The Narcissist In Love

Narcissists yearn for perfect, romantic love and absolute adoration. People often think that narcissistic individuals love only themselves, like Narcissus in the Greek myth who fell in love with his own reflection, but the polar opposite is true. The narcissist usually struggles with fragile self-esteem and intense feelings of shame. The grandiose thinking they exhibit as well as the clamoring for attention and admiration are defense mechanisms that help keep all those painful feelings hidden from others and from themselves. It’s as if they say to themselves, “How can I have anything to feel ashamed about when I’m so admired and loved?” They need to bolster themselves and boost their egos and narcissists do so through other’s admiration and envy; some narcissists take this a step further and accomplish this by having people fall in love with them.

Since the narcissist thrives on people desiring him (or her), he learns to excel at arousing such feelings in others. He (or she) can make their intended target feel important and highly valued, lavishing constant affection in order to make them feel special. He may do thoughtful little gestures, bring gifts, pay compliments and devote himself to the other’s pleasure in bed. The narcissist strokes their ego and pampers them, sowing the seeds of love. Narcissists can be exceedingly nice, quite charming, flirtatious and seductive, and will flatter someone shamelessly if they want something from them. This behavior is not always conscious and intentional. Sometimes narcissists deceive even themselves about their true emotional motivations, often believing they’ve genuinely fallen in love.

Being “in love”

The narcissist seeks the perfect kind of romantic love, idealized and unrealistic- like one sees in movies or reads in a book. Being “in love” (some know it as ‘infatuation’) can feel like a drug, causing a “high” sensation and temporarily blinding people to theirr own faults and imperfections, to the dissatisfactions they may feel in other areas of their lives. It makes people feel as if they are the center of the universe and that their lives are perfect.  Nothing feels better … while it lasts. It’s certainly understandable why narcissists have such a strong desire to seek this out- it fulfills most of their narcissistic needs.

What Does Love Mean to a Narcissist?

(Adapted from A Narcissist’s Love Letter)

When a narcissist tells you he is in love with you… he means he loves the story he can tell to his next lover, about his ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how like a storybook and what an outstanding couple they made.

When a narcissist says he’s in love with you… he means he loves the way he feels when he’s with you. He loves himself through you. He loves seeing himself through your eyes. He loves seeing himself through his eyes imagining how he looks through your eyes. He loves having someone new to tell his stories to, to express his opinions, and to share his profound theories and beliefs about the important things in life.

When he tells you he’s in love with you… he really loves having someone beautiful to wear, like a new outfit. He loves the way you feel on him. He loves the way he feels about himself when you are with him.

When he says he’s in love with you… what he really loves is not being alone. He loves having a full-time, personal audience.

When a narcissist tells you he’s in love with you… he means he loves being what keeps you up at night, your obsession. He loves being your altar, your sacrament, your icon, your miracle. He loves being the object of your sacrifice. He loves being your pain.

When  a narcissist says he’s in love with you… he means he is in love with being your sun, monopolizing your orbit, being your gravity, keeping you drawn back to him no matter how hard you try to jump or fly away. He loves keeping you his. He’s in love with being your drug and your dagger.

“Perfect” Love Doesn’t Last (and neither do narcissists)

Unlike fairytales, “perfect” romantic love can’t last forever. Hopefully, it evolves into something more realistic and lasting- where two people discover and accept one another’s virtues and faults, grow to appreciate the good qualities in each other but also to accept the disappointing traits.

True narcissists cannot tolerate such an experience. To be emotionally honest and open with their partners means they must have a more authentic relationship with themselves, too… and with the shame and poor self-esteem they so desperately want to keep at bay. When the person they profess to be in love with attempts to get close to them in this way, they feel they are getting emotional pressure put on them and they withdraw because that person is “too demanding”.

The previous feelings of perfect, romantic love begin to fade along with the idealization of their partner… and the narcissist falls “out of love.”



  • Wow, Alex, you really hit the nail on the head with this. My 4 month relationship with a Narcissist came to an abrupt and emotionally excruciating halt about 12 months ago – just nearly at the time you wrote this.

    You described love exactly as the Narcissist sees it! It is really all about them and their ‘idea’ of their partner and their ‘idea’ of what love should be. The reality is, they have no idea what healthy, mature, emotionally intelligent love is. The third time we were together, my 49 year old Narcissist proclaimed he’d never felt true love until then, he finally understood what it was. I found that oddly amusing and thought he was being silly. I course could not reciprocate that sentiment. In hindsight, I realize he actually meant it at the time!

    They’re incredibly immature, undeveloped individuals with a serious personality disorder. Very toxic and emotionally harmful overall. I disengaged after 4 months and he became quite enraged about that. He was an utterly exhausting human being. I felt as if every ounce of energy and virtually all of my well being had been drained by the time I extricated. Never in my life have I ever met anyone so egocentric.

    What a wretched experience, but it taught me a lot about my own issues. In hindsight, I’m actually grateful for it all. I’m now working on my own behavioral and emotional issues that led me into a relationship with such a disordered person in the first place!

    • I agree with you Deb. I was in a 2 year relationship with a Narc but was unaware of what I was in . . I always felt something was off but couldn’t put my finger on it and then slowly pieces began to fall into place. He neglected to sign out of his e-mail account on my computer and when I went to use the computer a few days later, a panicked feeling came over me to discover all of my e-mails had disappeared and when the shock passed, I realized I was in his e-mail account. During the 2 years, he had multiple relations with multiple women. (We were in a long distance relationship – which was very convenient for him.) When I called him on it he told me to “run” and never look back. Of course, now I have been forewarned so when I get sucked back in again, it is all of my own doing, since he did warn me. That’s how they think.

      Needless to say, I’ve been NC for 2 months – since it was discovered – and after the pain, the shock, the sorrow, the anger, the embarrassment, the foolishness, all that I’ve felt, I feel glad to recognize the areas that I need to work on – boundaries, deal breakers, stating my truth. Much good has come from much pain, things that I will never forget. I also try to remember that I can feel all those things, the Narc’s can’t.

      Best of luck to you.

      • Thanks so much for sharing your experince with a narc. I feel so alone, emotional, ashamed of not seeing it sooner. The red flags were all there. He kept pulling me in and I failed for it. I guess denial was there and I didn’t want to face it. He even told me I was in denial, didn’t know what he was saying, but I do now. How can they keep doing this to women, that fall in love with them. Than leave them for another victim to do the same thing to her?

    • Deb, I know exactly what your talking about. My narcissist did so much for me. I thought he really did love me. I fell so much in love with this guy. He took my out to fancy places to eat. Bought me all kind of things, took me to Jamica for a week all paid. I felt like I was in heaven. No one ever treated me so kind. All at once he started putting me down, couldn’t do nothing that was right. Cuss me, treated me like a monster. I stayed with him only on weekends. He got throat cancer, I was there to stand by him. Went to all doctor appointment with him. On and off for 9 yrs. Found out he had other women in after I made his supper and went home for work the next day. He would lie to me when guys he work with told me. I was the one crazy, I always started things. I finally left and told him to be happy. I had had enough, didn’t even know who I was anymore. That scared me! I wasn’t the person he tried to tell me I was. Its been a year with no contact. I still hear him calling me names in my head. Can’t shake this off because I really did love him with all my soul. Still confused, mind with him morning til night. What did you do to get rid of the evil voices? Brenda

      • I realized I was whole without him; I found happiness within my heart, my mind, my soul; because I know I deserved so much more than someone not being honest with me and lying about everything. I had too much to give to waste it on someone who is using someone for their own motivations , and for their own benefit; love is kind, love is patient; it does not put down and make your partner feel less than; those are red flags, and run very fast if you have a partner that is overly kind or nice; if it feels too good to be true, it probably is.
        I was with my narc for over 2.5 years when I realized he was taking me for a ride and not truly in love with me; it was the hardest heartbreak ever, but I realized I deserved someone to love me unconditionally, and accept me for who I am; narcissists don’t do that; they are self-centered, self- motivating, self-serving; if your gut is telling you something may be wrong, it probably is. I learned to listen to my intuition. If he doesn’t make you smile, and makes you cry instead, then run! Run very fast!

    • In my opinion they are disturbed some where in their brain. I believe the older they get the dummer they come across. withme mine was quick. we were friends first little did I realize and until I came across this information I couldn’t figure him out. Now I know. LOL. But I have something up my sleeve for him. I’am the one who’s going to break him. Because they can be broken. In my opinion how I feel about it is they are not men just little boys who broke their toy and wanting another one.. But one thing is for sure they are human and all humans have feelings and they are no exception to the rule they can break. See with mine we live in the same building how convienient for him LOL. I left him aloneand every time I saw him when I came into the building I would say hey what’s up Gary how you doing and one time when I said it he said why you keep saying the same thing and I said I’am just speaking and I kept on going. One time we were in the elev. I said what’s up Gary and he said nothing same old same old right sad. Too bad he made the choice. But he won’t leave it alone. He still tells me he stills loves me and would do anything for me yeah right. But like I said it’s my turn. Once I saw him talking to another neighbor and I said hey how y’all doing and he said hi janet right sad who cares. He’s not the first but I hope he will be the last. Like y’all said I’ve learned a lesson too out of this don’t trust them to soon. I have to amit he got me he got me good but what goes around comes around and when it comes around it comes around harder than it went around. I’am going to have me a little fun.LOL. Once he told he has never meant a woman like me well I must keep up my standards so he won’t think other wise. Thank-You all for reading this. He keeps telling me to call him if I need him for anything. At one time he was my ace now he’s my duce. It’s all in the game and I don’t like to lose especially when you are playing head games on me oh no It’s not going down like that. Once he asked me what sign was I, well I don’t engage in horoscopes, so I didn’t tell him then time arised for me to tell him and I said oh by the way I’am scorpio and he slaped his knee and said I knew I knew. Well know this I got you. Thanks Deb. I truly learned something from this web site. It has solved all my problems. I’am a problem solver. So I will solve this problem.. He won’t even see the train coming before it hits.LOL. For us all. Now to get back to y’all comments so I can learn mor Thank-You for your comments. Revenge no I don’t believe in it I just want to show him he’s not all that and two can play his game just in a different way. He’ll be so confused he won’t know which way to go LOL.

  • Well, I was engaged in a seemingly amazing relationship for 15 months with a man (in our forties), and the honey moon would just not end. When the time to move forward the relationship came to frutition…and we talked about living together he had an adverse reaction that was not normal (didn’t match the love, intensity, beauty of relationship).

    Needless to say, this hurt me deeply and I broke it off.

    Seven months later I call him and he is still seemeingly “not over me” and cant see or hear my voice without being thrown for a loop.

    I know he loved me as much as he could – but he is very emotionally immature and has many issues. I, on the other hand, must admit I’m pretty healthy. My biggest lesson in that realationship was…I assumed we were moving forward never needing to talk about it…because things were that good.
    Boy, was I wrong.

    I am certainly talking about “the future” in my next relationship…and what I want VERY early on.

    I am glad that I called him…bc Obviously…I got to him. So it wasn’t me….it was definetly him.

  • I am a narcissist. I always have been. I’ve recently gone through some short term relationships, and this is exactly correct. This entire article has the most accurate portrayal of my experience as a narcissist that I’ve been able to find. And it sucks. But it’s true.

    • It’s incredible that you can acknowledge that you are in fact a narcissist. How can I get my boyfriend of 4 years to see things for what they are? How can I get him to acknowledge that he is a Narcissist before the relationship I have been fighting for is over? We also have 2 children together. I’ll be honest… I am dying inside. I know that I can no longer put up with the traits associated with his condition. But I would be willing to work at it with him if he could just see it for what it is.

      • *** can I modify? When I say that we have been together for 4 years. Many times within those 4 years we spent apart. Which is typical for a Narcissist. I have even fled my hometown to a different state, only to find out that I was pregnant. He moved out here last September. It is now just over the year mark of a pretty solid relationship. The last 2 months have been emotionally draining regardless which approach I take to salvage our family. Is there hope for an infinite relationship together, or is this just unreal for a narcissist?

