Q & A: The Narcissist and Public Defamation

Q: Thank you for this fantastic resource! My ex-partner displays many characteristics associated with NPD. He seeks adulation and sympathy by shifting between having an inflated sense of self and playing the role of victim. We have been separated for two years now and for the first six months I found myself responding to his manipulation in different ways. I soon realized that the only way to get him out of my life was to have no contact.

Since then I have not initiated contact with him and completely ignored his attempts to contact me, even when he has made defamatory comments about me on public websites. My query is in regards to a narcissist’s reaction to authority. I have the right to protect myself physically/emotionally, but also to protect my reputation. I am happy with the no contact policy (because it does work for the most part), though of course I would contact the police if he ever physically threatened me. I am, however, unsure what to do in the case of defamation. I should note that defamatory comments were not provoked, though I believe he believes there is provocation. It seems that he’s looking for any excuse to punish me and I think this is likely to continue anytime he sees fit. I have considered taking various forms of legal action against him, but I am concerned this will only incense him. As someone who always sees himself as the victim, I think he is likely to see any legal action as unwarranted persecution, which will increase his retaliation (like a red rag to a bull). I have seen this happen when someone has interceded on my behalf and he was incredibly offended. This is hardly surprising, given that he can’t see his own behavior as wrong or take any real responsibility for it. In your experience is there any reason to think this behavior will stop and, if not, are there any effective ways to handle public defamation? Thank you. Please do not publish my name or email address.

A: Good for you for using the No Contact rule; as you stated, it DOES work for the most part. I would highly recommend continuing the No Contact rule as a response to his defamation. Admittedly, I don’t have all the facts here…where is he publicly commenting? Is it in a social media context, in person, or in a business context? If it is social media- let it go. Remove him from your list so that you don’t see the comments. In my experience, eventually he WILL move on if, and only if, you give him NO response whatsoever. No defending yourself on these sites, no interceding by third parties, no response–NO RESPONSE- whatsoever. The same goes if it happens in person- do not show any reaction on your face or in your body language- at all. Pretend and act like it was never said. Difficult to do, but gets easier with practice. If it is in a business context, you might want to consult with an attorney/solicitor. If he is doing actual harm to your business reputation and you can prove it, it may be worth pursuing legal action. But your comments above (which I put in italics) is spot on. You have good insight into the thoughts and behaviors of the narcissist.

  • I began pursuing legal help against my narccisistic mother. My N.M. physically abused my child. These NPD types reallllly feel above the law. If you can catch him slandering you in a smear campaign- or any other illegal activities-do it. Beware of the wrath though-I say just stay two steps ahead of him. I was raised by a npd mother and ran off and married a npd man just like her. Its taken me ten years to get free from them both. I have been no contact for years. When I filed a complaint against my mom she used my ss number, found my addy and decided to have my gas shut off in dead of winter to “mess w me!” Only hurting her grandchild. These people are ruthless. Catching them in a web of lies and illegal activity can be done. I find when the authorities really came in…my ndp abusers felt outt of control.Look for papertrails they leave them. Npd individuals are abusive..I know many npd child abusers or on a npd child abuse coverup crew. They abuse all who try and love them. When dealing with ur ex…..remind yourself he has no heart..a black soul and do not put up with his abuses. I’m tired of the NPD pple getting passes because we should fear them. Its time to stand up to them,and I do reccomend a lawyer or womans advocate maybe even a counselor or doctor….just get someone on your side!! I’ve been in a long fight,and its been hard but day to day I’m free of those NPD sickos. My daughter is happy and they do not care. Avatars,as Sam Vaknin says……shills of a person. That’s what we are dealing with! Good luck and power on!!!!

  • It’s important to not react to the person trying to destroy your reputation. They are doing it to hurt you, they want to see you hurt, and angry. They WANT YOU TO RESPOND! They want you to fight back, because once you fight back, they turn into the poor victim. And accuse you of exactly what they are guilty of. They are hoping for you to react and respond so they can play the victim afterwards and vilify you.

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