Last Updated on June 28, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester
Were you married to a narcissist or recently broke up with one?
If that is the case, then you have experienced how utterly painful divorce can be.
You have to deal with the loss of the relationship or sense of family, and worry about the children and money.
Yet to make matters worse, you are made to feel as if all those good years counted for absolutely nothing as your narcissistic ex will say or do anything that reaps him benefits at your expense.
There is no loyalty or appreciation for all the good years and effort that you put in to the relationship.
Now that you have split, whatever is in his or her best interest is all that counts. It’s depressing but it can also be frightening.
Why Would You Fall in Love With a Narcissist?
Why would anyone fall in love with a narcissist, the master manipulator?
To begin with, narcissists are very charming and often present themselves so as to be attractive and charismatic.
They are what the person wants them to be. They are often the center of attention and tend to be successful in whatever field they have chosen.
When a relationship first starts with a narcissist, they shower their new partner with affection, admiration, and compliments.
A narcissist appears to have really loved you- because falling in love feels so good to them.
They thrive on being enchanted by a partner who sees them as the fantasy they imagine themselves to be.
They adore you for adoring them and love being loved. Most people find that falling in love is just the first step toward a more intricate and intimate relationship.
However, when the bloom of romance fades for the narcissist that is when things can get doubtful and risky.
As the high of being in love wears off, the narcissist begins to realize that being in a serious relationship will involve times that are not all bliss and that they cannot hide their own flaws forever.
Furthermore, they cannot tolerate your flaws either as they feel it is a reflection on them.
A narcissist will be super sensitive to criticism but will regularly dish it out without any remorse.
At some point either you or your ex had enough of the conflict and abuse and chose to break up.
The stress of the split most often makes the narcissist even more difficult to deal with, and you will have to cope with the realization that you were never truly loved in the first place. It’s not easy.
Breaking up With the Narcissist
As you break up with a narcissist, be prepared for a battle unlike what you’ve experienced before.
While you are an emotional wreck, he maintains composure and is as cold as ice.
You are left to deal with the real-life responsibilities while he walks away from everything; you will be left to clean up the mess he has made and pay his bills.
It is common for them to leave you to clean up the house while they clean out your bank account.
He will find ways to punish you in ways you couldn’t possibly have ever imagined (even if he is the one who left, he will still blame you for the failed marriage).
The narcissistic ex will continue to act in abusive and manipulative ways.
He may even engage in destructive acts. Once the breakup becomes a reality and nonnegotiable, his ‘false persona’ will probably disappear altogether and you will experience vengeful and hurtful behavior.
He is completely lacking in empathy and remorse, and since he is no longer receiving narcissistic ‘supply’ from you – he will dismiss you and discard you (and the time you put into the relationship) as worthless to him.
The ex will consistently manipulate the children, often with gifts, to enlist their sympathy to his side.
Yet he also will dump them at their mother’s house on his custodial days if he happens to have a date that night.
How to Deal With a Narcissist Who is Your Ex?
A narcissistic ex often finds reasons to remain in the life of the former partner and continues to present problems after the relationship ends.
If you are in the process of ending a marriage with a narcissist, it is important to take full advantage of the legal system to help end the relationship in a safe manner.
A therapist or support group can help people who have children with a narcissistic ex learn coping skills for interacting with the narcissist calmly and how to maintain personal boundaries.
Narcissists are only concerned about themselves and can be unreasonable, selfish, emotionally volatile, and manipulative.
It is important to avoid engaging emotionally with the narcissistic ex as that is a form of supply, and consistently reinforce strong personal boundaries.
Narcissists commonly launch personal attacks against their victims.
When dealing with a narcissistic ex, refuse to respond to personal attacks and that may help de-escalate the situation.
Responding back with equally strong emotion of one’s own can have the undesirable effect of making the narcissist feel validated and will encourage his behavior.
Respond to the narcissist’s explosive emotions with calm detachment, perhaps using a statement such as
“You’re obviously very angry.”
Even if maintaining an air of calm in the face of narcissistic abuse doesn’t stop the behavior, many experts believe that it can stop the behavior from escalating.
Many narcissists also respond well to a flattering statement. Rather than emotionally engaging with the narcissist, try using flattery to suggest a change in behavior.
Statements with flattery such as, “You’re so generous, I know you don’t mind sharing the cost of Billy’s school clothes,” can make the narcissist feel validated and secure,
thereby minimizing emotional volatility and improving the chances of cooperation.
Most people with narcissism fail to respect the needs of others.
A narcissistic ex may easily disregard personal boundaries since he will generally believe his own needs, desires, and feelings are far more important than others’.
Dealing with a narcissist often means stating and re-stating your boundaries repeatedly, and consistently sticking with them.
If you give in just once, the narcissist will continue to invade the boundaries you have set.
It is not uncommon to have to reiterate your personal boundaries to a narcissistic ex at each new meeting.
Most experts advise identifying the consequences that will occur if the narcissist crosses a personal boundary, and sticking to these consequences.
Narcissistic ex’s can be vindictive; they will tell lies to friends and family members in order to ruin the reputation of their ex-partner,
attempt to blackmail their former spouses by threatening to spread vicious lies about them, steal money from them and even try to turn the children against their mothers.
When challenged, they can go into an explosive rage, sometimes becoming physically violent.
They will always lay the blame for the failed relationship on the ex-partner. Prepare yourself for battle.
80 thoughts on “How to Deal with a Narcissist Ex-Husband or Wife?”
I am the ex who is suffering at the expense of the narcisstic ex – and I am the man? I find it disappointing to find that, in my attempts to find some support and guidance on line, I find that most writers assume the narcissist is the man – as implied in your article. And you are a man. Why is it that writers/experts write as if the narcissistic ex is usually the man? My narcissistic ex-wife is making my life, and the lives of our three children, a destabilizing, living hell! I spent $70K trying to end this marriage (because she dragged out every aspect of the process) and now I am broke, and still miserable. Can you point me in the direction of any male-friendly support? I am not naive about mental health issues. I hold a master’s degree in counseling psychology and worked in the field for 10 years. I need help.
This is a very gender neutral site: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-he-or-she-really-a-narcissist-laying-boundaries-and-accountability/
It also has a lot of resources for free along with the option to buy e-books/ courses. I haven’t bought any as yet as I have been left in debt due to a Narc ex, but I found the free articles and survival stories to be really helpful.
Best of luck
I like this comment because my husband was a victim of a person with this traits. When we meet I could see the emotional scarfs but also an excellent and noble man who has overcome a house of smokes and mirrors .
Now his ex is very passively doing things we asked her not to.
Like showing up in the house door, parking in our drive way (we ask to stay on the side of the street– where she does her parade– when pick up and drop off their girl) I have nEver confronted not initiated a conversation eye contact nothing with her Ever but she always finds the way to get to me like call my huband to ask for him to asked me to do things for her !?$&—one day she called to demand Fromm husband to make me be her friend to or she will move out of the city with the girl$&;@;!? etc I have no interest on being anywhere close to a manipulative person it make me scared. How can we stop her ? He blocked her phone email we don’t park on her drive way we don’t even mentioned her. But my husband doesn’t want her any where near me because her proven and previously applied mind games and manipulations we don’t want her in my drive way door step phone line nor email account..
Please help and suggestions on how to stop her from coming to the front door and driving/parking in our driveway/private property???
I don’t know about the driveway in the streets I’m sure if you put in an incident report like we didn’t. She might listen because we just went no contact with our crazy b****. I’m just having a hard time getting over the last 4 years of all the nonsense I put up with. And it’s really hard for me to look at my fiance because she manipulated him so bad he’s the kids threats threats threats you name it. If the child is old enough to talk to and make arrangements. Start using lifts no contact no email no texts from the ex but every circumstance is different. Ignoring her and living happy is the best revenge but then she might take it out on the kid too.
Saying he and him makes it far from a gender neutral site Michelle. We all just read the article and we all felt it was pointing at men which is far to often the case with narcissism. We see you so and many of us are victims. please don’t gaslight us.
I also have a full blown narcissistic ex wife , and truely feel your pain. I depleted 100k retirement acct for attorney’s fees, lost a 700k home to her, and live in a rented 1000 sq ft townhouse. Fortunately, I sercured 50-50 custody of my now 10 yr old so. Divorced now for 3 yrs, and although she tries to inject her BS into my life, I am much better equiped to handle her ridiculous and irrational behaviors. All I can offer is that you’re not alone, and to stay the course as best you can. Envision your life 6 months to a yr into the future. You’ll get there faster than you think. And hopefully, like me, you’ll find a incredible new partner in life who can understand and empathize with what you are and have been going through. Keep your head
Up, it will get better for you, unlike the narcissitic behavior of your ex, which will continue to get worse and infect any relationship she has with anyone else in the future, and hopefully will redirect her anger and behaviors away from you.
Hi. Thanks for the encouragement. My partner and I struggle repeatedly with his ex-wife of 7 years. They have 2 children from their marriage. A 19 yo daughter who has been poisoned by her mother and who has cut off her father and their 17 yo autistic son whom she cannot manipulate. We face weekly battles trying to communicated about Thomas’ welfare and development, trying to work with her to manage his behaviour etc. she will not work with my partner unless I am around because she “respects me”. I have worked hard to develop coping mechanisms for the 2 of us so we manage her personality but its exhausting. We are now in counselling to learn new tools to help us.