        • Getting pregnant by a narcissist was a huge mistake. Thank you for adding your contribution to the f****d up society we already have, like we need to add another dysfunctional person to it.

          To answer your question ? Wishful thinking hun. I’m afraid you haven’t yet had the full narcissistic experience yet.

        • First of all, to address the other comment: If you take good care of your child, there’s no reason to assume it will also become a narcissist. This is largely up to the primary caretaker, generally the mother. But you have to acknowledge that the father may not be a good influence in certain situations and most definitely cannot provide for the important emotional needs of a child.

          To make a Narcissist realize what he is, you first have to break them to a point where their delusions no longer work, and not just for a day, but permanently. It needs to sink in. That process can take years and I’m not sure if that is possible from your position without sacrificing the relationship. Even if you succeed, it’s not a cure. Depending on their own disposition, they then *may* feel the desire to experience more profound emotions. *If* that desire is strong enough they *may* agree to therapy, which *may* help.

          From a personal perspective, which I’m sure involves some wishful thinking, the only window to change a narcissist in a relationship is that initial “chemical love”. Since we feel little else, those are times we trust unconditionally and can be reached emotionally. Sadly at that stage in a relationship most normal people aren’t inclined to provide armchair psychologist services. You may be able to revive that with a bit of a cold shoulder: Be nice and understanding, but have lots of other commitments, spend time with friends, etc. It may put you back on that pedestal, which
          is the strongest love-like emotion we have.

          But either way, and I hate to give that kind of advice, unless you’re willing to make a major emotional investment for a small chance, it may be better to look for someone more stable.

  • I just got out of a 16month relationship with a narcissist/sociopath. The damage caused by it is unreal. Unfaithfulness, lying, manipulation, mental & emotional deception, games, trickery. A vile seductress/succubus, put on the mask of “love,” only to flippantly discard me once I started calling her out & exposing her. At which point, she immediately entered into a campaign blaming, framing, & shaming me to her friends, coworkers, & family.. in order to keep up the mask of innocence & charm, painting me out to be the bad guy, and her being the “victim.” Along with that, was instantly out drinking, partying, & being promiscuous to an unfathomable degree, feeding off the fresh & “exciting” new attention she was getting from all these other new males.
    Her promiscuity, scandalousness, & treachery knows no bounds.
    The weight & damage it has inflicted is likely something I will carry for the rest of my life.

    • I feel you Matt. Same thing happened to me. 5 years gone…3 with her, 2 recovering. It really makes you feel crazy, sometimes, wondering when you hear the stories she tells.

      Thankfully, I just stuck to telling people “Ignore what she says, and look at what you see with your own eyes. Look at my behavior after, and look at hers. Who has the problems? Who is acting crazy? Who acts hurt and who acts proud? Who is the one that is in mourning over the loss of the relationship and who acts like it’s just another day in their crazy, crazy life? Who didn’t date? Who was sleeping with someone the next day (and probably before that! lol)? Who went to counseling? Who went on a vacation with yet another guy? Who went to church (as that was something we had in “common”) and who went to the bars?”

      That usually all that needs to be said to undo their lies. Then you start putting the pieces together about how all their previous relationships always were pinned on the other person “cheating” or “doing drugs” or “being an alcoholic”…all things that seem believable, but can’t really be proven one way or another.

      That is when you realize that you were just scammed. It is ok. The shock, embarrassment, and humiliation fades. You learn your lesson and hopefully figure out what drew you to a person like that in the first place. Usually it feels so “normal” because one or more of your parents also have these same traits so you gravitate towards what feels “right.”

      And don’t try to keep believing that they really were the person you fell in love (or the parent you idolized) with and this is just a phase or mid-life crisis. It isn’t. It is a way of life for them. They were like this long before you, and you will watch them repeat this pattern long after you, too. Her brother at every family function would tell stories about his sister being such a liar in high school to their parents. I would see her light up at the accusation and say “OH Whatever!? Hee Hee. You’re just jealous!” It never made sense until now. She was proud she got a way with it and it worked in her favor…not embarrassed for the lack of character and for manipulating. It proved, at least to her, she was superior. A normal person would be disappointed in themselves for the lack of character and would have apologized for it.

      Occasionally they will find a masochist that likes being cheated on, lied to, and verbally/emotionally abused, and will present to the outside world their “perfect relationship.” Don’t let that make you feel like it really was you. It wasn’t. It’s still them.

      Matt, you seem really ok with all that happened. It took me two solid years before I understood the dynamics of what happened. For others that are searching for the “why’s”…you can’t. Like cancer, sometimes it just happens to people you care about. And NPD just happens to some people. Loving them, like with cancer, just won’t heal them. You can’t fix them. You have to just let them go.

      Have a funeral for the person that you thought you fell in love with, and when you see your ex out and about, just say to yourself “Wow! I can’t believe how much that girl/guy looks like _____.” It helped me.

      Grieve the loss for the person you “knew” because really, that persona you knew and loved is dead because they were custom made just for you. And if they ever need you back for whatever reason, they will resurrect that persona to suck you back in (hoovering) with all kinds of apologies and usually guilt…if you ever loved me you would forgive me…etc.

      Hope my experience helps others.

      • Wow! Amazing comments. Thank you, you’ve really helped me. My ex said his friend enjoyed making women fall in love with him! He’s a narc to. My ex love bombed me and knew at 50 I was looking for a loyal, loving relationship and marriage etc. He promised me all of those things and seemed to idolise me, we were inseparable for 6 months until he started to flirt with other women and enjoyed seeing me in pain about it all. He didn’t like me saying I’d leave him, he’d say if it was true love I’d stay! I was truly in love with him but he wasn’t in love with me obviously 🙁 I put up with his behaviour for another 6 months, he tore me apart and then I left him. That was 10 months ago, he’s still texting me and he’s trying to convince me it was true love! I do miss him though, why??? I shouldn’t but I do.

    • I can relate to all of that. We still live in the same town. I have been so hurt by this man. I can’t get it off my mind. Never in my life have I been through anything like this. I just turned 63. I hurt so bad I feel like quitting.

  • @loving girl I agree with Andy your ex was not a narcissist! if he was narcissistic you wouldn’t have had that much control nor would it had lasted that long with any dfrom you. And if he did spend 15 months with you then he would have married you because you would have had to be over loading his narcissistic supply. Most people a emotionally & mentally drained by a narcissist with in a year. 15 months together and a year after the break up you’d still be wondering was any of the love true! And that would be why a narcissist abusee would be on the page!

    • This is not entirely true. Narcissists can have very long term relationships with or without marriage. I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist for 8 years (long distance). He went on dating sites, flirted, and cheated. But he stayed with me that long because I was apparently a really good source of “supply”. (Until he finally got bored and went off with a new supply who he was seeing behind my back). The point is that narcissists don’t always marry within a certain time, nor do they necessarily marry at all. Some DO marry and stay married. My overt Narc mother was married to my Dad for almost 50 years. As for loving girl’s post, there’s just not enough information there to say whether he was a narcissist or not. He could be, given that narcissists don’t always devalue old supply and sometimes still long for them. OR, he could be just a normal guy with some issues. There’s just not enough information. The classic way to find out is this: Narcissists almost always come on strong, they love-bomb you in the beginning and start talking eternal love, marriage, etc, before they even really know you. Their idealistic, over-the-top romantic love sweeps you away. But it’s not healthy or normal. Secondly, because narcissists believe in ideal, perfect love…… the moment you become “human” (in their eyes) or criticize them for anything, they see your relationship as “tainted”, and you’re on your way to being devalued. Narcissists see themselves as special, unique people who are entitled to perfection…….. the perfect mate, the perfect house, perfect car, career and so on. Nothing and no one is perfect, which brings up the final criteria which is the “discard”. Once a person or thing has become “tainted” , in the eyes of the Narc….(e.g. old, unexciting, boring, or too “high maintenance – meaning the narcissist’s partner expects them to be honest and faithful, something narcissists don’t feel they have to do like mere “normal” people………. they will discard you like an old dish towel. So, the cycle is: idealize, devalue, discard. And they might do this multiple times before the final discard……… unless you leave them first. If you leave them, they will go out of their way to Hoover and love-bomb you back into the relationship, only to discard you later. They want the relationship to end on their terms, not yours. So, if someone sees this cycle in their partner, get out as quickly as you can!

      • This is so incredibly accurate and mirrors my experience exactly. He ended eventually ended it after multiple occasions leaving me and “love bombing” to win me back again. To see it now for what it really was, and some time talking to an amazing therapist who reminded me to practice boundaries, I’m glad to be out of it. It’s destructive in the extreme and extremely damaging to your self-esteem. For anyone who is reading this and recognises the patterns, just get out. No matter how difficult. You only have one life and it should be lived in truth and harmony. It’s simply not worth it, no matter how special they are able to make you feel.

      • OMG this sounds so much like my relationship with my narc. Deep down in my gut, I knew what he was, did a lot of research, yet I kept letting him suck me back in. Now, this is my 4th time taking him back and I cannot stand it anymore. This time he managed to get me emotionally broken and now I have self-esteem issues which I never had before. This relationship is so toxic. He gaslights me, projects his shitty personality on me, blames me, and just gets mean and nasty then says it didn’t mean anything and it was all a joke and I am just being too serious. He puts me down in a very subtle way then says I am too sensitive. I definitely think he is a narc but possibly also a sociopath. It’s so darn hard to get out of this relationship. I am at a point that I am looking for professional help to get me back to who I was. I have always been a strang person with high self-esteem and no one could screw with me like that. My friends asking me how someone like me let this happened and honestly I have no idea. I feel that every move he makes is calculated and he just loves to jab me and twist that knife then say that he did nothing wrong. Its time for me to get out otherwise I will end up completely and totally broken but yet it’s so hard to do. I just don’t understand why when I have never had a problem walking away from a bad relationship.

  • I am currently in a “situation” with a major narcissist. I fell for him head over heels. He has never stopped talking to other women the whole time that we have had our “relationship”. (About 11 months). He has been with other women and so I tried to break away and started dating someone else. He lost his mind and I went back to him believing his lies. He is almost 50 (looks 70)and his looks are fading fast. The women he talks to aren’t nice looking at all. I am literally the best thing to happen to him in years. I am 45 and haven’t looked better since I was in my 20’s. Everyone I know says that I am way too good for him but I can’t seem to break away. He treats me horribly. Gets mad when I mention other women and somehow blames me. He will go for a few days and not contact me. Then expects me to be at his beckoning call. I usually do. I hate it. He tells me he loves me..I want to believe him but, you don’t treat someone like he treats me if you love them. I have had to go to therapy over him. I am depressed. And the thing is, I am beautiful. I just am finding a hard time meeting someone to take my mind off of him for good. (If it will work). I bought him a nice gift for his birthday and he was suppose to take me to dinner for mine. That was 2 months dinner. He has such control over me and I can’t get over it. What is wrong with me? I am thankful for your post. It has really shown me what I am dealing with and I feel that the sooner I break away the better. Wish me luck!

    • Narcissists can control you and keep you from leaving them by creating a spell around you like a spider web. This is how they keep you coming back to them I know because I was involved with a Narc and I knew he was evil and that the way he acting was evil. And I wanted to leave him but each time I left I felt this supernatural urge to go back to him and to just see him or be touched by him and it felt evil but I could not stop this desire to be with him again and he would have won if I had not been smarter than he was. I figured out what it was and I put a stop to it but it was not easy you have to tell yourself every time you get the need to see him that it was the spell and not you, that he was controlling you, and this is true, the Narcissist knows very well what he is and that he is a devil and can put this spell on you. And he will come back for you once he run out of supply he will be back to feed on you they never really go away they are like vampires.

