The Narcissist and Intimacy

Narcissist and IntimacyIf you are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you may find that the relationship is less intimate than you thought it was. It is probably intense, time-consuming, long-lasting, and uses a great deal of your mental energy—but intense is not the same as intimate. An important test of intimacy is to ask yourself the following questions: “is this relationship a safe haven where I feel loved and accepted for being me?” and “do I trust the other person and do they trust me?”  If you cannot answer ‘yes’ to both of those questions, read on.

A narcissist can be extremely good at giving the appearance of intimacy… and he will turn it on and off at his pleasure. He may run hot and cold- going in and out of being highly somatic and needing a sex partner. When he’s needy, he offers intimations of intimacy that are very appealing and hard to resist. It’s easy for his partner to think this time he’ll be different, but… he’ll go back to being selfish immediately once he’s got his gratification. Narcissists are the ultimate users.

Fear of Intimacy

People with personality disorders are fearful of real, mature intimacy. Mind you, intimacy is formed not only within a couple, but also in a workplace, in a neighborhood, with friends, or while collaborating on a project. Intimacy requires emotional involvement; it is the result of interactions with others in constant and predictable (safe) close relationships.

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder interpret intimacy as codependence, emotional strangulation, and the demise of freedom. They are terrified by it and avoid it; their self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors are intended to tear apart the very foundation of a successful relationship, career, project, or friendship. Narcissists feel elated and relieved after they unshackle these ‘chains’. Narcissists are simply indifferent, callous and careless in their treatment of others. Their abusive behavior is usually offhanded and absent-minded, although when they feel threatened or are in the devaluation process their behavior can be calculated and premeditated.

Emotional intimacy occurs when we share ourselves deeply with another person. Mutual trust is required in order to feel safe and secure with another person. Narcissists are not able to truthfully share or trust. Some narcissists are truly gifted at pretending and appearing emotionally invested in you. They are often unusually attentive in the beginning, idealizing you, and offering to meet all of your needs and more. Narcissists can appear to be exceptionally sincere and many people fall for this act.

Development of Intimacy

We learn to be emotionally intimate when we are very young children. It begins with a secure, loving attachment to a parent. The child who feels securely attached is able to express his\her feelings openly without shame or fear. The parent is in tune with the child and able to comfort him when he is frightened, confused or angry.  As a result of psychological needs being met by a parent, the child learns to trust others and feel secure about himself as a person. Mothers of narcissists are not good parents; they reward the child, whom they regard as special and superior, as long as he/she reflects the desired parental image. These children are highly praised, and prized, in the narcissistic family- not for who they genuinely are- but for fulfillment of the wishes or dreams of the narcissistic parent. As a result, the narcissist never learns in early childhood how to become emotionally intimate. Because he is not loved for being his real self, the narcissist never learns to relate to himself on a deep emotional level nor can he reciprocate any real affection or love for another.

Consider friendship with the narcissist as another example of a relationship. You cannot truly get to know a narcissist friend. You cannot be genuine friends with the narcissist for all the reasons above. Plus narcissists are addicts. They are in constant pursuit of gratification, known as”narcissistic supply”.  Everything and everyone around them is an object, a potential source of narcissistic supply (to be idealized) or not a source (to be cruelly discarded).

Narcissists can be happily married… to compliant, subservient, self-deprecating and indiscriminately supportive spouses. They also can be happily married to masochists. However, a healthy, normal person would not be happy in an intimate-less narcissistic relationship.

Intimacy versus Intensity

Many partners of individuals with NPD confuse intimacy and intensity. Real intimacy has to do with trust, understanding, and feeling understood. People who are intimate (we don’t mean sex here) reveal personal vulnerabilities without fear that what they share will be used against them. Intimacy relies on feeling safe, mutuality, endurance, respect and no secrets. Without healthy self-disclosure at the right time, there can be no intimacy. And that takes honesty about who we are and how we feel. Narcissists are unable to be honest with themselves, let alone other people.

Intensity on the other hand, has to do with secrecy, lack of trust, high drama, fear and disrespect. Intensity with a narcissist is spent in fantasy, the cycle of idealization and devaluation, bitter arguments followed up by apologies and make-up sex. Sharing our deepest selves as a part of mutual sharing is fundamental to a sustained, mutually satisfying relationship. Unfortunately, narcissists don’t allow themselves to know their own vulnerabilities or feelings so they are unable to share with others.