Hi guys I’m the fiance of man with a very narcissistic ex wife. I was there for the whole thing watch everything, ignored everything, and didn’t pay attention to anything. It took four years of counseling, fighting, and 4 years of text and reading them all in a row to wake us up. She did it all the threats that turning the kids against me her parents had money so he was afraid. She’s an awful woman we can’t even look at each other we’re so angry. So we’re just going no contact. It’s been very calm for the first two days but she went crazy the first night. Of course blame the kid that put it on the table in her apartment. Call the oldest child and got everyone involved. And of course threaten to call the cops on me. I sent her a copy of the teachers code of conduct. Yes this woman teaches 3rd graders called my special needs kid retarded her own son’s girlfriend ugly. This is just all minor stuff I’m telling you. I could go on for hours on how my fiancee went to great lengths to stay in touch with her because she manipulated him so bad. I will not let her ruin us but will not let her in our lives any more. He is very aware of her now and this shit stops. No contact and exposing her pyscho behavior to her school should work for awhile. We did an incident report with the police about the night we dropped off the letter. All the things I’ve been asking my SO to do for years. I just have to get over the lying and hurt my fiance did to me all because of her. The kids are old enough and have their own phones. No reason to have contact. The saddest part isn’t watching the 19 year old boy ruin his college career because he’s dating his mother.
I am glad that I have been reading and researching more about NPD. Even though my therapist has told me not to look into what my ex has, I am truly convinced that he is a Narc. I had known about his abusive tendencies even before I had got with him but I felt I could fix him with whatever it was he had. I also felt that I had to somewhat watch over him after his sister, who was one of my best friends, had passed away. The narc and I had substance abuse issues, he was very violent at times, verbally abusive from the very beginning and in the 8 years together we had 2 children who we lost custody of due to our substance abuse. I have been away from him for 3 years now. He lies about the past, makes up stories, has court ordered no contact with the kids,…I could go on but we all know what it is he does. The one thing I am finding hard is getting over the hurt. I have an amazing fiance and I am afraid if I dont face this fully I will lose him. I am going to continue searching this sight and reading. I will make it thru this. I will.
Getting Over the Hurt I am struggling with myself. All I can feel is incredibly betrayed and still continues as his life flourishes. I guess I don’t understand how they can hurt people kids so coldly so vicious o can never understand how. I saw he was not ok I saw his bad behaviour, but I still did not listen.
I can Walter to what you wrote. I have a soon to be this 26th a one year old son with my narc. And there will be times were playing or I’ll be just admiring him thinking to myself how blessed I am to be the mother of such a gorgeous boy, and then stricken by the disgusting fact that his father never truly loved us but only what we have done for him-or me. I’m confused on what to say to him later in his life
I saw this behavior flourish on a daily basis. Things I would never put up with I started writing off as a “typical narcissist act”. As he knew I’m also one to take responsibility for my wrong doings etc yet after all the research therapy communication and mentoring to other victims, I have accepted and will no longer ever state the fact that this is in any way shape or form my fault for not getting out of it sooner. The undeniable truth is that he/she is a master at manipulation and brain washing and I am a victim of it. I had to google, “ why can’t I leave my boyfriend”, I was that lost in how haven’t I left yet! It’s because I couldn’t leave the bubble in which he made what we called “my life” I had to slowly find and use the right to escape this bubble-and I’m not sure there is even a guide to do that or I’d have purchased a copy of “how to escape your narcissist’s bubble for dummies” right when I identified the issue. And as I blubber on I’ll close with saying this.
Im Hurt. I hurt for our son, I hurt for my sister (whom lived with us and witnessed his abuse only to be a form of his narcissistic abuse and anger herself -which I struggle to not bash myself down with guilt over this- but this too shall pass. My son will grow older and even more beautiful, my sister will carry on her life and we will remain eachothers rock for we got through this hurdle and boy what a hurdle it was to overcome together now co parenting the love of our lives, and I may or may not find a partner but I need not expect any thing less than the perfect partner for me. I will never settle and if anything true has come to be true about me now that I am not confused over it’s the mere truth that I Savannah will never settle with anyone less than my perfect.
I agree. I have watched a good man face wave after wave of crap and abuse at the hands of a narcissist female utterly out to destroy him for 15 years now. Society needs to grow the hell up and realize that women are often times MORE destructive in a divorce than the men. The courts and the legal system have made a HORRIBLE mess of family law without bias to gender. They have empowered women to abuse their ex spouses and fall on society for pity and affirmation when they lie about it all. Men need help and resources as much as women do.
It no matter matter male r female the abuse is the same with narcissist person the law is useless went it come to nar there win I have it from both side family menders and ex with family mender taking his side not because he right but because that what nar do my nar was even happier to c me fall and no family to go to more comroll over us it hard every time I get free from him and them something else come up don’t give up r lose hope it get better my narcissist family mender use text in phone to abuse even after I change my number 3 times keep ur text show them as prove no matter who sent them
HOW SAD THAT YOU HAVE BEEN THERE 15 YEARS TO BE A WITNESS TO THAT WITH YOUR OWN EYES, IN MY CASE MY EX HUSBAND DID ALL THAT AND MORE TO ME AND MY CHILDREN, AFFAIRS, CHOOSE ING TO THREATEN TO KILL ME AND BURY ME , CHOKING ME , DESTROYING MY STUFF , CARS, BOATS, VANDALIZED, HOME BURGLARIZED OVER A 9 YEAR TIME TWELVE AFFAIRS, AND THEN TALKED ME INTO GETTING LIFE INSURANCE POLICIES, ONLY FOR ME TO BECOME ILLL AFTER WANTING TO KNOW WHERE WE SHOULD GET A DOUBLE BURIAL PLOT PURCHASED, I WAS TOLD BY HIS OWN MOTHER THAT HE WASN’T TO BE TRUSTED, AND LAST THIS WAS I WAS WARNED BY THE FIRST WIFE SAID MOTHER AND FATHER AND HIS OWN KIDS HAVE TOLD ME THE TRUTH OF HIS ABUSE TO THE THREE WIVES BEFORE ME, AFTER I WAS MADE TO BELIEVE IT WAS ALL THEIR BEING CRAZY AND STALKING OR UNFIT DRUNKS , THE EX WAS SO GOOD AT MANIPULATION AND LIES AND SO CHARMING TILL DR JECKL MR HIDE CAME OUT IN FULL PLAY AND NO MASK, HECK MY PLUMBING UNDER THE HOUSE WAS EVEN CUT OUT ONCE AND HE CALLED SOCIAL SERVICES ON ME SERVAL TIMES TO STIR UP LIES SAYING MY CHILDREN WASN’T MINE BUT WAS A KIDNAPPED CHILD, MIND YOU I HAD TO START SEEING THE TRUTH AFTER HIM FORCING ME TO ACCEPT MORE AND MORE OF HIS ABUNDANCE OF SHIT THT CAME LIKE KEYING MY CARS BURNING HOLES IN THE SEATS OFF IT AT A LATER TIME , PAINT STRIPPER LATER ON MY TRUCK LID AS WELL AS THE NEED TO CALL ME FILTHY NAMES AND TELL ME TO MY FACE HE WAS THE ONLY PRINTS THE COPS WOULD FIND ON MY CAR OR HOME OR BOAT THT WAS BEING VANDALIZED, AS WELL AS COUNTLESS TIMES OF HIM TRYING TO HAVE ME AR RESISTED FOR MADE UP CRAP HE DOES, HE EVEN EVERY TIME A NEW TARGET HE PICKED (IE,,AFFAIRS ), HE WOULD STOP HELPING WITH BILLS, AND MOVE OUT, FOR A WHILE BUT CONTINUING CALLING COMMING AROUND ,HIS JOB ,WAS TO RUIN MY LIFE OF WHICH HE’S ALMOST DONE , U SEE WHEN UVEITIS TRULY BEEN ABUSED BY A NARCISSISTIC EX U DON’T JUMP BACK IN THE BE WITH SOMEONE POOL AGAIN FOR YEARS DUE TO PTSD THT IT CAUSES LIVING THE ROLLER-COASTER RIDE FROM HELL, UR TOO AFRAID TO GET FOOLED AND MIXED UP IN THE GAME OF RUIN UR LIFE AGAIN, SO BECAREFUL WHAT YOUR BEIEIVING, I WAS FAR FROM THE FIRST HE STOLE FUNDS AS WELL AS THE ABUSIVE SOUL SACKING THERE IS A CLUB OF EXES ATTACHED TO THIS GAME OF HIS,, SOME ARE MALE COME TO FIND OUT YEARS LATER,,
I’m guessing thing have stabilised somewhat for you given it has been a few years since your post. At any rate, as someone who also has a narcissistic ex-wife & children, I’d say watch out for the kids.
In my case, once the relationship, divorce, financial settlement & parenting arrangements were sorted I thought I was in the clear. I was wrong.