      • Carolene, everything you wrote was spot on. I went through this cycle for 8 years. Narcissists create an actual addiction in us, similar to any powerful drug. They do this through gaslighting, identity erosion and love-bombing. We deal with something called cognitive dissonance, which means we know the narc is evil and a liar but we still feel we “love” them. We only love the person he “pretended” to be. We were in love with an “illusion”. I didn’t realize my ex was a covert narcissist until months after the discard, where he discarded me like a piece of trash and went off with someone else within hours! And up until the moment of the discard, he was still proclaiming he “loved me”. Wow. I would suggest you read everything you can about narcissism and healing from it. In that it “is” like a spell (i.e. addiction). They never give you any real closure, and this is because they may want you in reserve as supply, in case they need a quick fix. They almost always return a few times. They leave you with feelings of confusion, panic and despair. It is NOT like any other typical breakup. Not even close!

        • Hi Melanie,

          I have just been disgarded for the 4th time by my ‘love of my life’. He went straight back to the woman he only dated for two months two years ago and made her pregnant then ran from her. I met him soon after that. I have been his punching bag since then. I feel like a total idiot for keep taking him back and believing in him. He professed his love just the day before he went back to her. Then i was told by him how he despises her but yet he tells her on socialmedia how she is the one forever. its all crazy. and sad. you are right its not like any other breakup. i lost my home and my old self is a dwindled light. i never believed a person could do this to another person.

        • Also numbness. Its been a year with no contact anf I feel like it was just yesterday. I’am not the person I use to me. Loving to be around others, laughing and having fun. Don’t know how to do those things anymore because I stay depressed and just want to stay home in my quiet place.

          • I just wanted to tell you are not alone Brenda, that’s exactly what happened to me. It’s mind boggling the deceit and betrayal, mixed in with charm and profession of love and caring. It makes your light dim with shame and distrust. I am finding some relief with awareness to how we became so sucked in. And why. Also believing that you are truly loveable
            In this world and truly special. That God loves you and is calling to you to reach out and stay close. Believe, you are valuable. These people are ill, and it’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself. You are more beautiful and loving then most, otherwise you wouldn’t have been so kind and loving to stick around, and become so hurt. Co dependent or not, remember you’re here, and important to everyone and everything you come into contact with. Keep your lovely shining bright light on and keep loving. We really don’t have any other choice in getting over the train wreck otherwise. My love and prayers and heart prays for your healing. Essie

          • Hi Brenda Just read your comment. Girl get up out of that quiet place and go some where with your people that you loved to be around and laugh and have fun. Life is too short to swaddle on him. It’s been a year so he’s gone. There’s more fish in the see all kinds catch one but of course be careful. It will take time so don’t rush love. Let it find you which is what I’am doing. Everyone plays the fool some times and you were no exception to the rule (smile). Brenda it is surely nice to meet you in your comment. Don’t let your weakness come out to destroy you. Get up and hold your head up high. Take a shower dress go for a walk weather you want to or not,its not healthy Brenda, I’ve been there after 32 yrs, I’am now 68 live by myself still work I have a 2014 Ford Titanium sports car and a cat (smile ). been by myself for 6yrs living in the same apt and then what happens the narc comes a calling and knocks on the door and I let him in oh boy I was in trouble then, and he lives in the same apt I still see him but you know what it’s his lost and I put myself first and above him and I hope you do the same. He’s only a man and a cruel one at that. Listen in my opinion and how I feel about as my sister told me he is lower then whale mess and that’s at the bottom of the ocean. Please Brenda you are a Queen because you are a woman so please fulfill the that was given to woman. Do things that pleases you and you will find your self having fun. Make a phone call to friends family. Go to the zoo to the park see the children playing. Drink water you will be to busy going to the bathroom your mind won’t be on him (smile ). Do it Brenda, get up get out even if you don’t want to do it. You have to push you self but really it will come naturally. Go to church should of been my first advise read the bible and I say this without offending you or what you believe in do it’ Now’s the time for family and friends. Good-Night and I do have children and believe I don’t let them pluck my nerves I will shut down on them too’ See I just had open heart triple by-pass surgery in august 2017 and was back to work in Nov’ I had to fight to get back to work with my Dr. and mt job. Dr’s ofc said with have patients who trys not to go back to work and we have some one who wants to go back to work get this woman back so with all legal papers with my health and legal papers for work I’ve been back since Nov. Why? Because life is to short to be sitting in the house I know because when I woke up from the put to sleep medicine I was suffacating I couldn’t breath My hands were tiied I felt like Isomeone ahad a pillow over my face and suffacating me I called on the Lord and he untied one of my hands and I was able to pull the tubes out because I thought I was dying the nurses came in jumped on my bed and said You can’t do that I said that to say this Life is short. I’am living now. That person the narc well I won’t crumble for him either and please Brenda don’t you crumble. We as woman are strong its built in us thats why we bear children and not the men. They are weak they just pretend to be strong when it comes to love we woman give them that power we must take it back it doesn’t belong to them they are getting a free ride Yes it hurts yes its painful but so does bearing children and it HURTS but as time goes by we forget what the pain felt like we only know it was painful. The Bible says he will not have us remember the pain if I remember right’ This is what I say I’am just as good as him and I won’t let no one disrespect me knowingly nor take my dignity only I can allow him to do that’ If you don’t respect yourself I’ve learned no one else will. Be good to yourself Brenda you deserve it. Your special why because most people wouldn’t of wrote a comment like that I don’t think Your brave I know I wouldn’t. Your real and true. You have very good qualities ,glass.and style under all that pain . Go for it girl.

      • Caroline

        I agree and wish I could find help getting my Narc out of my mind. 6 years I put up with lies and verbal abuse. I was in the process of getting divorced and he would tell me what to do. He would always yell at me and say I’m not moving fast enough. Well it turned out because we lived two hours away, he would come to me. I never went to his house and you know why? Yes, he was married and lied that he was single. So for 6 years I heard all the lies of how we have to do this and do this before we can work on the divorce yet I would find out he was always on vacation with his wife that he said he was “divorcing”. Lies and verbal abuse for 6 years was enough so I left and started dating someone else. Of course he found out and came running back to me. So I came back to him only to be told he will never forgive me for cheating. I said what about you and all your lies? Plus your still married? He wanted me back and was so sweet for about two weeks and then the abuse started. He just ended it and said I can’t forgive you but I don’t want you to be happy or find anyone. Yeah right. He is still married and working on his next victim because he needs his fix. I’m still heartbroken but need to move on

    • the reason he is targeting you is because you dont’ want to be alone. clue: ” i just am finding a hard time meeting someone to take my mind off of him…” that shouldn’t be your goal. your goal should be having enough self respect to see he is full of s**t, and you need to get back to you. if you are looking for some man to take your mind off the pain of him you run a high risk of attracting yet another narc. they can smell that. they prey on fear and loneliness. leave him and feel the pain its the only way to recover.

    • This is how you do it. Make sure you are with a credible witness and push one of his buttons real hard. When he goes off, just sit still and let him show his a*s. Then go down to the magistrate for your county and file for a protective order based on the events that took place. Subpoena the witness to testify as to his behavior. Go for one year. Get that protective order! He will not lash out as you might think. He will be thoroughly embarrassed. He will no longer see you as a source for supply. He will stay as far away from you as he possibly can. You will probably never see him again. Because at that point, you are giving him nothing and you are humiliating him by kicking him out on the street.

      Then, read about narcissists, a lot. Continue to identify his behavior with these stories. Take back your space, take back your self, take back your life. Don’t look back. And remember that people who do not recognize what narcissists are about will not understand. Talk to the right people. As you move forward be very leery of men that have narcissistic qualities. And, unfortunately, you may have some habits that you need to change. You cannot be with someone like that and not be affected by it.

      It all starts with total humiliation and that total humiliation is the best thing for them to feel because it will play out to disconnect his hold on you by making him feel inert.

  • I’m a narc. I’ve know for sometime (saw a psych ). I met a girl about 6 months ago. I fell in love but in the way only a narc can. With the idea. But somehow she got through. Just before the end(she moved away and the relationship started waning and to preserve its ideal I reacted by cutting her off) I started acting like a narc on the other end of the relationship(boredom and all that) but she understood(she knew I was a narc) and showed me great love…always understanding. She wasn’t perfect btw but ya.

    I miss her. She knew how to deal with my narc behaviour. She loved me and I can objectively say I love her. I felt emotions with her. The lines of logic were blurred. At the moment the only emotional experiences are revisiting memories (I threw everything that was her out) and I’m limited to that.

    The first thing you’ll say is I’m not a narc… That’s cool. But for this excercise let’s assume I am.

    I’m about to visit her new town. All I think about all day is how I abused the one person who loved me. I want to make it so I feel again. I want to feel other emotions with her. Everything else is… Not important. I want to reconcile but I’m aware that it could be…bad for me to be rejected by her.

    Firstly. Is this a possible emotional connection (am I in love) or my obsession over my greatest failure? Where are the support groups or websites that talk to narcs and create hope. If a narc posts on a forum they instantly become the devil regardless the question. If this is not real then is there an explanation?

    • My ex Marc/bdp is now awaiting sentencing for arson with intent to danger life. After a year long relationship, he couldn’t get control from me so he ended up losing control, by blow torching my house with 10 police officers in the building. One rage that he just couldn’t pull back from. My advice is leave the poor girl alone, you are all very very sick ‘monsters’, who act like baby’s if they can’t get their own way. Hope they throw away the key!!!

    • For “Narc in Love”: I probably won’t get an answer from you after all this time, but I wonder what is the end of your story. I am very happy that you shared it. I do think you had a possible emotional connection. I hate the “verdict” that narcissist people are doomed, and cannot be changed. I believe there are more mature ones, who by realizing it can change the way they operate. If they couldn’t, then I think we can throw away all we know about psychology. What therapists are doing is trying to change the automative responses in your head, to rewire your thinking. I do not see the reason why a narcissist person would be any more damaged or irreversibly damaged than one with attachment issues…

      • I fell in love with my Narc after two days and I kept it to myself for six weeks. After I told him I loved him he had to clarify how many other people I said that to in my life. He couldn’t believe he was amongst seven other guys. He was immediately offended and began to devalue me. It was extremely hard because now I was in love and felt I had made great sacrifices for him. He believed I should be happy with my position and not to force his hand. He began pushing me away. (Mentally) intimacy was too much work for him and I require a lot of attention and it was very difficult for both of us. We had amazing sex and I have been with other guys to get him off of my mind after we broke up. I feel sorry for both of us as well as others because our sex partners have to compete with this perfect love which is false. I act just like him now. I discard men after sex and block them immediately. I cried everyday and every night after we broke (it’s been over for 5 months). I have been cruel heartless and mean to him and everyone else that shows any signs of cracks. I met a nice man and I am being myself again but it’s hard because I still love my Narc and want that great sex and “intimacy” we shared but I guess that’s what keeps us tied to our Narc, But Narcissistis are the devil themselves and I don’t know if he is in love but he allows me to get so close to him that I hurt him over and over again and he hurts me too Just to clarify I am a widow and was happily married and faithful to my late husband for 16 years and then I met my Narc and have been in grief ever since.

  • My ex and I broke up on Boxing Day 2014 and I am trying to process what happened to our relationship as well as what has happened to me. I’ve decided to write this post to get feedback and insight as to wether I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist.

    Five years ago I met the man of my dreams. He was kind, giving and took very good care of me.
    My daughter adored him and my family and friends told me repeated how lucky I was to have him in my life. He was not only kind to me but I was attracted to the fact that he did acts of kindness for others. Everyone that new him considered him to be a very good man.

    The relationship started off very quickly. Although he had a home in the same city, he moved in after about two weeks of dating. That was a bit of an adjustment for me but I loved his company.
    Within the first year of our relationship I became ill and had to have major surgery. My ex was very supportive through the entire ordeal and nursed my back to health.

    It was soon after I felt better, that I started to notice something was wrong but I thought that it must be in my head because after all he was such a good man. We went on a trip to Vegas and he insisted that he would keep our boarding passes and passports on him so that I wouldn’t loose mine. One night after we got back I went to the theatre with my girlfriends. When I returned home the house was decorated with candles. I thought this meant that we would have a romantic evening together but that was not to be. After I praised him for his effort, he went into the kitchen and proceeded to read the weekly flyers. I also noticed that he would take objects out of my hands. By that I mean I could be drying dishes and he would take the plate from my hands and finish drying it or I could be chopping vegetables and he would take my knife and finish the job. My ex had complete control over the shows we watched on TV . I used to call the remote “the man wand”. If there was something I was interested in watching that he did not want to watch I had to do it in the spare room.