Another factor that makes intimacy possible in a healthy relationship is being able to see both the good and bad traits of the partner at the same time. Again, this is not something narcissists can do. In their world, everything is black or white, good or bad (splitting).

Sex versus Intimacy

In a recent issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, University of Florida researchers found that narcissists are fixated on sexual gratification rather than enduring intimacy. (That’s probably not a surprise to anyone in a narcissistic relationship). Narcissists are more likely to have a history of short-term sexual conquests compared to people who consider commitment the most important aspect of a relationship. “Narcissists have a heightened sense of sexuality, but they tend to view sex very differently than other people do; they see sexuality more in terms of power, influence and as something daring, in contrast to people with low narcissistic qualities who associated sex more with caring and love.” The results of another study showed that highly narcissistic people were 50 times more likely to view sexual intercourse as a way of increasing their own sexual pleasure, rather than complementing partner intimacy.

In summary, people with NPD are not capable of genuine intimacy but rather seek to get their “fix” of constant compliments, admiration and respect for being a ‘superior’ person. There are only two kinds of people in the narcissist’s life-those who are better than him (whom he envies) and those who are worse (whom he degrades in order to feel better about himself). There are no intimate, genuine relationships. 

References:

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201202/problems-emotional-intimacy-typical-borderlines-and-narcissists

www.aphroditewomenshealth.com/news/20060906035123_health_news.shtml

http://zimbio.com/Narcissistic+personality+disorder/articles/TIIGKzSZ3Hx/Narcissists+Incapable+Emotional+Intimacy

 

About Alexander Burgemeester

53 Responses to “The Narcissist and Intimacy”

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  1. Angela Baxter says:

    Could you include a page on your site (or site map) that shows a listing of all the articles both yours and the random reads. I always feel like I’m missing something and would like a way to see the articles in a listing format by article name and date to better keep track of those I’ve read, missed or is new. Thanks, Love the articles. They’re like reading a description by someone who has known all the things he’s done and said. Uncanny.

  2. a garcia says:

    This was a great article.. I terminated a 9 year relationship with a narcissist..It was no picnic..He went on to a new woman and married her in 6 weeks.. I felt used but never loved..I felt I couldn’t do enough for this person..One more trait to be aware of in the new relationship in the far future…

  3. John Denholm says:

    I have a NPD sibling. Is it possible for her to be in a mutually satisfactory relationship with an NPD male?

  4. Beth says:

    You were so spot on with this article. You described my 10 yrs N ex to a T. It was the most intense relationship of my life and the most confusing. Hottest sex but usually because it was make up sex or somehow dirty. It was a roller coaster like no other. It almost made me physically sick not to mention the emotional stress. The constant devalue and discards which went in few year cycles. The worst was him not wanting to let go and manipulating me to be friends so he could mind f**k me. I finally gained the courage to go no contact. It saved my life.

    • April says:

      Everything you wrote here Beth is my life to a T. Mind f**k has become my new word. It is exactly what they do. I changed my phone number today and I feel so relieved that it is over. Blocked him from emailing and on Facebook. I’m sad as hell but I will rise again. Knowing he can’t call me and therefore I won’t be weak once again and take the call feels so good. I had become physically sick like you said and my stress level is thru the roof. I hope you are doing OK.

      • Beth says:

        I hope you are staying strong April. These energy vampires have taken enough from us. They are spiritually bankrupt and giving them access to us gives them a chance to extract supply from us any way they can. Usually as friends the mind f*****g is their primary tool. Gaslighting, triangulation and chaos will get in there too. Trust me trying to be his friend prolonged the agony. They are no ones friend!

      • Beth says:

        And yes doing fine. New guy…no drama. Feels weird to not have drama but nice and peaceful 🙂 hope you are well…

      • xuquinha says:

        April,
        I feel exactly luke tou. Unfriended my N as well as all of his friends on FB and also went No Contact. Although I sill have so much rage in me for the 2,5 years of wasted love and attention, I have to force myself to try and date. I never feel anything for anyone anymore, and this too frustrates me because I feel his invisible hand still controlling and manipulating my life. It’s so frustrating.

