Psst. Did you want to hear a secret?
Oh, you do?
I actually heard it from the narcissist. They told me that they know something about you, and I really think you should take notice, because, well I’d want to know if it were me.
Okay, great. Now I’ve got your attention, it’s time for you to sit down and hear me out. You’re targeted by the narcissist for a specific reason to hook you in.
Letting you know
The Study
Narcissists make great students. In fact, if they took their ability to absorb information to a school or college, they’d exceed all expectations.
Why? Simply put – they watch everything, and retain even more.
When it comes to you, you’re their school.
Aside from sitting there taking notes, I want you to assume they’re watching you so closely that they don’t miss a single beat.
You meet, and you spend those fluttery, butterfly-like first few weeks getting to know each other, and it feels amazing. You don’t want it to stop, and they make it so easy for you to open up.
It’s like they’re the journalists, handing you the mic so they can listen intently and report back to Narcissism HQ.
Your weaknesses are noted. Your past lovers and why you separated are remembered.
The way you hate it when people give you the silent treatment is stored. You just want to be happy, and you always ensure your partners are happy – very much kept in their minds.
I’m not kidding when I say how poisonous narcissists are, and how your few weeks of oversharing equates to a lifetime of having it all thrown back in your face.
And You Think They Know You
It’s the perfect opportunity for you to believe that the narcissist cares about you. Every question they ask with intent, intrigue and interest feels like another way of wanting to get to know the person they say they’re falling for.
And it seems as though you’re clicking. They may even revert to mirroring. Mirroring can look like:
- Using similar tones of voice to you
- Mimicking your gestures, how your move or touch your face if you talk, or head nods
- Repeating keywords or phrases to make you feel really understood
- Adopting the same posture as you
- Telling you that they feel the same way as you, or have been through what you have been through.
Mirroring feels as though you click. It feels as though you have so much in common, and that you are both peas from the same pod. It’s that feeling of it being you and the narcissist against the world.
It’s a classic tool used to manipulate you, but all you feel is the ‘loving feels.’
In truth, they do know you – but there’s absolutely nothing romantic about it.
The Secret Is…
So here we are, at the point of the topic.
What is that one secret the narcissist knows about you?
Narcissists know exactly what it is you both lack and need in life.
They know what’s missing, and what you crave, because they’ve taken the time to get to know all of you.
Knowing this, they can control the continuation of this lack while maintaining the odd moment of offering a crumb of it your way to keep you hooked and hopeful.
How sick is that?!
It’s what they all do.
A client of mine, I’ll call her Jane, had a sweet tooth, and growing up, her narcissistic father would act as if she didn’t exist.
Except there were the odd occasions he would come home from work with a bag of sweets for her. He’d come in the front door and stand in the doorway, waving and shaking the bag at her like she was a dog.
Jane is now nearly 50 years old, and still has that sweet tooth. She didn’t need the sweets to make her feel loved and happy. It was her father’s love. The sweets covered that feeling though, and she’s now brutally aware that reaching for the sweets means there’s something else going on.
It takes a lot of work to get to that point of self-realization.
And Jane’s father? Well, he knew what he was doing. He didn’t want to give her love or affection, so he let the sweets talk. Over time, that was his language of love and her acceptance of it.
Emotional Intimacy… Not
When you think somebody is all about caring and being close to you, there would be no reason to suspect they would hurt or betray you.
Emotional intimacy is a big part of relationship connections; without it, couples don’t last.
Narcissists know this! Why else would they pretend so hard to love you and be there for you?
All the while you feel like the luckiest person in the world, the narcissist feels like the one who is almost high on their own smugness.
Information is Their Richest Currency
Forget money, forget diamonds and gold – information is what narcissists value the most.
Without it, they’re just living their lives winging what they can and trying their best to guess situations and outcomes.
With your information, they can carve out absolutely everything.
They get to know your secrets and live happily in the knowledge that you trusted them with them all.
How To Avoid This in the Future
When you meet somebody new that you’re attracted to, you sometimes feel a strong urge to get to know everything about them as soon as possible.
I never see the rush in this myself because time will develop what it needs to, but others can’t wait to feel wanted or needed because it’s something they lacked in their past.
Avoiding giving all your cards away involves holding back a little. If the person you’re dating becomes impatient or disinterested in your wanting to take your time, then are they the person you want to be with?
You don’t need to surrender your triggers to a near stranger. You don’t need to tell them your entire life’s history or how many times you’ve been hurt or cheated on.
I always feel that avoiding these topics or refusing to give too much about you away will keep some of your experiences sacred.
Narcissists will ask question after question and seem like they’re so interested and caring, and it can be tricky to differentiate their inquisitiveness from their toxicity.
So now, it’s down to you to call the shots and to keep your heart a little bit guarded when you meet somebody new.
You don’t have to have all the answers, and all the love right away.
