The Narcissist and Revenge

Narcissism is a broad term that is used to describe a wide range of different but related psychological conditions relating to self-love and self-esteem or, more commonly, to self-obsession and exaggerated self-importance. A narcissist, one who possesses an exaggerated sense of self-worth, is unable to handle criticism or perceived ‘attacks’ on his self-worth.

They often become angry because of these perceived attacks and typically lash out in revenge. The narcissist’s ego is out of proportion and so are his or her reactions. Real or perceived disrespect or rejection brings an immediate hostile reaction known as Narcissistic Rage.

The urge for vengeance runs deeply through the narcissist’s blood. Revenge is as prehistoric as life in the caves…it is an act of retaliation for a perceived wrong or injury—time for payback. Yet for a narcissist it is a major influence on his behavior and can be evoked for even the smallest slight.

The relationship between narcissism and revenge is as complex as the personalities of the narcissists themselves. One narcissist may be insulted and seek revenge because of a gesture or word that was not even intended as criticism, while another may only respond in a vengeful manner to direct criticism (constructive or not).

The relationship between narcissism and revenge also varies in the methods used for vengeance. Some may simply attempt to devalue the achievements of the alleged attacker, others will socially undermine them, yet others may fly into a narcissistic rage and attempt to cause physical harm.

Beneath the narcissist’s aura of charm, friendliness and expert social graces, he or she has a dark side apparent to those who live with him or her. Nobody says “No” to the narcissist—unless they want to be the recipient of extreme retribution. Narcissists have very rigid personality structures that do not change.

They have unyielding wills of steel; they insist they are always right, their way is the only way, and anyone who dares to challenge them will be discarded or severely punished. The narcissist plays dirty; he or she is a street fighter.

They are masters of finding weak spots and vulnerabilities of their ‘opponents’ (anyone who defies them or thinks for themselves) and know exactly where and how to turn the screws. Most people are intimidated by the power and force of the narcissistic personality.

Narcissism and Revenge Connection

A lab study conducted by Brad Bushman and Roy Baumeister investigated the connection between narcissism and revenge. Students were told that another participant had proclaimed that their essay was “the worst I’ve ever read.” Those who scored high in narcissism then took revenge by acting aggressively against the person who insulted them. Self-esteem didn’t predict who would be more aggressive after an insult, but narcissism did.

Another related study found that if the insult was a social rejection, narcissists would also be aggressive toward an innocent person (think Columbine, Virginia Tech, and other shootings).

Why Do They Feel a Need for Revenge?

There are a variety of different psychological theories that purport to explain the connection between narcissism and acts of revenge. Freud posited that the various early traumas in childhood sexual development were responsible for narcissistic personalities that lead to feelings of revenge for perceived wrongs.

Other theories describe the narcissist’s need to control his external environment as much as possible. Revenge is aimed at those who attempt to usurp that control and can be seen as an attempt to reassert control.

Another theory suggests that narcissism and its revenge-seeking behaviors tend to develop from a child’s upbringing. Children whose parents gave them excessive praise for even trivial accomplishments tend to handle criticism poorly and respond poorly to a perceived lack of praise.

On the other hand, children who receive constant harsh criticism also find it difficult to handle criticism as adults and are likely to perceive attacks in casual comments. These individuals use revenge as a tool to re-establish their self-worth.

Narcissism, Revenge and Divorce

The world of revenge is dark and murky. It is entangled with secrets, of plots to destroy another by revealing private information that will injure another human being, psychologically and emotionally.

Narcissistic revenge can become especially ugly during a divorce. He or she will stop at nothing to “win”- whether that is grabbing all financial assets, aggressively moving toward full custody of the children or making direct efforts to destroy the professional and personal reputation of his former partner.

During a divorce, the narcissist plots and hatches acts of revenge. One classic ploy is the narcissist’s bullying tactics as he/she convincingly threatens to take their partner down financially and psychologically. Even after the divorce is final, the narcissist often continues the ‘war’.

Many narcissists cannot let go, not because they loved their spouse, but because they can’t stop until they have psychologically destroyed the previous partner. Rumor campaigns are ignited to ruin the reputation and social standing of the previous spouse. Threats are made to change custodial agreements, again not because the narcissist wants to have more involvement in his children’s’ lives, but for the sole purpose of upsetting the ex-spouse.

One of the more potent ploys of the narcissist is to play the victim role. After destroying his ex-spouse’s self-esteem, indeed-their very life, for decades, he claims that he was the recipient of psychological and emotional pain and that the ex-partner was the perpetrator.

The narcissist will never change and is likely to continue delusional cycles of revenge until he or she finds another opponent. Knowledge and insight into the narcissistic personality and developing strategies to combat their war games will increase the ex-spouse’s confidence and have a positive influence as they move on to re-establishing their lives.

They need to do everything in their power to defend themselves in court, to take the assets that they deserve or even a smaller amount if the narcissist is being unfair and ruthless (which is usually the case) so that they can move on to the next phase of their lives. They can avoid further psychological or emotional harm to themselves and their children by not engaging with the narcissist.

Understanding the narcissist and learning how to handle his/her tactics of revenge puts them back in control whether they are married to a narcissist, considering a divorce, in the divorce process or post divorce.


  • Amazing that you are describing my life at the moment. Thank god I never married the father of my two children therefore he has no financial obligation to me with the business we were building together, he moved me from the state from which I had a business and support and now I am in a state fighting for custody and at war. It’s amazing when looking at the theory on why he is the way he is. He was over praised by his mother and criticized by his father.
    whew what a combo, tell me, “this too shall pass”, OMG how tragic, (feeling very sorry for myself this morning)

    • Yes bang on for me too… im actualy backing down to allow him to take our home as if i dont i know he will be even more angry and resentfull… he has kicked the tenant out of our investment property behind my back and says he is going to live there, expecting me to continue to pay half mortgage! he has alread threatened me that if i dont continue to pay my half the apartment will be sold at a judical auction and i will loose my house because of the dept!
      He has said if i buy clothes/shoes out of child support, then our child will have to stop her after school activities
      We have been seperated 6 years and he is getting worse, and I better as i understand his NPD and dont engage..
      I am actualy scared he will start hurting our child in order to “get to me”
      I have never encountered such an evil person… yes, true he thinks he is a victim and above the law, and accuses me of everything that he has done..