    My ex started to criticize me over things such as repeating myself, not leaving the bedroom door wide open, dying my hair, wearing makeup and what I bought for him as gifts. I never knew what mood he would be in when I got home from work. His favorite phrase was “I love you but you drive me crazy”.

    I also noticed that he started to be critical towards me in front of his family. He admitted being rude to me but when I asked for an apology, he walked out on me. As he was leaving he told me that even my daughter does not love me. He felt he needed to leave and think about wether or not he wanted to stay in the relationship.This was devastating and I felt that there was something wrong with me. How could I have turned someone so caring into a hurtful angry man that no longer wanted me. I must have driven him to this. So a day later I begged him to come back. He did and the relationship continued.

    Not too long after that, my ex bought an all season cottage. The idea was that he would sell his home, I would downsize and we would spend our retirement at the lake. We had a wonderful summer fixing it up, meeting great neighbors, and enjoying visitors. I spent a lot of time cleaning and decorating. I noticed that he was spending most of the week there while I was at work in the city. When I told him that I missed him he responded by saying that “there was nothing to come back to the city for”. I asked him to explain his statement as I thought that us being together was important. His response was “I didn’t mean it that way”. I didn’t question it any further as I knew there was still work to be done out there before winter. However, that statement really hurt me.

    While I was in the city and he was at the lake we texted each other. I would end the text with I love you and he would end his with hugs and kisses. That bothered me since he gave everyone hugs and kisses. When I expressed my feelings about this, he told me it meant I love you to him and the hugs and kisses continued. Our sex life was almost nonexistent since he would not allow me to touch him. If I did he would tell me not to pet him like a dog and he rarely initiated sex.

    It was Christmas of 2014 when I realized that I could no longer be with this man. We had Christmas at the lake with our families. Christmas Day went without a hitch or so I thought. It wasn’t until the next day that I realized he broke a piece of furniture that I loved. I asked him if he did it to hurt me or make me mad and his response was YES. I asked him why but he could not give me an answer. He responded “I don’t know, get over it, and don’t wreck the day. I will fix it but not today. If you are going to be mad then go back to the city”. I packed up my things and went home. He came back to the city the same day and moved his stuff out. His last words to me were ” I’ve loved you, I still love you but we can not make it work”. I was left devastated not understanding why this man that everyone things is wonderful would have done this on Christmas. What did I do to make him brake something he knew was important to me.

    To add insult to injury he texted my daughter right away and told her we parted our ways. I was very angry that he did not allow me to tell her and that it was done through a text. On Valentines day this year he went to my daughters house unannounced to deliver an envelope which included a receipt for my winter tires, a gift card to my daughter’s and my favorite restaurant and mad money for my daughter. He wrote her a letter which he ended by saying “I miss you and your mom, take care of each other”. We have had no contact with each other since he moved out and I am planning on keeping it that way.

    Why was I with him? Because everyone we knew thought very highly of him. I believed that everything was my fault and things would get better if only I would change. The funny thing is that I am by no means a weak person. I am a widow that has raised her daughter on her own. I have a wonderful career that helps me afford the better things in life. I have have very good friends that consider me to be a strong person. He was wonderful and at the same time cruel.
    What I could never understand is that he always admitted his cruelty but never apologized for it. Instead he became angrier or he would walk out and I was left confused questioning myself.

    Sent from my iPad

    • You are describing my boyfriend to a T. Right down to leaving doors open, the tv shows, taking over everything you try to do, and not apologizing. Im sick of heafing i drive him crazy when ive been nothing short of a good girlfriend. Me kids dont like him and my respect for him is waning due to his rage oubursts when i try helping him with something.he says im trying to take control

      • jewlz, my old man took over the little apt. I had moved into after my last relationship of 10 1/2 years. He took over the living room for his bedroom and thus I could have few visitors. He wouldn’t straighten up, get dressed or get up so people could stop by. My habits were keeping him up – he has different hours……Everything was his, the remote, the TV, the stereo, eventually my car and all my free time was locked up waiting for him to return from weekend gigs when we were down to one car. It was maddening. He’d do things for others he wouldn’t do for me, no matter how long I gave or waited or sacrificed. I haven’t gotten to leave once in 16 years for a trip to relatives or anything, while he’s traveled the world and shared the room with his female bandleader friend and ridden in my car with an other singer and squeezed me out. I am serious. This was not a two-way street as these women weren’t willing to afford the same friendship, or privileges, to me. I put a stop to it and am still resentful, but if I could go back in time and do it over, I would have gotten out of this before it started. I do still love my narc BF (he tells everyone we are married but denied me a real proposal or wedding while our mothers were alive – that would be too mundane, and not rock star-ish enough, like not wanting me to mention he mows the lawn as that is his “personal life.) but I can’t win. He’s “not into being sad,” which means when someone I love dies, he’s supposed to be able to cheer me up and make me “snap out of it.” His emotions are shallow; he has zero empathy; he fights for his way; and he doesn’t care that he is unfair. He has spent 16 years denying me emotional support, any form of compromise and any support for my writing. I own a literary newspaper and the man never compliments me. Oh, he works hard! Anything that shines well on him is BIG; anything that shines on me is not. I found out he was handing out my paper overseas and telling people he has a newspaper. Not only am I not welcome on these trips, even with my own money and ticket, but he doesn’t mention my name……..after I’ve spent 16 years being his publicist and writing articles about him and putting his picture in my newspaper. It’s a one-way street and always will be. I expect nothing different at this point He cannot give me what he does not have: Compassion. He will never put himself in my shoes, ever, because he doesn’t want to. He wants to be the “good guy.” He thinks I’m lucky just because he is here and he “chose” me. I used to believe that. Now I see, he’s here because he ran out of road everywhere else. If I had it to do over again, I would never feel sorry for him or try to help him. He missed my big poetry event I set up a local park district facility for a last-minute gig with the band. I spent months on it, and he was supposed to be my musician on it. He took off with them curbside last minute. They had other bassists in Chicago they could call for House of Blues Cafe. Anyone would have taken that gig.No, I had to sacrifice again and my entire performance was missed by him. He finally admitted, after all the years I’ve lived in his world, he’s not “into poetry.” Then what is he doing with a poet? If I had said I’m not into bassists or blues musicians, this would have lasted less than a minute, for shore.

        • I was good to all of them and my turn never came. I realized that I wasn’t in a single pic with these folks after 11 years of being around his band mates, they were using my car, my man, my time and running my money into the ground while my life was slipping away, into work and housework and being alone with my cats. When confronted he and the band painted me as a crazy person so I went to his family who believed the same, although they’ve never been out here once to see us in 16 years. We have always had to go 2 hours away to them and I gave up my holidays with my family for years to go there and for what? To be treated like a stranger. No more.

          I got on FB and got my old peeps behind me, stood up to the family, made him quit that particular band – I no longer give a s**t about being called “The Yoko” and yes, that was the manipulation…….rejection was imminent and I am now running for alderman. You don’t have to let these folks mow you down or act like they are better than you. They are not. When you realize their behavior is rotten and start spending time with other people who actually love you and aren’t competing because LIFE IS TOO SHORT then you get your head out of your butt and stop letting them “win.” It’s a sick little game. My man is around selfish competitive people and thus becomes like them as the Bible says. I threw the Bible at them and my newspaper, which is Christian, is flourishing. From now on, I work to please the Lord and I live for my nieces and nephews, and my brothers since I wasn’t blessed with my own children. The narc partner now has to follow instead of leading. It’s unfortunate it had to be this way. I wanted more, but he wanted to fight and have his way. It’s ok. I will have those things someday, just probably not with him.

  • My Ex N fit criteria 100%, unfortunately it took ten years and him dumping me for his new supply to realize this. Oh my ex was the sweetest, soft spoken man you will ever meet. His words “He was sent here to do God’s work & that he is searching for his angel. She must look like him, talk like him. She must be so spiritual. Well I guess he thought he found her. Told me that he married her to save her, because she was lost (spiritually) & that he has to take care of her. She’s an angel, she’s an innocent & how they look alike & speak alike. whenever i saw them, they wete always arm in arm, like King & Queen. But yet since they’ve been married, he’s trying to lure me back. Now she’s pregnant & now it’s things are hard, she does not understand me. Only you know me, You are the closest person to me. she’s mentally sick, she has cancer. Everything is his hardship or how he was the savior of all & if you didn’t follow him, you were not following God. He’s the epidamy of a narc-sociopath

    • @Divine : Please never ever look back at him or even consider his request, NO MERCY, that’s the only way. He just wants to get his fix and this time it will be wors, before he breaks your heart and disappears scapegoating his yet to born child. These are monsters, Soul Suckers, No Contact is the only way. I have been so pained by my Narc, that its almost unreal that i am still alove and he is out there with another woman, celebrating his love. He prepared his new supply before he gave up on me, and in hours of us breaking up, he was with her, and they posted pictures on Social Media. It killed me and i am still recovering from the abuse. All that your Narc says about you is a Lie, they are ‘Wolf in Sheep’s skin’ you won’t even know and you will be attacked while they caress you and love bomb you, and once you give in ‘which you will – they have the knack for it’. Please REMIND YOURSELF OF THE HORRIFIC TIME YOU HAD AND THE STATE HE LEFT YOU IN’ .. Dont fall for temtation, you will be drawn to charisma, but dont let your guard down. Tell yourself, you know better. Love is you, not this ‘soul sucker’. Love will find you, just be kind to yourself and you will heal faster.

      Best wishes for u and others recovering from this abuse.

  • my dear friends, it sums up in 1 line –
    the narc does not know to give anything, love, care, money, gifts, time, attention…they CANT give anything, period..

    so even if u make him feel a king/prince,, do all d beautiful things n gestures for him to make him feel special…they cant even feel the love…they will NEVER reciprocate…

    i guess all victims birthdays are same..

    even for me..i celebrated his bday with so much love, gifts n affection….n he dint even call me on my bday…texted saying happy bday, lets plan ur bday …n later after 20 days of my bday..he has the audacity to tell dint reply to my msg…we cud have gone to celebrate ur bday..

    i mean wat the hell is dat??
    so he expected me to tell him – oh pls celebrate my bday…wen he dint even hv to courtesy to call me…
    n then he has the audacity to tell me this…

    i mean..they will always blame u…
    bigtime losers they are…
    morons, hollow, shallow, empty souls…

    they r cold n emotionless…do not feel love, joy, pain, sadness…nothing…
    i wonder if they shud be called human??

    extremely egoistic…huge egos…will compete with u for no reason…insecure on d most silly things..
    they want to be in limelight all d time…thwy will never want to focus on u…neva ever

    lets learn from our mistakes…i guess we all have ignored red flags time n again hence they keep torturing us every single time…
    lets stand strong n not take d crap they throw at us…

    being humans ..lets pray that they lead a peaceful life n let others live peacefully too

  • To respond to your question of whether you might have fallen in love as a “self proclaimed narc”, I think that it’s possible… Most normal people don’t have the tools to deal with this personality trait. So if a narc encounters a strong person, a person who’s aware of the games and somehow maintains their dignity, it throws the narc off, it catches their attention in a way that isn’t common for them. It maybe takes one to know one, or it would take that certain person that’s dealt with this personality. Love is an uncontrolled reaction to another person, it’s often being manifested by chemical and physical reactions therefore explaining why we find ourselves in it. How many times have we met a wonderful person who just doesn’t do it for us?no instead we find ourselves falling for the uncontrollable emotions that make us feel week and vulnerable, ok, so maybe some of you will say that’s not what love is supposed to do, but for the people like me that seem to go for those types of feelings, add in a handsome, sexy very desirable man who shares your love of music, dancing etc… It can happen. So I truly believe that a narc can meet his match and be thrown for a surprise , but my question to you is, can you truly ever love us back?

