If you see a narcissist out in the world smiling and reeling in attention like it’s tonight’s fish supper, I’ll let you in on a secret…
… It’s all fake.
They aren’t happy. How can somebody who hates themselves as much as they do possibly be happy?!
Nevertheless, they fake, and they’re pretty good at it.
However, there’s one thing that they can’t do, no matter how hard they try.
One thing they really wish they had the ability to do and have. Anybody want to make any guesses?
Let’s see if you’re right by diving in.
What you’ll see them fake
Let’s start with the most obvious; love. Love is faked so well by the narcissist, but only to the eye that isn’t focusing on them.
As soon as you start reading between the lines, you will see the truth, but only if you know what love really is.
It isn’t money, or gifts, or promises. It isn’t a vacation, it isn’t expensive clothes, and it isn’t abuse.
Then there are tears. Oh boy, when it suits the narcissist, they will fake tears to make them look like the victim. “Everybody is ganging up on me!” Wah, wah. Boo, hoo. Look at me, I am so sad.
Remorse is the other thing the narcissist can fake, but only when it fits into their narrative.
If they want you to trust them or pull you back into the fold of manipulation, they will absolutely show remorse so you see a side of them you want to stick around for.
But when you’re in pain?
That’s where everything starts to change, right? You’ve noticed it before, I know you have.
The times you get sick, or when somebody has hurt your feelings – even the narcissist – they show nothing.
All you see is the familiar vacant stare, or you hear the usual bored sigh. There is a dangerous absence of care that goes against how much they tell you they love you.
When you are in pain, they could not care less.
They can’t even bring it to themselves to fake it for your own sake, it’s just not there at all.
Your pain means nothing to them
Think about it. While you’re crying, they’re scrolling their phone looking for the next funny video or comment on social media.
While you say, “I need you,” they say, “Not this again.” They roll their eyes, hoping you’re joking.
They don’t have time to pander to your every need, even though you’re clearly in pain. If it’s nothing to do with them, they won’t want to offer you the time.
They know you’re hurting. They see it. They see you crying and reaching out to them for support, help, advice, sympathy, whatever it may be.
They see it, they just don’t care.
Says a lot, doesn’t it?
Real empathy can’t be copied or faked
Where does that leave you?
It’s the age old thing of being in a room full of people, yet somehow still managing to feel alone.
Empathy comes so easy to you, a person who offers comfort and concern to those who need it without even batting an eyelid.
For the narcissist? They can’t even pretend to care about you.
They don’t know what to say that’s kind or compassionate, so they resort to just ignoring you, or telling you that you need to ‘pull yourself together.’
In truth, real empathy can’t be copied or faked. It’s impossible to pull those kinds of actions out of the character bag because they have to mean something. So while a narcissist will fake a lot, they cannot fake this.
They can fool you, sure
At times, you might be met with some surprising comments from the narcissist, making you think they’re on their way to being able to show empathy when you’re in pain.
I’m sorry.
I never meant to hurt you.
I love you so much.
Please forgive me.
Give me one last chance.
You hear the words, but there are no actions to back them up. You wait and wait, but they never come. Why? Because the narcissist never meant them in the first place.
You can be fooled. And when you’re fooled, you offer a little hope out into the world that you might be met with the support that you need, but in reality, the support is not there. The understanding is not there.
As much as they try, it’s always in the eyes. There’s no light on in them. They are saying what they think you want to hear just so you will shut up and get on with your day.
But empathy? The pausing to listen to you and understand your pain. The desire to want to know what to say or do to help you feel better. The ‘putting themselves in your shoes’ to know how something feels.
It’s not there. It’s instead replaced by a toxic energy that you know is going to be talked about at a later date.
The narcissist loves to take your pain and discuss it with people. They will relay and reiterate:
I told them how sorry I was, and I helped them through it.
But you know the truth. The empathetic energy was missing, and they couldn’t even bring themselves to fake it.
It’s what I like to call a hollow delivery.
The delivery is hollow.
You can’t unsee it
A person who lacks empathy and refuses to acknowledge your pain in a way that would support and validate you cannot be a person you unsee.
They are cruel, and they calculate the many ways in which they feel you simply don’t matter.
It’s a struggle to be able to find where you fit in this kind of dynamic. Do they love you? Do they want you around?
Are you appreciated? Sometimes they act like you are all of those things, but the moment you feel hurt by life (or them), they turn their back on you.
This is no coincidence.
They do it because it isn’t an innate narcissistic personality character trait to want to put somebody before them. As far as the narcissist is concerned, you are not a priority.
You’ll see them comfort others when it suits them. They will lend a shoulder to cry on if there’s something in it for them that will add to the reputation they’re trying to build for themselves.
Oh, they were wonderful. They really listened and helped me.
Did they? Or were they aware that if you thought they were a good person, that would spread like wildfire and they’d be known as some kind of saint?
Behind closed doors, a narcissist won’t care about you or anything that you’re going through.
You’ll keep looking to them, wondering why they don’t seem to want to give your pain the time of day.
Nothing will change.
As much as they try, there’s no authenticity that will come from them, especially seeing as there’s nothing in it for them other than to be decent human, they won’t be interested at all.
You heard it here first. Don’t say I disn’t warn you.