      • Yes he is hurting your children already I hope they are older because they will see what’s going on sooner or later … Trust me… My fiance narcissistic ex I found to be a huge coward and was all empty threats(except my loved one believed her) . Educate yourself with laws and follow them. Document everything between you two and if you can walk away from STUFF he threatens you with…. Do it. I did it with my control freak ex. I left with the car and 100$ he made a ton of money and we just built a custom house at the beach. It was just easier and made me a stronger person. I didn’t care about material things anymore because there is no price on freedom. My ex was just a jerk but my fiance’s ex will never give up I read they only get worst with age. The saddest is the children we have the youngest in therapy and the oldest has no friends and dating a version of his mother. My kids were never used as pawns and we did everything for their happiness. My fiance and I are working so hard to undo the damage she caused to them. I also have to bite my tongue alot not to say anything bad about her. Those kids have been her flying monkeys for years with spying on us and reporting back to her. I can only imagine the things she has said about me its pretty bad by the way they think they can treat me. I never spent time with them in the past but now they are always wanting to be here because they are sick of their mother. I see it in the way they are so rude and have no boundaries and ask me very inappropriate questions. Its all her in them and unlike her I demand respect so they are a little afraid of me now. She used them to the extreme to break us up and did not care how much she hurt them. They are 19&15 and still yell that my future husband is picking me over them and their mom. I explained an ex wife does not get a place in line and I always let them come first. We just started with this tough love because the boys or the 15 yr old wants to live here. I think that they thought I was just some w***e their dad wouldn’t marry(wonder if they heard that somewhere?) No one has even told the narc its happening in less then two weeks, our wedding. No one wants to get involved with her crazy drama because I think everyone knows she will go to great lengths to stop it and the kids know she will try and make them do stuff that will get them cut off from their dad(yes if the attitudes don’t change with the boys we are leaving the state) . Its very very sad and I just be as nice as I can to these kids but they do not want to get close to me. It would be a betrayal to their mother and she is their only mother. Sorry it feels good to get it out! Thank you and good luck

  • This article has been so helpful in understand the 4 year separation process I had with my ex-husband who psychiatric report showed him to be narcissistic. Even though I offered him amicability, and a caring, thoughtful process in the mist of his revenge, violence and social persecution of me, including offering him equal settlement and children’s custody, he still took me to court to attempt to get a custody arrangement that no child psychologist in the country would ever agree to. That process wasted huge sums of money, stressed our children immensely, and was all based around revenge. I understand the pattern a lot better now, which was just baffling before! It was absolute hell, as the revenge just drove everything. I’m still recovering and feel very scarred by it.

    • I’m going through a similar situation where my ex is motivated by revenge and not the welfare of our child. I would like to talk with you if possible

  • I left my narcissist husband 4 years ago after 21 years of marriage. It got to the stage where no one in the family was able to watch tv without his approval of the program. I was willing to settle for less than 1/4 of the property, but he still wasn’t happy and is taking me to trial. A waste of a lot of money and time. I’m glad that the children are all grown up, but that doesn’t stop him from seeking JUSTICE as he says it. However this word that he uses JUSTICE – puts me on edge. Could he mean something harmful if he’s not happy with the courts decision. He is a very mean and aggressive man. He has over $100,000 in his bank account and living very well, I on the other hand wake up each morning and think “how am I going to feed myself today”. He thinks he has me exactly where he wants me, but after reading this article I know that I have just a little glimmer of hope. I take a deep breath and think ” it’s not long now”. Thank you for putting excellent article out there for those who are desperately looking for answers to find it. It has helped me so much.

  • l am just getting out of what l am learning now was a 7 year roller coaster relationship with a Narcissist. He would wear me down over and over, come back into my life just as l was moving on in relationships and financially. He ruined me. l lost thousands of dollars to him, with the lie always being when l get work l will pay it back.l lost friends because they saw what l was blind too.l lost respect of my kids because they saw what l refused to see and now they were all right. He took every cent of my savings, gave me an std while stepping out on me time after unknown time. All those times l thought he was at work, he wasn`t which explains now why no money has been returned and never will. l called him on his bluff one day months ago, if he leaves don`t come back and he thought l was lying left and when he came back all his things where outside. l held my ground, blindly thinking he would be back but he had someone on the side,had been bad mouthing me to her for months and went from living rent free and bill free here to living rent free and bill free there. Now l found out he has been depositing money by the 1,000`s has a new work truck she bought him and lm struggling to pay bills and just get back on my feet. Stay away from people like this, they take and take until you have nothing left not even your soul

  • Thank you so much for your comments. I can not tell you how reading the shared stories is helping me get through my life right now. I am in the middle of a custody battle with a narcissist. He has never been officially diagnosed but after researching I know he is. I have injured him narcissistically really bad by having him arrested and charged with domestic assault. So his revenge for me right now is extraordinary. I am hoping it will all be over soon. The custody war rages on and I just hope the court can see that I truly love my daughter and care for her, and that he is just using her to get at me. Anyways, I’m rambling – thanks for sharing everyone. It helps.

    • My daughter is trying to get away from her narcissistic girlfriend. Same thing, was arrested for domestic assault. While getting my daughters things, we came across paperwork that had been missing, clothes that were slowly disappearing, journals with my daughters ss number, dob, bank accounts and pin numbers. She went and changed all the passwords to EVERYTHING my daughter was paying thru automatic withdrawal. She claims our dog is HER dog and that the truck is HER truck although registered to my daughter. My kid is a mess emotionally and asking what she did to deserve this. Is she really an easy target because she has a heart and a conscience. I too am having difficulty trying to deal with this demon. So today she got arrested AND we called her out on her narcissism and we know that we are in for some payback so destructive that we may not survive, and now that we went through her stuff she’s really going to rage. Tonight she broke into my daughters tool she’d and took thousands of dollars worth of tools and there was nothing we could do. The law hasn’t been on our side since this all started. Our narcissist at work playing the victim. I’m going to be an expert on this disorder by the time this is over. I’m reading and reading about it and amazed at how textbook crazy is but terrified for my child. We took a narcissits test and the girlfriend scored a 36 out of 40, whereas us normals ranged from 4 to 10. She is definitely a well seasoned narcissis and I’m at my wits end trying to deal with all this. My daughter just wants her gone. Please someone let me know if u have any advise. My daughter is a shell of what she was 1 yr and a half ago. I believe we will both need therapy after this IF it ever ends.