  • Narcissists are very sly and are like shape shifters and if you don’t know what a Narc is or that they exist you will fall for their flattery and lies until it is too late. I met a man and we were talking for the first time on the phone and he was telling me how different he was from other men, and that he was celebet and how women got angry at him if did not have sex with them. I ask him why he decided to become celebet, he said that it was because of his ex girlfriend and I asked him what reasons of his own did he decide to be celebet and he could not come up with any answer. He was trying hard to convince me that he was the right man for me.Then he told me about how he loved to compliment woman but he explaned it like it was a tool that he used. He then said that I am going to start off complimenting you slowly and this sounded strange to me, as if he need to compliment woman. I explained how I thought compliments were unnecessary and I did not need to be complimented. he became angry and said that every woman liked compliments and he has never heard of a woman who did not like them, I did not like them or dislike them but I find them to be an opinion that is not true or real and if I took them to heart I would also have to take the criticism to heart as well. This is what a Narcissists will do compliment you till your think that you are the Queen of Sheaba, and when he grows tired of that he will then stop complimenting you and start to devalue you and do the opposite of compliment you and talk about how bad you are. This is what made me see that I was dealing with a Narc, so I just hung up on this monster after he became rude with me for no reason at all really, but for me expressing my opinion about how I felt about being complimented, And by the way he had not even given me a compliment at all.

  • Yep i was in a relatipnship for 2yrs and 11months. Boy you are spot on he was a true narc. and i have exsposed him big time and now he is runnning away. Because people can see him for what he really is. I out smarted the narc..

    • raylene

      Hello , I am just out of a relationship ( or what may have been one ) with a very abusive Narc . I was and still am losing my mind . Never in my life did I think this coldness was possible in a human. He had me living on he streets , tossed me out , several times . When I had means and famito go to but was in such a state I felt ‘ frozen ‘ and unable to reach out . I have OCD but this was and still is so debilitating. I would like to think I am not vengeful, but he has cost me so much . Financially have went through my savings as he created expenses for me to incur that was not my fault. Kicked me out in the middle of the night for no reason,he would wake up and decide I was being unfaithful?? Disgusting allegations that he pulled out of nowhi. Name calling etc . Told neighbors how crazy and premiscuous I am and that I stole from him . Shamed me beyond belief. I don’t flirt am very loyal and he knows this . Anyway, that’s how bad he could be . The amount of $$ in hotel bills alone was ridiculous. I have severe health issues as well and he did not allow me to have my meds , even shoes at times . I became good at having a few essentials stashed away ‘ in case ‘ . He was married for forty plus years , sadly his wife passed away .. she was a diabetic with heart problems. She was found in the early morning hours a few blocks from home in her car. She did not have her meds with her and wasn’t dressed for the weather . I have been in the same situation as she . I asked what happened, kind of a natural question. He told me she went out and got drunk . This is not the same wonderful lady I hear great things about. I now after he has attempted to strangle me a few times believe he was the cause of her passing. I believe he may be a mixed DX . Either way I am in an apartment, feel safe but still have a sense of respectable fear . He was starting to slip in his rages and neighbors seen him so he has exposed himself here and there . He also abuses alcohol and smokes weed . He is a very bad drunk. I was thinking of ways to expose him so no other woman or person is treated this way . I have reported him for drinking and driving when I was afraid for people on the road . He was not caught and I would shake from head to toe thinking if he found out it was me ?! He literally thinks he is above the law and says if I die big deal , I e lived a full life . No comparison or concerns he could kill someone. ” I am a better driver when drinking because I pay more attention ” . He staggered out of his vehicle several times . :/( I feel I need to stop him somehow as I know what harm he can and will cause. He is in his 60’s a grandpa and the most immature human I have ever met . No emotiional intelligence. Sorry to ramble but it’s fresh and I normally journal as well . Funny after I write I feel exasperated, exhausted and have to nap . If you have any tips on how to expose I would appreciate that very much .
      Thank you from the deep . Much warmth and healing thoughts for all who is in the is struggle.

    • Yes, you did. My hat is off to you. I outsmarted mine too. He is literally running from the law at this point. He is hiding away and to my chagrin. I got counseling and I did not go into denial when I finally understood what was going on. And then I made a plan to extricate myself at the right time, in the right way, with the right skill sets.

      And I know that it is a shame because I am done with his insanity and he has been humiliated in front of his friends and made to look like a fool. It may never help him see his way out of such a sticky mental disorder but it sure helped me go on.

      Now, I will see if I can find a real person who is being themselves. It is tricky because that was one of my narc’s most endearing illusions. He did things to be seen as a genuine person. Wow. Crafty. The guy was really freakin good…I have to give him that. I will keep my fantasy but get rid of the mental patient.

  • Nearly everyone here describes their narcissists almost identically. That’s because they do the same dance that has only three steps. Step one: seduction and conquer. Oh, they are good at that. Step two begins the moment you say you love him or her–they have succeeded in their mission of getting your love, sex and devotion, and now it’s time to begin to detach. They withhold sex, cheat, lie, insult you, their actions and words no longer match, they are never wrong, they always blame you and they will never apologize, no matter what they’ve done. They will tell you that you are crazy, and gas light you to make you feel crazy. And if you show anger after catching them cheating or some other major thing, they will start saying your anger scares them and they’ll make your anger more of an issue than their cheating. If they cheat but aren’t quite done draining you of your love and emotional range, they will pretend to feel remorse but you better get over it fast because they do not like to have to act humble or remorseful for very long because it’s all an act and such a hassle to have to pretend like you matter to them. Stage three: once they drain you dry and you no longer have any supply to give them, they’ve probably already lined up a new victim and they will discard you like a used condom or dirty Kleenex , then leave and never look back. They will probably stay gone long enough to victimize a couple of new victims, but if they noticed you’ve moved on, they will want to start the dance all over again, because you gave good supply, unlike the flimsy w****s and psychos he just dumped. So, if you show resistance and stay strong against letting them back in, that will cause them to turn on all the charm and sweet talk with you like never before. How they have learned that you were the best and most loving ever and now they want to marry you and never leave your side again-blah blah blah. They bring flowers and cards and little love notes and they really put in a lot more effort than ever. They may even make you a mix tape CD and let the lyrics do their talking for them, since they have no real emotional depth of their own. They will manage to re-seduce you, and you are so in love again, you forgot about what trips the kaboom off and launches step two, so you tell him you love him, and there it is– the kaboom, welcome back to distancing and detaching, then here comes step three again and you feel abandoned and left feeling like a deflated balloon. He will be glad to keep the 123 dance going over and over because he probably has a few others in the rotation. Once you finally get that he’s a Narcissist with a bad prognosis for healing …you want to cut your losses and be glad you finally figured out his game. You loved a robot with fake emotions, and there is no there, there-he’s a programmed robot and emotional sucking machine–he’s an emotional vampire and you deserve more. Sever contact, stay mad and start hobbies, activities, projects and as much busy work as you can. Do not allow yourself to daydream about what could have been–it wouldn’t ever be that because you fell for a robot who feeds on emotions to live. Run like hell!

    I am about a year with NC and I hardly ever think of my ordeal or the assclown narc who used me. I got some therapy, dug deep and figured out why I was a magnet for these suckfish, handled it and made some kick a*s boundaries. I also announced in great detail to the narc what was wrong with them and to get help or piss off eternally. That will keep the clown away forever–they hate to be found out.

    The grand finale–I am healing and soon I will be 100% sane and normal again. The Narc? Nope. They don’t heal 98% of the time–their egos will not let them admit they are batshit crazy, so they resist therapy. Sorry–I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, or cure it. Good luck on that. I am going back to Sanity Land. Adios, mofo.

    • OMG, were we dating the same person? (just kidding, but we all share similar stories with Narcs). I went through the exact same things….. the love songs, the CD mixes, all of it. My Narc discarded me only to woo me back one year later. I fell for it, not knowing at the time what he was, and believing he’d changed and did truly love me. Turns out, he was only using me for a final six months to “punish” the newer supply that had been “acting up” (I.E. not doing what he wanted, not showing enough Narc-worship) and after he finally won HER back, discarded me like an old dishrag. It took me almost a year to recover and finally realize the entire 8 year relationship was a fraud and a sham. He was a consummate actor. I felt like I wasted 8 years of my life! Also, I did a lot of healing work and have come out kicking a** as well. We DO become stronger after this experience, even though I wouldn’t wish this on anyone! Yours was a great post and you write very well! Narcs leave horror and destruction in their wake and skip off into the sunset with someone else. They have no empathy and no conscience. The good news is I don’t believe I will ever fall for someone like this again, as now I know all the red flags and my Narc radar is amazing these days. One final caution to others: If you ever feel something is “off”, if you ever feel like you have to start playing detective with someone, if someone you’re dating is coming on way, way too strong and seems to good to be true……..RUN like the wind, because you’re dating a Narcissist!

  • I was too in a relationship w/ a narcissist for 4 years. I thought that time, everything was perfect that I could never ask for someone better and our love story was like a fairy tale. In addition to it he was my 1st boyfriend so I really don’t have any idea of the usual relationships. I’ve realized after we broke up that boy have I sacrificed a lot when I was w/ him while everything was all perfect on his part. I sacrificed my career because he doesn’t want me to be far from him while he, himself worked abroad. All my attention should just be solely focused on him because God forbid if my friends ever took any of my attention and time from him even my family. I thought that he just loves me so much and it was really a great shock for me when one day he just told me that he got tired and he needs space and freedom and left me when we never even fought hard about something since we started together. It all happened because I told him that he just commits the same mistakes over and over again and this time I’m already tired hearing him say sorry but he’s still doing it all over again. Weeks later I’ve found out that he was dating someone and he treats her like a princess just like what he used to treat me in the beginning of our relationship and I’ve found out that he made it look like it was all my fault to his friends and family. I was really devastated. Because I have no one to run to. I felt like nothing was left of me. I turned my back on all the opportunities, my dreams and I have no friends because he cut them off in my life when we were still together. But with all these things that I’ve sacrificed for him, it was still not enough for him. Because based on what he told his friends It would seem like I was never a good girlfriend to him contradictory from what he made me believed when we were still together just like what he also did with his former girlfriend before me.

  • I am embarrassed to say that I was with a narcissist for 71/2 years. Until I left him, I didn’t realize that this is what he was. I thought he was selfish, depressed, etc… I left once & just like text book he lured me back with fake promises, declarations of love, etc…. I disconnected during our marriage which made it easier to leave. It has been a year and I am SO happy that I finally left him. He already has another victim-I wouldn’t be surprised if he was communicating/with her when we were married. I love my new life and I am continuing to grow and give myself the love that he couldn’t. Please don’t rush into a new relationship after leaving a narcissist-make time for yourself to heal, educate yourself, love yourself.

  • I was with a very covert narcissist woman for 17 years, off and on. We had a child and lived together for 10 years, but during this time she had at least two other lovers and downgraded big time when she finally dumped me for one of them when he left his wife. What kind of mother lives like this??? Life with her is/was nothing short of emotional espionage.