      • christe says:

        know just how you feel.. me too
        stay strong

  5. Aine says:

    It’s a very interesting thing to be able to compare the previous, abusive relationship with a narcissist with a new one. After long years spent in a kind of high-voltage state, feeling used to some degree, feeling distrustful (triangulation that causes more intensity which the N craves) and emotionally paralyzed I found myself in a new relationship after splitting with my N ex. It really DOES feel different, it feels warm, safe and sweet. Even the initial phase, which normally is quite intense, felt so much different. Previous relationship was lacking intimacy and trust from the beginning to the very end.

    • Beth says:

      I think once you get into a normal relationship that is not with an N disordered you realize just how dysfunctional your relationship was. It feels safe and steady. Your stomach is actually not in knots. I never want to go back yo that dark place and thank a God I am out of it. Free to love someone who loves me back. Feels good!

      • ken says:

        My girlfriend has and still wants control over the sex we have.I’m often the object of her imagination. She wants to role play she says ,but I’m always the person that doesn’t feel comfortable, I feel used.

        At times I go to visit her and she’s in bed in the middle of the day.She had invited me over for dinner but accuses me of just wanting sex.

        She often accuses me of wanting other women or that I want to go back with an x lover and she had seen all the woman on my cell contact list.Actually two woman,my daughter and my sister.Just the opposite with her,she has several men on her contact list and she expresses that what”I’m not allowed to have male friends”.
        Thanks for your cumn and everyone for sharing.I’m trying again today to slip away.

      • Charlotte says:

        It was draining for me living with a narcissist. Never knowing on my way home from work if he was going to be okay or not. His rages were something else. His constant manipulative ways and the lies he told to people about me. He was always worse on special occasions like Christmas, New Years and any celebrations. He would never cuddle up with me on the sofa or in bed he was pure cold. Any achievement I ever had he had done better. Any thing he ever did for me which was rare was always thrown back in my face. His parasitic lifestyle with money, he never had respect for any of my possessions. They tend to be drifters so I am sure he will already be set up with the next poor woman who will have all my sympathy.

        • Broken. says:

          You just described my present life. Sometimes I just don’t want to wake up another day. He ruined Christmas. I tried so hard this year. It to let him. But he raged at me in front of our 5 year old little boy. And the things he said were so horrible. I will forever hate that my Son had to hear him say those things to his mommy. I laid in bed Christmas Eve and cried myself to sleep alone. And cried most of yesterday. He broke me. He won. And last night after he knew he had me at rock bottom he swooped in being sorry and wanting forgiveness. Tonight wanted sex, soon as he could see he wasn’t getting it it was His feelings were immediately shut off. I don’t think I’ve ever been so depressed. And if I left him my little boys heart would be broken. And I’m afraid of how he would try and turn my Son against me. I can’t let that happen. I’m not leaving. I just have to learn to ride above his madness. Somehow. 😢

          • Lee Sze Chi says:

            Hey be strong there. You deserved someone better. I know the experience of being sucked up in a negative emotional spiral. I have just broke off with my narcissist ex.

            If you think that he would never change, and you are constantly in fear mode. It’s time to make this relationship a STOP. I know it’s hard. I don’t feel like leaving my ex too. I loved her. However I bite the bullet and told myself I deserved someone better.

            You are unique. You deserved someone that appreciates You and your son. Cheers 🍻

  6. amy says:

    Weve been married 47 years and we had sex once! That was on our wedding night then nothing. I never understood the workings of his mind.
    We’re now way past the age of sex but it would be nice to cuddle, kiss, hold hands but no that’s not happening.
    So for all these years he’s lived his life in the basement and worked the midnight shift so he wouldn’t have to be home with me. From day one he said sex was ugly, messy, smelly, vile no big deal, did nothing for him, couldn’t understand what humans saw in sex. He told me that he didn’t ever want sex again and it hasn’t ever happened again.
    I thought he was gay or into p**n but he isn’t I’ve had him followed so many times. These people told me he was boring! And even he was gay I would know he loved some one.
    At 69 now I still visit my shrink, and continue to hate all males.