      • This was written a while ago I hope you cut ties and erased her from your lives. I have become an expert on narcissistic behavior in the last six months. Yes you will need theropy but theropy saved me and my fiance I was just about to leave. My fiance has an ex wife… Narc to the extreme… What I’m mad about is I didn’t catch on earlier can’t blame my guy because in theropy that we go to because of her, his mom(can’t stand her either) and his ex were the two most important women in his life. Both controlling and manipulative he just was so used to it and he is just a nice guy. What I noticed about narcissistics they are cowards!!! Full of s**t and very predictable. So you can so be a step ahead of them if you’re smart and crafty like myself. First of all if you can go “No Contact! “Its hard with little kids but can be done through courts which is pricey. Get them out of your life period. Its been six weeks of only emailing the ex because we are fighting custody but he is 15. It will get ugly because her kids were a source of money and a way to get to my guy. We got it all stopped for two months. She has done so much damage to her kids that we put them both in theropy. She keeps pretending to care about her kids and emails my future husband but he doesn’t know what to say, I on the other hand I did my research, I got her number and know exactly what to say. I have been able to get her to do things my guy has been trying for years to do. Close joint bank accounts, paperwork in 2days instead of 2years ect. So predictable! Any little chance she thinks she can be alone with my fiance behind my back is her source. She doesn’t want him back she wants to control him. That’s why it is just the way to go “no contact” when you were involved with a narc. I have no feelings for my guys ex so she can’t play with my emotions. She is a game to me now but she did controlled me a little with my anger. I let her ruin my days and get under my skin. I never cared what she thought or said about me the hard part is who she says these things to(kids) that I have to bite my tongue and let it go. These people will never get better you can never reason with them. Expose her if you can because its a narcs biggest fear. I’m lucky I told my Guy do the right thing and be patient people will start to notice. They sure did! Her own mother is paying for our lawyer! Sure she tried to smear us on Facebook and accused us of stealing 1000s from her and even hinted Guy sexually assaulted her. We didn’t even respond or defend ourselves because it didn’t happen. Sure enough we gave her no emotions or reaction that she never mentioned it again. Be strong do what’s right document everything and don’t give any emotions good, bad, fear… Nothing to her and look for the signs in people before you get close.

  • The last TEN YEARS of my life, from 29-39, I WASTED completely with This Narcissistic, or Borderline, or BiPolar…BUT ABSOLUTELY MANIPULATIVE and COMPULSIVE and incredibly believable liar. I knew him 15 years before our relationship began, and I KNEW he was a womanizing opportunist. Yet, reunited 6 years later, I became that woman who beleived I WAS THE ONE this gorgeous man would commit and be loyal to. He used my trust in him as a friend with such skill that not only did he continue the lie of separated…then,putting her thru school so we have more to support the family I want with YOU, then, I cant leave my daughter until she is off to college. ..she was 6 when he told me I was his true love. So, shes 15, and what if she stays home for college. Im almost 40 now and probably wont be able to have a child, AND found out how many OTHERs there have been, th latest being a 21yr old stipper who he got pregnant and blamed it on his son,. And after 10yrs he just disappeared. Quite sure his 46yr old self very taken to a 21 year old who gives her money to “daddy’. P.s. His wife is still there, after several talks with me, among many other infidelities he commited, to her and perhaps wrongly, I say me as well.
    This man took me to his wifes bed lying about her, and I realized recently he did the same to me. And expresses NO remorse, apology or even a conversation on the phone to at least provide closure, even a “hey…I found something better…bye”

    • is this man from the dc maryland area? lol I know they all sound the same but that sounds smack on like my ex!!!! makes me want to vomit, literally

    • So sorry…. I have always judged a guy on how he treated and talks about his exes. If he is always the good guy and they are always pyscho. Hum? I have been duped like that 2xs by men I look back on and go “what was I thinking”! They turned me into a player I dated everything always had 2 boyfriends never questioned anything. I refused to get close until on one of my many dates that week for free drinks and dinner. I met him dropped everybody else in less then a week and now I’m marrying him. No one is perfect though! For 4yrs I’ve been putting up with a pyscho ex wife and 2 very different children lets say. Every man has bullshit you just need to figure out how much bs you want to take and how well he treats you. I get treated like a princess so in turn I pretend I like his kids. Now the ex wife had to be gone, or I was, that is way to much bs for me.

  • My narcissist husband is divorcing me. He is claiming I psychologically abused him etc. i simply got fed up and made it clear I was fed up. My lawyer is going after spousal support for cruelty/desertion. My husband told me to leave him alone and not to text him. He has been gone a month and a half and has not had any contact with me for about a week now. Before that there was no contact for one month. Can anyone tell me what to expect from him once he finds out about the spousal support? He actually thought I would just sign divorce papers and be done with it after 12 years of marriage.

    • Hello Joanne. My daughters father was bringing hand written notes to friend of the court for years without my knowledge. My copied counterfeited signature was on these documents erasing his arrearages 300 dollars at a time. To the tune of ten thousand dollars. By the time I discovered this was happening he was almost done paying child support.
      I took him to court and got treated like a greedy pig. His lawyer told the judge I just didn’t want the gravy train to stop. Didn’t matter that he forged my name on documents that NEVER should have been accepted in the first place. Judge asked me why I waited so long to address this. I said I didn’t know it was happening and foc was supposed to be protecting me.
      not only that but when I did ask questions about my case file I was treated like complete dirt. Who knows the stories he sold to these women that worked there but had been doing it for years. Abuse by proxy. Triangulation.
      This man has been working a case against you the whole time you’ve known him. Even when he was love bombing you he was telling friends family coworkers of your abuses. Making himself look like the victim right off the bat cause he knew what his intentions were for you.
      since he initiates his own abandonment he works his preemptive strike right away. You are the enemy. The best defense is a good offense.
      Every woman he encounters will be destroyed. They hate women. Do alot of research and empower yourself to know this man is not human. He’s a predator. Godless. A soul eater. And if he’s asking you to leave him alone run far away. Its a gift from god to take back your life.