  • I was with a narcissist professional man, intelligent and accomplished to the world but he always had something oFF about him. I always thought it was medication he was on and he would have crazy outbursts of angerin the midst of a lovely day and ALWAYS on the way to a major holiday event of anniv. or birthday etc like clockwork. He wanted to ruin it and then he would do a reverse and say he was sorry and would make it up to me knowing I was in love with the fake man he was, not yet knowing it was fake love, fake future planning, fake everything. he discarded me after just telling me he never wanted to loose me and thanked god for me and our love. He treated me like I never existed and of course was back with old girlfriend and probably a few new ones.. the man who said I was the love of his life, now said he NEVER loved me and cold cold cold, no feelings about destroying me…

  • I was with a Narc for 6 years. I wasted my good sanity, self esteem, $ & time that I can never get back. He is the craziest, most manipulative & contradicting person I’ve ever known. I think he was also a sociopath because his Mr Hyde personality would show & he’d say sexual things about other women that a person not in our relationship would obviously know he was cheating but because I was so brainwashed, I believed he wasnt, although his words did not apply to me at all so there had to be other women. When we met, he’d love bomb me by sending songs, always ended each convo with the xoxoxo, endless I love yous & compliments. It wasn’t long before his Mr Hyde would show by putting me down. His put downs started as whispers & I would question if I heard him or not because when I questioned him, he denied my experience. I knew something was wrong but I proceeded anyway thinking my good love will be enough for him because he would say all he wanted from me was love, my hand in marriage & a family. I believed him & held his words to my heart. I woke up after 6 yrs because I grew tired if his words not matching his actions & I grew wise to his Narc behavior. It was difficult to leave him because I was holding on to our dream but thankfully my family is very supportive, (another thing he hated), & my common sense prevailed. He serial cheated throughout our entire relationship & blamed me. He would use my deepest secrets & confidences against me in arguments. The things he would use to hit below the belt when we argued were the cruelest things I’ve ever heard. It takes a lot to get me angry but after several arguments, I started to fight him back w his own medicine. I was the worse person he met because I defended myself. He even went as far as to try to verbally abuse my 9 yr old son. My son didn’t like him & he’s a good kid. Very respectful. No one with a 6th sense & a strong common sense liked him. They knew he was a fake from the time they met him. It took me 6 yrs to leave him because I was addicted to the person he represented. Ironically I left when I became pregnant with our daughter. He treated me horribly during my pregnancy. He wished death on our unborn daughter & I, forwarded nude pics of women he was seeing, sent pics of he & others on dates & wasn’t supportive at all. Random strangers showed me more love than he did. The name calling got out of control. I was every name in the book. After our daughter was born, he tried to love bomb me again & assumed I’d go for it & forget the past because I did countless times before. He only wanted me so that he wouldn’t have to pay child support. He cared nothing about “his family” as he called us. It was a selfish act because he NEVER did anything selfless in the 6 yrs I’ve known him. He only did things if they benefitted his agenda. He wanted us so that he’d look like a normal person to the people he knew. He had no morals or boundaries. The trailer he lives in was acquired through a sex buddy whom he lied to about having a gf & cheated on me with. Yet this was the home he wanted his family to move into. Everything he did was about him & his needs! Our baby is 3 months old & he hasn’t seen her because he’s so selfish & bought a Corvette instead of providing for her basic needs. He even told me it’s his $$ not hers & called me a parasite for asking him to support his baby! I supported him financially the entire relationship & ruined my credit because I thought we were a team. Now I’m struggling to pay for things he accumulated!
    I’ve been in NC for 5 weeks & Im not even tempted to call him. I have a permanent restraining order on him because he called our baby a baby b***h, wished death on my entire family & said other hateful things all because I refuse to be bullied to bring his infant daughter to see him like he’s a king or royalty! He’s a waste of air & I will not be abused anymore. I don’t miss him. I do miss Dr Jekyll but he isn’t real. Mr Hyde is the real person. I don’t want him near my children or me again. Our lives are too precious & he hates us! I believe he wants to see us destroyed. He’d spew out hate from side of his mouth & love from the other. I couldn’t trust him. He found a new supply. He has had a harem our entire relationship & has a high sex addiction. I’m very happy I’m outside of the madness & being the protective glass once again.

    • Excuse the typos. I meant to say behind the glass…

      Since I filed my restraining order, I’ve found that he has 3 others from 2003, 2007 & 2010 from ex gfs! When he was love bombing & seducing me, he was going to court for one. His last words were that he knows he’s a goodam bc he knows what’s in his heart. What heart! The fruit he produces is from hate not love! For 5 years I prayed he’d change but that isn’t happening.

  • I spent 12 months with what I assume is a narc. All love and flowers for the first 8 months. He wasn’t critical or abusive in any way but had no empathy at all. I went across the country to see a dying family member for a week and he didn’t call me once. When I returned he asked me once how the person was. He then went on vacation for 2 weeks and didn’t call me once. We did not live together. We would make plans for something special and he would cancel it at the last minute. He also totally ignored my birthday. The baffling part is that although he bragged about his job he never ever opened up to me in any way. I just kept hoping things would get better. The bomb was one evening I asked him if everything was ok and he simply stated “I don’t love you and I never will”. There was no empathy, no “I’m sorry”, nothing.. Shocked… He thought he loved me at one time and figured I’d eventually find someone else and leave him but then added that would make him jealous as hell. He has many narc traits but I’m not sure if he is a narcissist or I’m just stupid. That was 2 months ago and I still think about him every day.

  • I’ve been in love or infatuated with a narcissist the last 4 years of my life. Reading all these comments has been the nail in the coffin that I need to end it. There are things that people have written here that could have been taken from my life directly. Thanks to everybody for being so honest and giving me the clarity I need to move on.

  • My story looked a like the one described in the article. I was put on the pedestal but soon I was devalued. Love bombing lasted very short period of time. Both of us are 48. I am single, he was “in the process of divorcing” (actually, separated because his wife moved out). We knew each other from high school and had a platonic (via email) short flame 4 ys ago. He came to me, asked me to “renew” the relationship because I was the one, he never felt such a connection with anybody. He said – I love you on our first date. He said – I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
    He also said – I can’t live alone.
    Soon he brought back his “ex-wife” in the loop, he was telling me endless stories (repetitively on a daily basis) about their marriage, about her depression, about their kid (who suffered because he was not taking sufficient care about her). He was (know I understand) playing a victim, I felt sorry for him when he complained that she was not nice to him, not having sex for years, she said to him that she could not stand him any more…So, I felt sorry and I listen to him. We live 300 km away. We were together on 5 occasions. I was sick in the meantime and he never called or asked about it. He would draw-back from “love bombing” to no communication or just sending a short message “morning kiss” or “night kiss” and that was it.
    He spends 5-6 hours on his FB, has an open profile.
    He works as a librarian (he is a literature professor) at our old high school.
    He dumped me a day before Christmas – because my “love was a burden to him, putting a pressure on him, he needed to continue alone…”
    Until the last day he would state that I was giving him a piece of mind, while he dumped me with a whatsup message saying he needed his own piece of mind.
    We had holiday plans, but he gave up of visiting me and spending few days with me…the promise he was giving me for 1,5 months.
    All together we were 4,5 months together – it was like a rollercoaster.
    We used to talk every evening – 1,5-2 hours – but every time he was talking (95%) and I felt drained after each conversation.
    He is financially broken, has short term debt including personal loans from relatives and a mortgage, but at the same time he still buys things for his pleasure (he bought new bicycle) and love grandiose things. He talks bad about everybody, including his family (brother, sister, mother).
    However, he said to me – “I am not a good man, I have temper”. I had never experienced his “bad temper”, although he used to exhaust me with his talk.
    At the end he said – “I told you I was no good, I told you I was selfish”.
    During 4,5 months of our relationship he paid a drink and a lunch, once…I paid every other time.
    I guess he fits the description of a narcissist?

  • Wow! I can believe what I am reading. Met this man mid summer 2015. He gave the whole story that he is separated and his wife no longer wants anything romantically with him and he sleeps on the second floor and her on the first. He made everything look good. He bombed with phone calls, text messages and when I went away with whatsapp. Over 3000 messages in a month, saying he could not believe he finally had found someone to burn the rest of his life with. He would send me sweet messages, good morning, good night and would call me every night, sometimes four times and always called from his house, his work. He works nights a lot. He spent most of his free nights with me and sometimes he was off day time he would spend with me.
    He did everything possible for me to trust him, and showed in many ways he was honest, but he always kept his phone guard. Even when he went on the bathroom he would bring his phone. Well one day I went on his phone while he was in the shower and I saw the messages from other women that he was chasing, not to say he went to the hot and cold a few times. Every time he was chasing a new interest he would do the hot and cold. The love bombing lasted three months and than the criticism and devaluation started. He has only apologized once, and he is always right. You can not disagree with him, and he has this authority on his ways that you can not even discuss the issues because he will repeat the same question to you over and over until you do not even know what was your first answer. He had sexual issues and could not get a hard on, and later on he came up with the idea of taking the pill. Once he realized that the pill works, his ego is so high that he would take the pill before he got to my apartment and say, oh it is not the pill it is all me. Six months later he did a total 180 turn and started with the devaluation again. Cut all messages and phone calls went from every day to every other day. He used a friend on fb as decoy to make me thing he was after her. When I questioned, he broke up. Reality is that he was working on his marriage with the wife, I guess he could not have sex with her because his p***s would not get hard and once he used me as a test drive for the pill he went back and started having sex with his “ex” agin, which was never an ex. He broke up with me, but for a week saying we want different things and two weeks later he suggested friends with benefits. I told him know and he keeps coming back. Eveytime he feels I am slipping away he makes time to see me, once he feels I am back in he pull away again. I found out that his (separated) wife worked on a part time day time and also on a store in the evenings and that is why he was able to call me late hours in the night. During the devaluation he was very critical, and anytime I say It is hurtful, his response is, I am being honesty. Yet, if you criticize him he will hold against you forever. He also never shows any sign of anger or mad at you on his face. I did not even know I upset him, and than he would go on attack. He withhold sex from me to punish me. If he knows I am expecting him at certain days, he purposely go home and would not come to see me, because he knew I was free. It was done for the fun to hurt. He loves to see you in pain, and makes you totally convinced that he is all into you. He will go on a sex marathon for on to three hours and always saying he wants me to feel good, but it is all about his ego, all about him feeling he is special and you are totally hooked on him. He is not one of those Narc that wants to show off his goods, he pretends he is broke and is always working. He is a workaholic, and keeps saying his wife will move out, that he will buy her a new place, but he will never divorce her because is cheaper to keep the way things are, and also that by not divorcing is always a chance of her wanting him back. I am now convinced that he was never separated, and they were just no having sex because he could not get it up, and she is back in with the sex, yet he still calling me to come over for (sex) you know the secure supply, because he likes variation and wanting to keep me hooked. He has many women that he goes back too every now and than. He erases every message and phone calls from me and the other women as soon as he reads it, this way the wife is in the dark. He is extremely clever, and no matter what I do, I can not fool him. He reads anyone like a book, and he prays on codependent women or women he knows are not as successful on their career or makes less than he makes. He feels I am too independent for him. He said he convinced his separated wife to quit her job, this way she makes less money and therefore she has less chances of leaving him. he has more control if she is financially dependent. That is sick. He tried to make me feel I am not a good mother because I take on night of the week to go hang out with my friends, and tried to convince me to quit my volunteer job and I realized is because my volunteer job had more man than women. He is very good at controlling you and he does in a way that you thing is helping you. he would text the other women right there and say it was from work. he is a log ego seeker. He is toxic and I am having a huge hard time getting out of his manipulation.

  • Oh, yes, they do get married and they do stay married with many affairs on the side. Mine had been married for over 20 years. I wonder how many ladies he told me the same story, that his wife does not want him. LOL

    • I cannot believe the similarities between our two stories. Thank you for sharing; it has helped me to further accept what I was struggling with in my relationship with me ex N boyfriend.

      *Still stings, (I left six months ago) and I am just now beginning to get therapy for it as I feel so altered and lost.