    • Tom says:

      I am sorry Amy. I am dealing with the same stuff from my wife. To tell the truth, I just want her to go away. I have realized she won’t change and things won’t get better.

    • Joe says:

      Thanks for reminding me of why I am a misogynist.

  7. Charlotte says:

    I have just come out of a relationship with a Narcissist. In the beginning I was love bombed he was always complimented me and there was lots of good sex. Then later on he used everything I ever told him in confidence against me, any fall outs with anyone was always my fault, constantly being told I was the abusive one, finding out about lies he told about me to others, shouting at me to intermediate me and making threats to me. On an intimacy level I found out he was a swinger and when I expressed my opinion that I couldn’t agree with that nor could I agree with it being okay to keep videos and photographs of previous woman in our family home I was accused of being a prude. He could not see my point of view. One thing I always found strange was that he never wanted to cuddle up on the sofa and he would NEVER cuddle up in bed. He had his own quilt and wrapped himself in it with his back to me.

    • sarah says:

      wow.Charlotte ,that was like reading about my life with my ex.At first we were friends ,and it was he who quickly declared he felt more for me ,that he loved me.
      The whole “love bombing” was so spot on.He sent letters ,emails ,texts ,and soon we were in a fully intimate relationship.I was so happy ,and thought I`d found my soulmate.
      he was gentlemanly at first ,seemed appauled at my previous abusive partner ,and how I was treated sexually.This was the worst betrayal actually.Confiding in him ,only for him to use it against me ,when his mask started slipping.He`d insist I did the things he now knew I was scared of ,and I`d experience the long silences if I refused trying to tell him ,Remember how I said this made me feel>That got the response ,You obviously don`t really care for me ,or you`d WANT to please me..
      this went on for 18 months ,the red flags were there from the start I realise now.I just refused to believe the sweet sensitive(or so I thought) ,gentle man could or would treat me so badly I became an emotional wreck and physically ill.
      before finally splitting ,he raped me whilst I slept/I was becoming terrified/at first ,I`m ashamed to admit I wanted us to remain friends..this was mostly via email ,where STILL he controlled me.One “nice” message was always followed by a nasty one ,where he`d blame me for out relationship becoming ,what he called a “joke”.I am gutted ,struggling to get over him ,and what he reduced me to.I wish everyone well ,and a happier future and thankyou for sharing your stories too.It helps so much to know I`m not alone with this ,and ,no ,it really Wasn’t MY fault ,whatever he may say//

      • Broken. says:

        I’m loving this hell right now and I feel alone. Everyone around me thinks he’s so wonderful. He ruined Christmas. I tried. It to let him. But I failed. He won. Now he’s telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he is. And this was my response.

        Well this is what Ive tried to believe for going on 8 years, that you really do live me, until Friday night happens and I have your loud voice screaming in my ear in a tone that’s so filled with rage and hate for me , for everything that i am, like every fiber of my being disgusts you. And I hear it over and over again, all day long, as I asleep, when I wake up. And I see you looking at me with so much anger in your cold dark eyes calling me a b***h. Saying f**k you, I’m a user, you wish I was a man so u could smash my head through a window, saying words that make me feel worthless and vile and meaningless in every sense of ten word. All while my Son sits in the backseat staring into the front in silence absorbing every last word when all he should ever see and feel is love and kindness. Then we pull in and you send me off with a “now go be with your family”. And I have to walk in with a stomach in knots, a heart so shattered with pain and sadness I can barely catch my breath. Hands shaking and sweaty. Eyes fighting with every blink the river of tears that want to flow through them as I say hello with a smile and say Merry Christmas, as I feel my Moms arms wrap around me and hug me, how desperately I just want to lay in her arms and cry like a baby and have her hold me like when I was a little girl and tell me everything is going to be okay, but I can’t, and it literally kills me inside, but I have to just keep smiling. I go to bed wishing I was snuggled up on the couch with someone who adored me and cherished me and couldn’t let me go even for a second or can stop staring into my eyes telling me how lucky he is to spend his Christmas with me Instead I lay with soaked tissues in both hands crying so hard that I can’t stop, it hurts too much to stop. That I’m not worthy. That I’ve never been enough. That I’m not worth it. I’m not worthy to be show love. The choice of enduring another day feeling unworthy and hurt in my heart and not waking up in the morning so i don’t have to feel the heartache anymore seems like a very obvious answer. But then you think of the hurt it would leave behind. And you could never do that. No matter how badly you don’t want to carry the hurt around any longer. So I carry it. And it’s heavy. It’s misery. Under the smiles and shell of acting like your life’s just fine, the picture i have to portray to the world outside of my rivers I almost drown in from my tears of sadness when part of me just wants to sink and go under and not come back up. Is that my only choice that will give me happiness and peace? To die? When all I wanted was to be in this world, and be loved and cherished by someone.

