Hey, I hope you don’t mind, but can I borrow $100?
Sure, of course you can.
Hey, remember that $100 you borrowed? Could I get it back?
Huh….?
Yeah, it’s familiar, isn’t it? You are kind enough to pass it over, and the narcissist isn’t even slightly decent enough to honestly pay it back. Here are a few reasons why.
And trust me, each one will make you want to padlock your purse!
You Work For it…
…Yet you never see a dime back when you loan it out. And it’s ironic, right? I mean, you can loan your friend money and within a few weeks, you have it back.
Why? Because your friend’s name isn’t Narcissistic Nancy. You trust her, she trusts you, and the deal is to repay, so that’s what happens.
Life would be much easier if we were all the same, wouldn’t it? If we valued the loan as much as the offer behind it.
Well, continuing to burst your bubble topic by topic, it’s going to hit you hard that you’ll never see that money back in your pocket.
Zero Internal Accountability
Whenever did you know the narcissist to be accountable for anything? I genuinely mean that, too.
When did you know them to hold their hands up and say, “Oh my God, you’re totally right. That was all my fault.”
I’ll wait.
Okay, I’ve waited long enough, and you’ve been silent throughout, so I think that speaks volumes, don’t you?
There’s nothing going on inside them. They aren’t going to be accountable and throw all that perfect image away.
Instead, they won’t even acknowledge your kind and good gesture of a loan.
Acting like it never happened should get them off the hook (or so they think…) but in reality all it does is make them look like an even bigger fool.
The worst part is you knowing they owe you, while watching them act like nothing happened.
Erosion of Boundaries? Check!
I think loaning money to homebody is a really personal act.
It’s compassionate and it involves you trusting the other person to give that money back when they can, or at least in installments so you know it’s being returned.
You’ve spent your life building and creating boundaries, not for them to be stomped all over, but for them to be respected.
It’s just not like this when you bring a narcissist into the fold. They don’t know the first thing about boundaries, nor do they care.
So yours are going to be thrown straight out the window as they replace them with ego and entitlement.
You could say, “I will loan you this money, but I need it back by (insert date here).” That won’t register with them.
They will just see the cash in your hand. Nothing more, nothing less. In fact, as soon as they know you’re a loaner, they will keep returning and violating those boundaries.
That’s where you need to put some real work in to put a stop to it. And I know how hard it is to say no, because you want to make people happy and put their needs before yours.
But what happens when you literally don’t have any money left, and none of it is coming back to you? You’re going to find yourself in a whole heap of trouble, that’s what.
The problem was never the boundaries you chose to implement, your problem was the narcissist being able to violate them. That’s the work you need to do for yourself.
Power and Control
I’ll be surprised if by now you don’t connect narcissists with some kind of power and control obsession.
Money is where so much of that power is retained, and in moments where you’re loaning it out, you’re also handing that power to the narcissist.
No longer is that money yours, and you don’t get to choose when, or even if, it is returned to you.
How does that make you feel? I know how much I value my finances, and I’d hate to see somebody take advantage of that.
So I want you to consider the following. When you’re next asked by a narcissist if they can borrow some money, think about what that’s doing to them, and you.
For you, you might think you’re doing something nice and kind. It’s a thoughtful thing to think you’re helping somebody in need, and that’s where you most likely get a lot of your kicks.
If I can be the voice of reason here, though, it would be that this is why you were asked.
Because the narcissist knows you’re going to say yes, and they will keep asking over time all the while you nod and hand the cash over.
Show them the high road by refusing to part with it, and instead protect what’s yours. You’re never going to get it back because they’re used to you forgiving and forgetting.
Maintaining Image
If you’re throwing money at a narcissist, they’re only using it for selfish reasons.
They have an image to uphold, don’t you know! That image is to look good, feel good, and do it all on your finances.
Lending them money can be embarrassing when you prompt them for payment. It gives a little, “I can’t afford to fund my own lifestyle vibes,” you know?
When you ask where your money is, the narcissist will shut you down so hard!
Entitlement
Excuse me? What do you mean, “It was a loan?” Are you kidding? Narcissists don’t pay back money they take. You gave it to them, right? It was a gift? They took it and that’s the end of the story!
How dare you even suggest they need to return it to you.
It’s a tricky one.
It seems the line became blurry, here.
I think there was a misunderstanding.
You never said I had to repay it.
Who do you think you’re talking to?
The battle for repayment becomes more of a struggle than its worth, and that’s half the reason they love to do it with you. If you give up, then it won’t matter anyway.
Narcissists are the most entitled people to exist, and fighting them for your money will only see one winner – and it won’t be you.
Empathy? Nope!
Did they ever think you might actually need that money at some point or another yourself?
You loaned it, sure, but that doesn’t mean you’re rich enough to never want or need to see it again. So you ask, but they do nothing but laugh at you.
Are you joking?
I don’t care.
You had the money to lend me, so you can’t be that poor.
It’s not about that though, is it? It’s your money, so you want it back!
Narcissists don’t see gestures as nice or kind, and they’re not grateful for you helping them.
They just think, “Oh great, an interest free payment that I don’t have to return because that person is a doormat.”
Don’t be that doormat, that’s what I say. Keep your money for yourself and apply your boundaries when they come sniffing for a slice of it.