  • I’m just now seeing him for what he really is although I’ve always felt that deep down things were not quite right. Basically everything I have read on here describes the man I was dating for 15 months. All I can say in my defence was I was very vulnerable when we met but I should have listened to my friend and family the people that really loved me. This is Day one of the healing process I will come back better and stronger. This has really helped. X

  • I am just reading all this commentary and I am speechless and in tears…..I had no idea that my boyfriend of 8 months was a Narcissist. I am 41 he is 50. Our relationship began in the summer; boating, seadooing….met his family on week two of the relationship, that’s when he said he loved me, couldn’t live without me, wanted to talk about us buying furniture together etc. The relationship progressed for the next month with him making room in his closet, drawers for my things….I felt that was odd, as he had been divorced for 8.5 years, but had never cleaned things up before me. However I thought “here is a man who is truly devoted to me”… He would look at me and say “ya….your my baby” and that all of that canoodling last wonderfully for the first two months…then the odd started to happen…He usually cooked..that’s his thing, then one day when I said I would cook, picked up meat and veggies and asked him to bbq, he got an odd look in his eyes. He is amazing at the bbq…but that night burnt everything to a crisp. It was as if to say “you said you were cooking; you didn’t; I’ll show you”. I should have noted that, but was falling into his trap. After that…my ex husband passed away and when I went outside to call my son to tell him, when I went to go back in he had locked me out of the house (we didn’t live together and I had no key). I had to message his son to come and unlock the door and when confronted, told me that I was lying, he would have never done that. It was the inside door…it is NEVER locked. The distance started and he has never looked back. He continued to abuse me by making me feel crazy and I kept coming back, humiliated but came back. He included his ex wife in all family holidays etc…just to make sure I knew that someone was more important in this relationship then me. The odd stories continue until this past weekend when I finally said it was over. I messaged and spoke with his family, who all told me that it wasn’t me, it was him and that I should leave and never look back. I started to think “wait, maybe he has told them I am nuts and to make sure I stay gone” but then a friend said, Sarah – he is a narc…that’s when I began reading and reading and reading. The stories on here are absolutely identical to mine…I mean, scary identical. He was always on his phone and I caught his computer screen up with a bunch of chats with pictures of women…he lied constantly, played me for a fool. I am a strong independent woman who has fought hard to get where I am today, but have a great need to be loved (lost my family as a child) he was able to sniff that out and then prey on me….I was crying all week and have been questioning my decisions…but now, I read all of this and see I need to run and stay gone. I will not sacrifice myself again to his malicious ways. Knowing he is an empty, unemotional liar is not something I will subject myself to anymore. I cannot say enough about this forum or how much I have learned I am not alone and I am not stupid for falling for this man…I am just a woman with a big heart and a lot of love to give….so I was the perfect victim.
    Victim no more.
    Stay strong ladies…..we are in this together

  • I was in a relationship with my ex for almost 4 years. To me things between us was almost perfect. He was very romantic, flowers, dinners and sweet msgs, calling multiple times a day saying he loved me. I fell in love with him thinking he was a caring, loving, genuine person. I pointed out that i felt his mom was over stepping boundaries in our relationship and I tried to tell him how this made me feel, the only real problem we had during our time together. He told me not to talk about his mother and he started to withdraw from our relationship (though i didnt realise this at the time). He started pointing out things about me as though they were my flaws (fyi these “flaws” didnt make sense). I know im not perfect. A few months after that he broke up with me and he cut out all communication. I wonder if he ever even loved me or was he just using me. I was unaware of narcissists until a few weeks ago. Could he be a narc?

  • Thank you for writing that. I was with a narcissist for five years. He recently broke up with me after I discovered he was having an emotional affair with another woman, and in doing so cited my selfishness as the cause for needing to get away. Being away from him has left me confused and questioning every belief I once had. He told me he loved me and many of his words and some of his actions affirmed this. I question how someone could truly love me and behave in the way he did. This article helped me to understand that it was never love, it was about him filling a hole in himself with me. I can move forward easier if I understand that he was never really loving the person I was.

  • I have come to realise and this has helped me a great dela, Have you ever heard about ‘cooking the frog’. Thats what Narcs do, to them everything is INTENT. They plan and choose their victims, they are patient in slaying them, they will do anything and everything it takes for them to get you comfortable and convinced that ‘You’ve finally found the love of your life’ and thats what they will pretend to be in the ‘Idealization’ phase, Their love is so intoxicating, that its nearly impossible to resist. and the intimacy is near perfect, they will make you feel like you are the best thing that happend to them, however, inside they are laughing at your Idiocity, coz, only, empaths fall for Narcs. Everythng that comes out of their mouth is PROJECTION, so remember, If they accuse you fo something, it isnt you doing’ its them announcing that they will/can do it, and do they will.. guarenteed! The sad part is that they treat themselves as objects and thats how they see others too. To them their physical self is so important, they cannot bare getting wrinkles, scars or anything that may take their physical beauty from them, that all they have to play on. They will humiliate you and will ensure that your self worth is 0, before they leave you.

    These soul sucking monsters have no right to live, but sadly they do, so u need to be prepared to see such signs and stay away from these monsters.

    Stay blessed

  • I have just left a narcissist after 12 months packed my bag and walked away with no contact the hardest thing I have ever done.He lied to me from the start said he was single and found out later he was married and left his wife and children 2 weeks after meeting me without any empathy. He swept me off my feet wining dining constant weekends away texting ringing constantly declaring how much he loved me his wife was lazy didn’t cook I was the love of his life his soul mate. 2 months in he caused a row and made me cry because I was on a dating site previously should have known then.
    He very gradually started to pick at things didn’t like some of my cloths and when I had a few too many wines he would make sure I k new he would criticise meals I had made not enough gravy etc.
    It got worse he caused a row in fro t of his children and there friends over nothing and the children were petrified.he isolated me from friends and family slowly.offered me a job and told me to pack mine in.
    So glad I didn’t.he never made plans after 6 months tried to make out I was a psycho found messages on his phone from exes reeling them in reminiscing about places he had taken them and how good it was
    He never thought he had done anything wrong but was so jealous if he had found messages on my phone it would have been destroyed he did once as well as destroying my cloths and giving me 2 black eyes. The week after I left him he booked hotel room for 2 in the lakes where he first took me obviously with his next victim poor woman. It hurts but the last 12 months have all been a lie .He was a popular guy gave to charities owned 2 businesses and sponsored the local rugby team as well as juniors.
    He would buy drinks for everyone in his local club lend people money and buy people’s friendship.
    I hope I never see him again what threw me is I you d a message on his phone to his friend when I had left him before sayin g he loved me but he clearly only ever loved himself. Hope tbis helps identify them Nd helps others

  • 2 months with a Narc, but it was a worldwind romance ofcourse…He swept me off of my feet, 5 star restaraunts, flew me to Seattle (romantic as hell). Told me he loved me and how he had never felt this way before (even though he had been married for 25 years previously) He was 62, I am 48. He immediately wanted to leave clothing at my apartment. And then out the blue, (so I thought) I get a text from his phone that is supposedly from his ex in Brazil, included a photo of the two of them having dinner, cuddled up. He returned from Brazil a few days later saying she was an ex who would just not let him go and he only saw her to retrieve belongings and he showed her pics of me and she took his phone…when I didnt believe him, he got pissed. He became cold, insulting and distant. It would be another two weeks before I realized that I had been conned by a Narc. I have had no contact with him in 5 weeks, until today. He sent an email saying that he wanted his “clothes back” as if I had asked for them in the first place. I did not respond. (those clothes now belong to a homeless guy) I am so glad that I got out when I did and I am even more grateful for this blog. I have never encountered a person that simply gets off on mind f**k**g people. You have to really be sick to get pleasure from hurting someone who has done nothing to you.

  • I am in love with a NARC. He is your typical narc: extremely good looking, multimillionaire, amazingly charming, spontaneous. So many women want him.

    At first I was put on a pedestal,he was love bombing me and texting me non stop. Putting fake dreams in my head and I thought I had found the one. After one month I gave in and we kissed, it immediately shifted, he felt that I really liked him and he backed off. I backed off as well. Untill I just couldn’t stay away. The whole thing started over and now we are having something for about 8 months and I am totally crazy about him. He knows and I think he enjoys it. But he hates it when I pressure him in seeing me or reply to my texts. He Does this on purpose. I can’t handle it anymore. A typical narc. I’m about to do an experiment, I will try to not show him any love or interest anymore. I will be friendly but I will back off emotionally. Fake it untill you make it. I hope I can after a while finally just get him out of my life and live on a happy, healthy life. I really really want to get rid of this love I feel for him. I know he is stupid and not good for me. How can I fall out of love?

  • Wow reading some of the stories on here is similar to what I just went through with my ex.
    I was with him for two years and he seemed so perfect at first, he got my name tattooed on him after three months, like I really believed he loved me.
    Then a year later I found out he had been seeing other women from his own sister, when I spoke to these women, the exact same things he said to me he would say to them, it made me feel sick, and one woman had a business set up for him with two properties, one was paying of his debts and the other funded his education, with me I believe he just saw me as a easy target as he was never abusive with them only I got that, this man was so deceptive that he would wear a band aid over the tattoo he got of my name on his wedding finger!
    The other women found out about each other and had left him, I was the last one to find out, he gave me pathetic excuses to why he had done this, tried to play the victim, crocodile tears, and I left him alone, three months later he was back in touch and promised me he had changed, like a fool I fell for it, the exact same cycle repeated itself, but this time he was alot more abusive, physically, emotionally and verbally.
    He would often criticize my body, tell me other women had better bodies then me, tell me I needed inplants, and really say hurtful things about me down below, he would often say all this infront of other people and completely humiliate me.
    I wasnt allowed a job, he had broken my phone so I hsd no communication with anybody, at the time all this was going on I thought it was all my fault, I nagged him too much because he was always on his phone.
    I was always in the house either with him or one of his drug addict friends whose house it was, he would often go out at midnight and not come back until 7am and gave no explantion to where he had been all night, and not see why I would be so upset.
    We rarely had sex as he would say physically I wasnt his type as I didnt have big butt, but its crazy because I am from the UK and in the State where we lived I would often get many compliments on my looks and on my accent, guys would often try and talk to me infront of him, and I think thats why he would say all these evil things to me, to try and lower my self esteem, people would see what was happening and would even say ” he is so mean to you” and they would offer to help me.
    It was funny as he would call himself Mr CEO and had all this big visions of being a millionaire, he had been in and out of prison his whole life, and would really have this high opinion of himself, would call himself the peoples champ, when seeing his numerous babymothers when he would pick his kids up he would say ” If I wanted too, I could have sex with them” and then when he thought I was going to leave after his many beatings he would say ” about 7 women want your spot” he really made me believe he was this great catch when in reality all he was a an abusive narcissist/ sociapath.
    The final straw for me came when I had seen him broswing a well known dating site, he gave pathetic excuses to why he was on there, but for me that was it, so few days later when he had gone out and tye drug addict friend who would watch over me had gone to the basement, I ran and saught refuge at the home of one of his childhood friends.
    They told me they thought exactly the same thing, he was a narcissist, hence why they were helping me get back to the UK, they picked up my stuff from him and he went and slept with someone the same day after only declaring in the morning before he had gone out that I was the love of his life.
    Looking back, there were many alarm bells, like for example no one in his family really had much to do with him, all his exes were “crazy” he would say, he would try and turn people against me, he never really showed any emotion or empathy for anyone, for example his younger sister had passed away and he didnt even go to the funeral or ever visit her grave.
    His friend who helped me get back to the UK said ” its funny how all this time I have never seen him open car doors for anyone” and then I thought back to one of our very first convos where I told him I liked it when a man held chairs and doors open for his woman, thats when I realized that I was in love with the image he had portrayed to me, the person I thought I loved never existed.
    I contacted his ex wife and she went through everything I went through, from staying out all night, the physical and verbal abuse, and funny enough he would tell her that her butt was too big! Helped me alot speaking to a therapist and letting it all out, I came back home and healing from such an evil man, I really dont understand how some people can just he intent on destroying innocent people who have only loved them, I really hope he dosent hurt anyone else but unfortunately with narcissists always have an endless supply from victims.

