that’s for sure. Fighting with a narcissist will never allow you to win, so stop trying.
Instead, treat them like the people they are, and keep silent when they try to assert their authority.
It isn’t authority, it’s delirium.