        All I wanted was to be happy on Christmas. To feel loved. And all I got was swollen eyes and an beaten up heart I have to try and put back together. Again. 💔

        • Lucy says:

          I lived this for years.
          You are broken. This seemingly charming wonderful person – is a fake.
          He has the ability to garner positive attention from everyone – and then you doubt your own sanity!
          But he will be careful never to show his true colours to anyone else.
          As for your son – he will truly respect you more in the future – if you have the strength to leave.
          If you stay he has a broken mum.
          Imagine if you are broken as you are today – always self absorbed and confused and hurt – all the normal reactions to the awful way you’re being treated – what sort of mum has he actually got? A sad unhappy broken tortured mum. You can’t relax and feel joy. Only intermittently until the next unbelievably cruel act. It never stops once it’s started. You just learn to appease and accomodate . You learn how to react or diffuse. You will be walking on eggshells. If you stand up to him – he will blame you – you make him like that – wrong !
          I really truely understand – why should you leave – you want to make it work – it’s not your fault – you don’t want to break up this family – this perceived dream – but the reality is that you feel hurt and broken and disrespected and unloved. That won’t change. And if it did for a while – it’s a calculated ploy to win you back and gain power over you again.
          Love your little boy and love yourself. Be confident in your intuition. It’s not right. Walk away.
          If a person cares for you – they treat you well. There are no excuses to accept any less.
          Be strong and stay true to yourself. Live an authentic life – that will nourish your soul.
          its not your fault. But it’s not fixable. Don’t waste your one life trying.
          You are worth more. And there will never be any justice or genuine meaning behind an apology.
          It will be a ploy – to regain control over you. Awful I know – but you need to admit what you’re dealing with. The sooner you have the courage to leave the better. You deserve kindness and respect. He will always be broken – you will mend.

        • Lucy says:

          In response to “broken” Dec 2016
          You are broken. This seemingly charming wonderful person – is a fake. But everyone believes him!
          He has the ability to garner positive attention from everyone – and then you doubt your own sanity!
          But he will be careful never to show his true colours to anyone else.
          As for your son – he will truly respect you more in the future – if you have the strength to leave.
          If you stay he has a broken mum.
          Imagine if you are broken as you are today – always self absorbed and confused and hurt – all the normal reactions to the awful way you’re being treated – what sort of mum has he actually got? A sad unhappy broken tortured mum. You can’t relax and feel joy. Only intermittently until the next unbelievably cruel act. It never stops once it’s started. You just learn to appease and accomodate . You learn how to react or diffuse. You will be walking on eggshells. If you stand up to him – he will blame you – you make him like that – wrong !
          I really truely understand – why should you leave – you want to make it work – it’s not your fault – you don’t want to break up this family – this perceived dream – but the reality is that you feel hurt and broken and disrespected and unloved. That won’t change. And if it did for a while – it’s a calculated ploy to win you back and gain power over you again.
          Love your little boy and love yourself. Be confident in your intuition. It’s not right. Walk away.
          If a person cares for you – they treat you well. There are no excuses to accept any less.
          Be strong and stay true to yourself. Live an authentic life – that will nourish your soul.
          its not your fault. But it’s not fixable. Don’t waste your one life trying.
          You are worth more. And there will never be any justice or genuine meaning behind an apology.
          It will be a ploy – to regain control over you. Awful I know – but you need to admit what you’re dealing with. The sooner you have the courage to leave the better. You deserve kindness and respect. He will always be broken – you will mend.