  • My niece was brutally beaten and criticized by her mentally-ill mother till the child turned on the mother in her early teens, driving her mother to suicide. It was a h*llish time. Subsequently, the father had no idea how to take care of her. He put her into a psych unit where they declared she was developmentally-arrested at age 10. That was a kind way of saying she had narcissistic personality disorder. This child did everything possible to get into trouble. Her father died a few years later, leaving her the house, property, etc. which she promptly lost to creditors, who forced a sale to get money owed them. That left her homeless. She never finished high school, and had two children, both of whom had to be removed from her “care.” She potty-trained the first one by forcing his head into a toilet, and, having government support, allowed the second one to run wild and to be beaten by a homeless man she allowed to live with her. She was arrested for assaulting a witness to a crime she committed, and whined about being in jail till I moved heaven and earth to get her released. She drove drunk, eluding arrest, at age 20, catapulting off an overpass and requiring intensive care for months.
    Life with her has been an ongoing stressor. We have helped her, moved her belongings from here to there (she has lived in 17 different places in the past 20 years). She is never grateful, or appreciative. She cons people into thinking she is a delight.
    A few months ago, she discarded me because her son told me he did not want to see her because it was boring and annoying. She flew into a rage, called the police one night at 4 am, and trashed my gardens, destroying an especially valuable plant. The police actually rang the doorbell at 4:30 am because she had called them to say her child was being abused. Of course, it was a lie–he is never abused here–and the police were rather sheepish when they discovered, of course, that we were all asleep. Duh.
    The saga goes on and on. She is moving again, out of my neighborhood and to a different town nearby. It has been a nightmare.

  • This article and these comments are very comforting. They reflect why i’ve been separated for years, but don’t have a divorce. He has tried to ruin my reputation, telling everyone I’m crazy. His charm is wearing thin as he gets older though and what I found is I finally don’t care what he or his weirdo church friends think. Fine. I’m the devil incarnate. Leave me be, then. But he doesn’t. He plays the martyr and makes it look like I need him. I know that even divorcing him, he will not stop at trying to destroy me. That’s been his hobby all these years. Somehow he thinks if I look bad, he somehow looks better. How does that work exactly? Mine doesn’t have that sexual charm that many of them do, so I think unless some woman seeks him out, he’ll be content to be the “perfect” father in order to show the kids how much better of a parent he is. Who does that? Kids need both their mothers and their fathers. Well, maybe not when one of them only cares about himself, but they’ll have to figure that out. My husband was raised by a narcissistic and he has a lot of injury from it, but he turned on his mother (who played doormat) and he still believes his father is perfect. It’s frightening his lack of insight.

  • My sister is the holy terror in our family–and has been for three years. After a “holiday” with her and my mother–during which time she went on an Ativan/alcohol binge–I (literally) went from being her best friend to her worst enemy when I suggested that No, Mom and I didn’t hide your beer . . . you must have done something with it. She escalated out of control in anger for the next three days, and not only wrecked the garage door by taking the car out when drunk, she stated her intention to commit suicide (twice).

    When she had locked herself in her room and I called 911, I became the Great Satan in her life. She has since spent the past three years diligently trying to destroy my reputation. Lies, projection, sheer psychotic fantasy, bullying, ranting about me on social media, talking about how terrible I am to absolutely anyone who will listen; trying to blacken my name to relatives; regular e-mail attacks (which now also include my mother and brother, because they believe me. My Mom was there. She knows) . . .

    She even manipulated a psychologist that my Mom and I had seen after she threatened my mothers life, and he–as a result of her lying–denied saying the things that he did–indeed–tell us the day we visited him. (As my sister had been established as a danger to my mother, the fact that he agreed to see her at all was, in my opinion, unethical, and I believe he created an inappropriate multiple relationship) Both her–and his–betrayal has been unbearable and while I live across the country from her, my Mom lives but a few blocks away from her, so I’m never free of of the hell that is my sister. I am concerned for my mother, because I truly believe my sister capable of killing her.

    I rarely respond to her e-mail attacks, since I know them to be her attempt to get a “fix,” but that doesn’t stop the emotional battering that never ends . . .

    • That is happening to us also. Has anyone ever gone to court against a narcissis strictly for the dog. I mean, we have to go to court to have a judge decide whose “property” our puppy is! This is getting so out of control. This narcissis is on a rampage and unfortunately we are the ones she’s taking that rage out on. So, how can we win? We have police reports and witnesses but it’s not looking good. She plays the victim well. I KNOW if she gets the dog she will kill it and leave him on our doorstep just to destroy my daughter. Where are they coming from? Or have I just been blind to them? We are blue collar respectable human beings with big hearts and trust to easily but in the past two weeks we have had to start dealing with 3 different narcissis! Like seriously, we’re small town people who didn’t realize these “monsters” would be in our lives, destroying us slowly. My whole family has been affected by her and I’m getting so tired of police and fights and ALL of it. I’m breaking down too but I’ll be damned if the narcissis sees it. How much longer do we have to deal with this? Do u think she will show up for court about the dog? She already has her next supplier whose been helping her “move” so I can only hope she will lose interest in us but unfortunately her new supplier is her ex girlfriend before my daughter and about 10 yrs younger than the narcissis so she’s just a fix until another big supplier comes. Meanwhile we are completely broke and in debt to our ears because of trying to please her. Jesus why is this happening? My best friends cousin has moved himself into HER home and she hasn’t been able to go home for 2 weeks Cuz he attacks her if she does go home. My surrogate grandchildren mother and father separating but he’s JUST an alcoholic haha I’ll take him over our current misery maker any say!