I went on to have other relationships, she didn’t. I continue to work, she has made innumerable excuses why she can’t despite gaining numerous qualifications along the way.
In essence she has spent the last decade doing nothing, devoid of meaningful relationships & has turned her attention to our kids, both who as teenagers are developing problems as a result.
I hope for your sake your ex finds a focus away from your children (be it a new partner, job, etc) that can distract her from trying to cause hurt & pain through the kids. Be prepared also to potentially deal with kids’ emotional & physical neglect.
Hope this helps.
We have been dealing with my husbands narc ex wife for 13 years. I don’t have to tell anyone here what these people are capable of. What I have learnt: don’t put yourself in any situation were you are alone with them. Cut down communication with them as much as you can. Don’t lose your temper, always keep your head and try, really hard to not let it consume you. Best of luck to everyone. Thank you all for sharing. It really helps
I feel for you because women can definitely be more vindictive. I just thought my fiance’s ex-wife was the stupidest most ridiculous person I’ve ever met. But she’s really smart in manipulation guilt and self-pity. And I see all the effects and the kids.
Mate… going exactly through the same thing. Except i have no kids to her thank god. Spent thouseands. Had a fake dvo put on me and she is still living in a house that i jointly own.. i am doing nothing anymore. I dont talk to her. Dont respond to anything to do with her or her solicitor. I told her where is stand and what i want and left it at that. These people do not compromise, they dont negotiate they are just game players and love drama in there life. I started a nee life with a new partner.. my choice and my choice now yo have nothibg to do with her whatsoever. The only time i will ever engage with her is to sign my consent order for the sale of the house. In the end she is a dickhead as she lives in a house that is legally half mine.. always will be. Shes just dragging out the inevitable. As they do..
I think the fake DVO may be a true hallmark of the narcissistic female. Mine had me served in front of my kids while she was out of the house. Now she’s trying to fight my visitation with them because she knows that they are all I care about. I don’t care about money or property. Be very glad you have no children with yours, because I can tell you that it would be exponentially worse. My children are all very troubled from years of the irrational and abusive behavior (school refusal, psychiatric medications and hospitalizations, etc). On top of that their financial future is being gutted by a women who may drag us all into bankruptcy. I don’t think I can save them from this, at least while they are still children. My only hope might be to help them in their adulthood.
I’ve been replying to everyone because all of this that everyone’s writing is happened to me too. It’s amazing what they can get away with and the courts just allow it. I hope everyone comes out safe especially the children.
I have to say that I soooo agree with mr Paul Ragusa!!! I’m a women, and i often see that the narcissist behavior more often than not sure comes from mothers using their children to hurt, manipulate and punish their ex husbands. Its simply completely unfair that ex wives walk away with everything a guy has worked all his time for, they get free legal aid, they destroy a guys life and relationship with their children, possibly their future relationships with any other lady, they also get traumatized by the emotional and verbal abuse that the narcissist ex wife!! And the worst of it all, these guys have absolutely NO help available to them!!! They pay child support and still get dictated on what else the law forces them to keep giving to horrible exes!!!! Its a very sad system!!
I am a women. And i HATE the way the system caters into the feminism and femism world…only making it harder for decent fathers and men in general. Good luck Mr Paul. I totally understand you and only wish that it gets better for you sir.x
I am a woman and I totally agree! Men get screwed over by ex wives because of the way the legal system is. Some women use their children as a bargaining tool and in the end the children are the ones that suffer the most. Here is the twist, I’m also an “ex wife” with kids but I do not use my children to make my exes life miserable. He has unlimited excess to his children, they are just as mush mine as they are his. My current husbands ex wife is the spawn of Satan and is a malignant narcisist to the “T”. We just try to remain civil as much as possible for the children’s sake, pray and count down the days for when those boys are grown. I just hope they don’t pick up her chararistics! Just because a woman gave birth to a child doesn’t mean she is a fit mother. Laws need to be adjusted so the good dads stand a chance!
I’m so sorry you are going through this BS. In my case it got worse when my stepdaughter got grown she is a chip off the old block just like her mom. She now uses the grandkids as a pawn. She comes over and constantly braggs about what her mom does for her kids to try to make us jealous or her mom will call on her cell phone during a visit while she talks in code about my husband and me. You would think my husband’s ex would move on after over 22 yrs. She is still unmarried and no current boyfriend she hangs around my in-laws asking about our business. I don’t wish this on anyone. Remember she want you to be as miserable as she is. You and your husband stick together and focus on the love that you have.
Please hope she gets married or she will be more than happy to take half his social security from you too. Been there, done that, but was quite happy when she married again for the 5th time, a few months after my wonderful husband and I did. Look out for yourself and immediate family. And an absolute must….keep a separate bank account in your name ONLY, should she subpoena the bank, like the thorn in are side tried many times accusing him of witholding “all that extra money”! There was absolutely NOTHING she could to get her hands on that!!!!
Hi, I was abused by my narcissistic abusive ex husband, he has lied to his family our friends and even to the court, and has completely gotten away with it I feel. The court, after he managed to have our son taken from me by lying and manipulating, I went broke fighting him for full custody of our son and trying to proove that he had made up everything about me, trying to proove that I was unfit to take care of my son!!!! He had finally said something wrong in the court setting and dug his own grave in that aspect, and so I got full custody. However, I still have never had the chace to tell my story to those who loved both of us before and durring our marriage (who now hate me and believe everything he has told them without ever hearing my side to anything!) And as much as I want to tell everyone what I went through, and that he is not the man they think he is and that I’m not the monster he is making me out to be to everyone, there really is just no point. Who would believe me anyways, he has everyone believing that I’m a cold heartless narcissistic bitch myself who did him wrong and took his son away from him. I have full custody now, but he still gets reasonable typical visitation. He continues to try to make my life hell…. Which I don’t understand. Not barely over 7 months of our divorce he had cheated on one girlfriend (before our divorce was final) he had during our divorce, broken up with a second girl (again before our divorce was final) after like 3 months, and then immidiately got engaged to another girl who he had only know about 3 to 4 months. She and I have yet to have a conversation. I do not wish to even see my ex’s face, because he starts something and is nasty every time. But every time he brings his new wife with him to drop off or pick up our son he is just as civil as he can be. The narcissistic cycle continues……. He still sends me nasyy, degrading, insulting messages, when he finds out something new in my life that he doest like, approve, or thinks he has a shot at trying to control I wonder if his new wife even knows he still does this?…. She seems like a sweet lady. But I feel sorry for her because she hasn’t got a clue to what she has just done to her life. I have learned to ignore and not respond to his nastyness, and just communicate when I have to where our son is concerned. He has started using our son to hurt me….. My boy came home from a weekend visit with dad reciently and came home and said that his daddy had told him to tell me that he loved his new mommy more than me…. I asked my son why daddy would tell you to tell me that, he said he didn’t know why….. I want my son and his dad to have a good relashionship but that kind of behavior makes me very cauious and nervous about the future…. I still constantly worry, and suffer from C-PTSD from my ex marriage…. Either gender can suffer narcissitic abuse, you just hear the stories more about abusive men because they because abused men by and ex wife are not as comfortable about amitting to it to people. To be honest this is probably the only place I will ever have the chance to tell my story told…. Whether anyone on the page believes me or not, I have finally been able to tell my story somewhere.
P.S. Please pardon any bad English typing here lol… I’m not the best at grammar and typing.
I could not agree more. I am a man as well dealing with the same narcissistic soon to be ex! I find that women are much more apt to be vindictive, controlling, and manipulative than men!
I wish you the best of luck divorcing a narcissists is one of the hardest things to do I sat and watched my fiance do it. The only reason it went as smoothly if you can say that is because her dad got involved and and paid for the lawyer. But beware it doesn’t stop she’ll hold on to you for years finding every reason to contact you and make your life miserable.
Good catch. Was having exact same thought
I have great empathy for you for I went through it too; and going through it again.
Paul you are so right. I was reading this and many sites and they are favorable toward helping women. Even when it comes to abuse. These sites portray the man as the abuser. No so in all cases.
Sadly, we have found the same problem. My now-husband has a narcissistic ex wife who has terrorized our lives for four years, and it continues. She ruined his business, stalks us, stalked my children, even tried to run my husband over with her car and we have found little to no support for male victims. Police automatically take her side or she will turn on the tears and pretend that we harass her. We have moved three times (my husband has moved 5 times since he left her), changed our phone numbers multiple times, trade in cars and get new plates for them and moved my kids to a different school. We had to enter an address confidentiality program in our state as she kept finding where we lived and would start her surveillance. We have restraining orders that she violates on a regular basis, and she gets away with it about 80% of the time. It has been hell. If she were a man she would be sitting in jail. She has alienated my husband’s adult children and he no longer has contact with them as she would send them to get information about us and our whereabouts. All I can suggest is keep looking online for support and call victim assistance lines in your state for names of places to seek help. I know you are a counselor anyways but start seeing a counselor that specializes in PTSD and victims of narcissists. You need a therapist who GETS what you have been through. Good luck and know that there are those of us out here that totally get what you have been through. Stay safe.