      • Sze Chi says:

        It definitely not your fault. They are great at telling lies, putting blames on others. They can never be wrong. And they are greatly skilled in manipulating the conversation, to make it ultimately “your fault”. Why? Because they just cannot be wrong. They think they are “superior”. Yet deep inside, they are hyper insecure about themselves.

    • Mar says:

      Yes! -“he never wanted to cuddle up on the sofa and he would NEVER cuddle up in bed”. This happened to be the first sign that I overlooked. Thank you.

  8. Christine says:

    I found out mine was cheating on me since day 1…….with many different woman but one was from our past 30 years ago, he took loans out with her…..there is so much more I found a hot tub at one of his appartment buildings, that he was making p***o movied of prostitutes while in the hot tube…….I took him to a lawyer and a month later he was diagnosed with lung cancer, I stayed and went through surgery and chemo with him,for our childrens sake mostly…..he continued his relationships only he got a track phone, now a year and a half later the lung cancer is back, how about “when a narc is going to die?” I would love to see this topic covered……sigh….I am still here for my 4 kids, he makes me sick, but I am not leaving my shildren to deal with this…….

  9. Heather says:

    Ok in the beginning before his mask came off we had a GREAT sex life! He wanted it ALOT and had stamina THEN when he started showing true colors sex stopped COMPLETELY and when i would of course bring it up he had a way of just not answering! unfortunatly we were married! i was so confused my self esteem was gone i really thought he was gay! then i found he was addicted to p**n which i hate and rather do that then have the real thing he continued to compliment me on how beautiful i was but when we were together after the i do’s and mask came off its like he was so shy and selfish he would not last more then 3 minutes and never satisfied my needs and i did discuss this bluntly and no change so weird to me i told him that this wasnt normal and im a healthy 35 yr old women and that he cant expect me to live this way! and if he didnt change i was going to have no choice but to step outside the marriage i was very honest. So i did and told him he never stopped bashing me for cheating and i would say i told u first we discussed it u ignored me etc…. like talking to the wall! my ex husband is the definition of a Narcissist i grieved him like he was dead when his mask came off i just wanted the man i married and loved i did not know about Narcs at this time it took me 7 yrs to finally leave for good i fell out of love but i stayed because he stripped me of all my independence and made me financially dependent on him and i do not have any family he is a Monster a Grown Bully Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde!

    • Jennifer says:

      I’m in a similar situation after I became pregnant he began to withhold sex also how devastating to a woman’s self esteem always heard excuses . The more I complained the more he withdrew. I kicked him out last night this is day one but I’ve been aware for a few months now to what he really is a sociopath . I’m glad to hear u r free ! It gives me hope that I can do this too !! I know u don’t know me but ty for your post it made me realize I’m not the only more and makes me feel not so alone . Take care !

  10. Deborah says:

    I really enjoy reading these comments. Thank you.
    I have been w/ a narc who I am sure has SNPD.
    We have been married for 19 yrs. & in a relationship
    for 25 yrs. unhappily to say the least. It feels good to know that I am not alone. The love/hate behavior
    is mentally exhausting! He is constantly threatening me to do what he says. He says I’m
    crazy & I need help! He is trying to force me to go
    get help so he can use it against me…again.
    I am very empathic & he tries to hurt me but I am past that! Stover it! This experience has made me stronger. Thanks for reading. Have a happy day!

  11. Bella says:

    Bella,
    Four years I have been with him.. Im crying my eyes out tonight, because I realuze this is what I have been going through, like all of you.. I couldn’t make sense of it, I thought it was me. Im a empathetic person who loves to the fullest

    This Monster and I mean Monster, because thats what they are Nars….sucked the life out of me ..IHe showed me love and passion and within 11 months backed away.. Pull me back..degrade me .. I wish I new this before I met him

    I feel so angry.. I helped him in everyway.. Picked him up out of yhe cutter.. All the lies cheating..They make you geel like your crazy..all I want is revange.. Thwre users. and wete kus t object s. I wish thwre was a website.. I could post his name to warn other women

    Who he distroys.. I van only wish..I have the power toove forward…

    Thank you for all of t jesr great post..
    Bella

    • Karen says:

      It is so tempting for me also to expose the narc I have spent the last 17 months with
      I now suspect he is with his wife and not divorced .
      And that I am one of many women.
      He sat on my sofa last week and stated that ” there is no one else”…
      Staring ahead ….
      I suspect if I was to ask on Facebook if there are any current ladies in a relationship with my supposed boyfriend I would be inundated…
      They divide and conquer…
      Lead double lives…
      Unbelievable..