      • I have asked that question so, SO many times: “WHY ME? What did I ever do to deserve this…….?” Nobody ‘deserves’ it, but how did I end up with this ‘soulless monster”? HOW, in 49 yeats, did I not know about, or HOW was I never warned or have knowledge of someone like this? Every single story is IDENTICAL-only the names, environments and locations change. I can relate with so much of what you state, of almost every story I am reading, actually. I am from a hard working, blue collar, big hearts and very giving family. I am married to my N. This illness is not recognized in the community in which I live, and my circumstances in our ‘matriage’ are about as bizarre as the day is long. I feel like that ’empty shell’ you describe(which is how I stumbled onto this N, I thought was the ‘man’ I married. Well that, and the sudden cruel behaviors, plus suspected cheating). I am also, just really, very VERY TIRED and have been managed down. I want more out of life and a relationship(specifically, I would like to know what it feels like to be alive again.Maybe, even, to know how it feels to be loved again.) But I am afraid to leave, whatever this situation is, but this guy is clearly, not the guy I love with all of my heart and soul, OR, the guy I married….TWICE. Oh, there is so so much, and it really sickens me, that not a soul understands, or even has a clue, so I keep to myself and I bet you understand EXAXTLY what I am saying. They jusy get away with everything because, just like every one of them has done from the beginning of their victim’s time, they’ve staged out our WHOLE future existence. I have often wondered if this will be our fate, because it basically, it will never EVER end anyway! THERE IS NO END TO IT… Or do we go thru a neverending war, to TRY to reclaim our lives(which we will never be the same, generous giving, happy and trusting people with the strength we possessed, prior to being stripped of our heart and souls, again). AND OUR DOGS?! YES…YES, EVEN A THREAT OF TAKING MY DOG, which was given to me by my son(specially picked from his dog’s litter. My son has her mother and brother). But if I piss him off(not allow him everything his heart desires), as I already have done, he tells me the courts view the dog just like a child and he “will go after her IF….”, so you’re not speaking any foreign language to me! And yes, ONLY because he knows how special she has been to me, when he wouldn’t come home at night for over a year’s time. Almost as if hes doing me a favor, now he just never comes home, AT ALL(this ends having me wonder where he is. He simply decided one night he now lives with his mother. Stole my only vehicle after HIS brand new 60000$ Jeep was repo’d and ran off with a 2400$ reimbursement, business check, that was to pay OUR rent, which was 2 months behind. We also lost our business prior to this, due to all of the same nonsense that goes along with NPD, which is ALSO, ALL of my fault. IT IS ALL EXHAUSTING, just thinking about, and trying to explaun!! So back to my question, which is, which is worse, due to the fear of divorce?! The past and present(which there is much more than I am stating here. MUCH MORE!), OR, what is about to take place(lies, deceit, arrests and ALWAYS PRESENT IN MY FUTURE, like bad karma about to happen……? I am at a loss, but thank you for allowing me to get it out of my head and voiced(wishing it would lessen the anxiety of what will take place next, as he backs his threat of doing whatever it takes……” This is all just insane and there isnt one person who deserves to endure this type of terrorizing. I often wake, crying, with the grim thought of living this nightmare out, the rest of my days here. Why does it seem to be ‘THE, ABSOLUT, BEST KEPT SECRET’, is also a question of mine? Perhaps, the answer is just as my thoughts have often gone, as I isolate myself: ‘Forget it. It’s too hard and long to explain to someone that wouldn’t understand if not living it anyway.”

  • I am a daughter if a Narcissistic Mother. After 40 years I had enough this Christmas when she threw one of her tantrums, then preceded to call my teenage son (aspergers) a fxxn slow, told him he has ruined everyone’s lives and that if his Poppy ever had anything terminal that he would come and get rid of him fir good!! Disgusting doesn’t even describe that!! Now, days later (I have limited contact to almost nil) her latest threat (because I won’t let her mind my 3 yr old now) is that she is going to contact services, my ex (hasn’t had contact since youngest was 2 months old)/his parents etc and say that my Aspergers son is a danger to youngest, blah blah and more. My dad is her enabler and my 3 older siblings ALL did no contact over 15 years ago. They cut me too cos I was the so-called golden child. I can’t recall my mum singing to me, reading a book with me…never a maternal, loving bond. Her tantrums are volcanic….I fear what’s to come!

  • I have been in divorce now for over 2 years with a complete narcissist. He beat me and tried to rape me on his way out after finding an email he didn’t care for. He is absolutely the most manipulative person I have ever met. He has conned more people than anyone can count. He has more judgements than should ever be allowed. He has changed his business name at least 12 times yet he walks free. He has waged war on me. Dragging me through court. Manipulating the system. Brainwashing at least one of my 4 children. The pain never seems to end. He files motion after motion and the court listens. He has been arrested 6 times, me never, yet he has somehow convinced my 11 year old son and law guardian that he is the victim. Will this ever end???

  • Tragically, the embarrassment of having been the target of bullying, along with feeling all alone, often keeps victims quiet about what happened to them, which then further obscures the machinations of the abusers and results in more people being victimized by them. If people realized that many others can relate to and understand their undeserved miserable experiences, they could network, mutually support each other, and expose predators to reduce their ability to destroy the lives of others.

    Join the resistance. Tell your story. Truth is on our side.

    • I believe all those courageous individuals that have survived a relationship with a Narcissist will bome stronger and more resilient in time. N’s groom their victims.
      Initially your N makes you feel oh so special. You will do anything for your N. They soak up the heaps of praise and adulation you pile on them…preening themselves in frontvod the mirror “ALARM BELLS SHOULD HAVE RUNG THEN”
      Their daily phone calls and text messages reinforce your love for them…they are so attentive…they’ve got ya…hook line and sinker.
      Then the nastiness….the mentioning of other women…this throws you of balance. The phone calls stop abruptly. You phone them and it’s like you’re communicating with a stranger.
      Then the personal criticisms start. Other odd behaviour including moodiness…getting cross if you don’t do what’s asked of you….they will suck your resourcefulness and finances but rarely contribute,to anything.
      Worst to follow are the mind games…arriving late. Thus makes you feel anxious which gives them some kind of thrill….Same thing with texts…They will not answer them in a timely way…will read and ignore.
      They are accomplished liars and believe it is their entitlement to be treated like a god….even though their victims become their doormats.
      Psychologists state that you should not think you can change a Narcissist….you can’t!
      Best advice which is echoed throughout all the blogs is to try and leave the relationship before you lose your sanity … DITTO

  • How long does Revenge stay with the narcissist? Say if your N trys to kill you at gun point for taking back control and you get a restraining order and the year is almost up, what are the odds he will try to do it again?