I too. Have a narcissistic ex wife. She is a very angry person, i tried to calm her down on many occassions and tried to find reasons for her angry moods. Inwhich she turns away from any self diagnoses and has been telling all that will listen that it is me that is the angry one. Yes at times through the frustration of lisyening to her lies, i become loud and more straight forward. Her scence of relaity did not match what was being said and done. Even when i recorded her what has happened she dismisses it as o well. She shrugs it off and she starts again.
She was hording money and threaten me if i took her to mediation she will take my superannuation.
Cunning woman. 2 weeks after we split she was on the dating scence and brags that she has 3 blokes on the go. Then the next day denighes it and the day after that is back on the bragging about how many dates she has on the go. She palms off the kids when ever she gets a date. To me she is the town bike and its our kids who are suffering as she ignores them in her pursuit of self so could enlightenment. Her spiritual freinds all encourage her to be a bitch as they are responding to the lies she feeds them.
Now im hearing more and more stories very simular to mine. Seriously Its like we all married the same woman. Same sayings. Same characterisrics. Basically same everything. What is happening to our women.
Joe, it is amazing. I was told I was the angry one, until I discovered there was a pattern: she would start nagging and criticizing for days until I exploded and yelled or cried.
She was very angry because she said I thought “she was the loony who has to go to the shrink”. We went to five therapists. After a few sessions, they would all say they needed to see her more often, and this enraged her.
I started taking notes of the fights, and she said I was writing lies. I recorded her, and she refused to listen to the recording.
Then she found refuge in mediation, became interested in angels, ufos and God knows what other nonsense, and gets a lot of support from her friends, who think I am evil. I am not angry at them anymore, because I married her thinking her mother was evil. She can be the perfect victim and bask in the pity she gets from everybody.
Hi. My husband’s relatives believes his ex’s lies about him. That he is worth nothing and he never did anything for their kids. And he is the worst father. in the beginning I couldn’t really comprehend and it stresses me so much. They hate him actually. Its only when I learned about this NPD that made me understand why, because NPD’s are the best liars and nobody can believe what they telling is a lie. She made their kids hate him and disrespect him. They deny everything he did for them and keep of blaming him for “leaving them on the streets” . While the truth is they had been wasting his money, their trust funds, their jewelries, and some inheritance from his parents. They made him to feel very very guilty, etc. He was damaged a lot.
I have 2 very vindictive narcissistic ex’s – one husband, one a partner. Both joined forces and tried to plead me insane. Ruined relationships with friends for fear of their own exposures. One son is turning narcissistic as I can see it and I believe helped with some of the damage. He’s only a teenager – at the hands of these evil toxic people. I’m not sure he is aware of the outcome this will lead him to in his own life. Something I seem to no longer have any input into due to his father taking over control. He doesn’t live with me.
Amazes me how people will listen and join in the bullying when they don’t even know the whole truth. They’ve had my friends turn on me and all ask me the same questions and all act the same. Even neighbours have been involved and the community as to where I am living. They’re not even aware of how obvious they are making themselves as I can see it all in front of me and choose to ignore it.
I will never understand why someone just wont move on after a relationship has ended.
It will never destroy me. I’m trying very hard to work on myself and learn more about emotional intelligence which these clearly are lacking in. Self preservation and knowledge is a big thing to conquer these rats. There are always good people out there that will be of support in some way and to not take a scrap of notice from these lowly people.
Hi Sharon u right it hard to understand why there won’t move on they can there well able to but won’t let u if there can help it selfish selfish sorry about ur son my ex done the same with daughter wrost my family is on his side my other oldest daughter is living with an narcissist I can and there not a thing I can do about it don’t give up in ur son but be careful
To all, I have an ex husband that 12 years after our divorce to date, continues to discuss with our children every conversation negativity and hate toward me. I was married 10 years, we had 4 daughters 2 years apart. 9 years he slept on the couch. I was never allowed to spend money, or make any decisions. We only had a shower and all those children. I changed EVERY diaper, every bath, every meal. We had money, but it was spent on himself. Instead of a bathtub that was desperately needed, he bought himself an $8500 snowmobile. He would make my friends feel uncomfortable and one time went over to my friends and tried to ” you know”. Name calling, major fits, someone was always doing him wrong. Only involved with the girls, if he was having to look good in front of someone else. I was hit and cheated on. My girls were 4-6-8-10 when I filed for divorce. We had many things because of myself and family. The only way he would settle, is if he got every material thing, or he would put the girls who he never raised through psych evaluations and the whole ball of wax. I gave him both properties, one was a duplex almost paid off, the other a house with 45 acres we put $60,000 cash down on because of me. He kept his retirement. I got primary placement of all four girls, 230.00 child support, and 23,000.00. In court when the divorce was final he winked at me, and said have fun renting. I told him I was going to close on my house, the bailiff had to hold him back. During this time, he took all of my friends with his cunning poor me nature, even the ones that felt uncomfortable around him, tried to destroy my name with lies. Meanwhile I got a great job, kept fixing up my home and raising my babies. Every other weekend he had the girls and he was vicious with them especially when they would cry for me. He would always say val to the girls, NEVER address me as their mother. Exactly two years later he took me back to court for custody. I fought hard, even said I did not want the 230 a month, he smiled and kept going it was a game for him. We ended up going through psych evals and guardian ad litem. He tested out a doormat that was a pushover, I tested out controlling. I didn’t have a name for what I was going through but I was in a complete state of panic knowing he wouldn’t take care of the girls. He ended up getting 50% placement. He never had food in the house, never made meals, never took girls to dr or er when they had ear infections ect. I could go on and on. What I really want to share is something I wish I would of known. If I can help someone that would make me happy. Fast forward 12 years later…my girls have been effected by this evil greatly, all in differing ways. My oldest over eats and has severe depression. My second oldest, is in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, my third fights feelings of worthlessness and fights to be happy my fourth, my baby is just like her father, mood swing wise and emotionally vicious. I have had to forgive myself for making the choices to choose this man as their father. I was raised by a narcissist mother, but all the information came to late. It was normal to have scraps of affection. It was normal for me to go without. I made sure all the girls were in sports, sewing, piano, did chores, we had pets, went places. Would get up at 2 am to pick them up from their dads when they were sick because he would be screaming he had to f-ing work. Take them food and clean clothes after he got 50 custody, which I told them he wouldn’t take care of them, to which I was told I never allowed him to. I married a great man two years after my divorce, we have been married 10 years plus now. This man has been a blessing to my children and they tell everyone he is their dad also. Guess what, none of this helped my adult children. If you are truly dealing with this evil, you have to actively make your children aware what is going on, and how to combat it. You need a therapist that is aware of the narcissist, the wolf in sheeps clothing. You need to try to stabilize your child’s emotional health. You should also seek the same therapy. You are dealing with something that you can not go around. Your child will not tell you the threats, the pain and torment they live when alone with that parent. My children the last couple years are now telling me, I had no idea the lengths he went to destroy my children. I thought it was mostly me he wanted to hurt. A narcissist does not truly love even their own child. They are capable of doing things to your child, you would say, but there’s no way they would do that. Yes, they will, and do. You want to think, your child is part of them, they would never hurt them so badly? The N only cares about one thing. Themselves and their image. One year their father told them there was no Christmas he didn’t have any money. Only to find out later several of his friends got 100 gift certificates for a bar he likes to go to with all of them. Therapy is the only way, plus you have that documentation if they should try to cheat on their psyc evals and with the guardian ad litem. Guardians are not equipped for this and are almost always fooled by the N. It’s going to continue to be a long journey for my girls. I never talked about him negatively, always provided for them, loved them, had them in sports, girlscouts, band piano. We’d go to the library, movies out to eat. In the end, the damage he caused became part of who they turned into. Knowledge is power. You can be happy. Do not listen to your children when they tell you everything is fine after spending time with the N. Assume the worst and be proactive with therapy. The N doesn’t like people knowing their secret. I am learning all this to late. Do not think you can ever co parent with the N. Keep it business, do not invite N into your space thinking this is what mature adults should be able to do. You can not do that, they use it as an opportunity to get inside your life. A narcissist is NOT capable of love for anyone but themselves. Therapy, therapy, therapy, sports, clubs, family time..take a proactive hold on all your lives. Teach your child empathy, volunteer, work with the disabled. This will help keep them from the victim mentality. It’s not a normal divorce when you are dealing with an N. I did all these things, but I didn’t believe in therapy because I thought I was shielding my girls from the brunt of his anger, I couldn’t of been more wrong. If the girls would of been in therapy I would of had unbiased documentation to support what those in making the decisions for my families life, said were fabrications and a need to control on my part. Your god damn right I wanted control, because he was as close to a devil I have ever known. He was and always will be a narcissist.
I think articles like this are informative yet misleading, from what I understand a person doesn’t just have one diagnosis, but usually a dual diagnosis, and the more I research, interview professionals in this field, I am beginning to think a person with these patterns of behaviors, along with others, can have more than 2 disorders, it is not a cookie cutter answer to just throw a label on a person, and think that this may be the answer to way they behave and think the way they do, and by reading these articles and books that there’s a way to respond to these creatures. It is unfortunate that most people have many misconceptions about human behaviors, and in general we choose to see the good generally in everyone, we fail to realize that there are many that think very differently than the general population, and VERY sadly once you realize just how destructive this person can be to your life, you are far into their web, and it may cost you nearly everything to gain your freedom to a healthier life, and all to often the damage as the last reader commented, the damage is already done, the destructive actions, as all actions have a ripple effect. I agree the hardest part as you stand in pile of devastation of your life, and begin to pick up the pieces, is forgiving yourself.