  • Don’t we all recognize something is off though from the very beginning? They find out everything they can about you, charm you, its too good to be true, but yet when they talk about past relationships its always someone else’s fault, the exes are bitches – all 15 of them, family feuds its always someone elses fault, even things that most of us couldn’t even draw a remote connection to it being someone’s fault ( a stolen car becomes the brother’s fault because he made him park on the street) is someone elses fault. and you know its just a matter of time until something and everything becomes your fault. And it does, and then when you’ve had enough and start to disengage….charm and endless attention until you are back and then lack of attention and then withdrawal from them, and you start to detach again and ….. all of a sudden they love you and how come you didn’t know that….. and its a rollercoaster that you know and knew the whole time you should never have bought the ticket. But you did and it’s not their fault because the signs were all there, you just chose to ride the ride anyways. And now that you’ve gotten off the nightmare ride which you could have done at any time, you feel free and happy and can resume a normal life again (it happens when you realize that only you can make YOU do things not someone else and that you were a willing victim- be glad you woke up before you became indebted, alcoholic, or engaged in criminal activity, and get help for your own addictive, self esteem issues). Yes a narcissist will always play with the mice so don’t be a mouse, or at least don’t be a mouse more than once! Its a learning experience and don’t play into your own narcissistic traits by blaming the all out narcissist for your actions of getting involved with them. Each person has a part in accepting responsibility for the part they play in every relationship.

    • You are absolutely right starting with your very first sentence. I knew it too. Your last sentence is spot on as well. I had never encountered a full blown narcissist in my life and I’m in my early 60s. It was a lesson I will never forget & never repeat.

  • I am in a whirlwind at the moment. Am I a narcissist? Is he? Are we both? I’ve had a whirlwind relationship with a man I met almost 5 years ago. We both clicked instantly, our personalities were so complimentary it appeared…but we were in other relationships. We started what would be an one off emotional and sexual affair… I left my partner for him and he stayed in his relationship… he went on to fall in and out of love with loads of different girls. I was always there to pick up the pieces. I waited for him to notice me… his relationship before me he was caught having an affair with another woman and went into therapy. I too had been in therapy for my own reasons. He decided he was a changed man and asked his ex to marry him… fast forward 2.5 months later and there he was down on one knee in front of me… he realised that I was the love of his life… gifts, paintings of me, holidays… every time I tried to set up a boundary I caved in… I love him, this is the man I had wanted to be with but I also carried so much hurt for how I had been treated before. ( I couldn’t shake it)At times he became emotional when I would bring it up and other times he would just say but we were just friends, it didn’t mean anything. We are together now. I was one of many many women that was part of this. I hated myself for bringing it up, I’ve been paranoid and jealous of everyone. He called our engagement off at the start of the month. He couldn’t take my jealous and paranoid comments any more. It was about taking time to focus on ourselves. He has been in contact nearly every day. I’ve had to block in all social medias and stop answering messages. I’m trying to set boundaries. In the few times we have spoken he just keeps talking about the hurt I’ve caused him. I know this… I know I’ve hurt him but I can’t take back what I’ve done… when I asked him about what he brought to the relationship he does not seem to recognise he too may have issues with boundaries etc. His self esteem is really low, it potentially always has been and I’ve made it worse by not being able to trust him but everything moved so fast… my self esteem has also been low, I recognise that but for the first time in my life I am starting to address that and starting to feel a little different…can we move on from this? Am I a narcissist? Is he? Is it possible that we’re just a couple of immature romantics who got carried away?

  • This helped me out so much. I was in a relationship with a narc for about 5 months, and I left the relationship feeling like I was crazy. At the beginning, it was all sunshine and rainbows: he sent me flowers, constantly told me how amazing I was, put me on a pedestal, talked about trips we would take together in the future and the idea of marriage (he had just gone through a divorce), focused on pleasing me sexually, etc. And then suddenly, he was withdrawn and made the decision to end it, and started dating another young woman (he’s 10+ years older than me and about the same age gap with her) within two weeks of us breaking up. He made me feel like I was clingy and the problem–that I didn’t understand what our relationship really was–so being able to read this is helping me understand that I’m not crazy, and that this all wasn’t about me, but was about him projecting his insecurities onto me.

    • A very wise person whose name I do not recall wrote the following extremely accurate account: “The narcissist makes YOU seem like the needy one as you react to his withdrawal & withholding patterns even though the expectations of frequent contact were established early on in the relationship by the narcissist himself.” No truer words have ever been spoken to convey how they manipulate and deceive. They are sick, sick individuals. I realize that now & although I was also hurt, they have an incurable mental disorder they will live with the rest of their lives.

  • I fell in love with narcissist this year. I met her on an online game called Word With Friends. She lived 2000 miles away. I was looking to flirt and play. She was married but ‘on her way out’ (which she did). Just recovering from a double mastectomy. After texting and flirting and then talking on the phone we met in person about 3 weeks into it. I flew in to visit family. Had sex the second day. I flew back three weeks later. Absolutely awesome sex. We carried on like that until March about once a month. Talking, texting constantly. She was asking me to be all in. To love her. To be in 100 percent. Spent 5 days together and she never cracked a frown or cross word. So after 7 months I let go and let love flow under the condition she begin the divorce process (which she did, he was out by July 1st after 20 years of marriage, she should have kept him, he was the type that can stay with a narcissist, totally without self esteem poor guy). Within 2 weeks she did a almost breakup. By the following May when we could spend 5 nights together in San Antonio she asked for the first night alone. When I was upset by this she screamed at me DONT COME AT ALL THEN! I cried over that. But eventually went spent all 5 nights. She loved it.
    She constantly professed to need me. I need you. I miss you. All the stuff about being married made her buzz she said.
    And then July. He is out. Things are fine, but… We go shopping for a car a weekend Im in. I am planning on moving September 1st. August 7th out of the blue she tells me she needs to break up. Im in shock.Two days later she changes her mind. I dont see her for a month. I can feel a distance. Its strange. Im still moving. She breaks up twice more towards the end of August. Its crazy. She texts ‘please dont sleep with anyone else”. I am moving in late September. She asks if I would mind if she was with her friends at the lake when I get there.
    Its crazy once I move. 3 days on. then off. then on. She is horrible in the mornings. A mood disorder I put off to her cancer treatments, only the treatments are gone. Its nuts. Im a mess. She acts horrible to me one day after two weeks. I break up. A week later she wants to be back. We talk. She admits to seeing the car salesman from July. Riding on his motorcycle. Cooking lunches. No sex she says. My stomach turns. His wife wont do anything, he needs a friend.
    She says I was putting her down so much. Belittleing her. She needed someone to make her feel good about herself. He accepted her for who she was she says. It still makes me sick to think about it.
    But, me, I set it aside. We make it two more weeks. She is awesome for a week, like newlyweds, and then when I bring up car salesman, BAM. Im controlling. She goes home. Next day apologetic, I still dont know what for because she never said. Four days later she is considering breaking up. I have too much anxiety she says. Haha. Right?
    Next day one more emotional slap in the face and I call it off. I’m a disaster. Cant wrap my mind around her. Who the f*** tells you they love and miss you terribly on Sunday and wants to break up by Thursday?
    Took a good friend a week later to send me a link to narcissist traits. BINGO
    So three weeks now. My email saying change or forget it. Her brief ” I understand. I wish you well going forward. Sincerely, Laura. ”
    That was it.
    I’m a certified expert on narcissists now. I had to know WTF happened and how they tick.
    They are broken by their parents. It is sad actually. I can empathize. They are almost impossible to help. I have no interest in trying. I am focusing on fixing my codependency abandonment issues which led me down this path.
    NCEA is the only way
    No Contact Ever Again.
    13 months it lasted.
    Good luck everyone. I feel your pain. It is a horrible experience and a peer group I could have done without being a part of.
    Peace and real love your way to all here.

  • I see I’m a narc now
    I have Adhd & odd(inconsistent parenting) and 1st born of two narc parents – (my god did the universe come together in a snap when I figured out them both in one instant as I accused mom of being a covert one)

    I dated a girl for 6 years and 8 months and I couldn’t see what I was doing, I have trouble even seeing it now as I type I admit.

    I see some of the patterns talked about for sure and it really pains me to think I’m just playing some game I didn’t even realize I was playing.

    I’m a total Know-it-all who at least works to back his stuff up (your kinda useless totally if you don’t lol…and often I find this is ironically part of my saving grace as it is at least generative of forward development when used right which is my modus operandi)

    I sure as heck wandered around in the Dar for a long time.

    I think I just felt bad when I realized how I was treating her because not of some decision I made but the filter I had.

    I looked down on her but I owned her flaws.
    I ironically talked with her often and I would do the narsasist thing where I would bubble up eventually and then crack and I didn’t even go to long.

    I needed certainty in my
    relationship from before and I was uber controlling …process though…not outcome. The narrative growing up was of my dad doing out come stuff. And cheating and being a dick in general.

    I’m an Eagle Scout and when you realize both my parents where narc’s with 3/4 Adhd kids and odd too- you can under stand why I waited to do family life badge last.

    I had to do 1 family meeting and I Knew how my 66% Adhd Family was like with so being the controlling perfectionist systems thinker I was I created the perfect little system.

    My jaw dropped, 2/3rd of them where in tears. As I designed it to work around all problems by using a talking stick , only I feel, and no you statments, and I moderated.

    oh my God! That floored me to this day that I had gone my entire life without seeing that raw emotion in my family.
    And we even got better the next day.

    I called that feeling the “gooey center”

    And I may have messed up a bunch of things in that relationship that went for 6 yrs 8 m’s

    But I controlled process not outcome for important things. And I’m a perfectionist who just wants to do things right so if it was vacation I came up with a way to make it perfectly equal way to come to a conclusion and make a decision. I like data and stuff.

    I just know even thought I toataly got hung up on flaws, I had issues with control for sure, and I did totally not realize how much I should have appreciated her,

    The main reason we stayed is I refused to give up on that gooey center, I at least know what that felt like.

    In a way I did one thing right there that I’m proud of. The rest I’m trying to figure out because as I sit her tonight one realizes, where do i start and new me stop, and what am I then. Like really. Who is david them goes through your head.
    And how on earth could I also have gone my entire life and not till 31 ever had anyone mention the word narsasist in my family.

    I will tell you,
    Big Irish Catholic Family, f tribe had like 24 cousins in particular.

    Then I find I can trace this from great grandma -> grandma-> mother & father-me&sister.

    It just keeps getting passed down generation to generation without a word.

    I showed up at an aunts house and had the pleasure of dropping this bomb on her lap, and totally reorienting her life and helping her feel it.
    Cluster b families have all their belief systems.

    Near the end I had an argument with mom, Aunt,grandma all where “feelings are facts” and I’m like “NO!!, show your work!” I thought I was going nuts. I’m the knowit all accuracy obsessed logic guy. So I became like that as a protection against them I realize.

    Well the reason no one tells you of this trait in 4 generations is summed up in one word.


    Typical narsasistic family.

    And well, I’m at point where I finally grabbed good view of how this wlrks and I’m trying to record the belief system down, This way I’m going to try and remove that one rule of “image” and drop a bomb and just explain that some how some where we need to talk about this as it provides healing to everyone of one person opens up about it. Others may already know, but not everyone talks so who knows who knows and the only way to get to the future is – Forward- accurate-agreement and agreement is all about communication and EQ.

    So in a way I want to give the family a kinda code of ethics and standard for what we come to understand emotional abuse to be. And that if signs of it show that we reserve the right to pull you out and talk with the cousins directly.

    Mainly because we know what this stuff is. And if needed we know that we need to talk about it.

    And in another way. I get the sense that if I share a bit of my story with family it might even cause my mom to open up a bit while helping all 24 cousins ensure they calibrated their bodies prediction machine.

    Every tribe based in genetic traits , has a method to the mayhem and rules. Know the rules you can challenge and change them. And I can come off as the a*s hole or I can try to be really vulnerable as I do this, vulnerable is the route, because as I told one guy tonight , all the stuff going around is just trauma going around society.

    The problem ironically isn’t the narsasistic trait, it’s the insecurity , lack of shared awareness of how we all work and how to help unwrap the gifts we all have.

    Because if you know how to unwrap our gifts you surely know how to position us properly.

    These families simply need more courageous vulnerable discussions to go against convention and work on ensuring things work out better.

  • I have written a love story, ‘An Ecstatic Rendezvous’ which involves a Narcissist. This is included in a story collection ‘Dreamtime Sensuality’, available in Amazon as e-book, audiobook and print

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