I know you’re all eager to know what it is, but let me set the scene.

You’ve met somebody perfect. To you, they don’t have any faults. The charm is there, and so is the effortless way they seem to just understand you.

Nothing to worry about, right?

Here’s where I break it to you…

…All may not be as it seems.

If you’re dealing with a narcissist, you’re going to find that out if you ask them this one single question.

The Mask

The narcissist’s mask is present as soon as you meet them. You see, they wear it all the time that they’re wanting to impress, disguise or fool. If you are out in public.

What I have to sometimes remind people is that you may know them after some time without the mask.

Usually this will be an incident that occurs behind closed doors, or without anybody else in view or earshot.

It slips, and you see the person behind it. No longer do you see this nice person, you just see a nice act. 

The mask is vital to the narcissist. Without it, they’re just walking around living their toxic life showing everybody how horrible they are.

Without their masks, narcissists are a walking caution sign.

And with it on?

Well … they can have absolutely anybody fooled.

Article continues below this section.

---

Behind That Mask…

Where do I even begin?

This is considered high level personality contrasting here, and it starts with temper.

Moving on from that temper, you’re likely to find a person who is impatient, who expects only perfection from you, and who will only love you under their condition.

They will give you the silent treatment for absolutely no reason at all. In addition to that, they will enjoy watching you suffer as they meet you with absolutely nothing to offer you. 

It’s hard to even read, right? It feels impossible that the same person can be so different depending on whom they’re with, and where they are. 

Why Hide?

If you met a narcissist in raw form, there’s absolutely no way any of us would be attracted to them.

Could you imagine saying hello, and hearing them tell you that you’re a someone worthless that nobody else could ever love?

You’d be out of there faster than you could whistle!

But they’re not like that, and that’s the problem. They want your attention and affection before they reveal who they are. 

They want you to fall head over heels, and they need you to prove to them that you’re not going anywhere. 

So…What’s The Question?

I know it seems crazy to ask somebody this, but trust me when I say that it works every time. 

Do you think you’re a narcissist?

In my line of work, I have known people to ask this to the narcissist they know, and it’s never gone down well, not once. 

It’s usually been the catalyst for issues that eventually lead to a break up, and I think it’s pretty obvious why.

Imagine asking a question like this, one that proves you see right through the narcissist.

It’s basically saying, “You know I’ve thought about this for quite a while, and I’m pretty sure you aren’t the person you make yourself out to be. Care to explain?”

Would the narcissist care to explain? What do you think?

I think any kind of honest explanation would be an admission of a toxic personality. Somehow, and I’m going to put it out there, I just don’t ever see that happening.

Hey, if you can prove me wrong, then let me know!

Have you ever had a real admission from a narcissist?

Hey. You know what? I think I just might be a narcissist. You’re right. All this time I’ve been trying to make you feel terrible when really, it’s me who feels that way, and hates themselves. I am so sorry for everything that I’ve  put you through.

Yeah – pigs might fly!

What Happens When I Ask?

One of two things are going to happen if you ask this pressing question.

The first is always, did they laugh and say actually, yes. In which case, you’ve got yourself somebody with zero care for anybody or anything… Run!

The second is the defense. What you’re initially going to see is a slight look of both horror and terror. You’re touching on a subject way too close to home for a narcissist, and you’ve been so direct about it, too.

Then comes the aftermath.

The moments, hours, or days that follow will be the real telltale. I’d like to see a narcissist who was asked this question to continue with the same relationship with that particular person as they did before. Or has something changed?

I guarantee that it has. They’ve distanced themselves, or they’re avoiding seeing them.

Maybe they’re just plain old giving them the silent treatment a a form of punishment for daring to be so bold.

What about if they suddenly have a brand new best friend – or should I say – source of supply? Suddenly, you take a back seat as they introduce a new ally to the fold.

As far as the narcissist is concerned after all, you’ve put the question out there, therefore you must have your suspicions that they are in fact a narcissist. 

The Reveal: What Every Narcissist Dreads

A client once told me something that I will never forget. They said:

Alexander, I had my suspicions about my husband for about two years. I watched him, and it was almost like the pieces of the puzzle came together before my eyes. 

As soon as I was sure, I asked him outright. Do you think you’re a narcissist?

It all changed. He got so mad at me that he reacted aggressively, and then told me I was trying to find a problem with the relationship because I hated him.

I protested that wasn’t the case, and how I just wanted a conversation. I thought I could help him overcome his toxic traits. All I wanted was to be there for him.

It was that act of physical aggression that confirmed it for me – and that was the day my life changed forever. 

I got out of the house that evening when he went to the gym, and I stayed with my sister for around 7 months until the divorce went through and I could find my little apartment.

It’s nothing big, and I am literally starting again. But I don’t care. 

I would rather start again on my own than live with him for the rest of my life. 

Do you feel that? Does it resonate with you?

If you’re asking somebody if they’re a narcissist, it’s for a reason. The right person would be rightly wanting to talk with you about it. 

How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?

Narcissists are happiest when they have a partner they can twist, manipulate and control.