  • My father is a narcissist and my mom divorced with him. I’m the younger of three and back then the most vulnerable. He was never a real father before the divorce by since then I wanted to return involved with my life. I did everything he said, I listened to him, I believed him. He ruined my life and I didn’t noticed it until now, 6 years later. I ran away and now I live with my mom but he is trying to get to me. He is texting me, looking at my schoolsite to know where I am, he even drove to my house when I was there, he is lying to my therapist witch makes my recovery almost impossible. He stole my childhood and now he is trying to steel my life. This sounds really dramatic but it’s how I feel and you can’t blame a depressed 14 year old girl. My father always played the victim of the divorce. It was never his fault. And if you said “no” to him he got so so angry. He never hit me or anything but I was scared of him. That maniak look I his eyes when he was angry. It scared the s**t out of me. And nobody understands. I can’t tell my therapist because I can’t explain it. I can’t explain his behavior and he will tell them that he isn’t a narcissist.

  • I am the step-mother of a nightmare ‘N’. I didn’t have any idea how terrible she would be until after I married my husband (her ex). And I didn’t know what a ‘N’ was until I was an adult learning about what they do and why.
    I was never a part of their divorce or a reason for it. All I did was step up to the plate to be a step-mother to my husbands 2 girls. I have been treated poorly and disrespected. Never appreciated for all I do for the girls too. It’s always bad mouthing comments to me and for some reason she always seems to make me feel like I am doing something wrong. I am a strong believer that these people are just plain crazy and can’t be helped. I have never experienced a relationship like this before. To her I am a perfect stranger; she doesn’t know me or anything about me. The girls are now old enough to manipulate the situations for her liking as well. I am the cause to all these troubles. Always have now and always will be the reason for why the girls are always “disappointed.” And I don’t have a clue why? I haven’t done anything to cause disappointment. I do nothing but offer my love and support to these girls I chose to become a parent to. All I get is run down and tore down from this woman. I know for a fact that I am going to write a book about how she threw away her husband and family and has allowed me to be happy with them. If only she would learn to leave me alone. So frustrated and wish she would get on some medications that work for her. I will be seeking therapy through my book writing!
    Pray for all the ‘N’ of the world that they will leave us alone and move one with their lives to be happy…probably alone but maybe happy while they are along because how can they disappointment themselves if all they have are themselves.

  • Hi,

    My ex a N asked for a divorce. I have two boys 15 and 18. Married 16 years, we tried marriage therapy once it lasted 30 minutes before she walked out. She has many of the symptoms. My boys will see me, but I feel like she has brainwashed them. Is their any way to know for shore she is a narsciscist. I am a good father but I have major depression and anxiety. I was in the hospital 2 times. She has no apathy for me and or hers who are disabled, she has said she was a lawyer to get her way, she has money and plays with the kids. The kids act like she is the victim of divorce. The kids and my wife have told few people of divorce.

    I truly appreciate any way I can deal with my boys who are not on my side, and I’m scared.

    God bless you all


  • I honestly believe I married the Devil himself who was in a disguise …who came in for of my husband.There is nothing he didn’t do to me name it…He did it oh and even now after divorcing me he still is hurting me as we have small kids together..I absolutely dispute this man for how he abused me for almost a decade .I was an outgoing bubbly person who was loved by many and adored by many but today I am just a corpse who is breathing.I am absent minded am always in pain from fibromyalgia.i am clinically depressed and on strong anti depressants am on a pain management plan as my specialist feels I’ve suffered a lot of trauma that’s caused all my joint pains and muscle and nerves to be Affected ,i have been neglected by him when I was down and expecting my kids he beat me in my pregnancy 10 X and would spit on me if we argued over why he was smoking skunk!.He sat on my 8 mth pregnant stomach and denied it he did..held scissors to my throat,locked me in one room for 5hrs while I was 9mths pregnant and when I was expecting our 2nd child he not only twisted my arm all the way to the back but stood on my foot and rubbed it so hard that my flash came off and it was badly brushed. .He made a fb account just so he could cheat and made a profile to check up on me.He cheated on me on several occasions and lied he hasn’t. Would never buy clothes or food for his kids.he kicked me and my little boy out of his house when I was pregnant with our second child and I went through 9mths of pregnancy all by myself and he came just 2wks before I gave birth ..There was me thinking he’s wanting to be involved and wanted to be there for the birth..little did I know he had plotted revenge…just 12urs before giving birth he said to me he’s leaving and told our little boy who was only 3 that daddy is gonna go as he doesn’t like his butch crazy mother..These are the words he told our child.I went into labour the following day..I was already in labour when he walked out.he knew I was having contractions and I needed him here as I could go into hospital any min .But he left and he never even msgd to find out what happened…The day I went in to labour I fell off the stairs in my home and bruised my back as I was getting my hospital bag ready..not only was I in labour but I also had a fall and I was alone with no help! 3yrs old child watched his mother in labour and crying.than god my parents lived close by who not rely were very supportive but due to having nobody I had no choice but to leave my child with my sister while my parents drove me into mother who I never got along with was there….but it meant nothing to me felt alone even with her presence.she didn’t do much except just sit there…I was all alone god gave me a beautiful boy who instantly lit my world when he came out.The following day I took a taxi to my parents without telling them and wanted to go home after collecting my son but I was in so much pain from pushing that I dislocated my hip and was unable to even climb the stairs.i styes a few night at my parents and was soo uncomfortable the whole time as I have always been let down by them and others..I got my babies and went home..that day we slept in the living room and I felt fear in such a way that I have never felt before…I was afraid of going upstairs to the bedroom.i knew it was hormones and just the effects of after birth that was causing this strange feeling.I never felt so happy as I did when looking at my little baby cos he got me through the most troubling times and he made me forget the pain of going through hardship .But soon after a few myhs his father showed up begging to allow him to see the baby…He the wolf in sheep clothing manipulated me into letting him back into our lives.I was so naive and so gullable that I forgave him!!!..and just a few days into entring our house he was threatening me with how he will leave me and will start cheating if I don’t let him see kids.He then started to use abusive language again..It was all happening again!.It felt it was just a nightmare that would not end.He never bought my little one any clothes nor milk formula nor nappies.But would only come for a few minutes a week to see their faces. .For him just seeing them evn through the windows for a second was more than enough as he wasn’t capable of giving his time to the kids.As for me?..He hated me with a passion..He always used the word “payback” a lot if I said something to him for how he hurt me.He would then say how ugly I am and how fat I am..Also he would always insult my woman bits..female anatomy and say it is too stretched and like a bucket f****..He would call me an ugly fat Mother f***** ugly fay bas****..or his usual twat and pick. .never called me by my name .Today after 5yrs of having my second son.He finally walked out and said I’m divorced and said I need to accept it’s over and I told him I accept it is but why he chose to randomly just do this…One min we were talking about celebrating something g and next he just flipped and that was that…now 5mths mths on and he says I am leech who is Just too desperate to get him back and is shameless for wanting to make his see what he is doing is wrong and for him to change his ways for the sake of our kids..but he doesn’t see an issue in his now I’m just learning to get over hin and be me for once .