  12. Bella says:

    Bella,
    Four years I have been with him.. Im crying my eyes out tonight, because I realize this is what I have been going through, like all of you.. I couldn’t make sense of it, I thought it was me. Im a empathetic person who loves to the fullest

    This Monster and I mean Monster, because thats what they are Nars….sucked the life out of me ..he showed me love and passion and within 11 months backed away.. And would Pull me back..degrade me .. I wish I knew wjat a Narc was, before I met him

    I feel so angry.. I helped him in everyway.. Picked him up out of the cutter.. All the lies cheating..blaming and screaming at me..it sounds like this one of thier traits, they make you feel like your crazy..All I want is revange.

    users. and wete kus t object s. I wish there was a web
    . I could post his name to warn other women before he distroys them. I can only wish..I have the power to move forward…

    Thank you for all of t jesr great post..
    Bella

  13. Cornelius says:

    Have been out of a half year relationship with a Narc girlfriend for over three months now and by now almost healed. Love bombing in the beginning felt great, I fell for it, but although she rushed into sex real quick I never really got it going, it just lacked the necessary intimacy to me. I love to feel the sexual excitement of a woman, I love to arouse and satisfy it, but she seemed very distant and ice cold, it was just physical, so it just didn’t turn me on. When I asked her about her secret desires, she told me not to ask and just get it on, and when I started, gently, loving, caring, everything I did was wrong. It’s like telling jokes to someone who has no humor and as a response just learned to fake laughing, or if someone desperately tries to be funny by just reading jokes from a list without understanding them but expecting you to applaud. It’s like having sex with a prostitute who just fakes to be attracted to you while you know everything she wants is your money. I wonder why so many people seem to fall for it, but for me Narc sex was the worst sex I ever had.

    Unnecessary to mention that everything was my fault, I can’t have good sex because I’m not a real man. That was the hardest part to get over, but now I see it that Narcs can only take and never give. They can’t love you, you have to love them and they fake to love you back. They don’t desire you, you have to desire them and they fake to desire you back. They can’t turn you on, you have to turn them on and they’ll fake to be aroused, just to make you desire them even more and get it on with them, which will give them a hell of lot of Narc supply, plus your exposed secrets. Glad I’m out of that, and looking forward to having a relationship with a REAL woman.

  14. san says:

    Curious…is there any correlation to BDSM Dominants and Narcissism? Would appreciate a response.
    Thanks

  15. Tianna Evans says:

    Dear Everyone who has experienced the pain of a narcissistic relationship, I just want you all to know that I appreciate you all because I know what kind of beautiful people you are. You are a loving, generous, giving, helpful, compassionate, understanding, tolerant, beautiful person. I wish we weren’t the prey of narcissists, but we are because we are the only ones loving enough to give them what they need. But just know that knowledge is power. We should spread the word, tell people about what real narcissism is. Inform other beautiful, generous, loving people. Educate your children and tell young people your storys. I did not know what a narcissist was until I was hurt by one (my Ex). Desperate and so confused I searched for an answer. It was actually my Ex who gave me the answer when I was confiding in him (over the phone) about my mother who also has mental/emotional issues, my Ex told me to google sociopath as he was labelling my mother as one. I realised that day after reading all of the traits of a sociopath that many of them correlated with my Ex, and so I kept searching and found narcissism. My point is EDUCATE if everyone knew what a narcissist really was they would have no supply and there for, would have to change their ways or be bred out of society. I am grateful at least that I have learnt a valuable lesson. And also know that, in the end, everyone will get what they deserve. You don’t need revenge because one day when the narcissist has come to the end of their life they will realise who they are it will be a very sad day for them, and not to mention the suffering their life has given them, since childhood. I do feel sorry for them, but will still always keep my distance.

    I also think it’s important for us loving souls to learn assertiveness. We need boundaries!
    Be Strong, Beautiful People!