They love to be part of something where everybody else is smaller and less powerful than they are. Their lives have meaning, just as they feel they should daily.

There are specific ways a narcissist will manipulate their partners, though. As troubling as it may sound, these are textbook ways – and that’s where you need to pay close attention.

If this sounds like your situation, that’s because it likely is.

“My Reality is Fact!”

The reality is that you’re being manipulated by someone who has had much practice. They’ve been exactly where they are now, except with different victims. 

“You’re Nothing!”

Being told how worthless you are does a few things.

For the narcissist, it brings them to a new level of control and manipulation. If you hear something enough times, you will start to believe it. 

You believe it even more when you’re treated that way alongside those words. 

It’s all a tactic, created to destroy your hopes and dreams, your identity, and how you carry yourself each day. 

Where you once stood tall, you now slouch and try to be invisible.

That’s exactly how the narcissist wants you. 

“It’s Your Fault, Not Mine!”

Narcissists project to get whatever they’ve done wrong out of the light. They don’t want their faults or inappropriate actions to be spotted, and so they throw you out there instead.

So everybody looks at you. The narcissist looks at you as if they feel let down by you. 

And you feel that shame, because you take it on. And you take it on because they’ve pushed it so far into you that you have no choice. 

This design is set up to get them off the hook.

Thank God you are there for them to treat you this way – without you – they just might look like the bad guy.

Phew for them!

“…”

That’s right, the good old silent treatment. The way narcissists do this is by completely shutting down and ignoring you. 

If you’ve experienced it, I don’t need to tell you how uncomfortable it is. It induces panic, fear and worry, and like all things narcissists do, it is unnecessary. 

The silent treatment acts to give you nothing at all, so it’s easy for the narcissist to say, “Well, I didn’t say anything horrible. I wasn’t mean,” Then make excuses for them being quiet. 

When you’ve been given the silent treatment, you are left to your own insecure devices.

What did I do wrong?

How can I fix this?

What can I do to make them happy?

I must be a terrible person.

What’s going to happen next?

Do you need this?

No.

Yet they make it so prevalent in your world. 

It isn’t fair. 

“I Must Cause Fallout”

 What is life without a little drama? Actually, it’s quite nice. But then again, I’m speaking as an emotionally healthy person, and not a narcissist. 

The idea that drama is of such greedy interest to the narcissist is one that never fails to shock me. Why would anybody want to be in the middle of so much negativity?

Narcissists do. As people and emotions explode around them, they can act and do what they like and not be seen to be doing anything wrong at all.

Be careful here – narcissists want to pull strings to see a certain dynamic. 

If you’re a part of that, you will suffer. 

“Poor Me…”

The victim mentality of a narcissist can stop the most believing people in their tracks.

It’s all been too much for me.

I try my best.

I don’t know what I do wrong to upset people. 

I wish people would understand me.

These phrases tug at the heartstrings of those who want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and sadly – yes – it works. 

Narcissists always want to look as though they’re being wronged.

This injects:

• Guilt
• Shame
• Self-blame
• Self-loathing
• Insecurity
• Worry
• Anxiety
• Depression

In their partners, and they know this. 

They just don’t care.  

“Bringing You Back, Get Ready!”

Let’s take you back to a time where we were so in love, and everything was perfect!

We are so great, you and me. It was us against the world!

Think about all that passion we had. You’re never going to be able to find that anywhere else.

Oh, the manipulation game is strong with these kinds of phrases. They love getting you at your most vulnerable, reflecting on the distorted nostalgia between you.

It’s enough to make you paint over all the cracks in between, isn’t it? And there were a lot of those. 

What’s manipulative about this is the narcissist’s attempt to invite you to ignore their abuse, and only focus on the good (which was likely to have felt magical!) 

Don’t get sucked into this black hole.

“I Will Tell Everybody!”

Uh-oh. What’s that supposed to mean?

I think you and I both know this is not going to end well with you,

Narcissists will tell whoever listens what a horrible person you are and how you wronged them. They may stretch as far as saying that you are the cheater, you hurt them, you spread lies about them and you’re the manipulative one. 

It’s frustrating for victims, but beyond that, it’s absolutely destructive. 

Suddenly, your reputation is in tatters. It’s all based on the false word of the narcissist, who, by the way, is likely loving seeing your house of bricks fall down while their house of cards remains. 

“Nice, But Not!”

You go out, they act like the perfect partner.

You get home, and they ignore you.

You did this wrong, you did that wrong, you didn’t pay them enough attention, you flirted with that person.

Whatever it is, the charm will switch off. The mask will inevitably slip.

This is where the narcissist has learned not just to manipulate you but also to manipulate everybody else, too. They all think, “What a nice person. They’re such a good couple.”

Also the best one, 

“You’re so lucky to have them as your partner!”

Oh boy, if only they knew the truth, right? 

The truth is, you aren’t lucky. The narcissist is just very clever. They know buttons to press, when to press them, who to press them with, and they are always ready for it. 

You on the other hand then find it even more difficult to convince people of the truth.

This is the sole reason why narcissists manipulate – to make you look like the crazy one eventually, and for them to be the victim.