I’d really like to talk to you, I’m freshly divorced from a guy that sounds like your ex. I have two small children, 3 and 6.
I was not supported by the legal system I only got bare minimum support and had to lose out on everything else. I don’t care I have my children and my freedom but he’s still someone I have to deal with every week. I’ve been thinking about therapy just to cover my ass, he threatens court and taking the kids from me when he’s angry. One day he’s charming and helpful, the next he’s calling me names and telling me he has a “case against me”. I tell him we need to keep every discussion open and respectful and he just says what he wants to say and then “respectfully” leaves the conversation because all I do is argue with him.
I don’t argue. It fuels the situation. I don’t name call. I keep it business and he just does what he wants and doesn’t respect me or my parenting.
My son had beautiful curly blonde hair and he asked if he could chop it off. I made the mistake of telling him how cool I thought it looked and how much I loved it and I’d take him for a trim but I didn’t want to cut it yet. A few months later, he sends me a photo of my son, no more curls, and says my son is so psyched up to show me and he loves it. It was something he did to hurt me. That seems minor but that’s just one of the many things he’s done. All the while, it’s my fault.
He showed up on Father’s Day blowing a .11BAC at 930am and tried to drive off with my kids. I stopped him and called police and because I didn’t let him into the street, nothing happened. The attorney for the children did not honor my request for supervised visits. All because he had the court believe I was crazy… And drinking is normal. So he destroyed me in the court room. I was his servant for years, the only caregiver of the kids… He just came home smoked pot in the basement then went to sports games or out drinking with friends. I quit my job stayed home and dedicated myself to my kids.
Why does none of that matter and why is it so hard for other people to see through that fake persona? He’s just the nicest guy if you meet him, if you’ve ever had the displeasure of loving him, you were belittled, criticized, controlled, and berated depending on the day. When he felt like a failure for something, he wouldn’t rest until he made me feel that way about myself. It was the worst 5 years of my life. I still have to deal with it. I can’t take these threats about him taking the kids. I KNOW he doesn’t want them, he told me they’d be DNA he had to pay for after our divorce. That was the day I told him to move out. Who says that about thier children? To anyone else he appears to be such a great fun dad. It’s incredibly frustrating to deal with. If you’d like to chat sometime my email is Lindsey.firstname.lastname@example.org
I can say the one thing that my fiance did was back up every text since the day she found out about me. When you sit and read those all in a row in one sitting it’s the most disgusting eye-openin gut-wrenching thing you’ll ever read. All the back and forth all the time wasted. The best advice I can give everyone is document everything it will help you so much in the long run. If you can go no contact go no contact there’s no other way to co-parent with them.
yep. i am doing the same thing. Every time my resolve to stay away from him and keep him out of my life waivers, i just read any of these texts or copies of texts or copies of notes I’ve written to myself when things were so so bad and i remember how absolutely abusive he was. it just reinforces my position to get and stay as far away from him as possible. I recently made it 70 hours with no contact but for whatever reason i unblocked him and within 24 hours i was in a horrifyingly angry again and in tears at work. I was calm, cool and doing so well and i let him back in…MISTAKE!!! when will i learn?
he’s so predictable i know exactly when he is going to text me, down to the day and hour.
Wow. Your story sounds so familiar. I’ve been divorced 2 years and my ex wife has this same behavior.
God Bless you. I can TOTALLY relate. I’m sorry for you and your family but glad I’m not loosing my mind thinking/being told, it’s all me.
Thank you for this insight. I am currently going through a divorce from a Narc, and it has been an even bigger battle than living with the emotional and physical abuse during our 4yr marriage. We have a 2.5 yr old and I already have full legal and residential custody. He is trying to destroy me financially by dragging me to court for everything, hiding money, stealing money, trying to foreclose on our house, you name it. In regards to our daughter, he is trying to get flexible visitation – he should be able to make up his days if he cannot make his visitation days because of his work schedule (which he schedules himself, btw). A way to continue to control me. I will fight to stick to a set schedule. He buys my daughter’s affection and tells her that I am to blame when he can’t see her. I’ve already placed her in therapy with a social worker because I know what I am up against. You hit the nail on the head. We have to protect our children and get them professional help ASAP because the Narc doesn’t care about his/her child. Thank you for sharing, and continue to be strong!
Valerie, your post really made me sad. I am actually a mental health professional and so us my narcissistic ex husband. I relate to everything you wrote. My parents are also personality disordered. I did not realize what I was getting into when I got married.. I was wiling to let him have everything to get full custody with very liberal visitation with him but he fought me hard and used and manipulated our two girls. He got 50% custody so he would not have to pay child support. He blamed me for the marriage falling apart and bad mouthed me to all the neighbors. My eldest, a perfect child had a nervous breakdown while away at college at 19 y.o. I am now finding out the horrors of their time spent with him. She is healing and doing well. My kids had a fairly normal life with me and I though they would tell me everything but they did not. Thankfully they do not show any narcissistic traits and are caring, thoughtful, empathic people. I want to tell you that they kids can heal, they have you! The have a model of a healthy marriage, of how a normal adult behaves.
I have a Narc ex-wife. She has made my life a living hell for the last 10yrs, My son wants nothing to do with me now and he is having problems socially because of it. The more I fought her, the worse it got. This woman stuck around until the money ran out and I was depleted. Then she took me to court and got what was left. Essentially I gave her everything. She destroyed all of my past relationships. I am her focus. Anything to bugger me up. And when it is quiet…..You know a big bomb is coming. She has tried to extort money from me, she takes me to court and has me waste my money….I’m tired of what I see and it seems hopeless to get my son back in my life. Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t! I’d rather have my legs broken than deal with the damage from a Narc. Any support groups on here
My husband and I both have narccist ex’s! Fortunately we rarely deal with his as their children have growen. But he had 2 sons pass away and she has managed to turn his daughter completely away from him and his remaining son is more distant than before. My children’s father is someone we have to deal with more as my youngest Daughter is 13! He never was one to yell and scream but he dripped on the children, family and friends. Telling then what an evil person I am! He always keeps things stirred up and now that the children are older is breaking them apart also:( as hard as it is to deal with these issues we are so blessed to have found each other! Being married to some one that is not a narccist is so much easier and wonderful????
I’ve been told the children will figure it out one day! I hope so! Although I think some like my stepdaughter may turn into angry bitter old ladies like her mom!
I also find this article to be sexist towards men, My wife left me and took our kids with her and then pleaded with me to take her back. I eventually gave in to the early morning texts of “I miss you”, “i Really do love you”, “I am going to fight for to get you back no matter how long it take”. I agreed that I would let her back in to my life and also in to the family home she left. Oh boy what a mistake, approximately three months after she came back she said she wasn’t happy anymore and that it was all a mistake. She started to make my life a a complete misery. I started keeping a diary to reflect on so that I could convince myself that I wasn’t delusional or psychotic as she had frequently called me.
Eventually I decided that the only solution was to move out. I started going out at weekends and living life as a single person and as luck would have it met a fabulous woman who if I am honest I dont think I am good enough for because of my ex and her constant critisism of me.
I am gone now almost two years and my ex wife still does her best to haunt me. The house was to be sold that was the agreement, she changed her mind, I was to have use of the shed beside the house to work out of when I needed and I would pay a percentage of the electricity when I did this, I have honored this only to have the electricity to the garage disconnected saying she wanted a meter in, I got an electrician to install a meter ( I Have used 4kw of electricity since the 11/09/2015) she is now not happy with this and says I am interfering in her life and she doesn’t want me to use the shed anymore.
I am an emotional and financial wreck at the minute and feel like the whole world has been swept from under my feet.
I would appreciate when I go online to find a balanced appreciation of stories in a his/her format rather than a him this him that.
I hope by now you have cut all ties by now. I just realized what I was dealing with and how much BS she has done. Of course she did everything to make my SO pay as much as possible even let the car in both their names get repoed. We went no contact but I’m ready for any manipulation she has. The only thing I have is she is a teacher and image is everything to her. Exposing her and my “I do not give a shit what you say about me” attitude is all I got. We can see her bank transactions ( because she is to lazy to change the password) in fact she never does shit. She purchased a match.com subscription. That should keep her ego busy for awhile. Of course I had to read her profile and look at her 12 pictures of her. We found it very entertaining and almost threw up a little. Knowing she will end up alone and miserable helps because narcissist only get worst with age.
I wasn’t married for 1month & my narc ex was wanting an annulment if I didn’t do what he wanted. All the stages of getting me, he did & did well. He cheated & I was the insane one. I was spit on, name called, lost my job & he got me into debt while he kept his credit. He has a new supply & has had her since I finally walked away. Our divorce was final in Nov 2015 after almost 2yrs (most separated) and he still tells people that I am insane & how I was abusive & hard to live with. I struggle every day to get my life back, to get myself back. Luckily I didn’t lose too many friends from his isolation of me in the beginning phase. I just want to believe that the hurt will stop.