  • You forgot to mention that the Narrassictic revengeful person will even attack anyone in the Ex’s life. This includes relatives, girlfriends, children, new spouses, siblings, etc. by stalking, lying about, making up sick twisted stories, using children to carry out stalking, destruction, stealing, lying or alienation and will include neighbors, lawyers, therapist, agencies the person will often lie to to get help with their revengeful plot to destroy lives. They act like they believe their own sick lies, but then will often say things like, “Stupid people deserve to be manipulated for being so stupid for falling for my plan”, or “It’s so easy to get revenge, no one knows I have planned this all along because I act so innocent”, “You know I know people so you better just give me what I want”. Now with that said, They are great manipulators playing their part in many settings. Often, the revenge they feel they need or deserve can be triggered by just questioning them on one of their lies, or just because you are related to the person they seek revenge on. The saddest part is when they uses children in their plot, and to me that is Psychological Abuse! I believe we need laws for this to save the children from this type of abuse as it often develops into Naraccustic Children or worse!

  • Reading these stories I can truly relate to the feelings of going crazy. The love you, I need yous, to the hate you, demeaning as a women, person, human being. The lies, the finacial ruin, the cheating and denial with proof. Ugggh. Most people have no idea how convincing they are to squeeze back in to your life, only to destroy you more, deeper, and harder.
    Just begining on my divorce journey, with a man I love so dearly no matter how much convincing to myself, the need gor him to take away the pain he gives me, is so strong. But I know this time, I need to keep on the path of away from him. Possibly because i lost friends, family, my support network due to his convincing me I needed to focus on reconcile for us with my “paranoia” of lies and deception again. The drinking he hid, the women, forging my signitures and debt charged in my name, cheating, the downgrading, the anger, the witholding of affection, the times he physically hurt me, all are clear in my mind and after each event, every split up, the suicidal threats…weakened me, so quick to believe the I’m sorry, i love you, cant you see I’m trying? You are my world, theres no me without you….and everything I have not mentioned, good or bad…
    Now 4 mos pregnant, begining divorce before I loose my mind. Found texts inviting another woman to sleep with himand her replies/his replies, brought it up, arguments, cops came. Nothing I can do about anything since we are married, and everything in my name is his, even though i pay bills, he plays with his money. I am legally a doormat, wallowing in debt and fear, oldest child resentful to me, old enough to see i need to be stronger, and for her to believe the lies he feeds her about me. Sigh. I feel so alone. Im so scared, and frustrated. He walked out weeks ago, texts me i love you to guilt me into spotting him $ or bring him clothes ect nice for a bit….then ignores me for days, and insults me with any opportunity he can and tells me how selfish and crazy I am. And i have to accept this/that about letting him stay involved in pregnancy/birth. I still legally cannot change locks on door (he refuses to return keys although he has another apt) i get to pay his phone bill, car payment, insurances, ect.
    Just a mess. Drowning in regret of buying the lies of love.
    I pray for strength daily, but over time, i have given in because i want to believe there is good in him. Sometimes, i believe he does have it, just not for long periods of time. Other times I believe it is a self serving purpose only, driving myself crazy trying to understand what I never will. I only heard of Narcissism because my neighbors husband told me he is one, and they are seekng therapy, and he believes my soon to be ex husband resembles much of his own dilemmas.
    Sleepless nights, physically sick, worn down.
    For everyone who endured many many years of this…. I cannot even fathom your strength and courage, i know my endurance is wearing thin.

    • It’s hard staying away specially when children involved, they become a great weapon in a narcs weapon stash. Can I just say you are stronger and more capable than you realise, you can’t see it because your narc doesn’t want youto to see it because then you gain control of you again, that’s why they slowly wear you down to a shell of a person. You will be ok. From what I understand in your post you have Been through the s**t, but you are still here and you have already endured. I wish I could just say yeah it’s easy but it’s not but you gotta keep pushing through and start believing in yourself. I still get sucked in with my ex, then it repeats and it hurts like hell but it gets easier, a good start that helped me was learning to be alone. Once you get used to being alone their is so much fulfilment in solitude. Delete your fb and social media, get outside, go for walks, find yourself again, hangout with other mums and stuff but make sure they are positive. Its true you do become what u surround yourself with. I wish ya all the best truly. Tomorrow is a new day. You will win this and you will learn from it. Peace