My Ex stepped over my boundaries for the very last time and I finally kicked it in. Made it clear to her that I am no longer going to be the one to calm things down and try to be reasonable and if she wants to escalate it all the way to court battles and restraining orders then go ahead, if you cant beat them join them. I stated that no matter what happens it will be a two way street now, what she gives, is what she will get back.
Then, the strangest thing happened, she suddenly cut it all out and is being extra nice at the kids handover. She is polite and respectful, almost friendly. Its a little unnerving but an absolute breath of fresh air. I “think” she believes she is taking the high road, or it could be that she still thinks we might get back together. But I can guarantee its not because she listened or agreed with me. I tried for years to have an equally caring/loving relationship and all she did was take take take and expect me to thank her for it. Freedom only came when I burnt my bridges and told her never again. Dont get me wrong, its soul destroying to say good bye to my dream of a traditional family but I know I did everything I could. Strength comes from saying NO, and meaning it, without hope, expectation or fear of what she will do.
Bullies need a bloody nose! [metaphorically of course]
Hey bob, I feel you. I am going through a divorce and my ex was the same way. I just recently blocked her phone calls and messages as I can’t take all of the abusive behavior. I told her today that I am done. No more text or phone calls regarding our children because you can care less. There is absolute no talking to her without her blaming me for my failures in the marriage. Not once has she accepted any responsibility in the divorce. She started dating another guy and throws it in my face. Honeslty, I told her that I don’t give a damn who she dates as long as my kids are safe. I discovered that without that ammo, she doesn’t have anything the shoot back with. Its sad but I must cut this woman off inorder to maintain my sanity.
Only way it only took us four years after the divorce. People like that deserve no energy.
Hi, I left a mr. jeckle and hyde after 34 years of marriage. He controlled and manipulated me for years, very loving one moment, belittling the next. I stayed for the kids. Last one just finished university, so I thought that I could leave and start over. Naïve me. Instead, it is a very cruel, nasty road to divorce. He wants to drag it out in the courts to spend as much of money as possible. I offered a fair and genuine settlement, but he wants alimony and wants to be vindictive because I left him. He is sweet to everyone in public, but to me, is cold and cruel.
what I need to understand is how did you get through this? I am feeling so exhausted from this. I feel like I am loosing strength, and loosing hope in having any kind of happiness in my future. I would love to hear from some of you about how you got through this.
We can’t be doormats because that appears as weak to a narc and they will want to toy with you to get self gratification.
It’s these “things” that keep them entertained.
I find exposure is the best medicine. What I mean by that is record them, save texts without them knowing and share it with your support people. Don’t talk to them without someone being there that they care about not finding out about “the secret”. I’m not saying to do it in a tit for tat scenario but their biggest fear is for others to know the real them.
I guarantee if you expose them they will think twice about messing with you.
It’s a healthy balance we must maintain based on our own emotional reactions to their constant plots and not letting them control anything about us, and without letting them know what we are doing.
I am married to a man who has an extremely narcissist ex wife. She has spread rumors about he and I cheating, when in fact it was her who cheated on him (projecting). She raises her children to be just like her, she criticizes them or makes fun of them when they want to be something more (extension). She deflects anytime we try to initiate conversation that requires her to be self accountable – even when we own our part of the responsibility. She purposely picks fights – especially in a public arena to try to demonstrate her victim-ness. We pay $1000 a month in child support, pay for the children’s private school education, and buy the necessities. She buys them an abundance of toys and non-necessities to be the “cool” parent, failing to set boundaries but rather finding comfort in being their “friend”. When she needs a favor, and we can’t do it, we become “jerks” or “idiots”. She can’t accept we won’t adjust our lives constantly to meet her requirements and acts out unless she gets new own way. We used to try to make it easy on her, now we just ignore her, unless it’s about the kids. If it is about the kids, we choose to let her decide and then use our power of influence (in a positive, non demeaning way) with them…our goal is to show them there are other ways of going about things or thinking about things. We hope as they age and mature, they will find their own way.
It’s hard folks. If I were to marry my husband again, I would probably have to think twice, not because of my not loving him, but because of the negativity she brings to my life. You can “manage” it, but it’s always there. It’s best to self educate, and I still, after 3 years, need to take a day or two to “get over” when a situation gets out of control, which is typically after a public confrontation (which is hard to avoid in a co-parenting situation).
I used to pray for her. But now I loathe her, and pray for the children. She has no ability to have respect for other people, even her own children. She be-littles people, their ideas, their personalities, their dreams…to make herself feel powerful.
Narcissist people can ruin your life, but only if you let them. Be strong, give yourself time, and remind yourself that they aren’t going to make you or your life one way or another. You will make your life what it is, and it’s largely impacted by how you chose to respond.
All my friend out there dealing with this…YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I pray for you all, and I will find strength in thinking about each of you and knowing, we all secretly have a society of people who understand this personality disorder and we will rise up! We will rise about their bs. We will rise above their victim mentality. We will rise above their personality disorder…because we don’t have one.
Love you my friend. Be strong. Have faith. Stay strong. Rise above!!!
I thought that was reading something I wrote. Exactly the fricken same stuff and everything! No contact when the kids get older and you can do it I spent 4 years dealing with that crap.
I divorced my narcissistic ex husband of over 20 years. The best advice I got was “do not communicate with him”. Let the lawyers talk, cut off all contact. This saved my sanity and my peace. Caught the husband cheating with a co worker. Divorced him and never talked to him. Evil is out of my life
I’m in the same space with this man i was with for 7 years…many many more details but lets just say he left me broke and alone with no notice and groomed someone for at least 6 months to come in and take my place…which happened after 1 weekend of not being with him…he said I abandoned him…and that was that after 7 years…but it wasn’t really over, he is trying to keep me around “just in case” this new thing doesn’t work out…” i didn’t mean to blow us up” and then after hoovering me and coming around and sending me texts in the middle of the night saying “i love you” but then when we were together “i can’t make any promises” and “i don’t know what is going to happen”… and he basically wanted me to just hang around and wait while he slept with her every weekend in our bed…and i live a block away. And i was falling for it too because the pain was so great that even when i talked to him or was with him i felt better temporarily…but as the “toxic mist” of him started to fade away with the hours that faded from being with him, i would wake up to what was REALLY happening and realize that i was just being sucked back in again. anyway i am struggling through no contact. i can get to about 76 hours then i unblock him for whatever reason and i am back in the anger and hurt. it is exactly like being an addict.
Has anyone noticed if being a narc is hereditary.
I have a mother in law who is a ‘skilled’ manipulator (her own daughter went out and tried to commit suicuide when they lived together, unfortunately she died same day she tried to commit suicide in an accident). Then both mother in law and her son (my partner of 14 years). Turned their attention to me. Needless to say Im living on anti depressants while dealing with (now 3rd year) of trying to seperate our joint houses (not much help there we live next to each other).
I am waiting for change in law next month when I can subdivide from him. (I lost the family house and live in the small house next door). I left him in the house. He has now turned all his male (and possibly their wifes) agaist me. Today I got a annonymous R18 letter from his ‘friends’.
Hanging in there but I say narc must spend alot of time of thinking of revenge and since its a ‘family affair’. They come up with new ways to get at me.
Would have been a great article if you didn’t use the word “he”. Next time say they, just like like the legal system, it is completely and utterly sexually biased. I was put in in a hospital by my ex and the police, judges, and social systems worked to take the kids from me and dis communicated while I healed. Proof meant nothing even though I had been the primary care giver. She quit her jobs and refused to pay any remaining bills and got put up in a hotel with meals for a week or two. It’s now been 8 months since I have been able to speak with my step daughter and since I don’t have enough money to get a proper lawyer, it seems I’m not allowed to goto my bio daughters upcoming surgery or ever know how she is doing. My kids lie to me and don’t want anything to do with me. We are all like this article so blind to the gender biased realities of the current days that I’m sick of the fact that no one seems to see the logic in the fact that there is not and will never be a “man’s abuse” shelter or need for accusations to have any need for proof before litigation of the worst kind begins to continue to ruin families. When will equal rights actually be equal?
Hello, i’m now going through separation and can say it’s a big relief. i can admit i’ve had narc behaviors and still question everything my ex does. i don’t trust her at all. she for sure has no reason to trust me ether. as far as the kids we have two boys together and she has a teen daughter. we are both from crazy back grounds and both are in 12 step programs. it’s been very scary watching the kids dragged in this. the one thing i really want is my peace of mind and happiness. i still feel the sting of control, threats and undermining my parenting. thank God i have a choice today. each day i can do something for myself and others.
Why did you write this in the masculine and not feminine or even better neither. My son is going through this with his ex wife. And I can’t share with him as written.
My husband’s ex wife fits the description of a narcissist and over the past 10 years we’ve been together, She’s tried everything in her power to ruin our relationship. At the beginning it was the children, who were then teenagers. She groomed the girls to a point where they were so vindictive that they learnt to loathe my daughter whom they have known from being a toddler.. Both girls are in their 20’s and still struggle to be cordial towards my daughter whom if given half the chance would worship the ground they walk on.
This woman over the past 10 years made it her duty to bring herself into any time we tried to spend together by texting or calling my husband whilst we are away. She even managed to convince her now husband to loathe me and I find that he often uses passive aggression towards me.
It’s taken me years to get my husband to back me up, because he was too scared to stand up to her in case she kept his girls away from him. Now that both girls are older, he finally agrees that she has to stop her antics and enough is enough.
When I first moved in with my husband she came round the house with both her girls to use his internet because she claimed she had just moved houses and was awaiting her internet connection. The three of them being in the house made me feel like an imposter, which I’m sure was the way she wanted me to feel. She wanted me to know that she would always have the upper hand, I later found from one of the girls who accidentally let slip that she had internet connection at the time..
I only hope that my husband will stick to his promise and we can continue to support all 3 girls without her input. Both their girls are expecting their first children and i know this is another weapon of mass destruction for her.. She has already started with cards addressed to the two of us in our married name and then followed by ‘happy New Year to the proud grandfather to be’ – meaning, I may have his name, but will never be part of that special connection they share.. I find it sad that after all these years, she still has to prove her position in his life..
Finally, I agree that in most of these cases, the narcissistic person is the woman although there may be some men who may fit the bill.
I can relate to all of the above stories. My soon to be ex was, is the most cruel individual I have ever had the misfortune to come across. However, one blessing has been I can now spot narcissists pretty easily. I also realised that I had been brought up by a vindictive narcissistic mother. I had had serious misgivings about her long before I met my ex. She is I’m afraid just about the most unsuitable person to be a parent and has had catastrophic effects on every member of our family apart from my sister who is a narcissist too. If I am silly enough to share anything about my divorce to my mother, she repeats to my sister who then passes it on to my ex. He did such a thorough hatchet job on my reputation, I nearly lost my job and certainly lost a lot of so called friends. Just like all bullies he and she play the martyrs, getting their stories in first and frankly lying to any family member who will listen. Getting their stories in first, ducks in a row they make sure that theirs is the story is the one that is believed. My ex went to my sister and her husband to cry on their shoulder that I was following him on his phone that I had stolen money from him, when I rang to ask if he was coming home he blocked me, I had no idea what was going on why because it was a set up, like many of these people they keep their money to themselves letting their partners pick up the bills. That day I had found £620 in his pocket, this is a guy who never has or carries cash always paying with cards. It was one of the ways he could avoid paying for anything. So I found the money I was putting a wash on, I asked what the money was for he replied none of your business! Well you can imagine what I said, next thing he takes the kids out for the day telling me I’m not welcome. That evening as I said he went to my sisters with his story of woe. Next morning I’m making breakfast and my ex returns with my sister in tow, who in turn doesn’t or rather refuses to hear my side of the story, 15 mins later my brother appears. I’m shocked but not surprised as you can guess his character assassination has been going on for years. My sister sits at my kitchen table sucking a cigarette and obviously enjoying the whole scenario, I am then asked if I would like to join in a game of scrabble. I am incredulous by this stage and say no. Having started they have to continue as carry on with cooking breakfast. After a while they left and as soon as they did of course my ex started berating me. He had told them I had stolen a £100 from him I raised my eyebrows and said if I was going to steal from you I’d taken the whole lot. What was the game of scrabble about? My sisters way of assessing my mental state my ex had asked my brother to come round too. Little did my ex know that I had already applied for a non molestation order and that following Mon I got it , he was out. That is another story as he persuaded the police I was crazy, but still he was out. He to this day thinks I did it because of what he did that weekend what he didn’t understand is you can’t set something like that up within 24hrs. I had been getting help for months from an organisation that keeps women safe. I was warned by my therapist that things could get very nasty as she considered to be a very dangerous individual. I started getting my life back together and looking after my kids,he moved in on his next mark within weeks, within 2months he was taking her to stay at my mothers holiday cottage, classy hey.
I was walking into work ,as he took the car and as a result felt better than I had for years. That June I was knocked down by a speeding taxi I ended up nearly losing my foot. On crutches for nearly 6 mths I was genuinely rocked but of course had to get back up for my kids. My therapist to this day is convinced he was behind the accident! I don’t know but what is interesting is that Spring I was accused of assault, the whole thing was bizarre and completely false but it had to be investigated, I could have lost my job, my ex I know was behind this. He knew perfectly well that in my profession something like that can destroy years of a good reputation. Where am I now, still fighting to keep my family together it’s 3 yrs since the accident and he’s still broke despite having a successful business. But you know things are better so much better with out him. My sister left the country her husband took a job he couldn’t refuse, actually I believe he just wanted to get her away from all the mayhem my ex has created, plus she was my is exes confidant I couldn’t tell her a thing but she would ring him up. This is one classy bird who told me on her wedding day that she didn’t want me in her wedding photos! So ladies and gents they are represented by both sexes and also help each other out when ever they can. If my family had been solid and the loving family every child deserves that would have stood by me and not aided my tormentor but we don’t get what we deserve. I’m just glad to be alive. Keep the faith and keep going.
My Husband of 6 years has bipolar and is narcissistic. We have had a rough relationship and we are split up now. He treated me exactly like it’s described in these articles to a T. I have no contact with him other than him going through my Instagram messenger which I’m allowing. I have blocked him and deleted all of his friends since he was using them to post pics of their adventures. He’s a miserable person so I know it was for show not real. It’s not that I don’t want him to be happy it that I will never let him manipulate again. Thank goodness we don’t have children.
Does anybody else have a partner that has BP and Narc?
I was married to a Narc for 12 yrs, together for 15 yrs. Have been divorced for 15 yrs and just recently discovered what and who narcissists are by accident. I was ruminating about the ending of my marriage and what I could have done to save it. I began googling all the dysfunctional behaviors my ex wife exhibited before, during and after our marriage and that’s when I learned the term narcissist and the characteristics. She continues to exhibit ALL the traits of a vindictive narcissist. I don’t have enough time or space to describe how she has ruined me financially, spiritually and my reputation. She had alienated me from my 2 teenage children for 3 years with false allegations of domestic abuse and infidelity when I was actually the target of her violent rages when all her attempts at stonewalling, gas lighting and avoidance would not work anymore. Even MY own family has been turned against me. I wish I had known about this years ago because, I’m struggling with regret over all the time and resources (emotional and financial), I had wasted trying make a relationship work that was never real. Only a tool to be discarded by a woman who only had contempt and apathy for someone she had professed to love. This experience has left me totally devastated as she continues to spread lies about me to appear as a martyr, while enjoying a lavish lifestyle at my expense. My finances have been destroyed and have prevented me from remarrying. She maintains a reputation as a religious, caring registered nurse. Fortunately, I’ve been able to repair the relationship with my children and shield them as best I could from the effects of all her dysfunctional behaviors. Although, I’ll never be able to get back all their events such as graduations, prom, birthdays etc., I was excluded from. The only positive is that I now realize I sadly, am clearly not alone with this truly horrific, soul destroying experience. If you are fortunate to unmask your narcissist, the only thing to do is run before the damage they do irreparable. Read all the comments they are not exaggerations!!!
I met this wonderful woman and thought lucky me ? Then found out she was going through a child custody battle with the father for thier young teen. So I wanted to be there for her, within a few weeks we were spending almost every non work moment together it seem awesome ( I was on cloud 9) then bam she decided she would be better getting her act sorted before continuing, so I was crushed but knew better then to go running after her to ask why .. so I sent her a text a week later when I was on a business trip, she said when you get back let’s catch up, so I did and for the next few weeks we were back on, then she said my car seemed old, so I knew I wanted to improve my ride so I got a new upgraded 2017 midsize car and we cruised back to happy times, with in a few weeks she had gotten upset about something she thought I said and flipped out, and told me she needed space, so I gave her 7 days off then I got a text and was happy to start a new, within a week she had asked me to respond to a simple request and me trying to avoid a repeat started dodging eggshells land mines , which upset her even more ….she once again contacted me in a week we were back to boyfriend and girlfriend so me realizing the volatility decide to just stand still to avoid issues, which worked for 3 more weeks then bam, she said she needed to learn to love herself and wanted to do things alone …. so I said fine picked up my heart and started my letting go ….with in 10 days I reached out to her and asked if she missed me yet and she said no not really so I said enough …. I then went no contact and no social posting ( btw during each break I was pouring my heart out on Facebook and my friends noticed and asked if I was ok ) I then found a few websites about this .. and have been building each day to get though and move on it’s been 30 days since I stated no contact and it’s been hard, but I been strong and have not given in , as I gain more knowledge it is becoming
clear you Must move on for yourself and your well being so I signed up for a few dating sites to move even further in the new direction …..it may be daunting but perseverance is key one day at a time and be mindful when you can’t be yourself with someone … you may need to run away from toxic experiences and forgive them who don’t know your a human who deserves respect ! Hope it helps writing it did 5 months long and break ups every 3 weeks geez. ….I’m mad I did not see this coming sooner …
But we all still grow including me…..there’s more but this is just my short version ……
My soon to be ex-wife has all the signs of being a narcissistic-sociopath. She recently said she wanted a divorce, after less than a year of being married, immediately became cold and nasty. Started fights and recorded me responding when the abuse got to be too much, and is basically making me miserable. She had me convinced I was the crazy one, while spending the previous year working 3 jobs since she was sick and couldn’t work. She has been emotionally abusive, disdainful to me, even physically violent. I also recently discovered that she had been planning to go out of town to an ex’s home in Florida (a 1300 mile drive) from printed directions I found…printed the day before she announced to me she wanted a speedy divorce. I have been beating myself up about all of this for a long time thinking I was a bad husband, bad person…even perhaps mentally impaired. Part of me wants to expose her lie, and the obvious emotional – soon to be physical affair – that she has been having, another part says “Run”.