  • I left my partner 10 years ago for the violence and craziness my life was in when I was with him. Our son was 16 months old when I left. He took my son away from me the night I said it was over and didn’t tell me where he was going. I had to go to court and get a recovery order to get my son back. It took over a week, which felt like a lifetime. Since leaving him his life’s ambition is to take vengeance on me anyway possible. He has had many other girlfriends during this time and even now has married and still is as bad as ever. People think he’s wonderful and sometimes I think is it me! He is amazing how he gets people to believe the things he says about me and my current partner. He stops at nothing to get at me. He will often use our son in many of his tactics to get at me cause he knows that’s my weak point. I feel so exhausted and lifeless because of this man. I’m constantly having to deal with the petty things he throws at me almost daily. I can’t see this ever getting better until my son is old enough to make his own decisions. I feel I’m forever wishing our lives away for the day he has nothing he can hurt me with. It’s a sad existence

  • Nearly 20 years after my divorce, my ex is still conducting a smear campaign against me. It got really bad when he remarried (wife #3), and teamed up with a woman who was known as The Dragon Lady at work. They basically brainwashed my son (Stockholm syndrome) to the point where as a young adult he was completely alienated from me (with the help of my own sister, whom now he won’t deign to speak with). He left me with as little money as he possibly could (even his divorce lawyer called him an ***hole in front of me in the conference room), and then used my poverty during the 2008 recession to continue his belittling of me. He said at the time of the divorce he would win, and he never let go of that idea. He constantly harassed me, changed our custody schedule, and cut back on child support payments (he worked in the family court system, of course, so he knew just what to do). He took a computer I bought for our son and sold it. He refused to pay half of a monthly $15 mobile phone bill, and yet he’s a millionaire. He is a horrible, nasty man, and I will celebrate if I hear he dies before me. I wish I had never met him. Having a child and losing him to this monster is worse than never having had kids at all. He ruined my life. I didn’t even realize what a PD was until I was abruptly broken up with by another one 10 years after my divorce. Then all the pieces fell into place. Now I have zero, ZERO, tolerance for even a whiff of PD. If you are reading this and can get full custody of your kids (and pets, cars, homes, whatever), do it. Move across country, get away, do whatever you have to do. The best solution is absolutely no contact, which forces them to work on a fresh source, but it’s hard to do if there are kids involved. Forget about warning other people about them; they’ll just make you look like the crazy one (gaslighting). I must have done something terrible in a previous life to deserve what I got in this one.

  • My exs smear campaign on me was brutal socially, she convinced me I was a narc while also making it clear to others that I was. So I did some research and realised it was the other way around. We all demonstrate narc abilities in some shape or form but upon careful research I know I’m not a narc, I’m very gentle and caring and sometimes wish I was a narc so I could at least have some delusion in my self worth or confidence. I admit I am an easy target for a narc but that’s not a bad thing. The point I’m trying to make is there is such a grey area with what this article says about a narc saying to the victim that they are a narc, she tried a few things first actually. She told me she thought I have aspergers, few months later ive apparently got bipolar, then once she found the narc excuse she would pick apart these sort of articles and try to apply them to me somehow, what was more disturbing is she was on this warpath before I even knew about it, she blocked me from her facebook while we were together, I didn’t care but family and friends that actually know me started asking if I was ok. I was like yeah im good why? Well for weeks she was convincing her peers I was an abusive narc, then later I realised why. She wanted to leave me and take my son and needed social backing to achieve it. Is that messed up or what? Played me like a fiddle, worked my butt off all day, come home to a detached zombie on her phone (i didn’t know at the time but she was already grooming her next guy while still living at my place), yet I still persisted on the romance and, nurturing, rub her feet cook her a nice dinner, ask her about her day ( which she took as me being controlling) just the little special things. Weeks later on the day of my sons first bday waiting for family to come over etc, she has a random woman looking at me like im a monster picking her up and grabbing my son as if they were in danger and left. So reading th is article just reiterates how important it is to see the signs. She set and planned everything in motion and with a big impact to her satisfaction, I ended up heavily depressed, ended up in suicide watch, lost my job and my house, because the woman I loved just in one fell swoop took everything away, my social life, my son, my mental health because of years of just getting head f****d. If you think you may be a narc coz your partner says so, well maybe do some research. Coz more than likely you are being played by a master.

  • Was married to man I feel is a narcissist. Our marriage ended when he was caught in be with our 19 year old Nanny. He beat me and left me with our 3 small kids in their rooms in Middle of night. The days, weeks following I endured email, social media messages and phone calls filled with threats and horrible comments. From not only my ex but the Nanny he left with. The police said I provoked the beating (the ex and Nanny said I attacked him..she scratched and beat I him and came up with story for the police when questioned). I divorced him. But he seemed to feel that he to tell everyone that I am this horrible monster he only married because i was pregnant. Which is not true we were married 16 months before our oldest was born. He also has had made people believe I don’t allow him to see his kids out of a vengeful spite I have over our divorce..that i am using kids to get back at him. He has refused to pay child support unless he is jailed for warrant. He uses the excuse that kids don’t get money I use it to go drinking and sleeping around on his buck. I haven’t had a single drink in 9 years. I also have been single until 2 years ago..which the relationship is long distance. Anyway..he recently was imprisoned for failufailure to pay support. He also has had no contact or attempt at contact for 4 years with the boys. He has contacted me telling me I am going to jail for not letting him see he his kids and i would do everyone a favor by dying. I have done really well by not going into a fight. However, now that he has been but in jail for 2 year sentence I am extremely worried that he will get out and try and harm me or the kids. I don’t know what to do and am extremely worried.

  • I am divorcing and I have been fighting myself against three attorneys….alone without money nor family in USA where I am living now (CA)… Imagine all I have had to deal with emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually… than God I believe in Him and rely on Him and stick to Him and that has kept me up to this point but I am needing a little extra help in order to make it and get out of this divorce battle I have been fighting for 1 year 4 months … if you can help me, even with little, I will appreciate very much your help as I need help for the extra things need, particularly, court’s things, ink, filing paperwork, serving, mailing….. God bless all of you who have been so damaged by a person with mental disorders or without a heart. Blessings!!!

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