I am grateful for people’s stories. I just wish I had listened to my gut when I first met her and not gotten involved. Now all I can do is pick up the pieces and share my story with others.
Blessings to you all
So it’s actually crazy to think be writing this now because when I first met my ex I thought that I would never be here. My ex and I broke up three months ago and I feel like it has been an emotional roller coaster in which he is constantly changing the tracks. We initially broke up mutually because he said he “wanted everything with me” but because current circumstances weren’t allowing us to be together fully he was suffering. We decided (and when I say we there was clearly some manipulation there as I look back) to break-up and see how we were feeling in a few months when the circumstances would allow for us to be together (ie., meet each others parents, extended friends, go on full dates). Over the next month his behavior completely changed. He went from being a man that was completely loving, supportive, and considerate to complete distancing (to the point where he actively ignores me and avoids me – this is important as we live in a small religious community with many shared friends). I had moved past this though and thought it was just his way of coping – immature but understandable. Then he reaches out to me via text and says that he needs to speak to me and that he wants to know when he can call on the phone – all of this after no contact for a month. When we speak he makes this outlandish claims that I am invading his space, crossing lines, and goes as far as to say that if I respected him and thought back to when we once cared about each other I would not reach out to mutual friends anymore. He became condescending and stated that I was putting others in difficult situations by not being mindful of him. He then even went as far as to ask me if he was making me uncomfortable in anyway and then once I expressed the ways in which he was (through being rude in shared social settings) he chopped it up to me having a twisted perception and him having to put himself first so basically I shouldn’t hold my breathe.
Sorry for the rant I just guess I wanted to share because I don’t know if others have had this experience. After reading this I truly feel it describes a lot of my ex’s behavior. Like up until the very end he was everything that I thought I would ever need and want and then, almost suddenly, it all changed. I honestly feel like I am dealing with a whole different person. The crazy thing is that I do believe that he thinks that I am wronging him in some way. That I am being difficult or vindictive by maintaining mutual friendships. He causes me to feel as if my very presence is resented and expects me to fall in line with his requested form of interaction or becomes highly annoyed. Even though he ultimately decided that, in spite of what he said two weeks prior about wanting everything, that he didn’t think we were actually good for each other. So yeah. I dont mean to come off as a crazy ex myself. I understand that sometimes people break-up with the idea of getting back together and then with distance realize that isn’t what they want. However, the level of change in his behavior and perception of me is truly scary.
I am wondering if anyone has advice for me in handling this dynamic as we do live around the corner from each other, attend weekly religious services at the same space, and share a social circle. I really just want to protect myself from the manipulation, the distortions he places on me and the memories of how truly great things once were.
Thanks in advance =)
I have been in bondage ever since my EX left me for another woman, It was really hell for me and everybody told me to forget about him but i could not because i love him so much. Things got worse until my friend introduced me to this Dr Mack who have saved so many life and relationships and i contacted him through his email ( dr_mack@yahoo. com ) i explained everything to him and he did a love spell for me immediately after three days, everything turn around and my boyfriend came to me on his knee begging for forgiveness that i have been the only woman he has loved in his life and he is ready to love me forever. I was really surprised because i have never seen such a magic in my life. I am so thankful to Dr Mack and i will forever publish his name
I have been separated for over a year from ex ( well longer as he lived abriad before the bomb exploded. He had done everything to me emotiin, mental, financial and pyhisical abuse. I tried really hard to remove him a year ago but he bkackmailed me. I may have done something wrong and he wants me punished ( which would cause huge problems for my beautiful little girl. He called my daughter on christmas day and said your mum will go to prison- such a charmer. He use to call and see her but cut all contact 14 weeks ago. My protection runs out this weekend and i am scared fir us both. Wish he would grow up take some responsilability and thonk of our beatiful little girl first rather than himself. Such a w!,@&er
Jane, I’m in a similar situation, in that my ex narc (a brief affair) is threatening to revenge porn me, sort of. And it doesn’t come not as blackmail since he’s not asking for something in return. I’m living in fear.
I’d just like to make it explicitly clear that an ex wife will also display these behaviour traits.
Mine told me what she wa s going to do years before she deserted. Was abhorrent about my family for years then found out she was manipulating them against me behind my back, now, no matter what I say or do I have been ostracised to the full. Even my son has been fed lies and when I try to explain he doesn’t wan to know.
Narcissists, as amajority are men, by statistics. The whiny attitudes of you men crying sexist leads me to believe in that research. Get a grip. This article isnt sexist, you are, snowflakes.
Oh no you didnt! Women statistically are way more vindictive and hold grudges a lot longer then men. My SO others ex has been going strong for 4 years using everything to cause drama. The pain it caused him to try and make everyone happy killed me. Every fight stemmed from her. The kids are a mess because she did not care what damage she did to get her way. So if you haven’t lived it you know nothing Ms Truth. I wouldn’t have believed all this before either I guess but, this devil woman is real.
‘MsTruth” = Narc
Narcs are scared – the internet is power, those of us that make it this far all have one thing in common.
“why didn’t I hear/know of this before? – you don’t until its too late”
Sites and information shared like this are the only help of many of us – either at the start/end/ or years afterward.
Here in Scotland- uk , situation is completely fucked – prisons population is at all time high (remand for “domestics” making 90% of the awaiting trial inmates.) and that’s just 1st step of years of community based pain geared by current legislation – designed to help women in the 1970s-80s.
Years later and somewhat tunnelling out of 2nd Narc disaster – there is no support for male population in dealing with Narc ex’s.
I can guarantee you – that no one from my country will get this far for a very long time.
I was lucky and try to help some via criminal justice system but tbh its fucked.
Save yourself and have faith in yourselves when no one does. you are not alone.
Picture yourself as the last man standing many years from now – Narcs’ tend to emphasis the apparent power they have and will try to “prove it”.
Its not the Narcs’ power – sycophant males are the worst , life is complicated Narcs can have many other mental health issues – that you have just be sooo lucky to have found.
The pain a Narc causes emotionally is total – the more u feed it – the worse it will get.
Stay strong and thanks for the read.
J – Scotland.
2 Narcs exs- 2 sons not seen for 4 years and I live 0.5 miles from them.
If tears were blood – we all would have bleed to death many years ago.
I am married to a man who had suffered from a narcissistic ex wife for the last 21 years that we have been tigether. Over time I too ended up the butt of her cobtroll tactics and evil manipulations. I think too often it us assumed narcissists are men when more often they are women. Overt narcissistic women are hell and can wreak havoc in your lives. My husband’s ex kept him from his children and tried to keep him from his grandchildren. We have custody of his granddaughter after the ex turned her evils onto her daughter trying to force her to keep the grandchildren from us Recently, she tried to take the granddaughter from us who we have had for over 6 years since she was 7 weeks old and since the ex started her evil tirade over the grandchildren. Overt narcissistic women who act entitled, who lie to destroy their victims and who constantly put themselves above all others are dangerous women. They are dangerous to their own children, grandchildren and to the right ex’s they try to keep controll over. I’ve lived it along with my husband and it’s been hell. We finally won our court case where the granddaughter is concerned. I guess that put a thorn in her narcissistic cap.
Help help, my wonderful male partner escaped a 15 year nightmare marriage to a narcissistic woman. Divorce was finalized recently. No kids, property divided and done and signed. 5 days before divorce papers were signed by judge she literally contacted him through the lawyers to insist he “dismiss the divorce” plans for “a few years” so she could remain on his health insurance through work until she was apparently able to find work and get her own insurance. This after he legally gave her everything just to escape the nightmare. 15 year marriage and she never worked, obviously gave him nothing but pain and walked away with the house, 401ks etc….her bank account has now set her for life including plenty for health care…
So, obviously he said NO and the divorce went through. She did not need the health care but she tried to stop the divorce last minute to keep her hooks in him….so she was told that was insurance fraud and not going to happen. Now….. before he pays the final bill to his lawyer, through his lawyer should he find an official reason to have his attorney inform the ex wife that he has remarried? She is likely or potentially likely to get stalker like either way now that legal battle is over but it seems possible that perhaps her knowing he is at least not sitting around alone waiting to be her prey again as she no doubt imagines, might work to his benefit? We know it could seem petty or appear provocative but point is only to change perception in her head that he is alone and vulnerable. Maybe….finding out he’s moved on and has a new wife (and adopted daughter) MIGHT with any luck head off possible future onslaughts? Tell her through his lawyer or no? Say nothing?