  16. Sarah C says:

    Is it possible for someone to be partially narcassist? My husband does it all but the mean abuse. No sex, lil lies even when the proof is in front of him. Empty promises. And his excuse is always because I didn’t give him enough time to show me change, love, intimacy. I’ve begged and sobbed for even just a drop of effort. I take care of it all! Financially, around the house… He stays in bed. I’ve even caught him talking bad about me behind my back. He’s so two faced! Even after I fall apart I don’t even get consoled! But I adore him so much. I am just waiting for something.anything a reason to have enough reason to leave because I love him so I need that. I don’t want to feel like I made a mistake.

    • Rachel says:

      I want to tell you my situation was exactly the same and what kept me stuck for way longer than I should have been because it wasn’t “outright” abusive. Lots and lots of promises that never ever came through, asking me to be patient, but very little effort or steps taken toward anything. Was never affected by my breaking down into sobs when I explained how heartbreaking his treatment was….like ZERO emotion….but accused me of being “cold”, whenever his ego was bruised or he wasn’t getting the amount of attention he needed…..if you’re exhausted…it’s time to go. I see you posted this over a year ago…I hope you got out!

  17. Monica says:

    Omg, this article sum it all.
    2 years i’ve been with him, i always feel there is a missing puzzle.
    There’s always an emptiness .

    Thxyou thxyouu so much for this article.
    So i can move on with my life without being guilty.
    THXYOU

  18. Mel says:

    I have gone NC with the ex narcissist because I can’t take any more lies. I was only with him 6 months but he turned my world upside down. Everything about him was fake. How he owned his own home didn’t, had a brand new car which he said he had purchased but it belonged to a family member, had thousands in the bank, been there, done that all lies the man is delusional. No more narcissistic men for me I’m done with them and I will be very careful next time I date someone to look for the signs. Take care everyone because these predators are everywhere. Mel xxxxx

  19. Georgie Porgie says:

    What made me leave the man who was wonderful to look at, and always entertaining, was the fact that he refused to kiss me or hold hands, even when we were alone watching a movie. Sex was like “hooker sex” with no kissing at all. When he did give me a dry kiss when he left the house, it was like he was kissing a nun.

    I will say that something seemed seriously “off” and missing in the relationship, especially when he had technically OK, but mechanica and impersonal, sex with me for about a minute and a half, got me off and rolled over and went to sleep. I should thank him for that humiliating and lonely experience because it was the beginning of the end.

    I do give him credit for dropping hints that I didn’t get at the time like the story about the snake that had been run over by a car and left in the middle of the road. Some nice person rescued it, and nurtured back to health. Then, one day the snake bit him and the person asked the snake why he would do this to him when he had helped him so much. The snake just looked at him and said, “You knew I was a snake when you picked me up. What did you expect?”

    I have gone no contact with him, not that I think he cares one way or the other. This has been a horrible experience for me and I’ve cried buckets. It gives me strength to stay away from him, and I intuitively know that I’ll be alright with the passage of time.

    This is important to know: I think male narcissists are dedicated masturbators and p**n addicts. This is why they aren’t interested in sex with their girlfriends or wives. They’ve already taken care of themselves sexually and don’t need them as women. So, ladies, their secret is out. Don’t feel bad. It’s not you, it’s them. Their favorite thing is to be intimate with themselves, not anyone else.

    • Mel says:

      ‘Hi in reply to your post I think your dead right about them being p**n addicts and serial masturbators. I know the one I was with certainly had a penchant for p**n.No doubt he masturbated regularly because I never had sex with him. He told me he had more respect for me than to just jump into bed with me ha they don’t know the meaning of respect.Mel x

    • Nicki says:

      Your post was a good read and so true. I was with my Narc for almost 22 years and have two grown sons. I love the example regarding “dropping hints” about the snake. That paragraph, in itself, sums up living with a Narc! That sounds like so many of our lives! My main question to him was always, “How do you treat someone so badly when all they did was love and care for you?” He always deflected and blamed me for everything that went wrong in his life. This man lived out of our bedroom and rarely spent time in other parts of the house where everyone else socialized. He would always try to make me or my son’s spend large amounts of time in the bedroom to “spend time with him” or do things he wanted to do. When we didn’t, he would become enraged and complain about how we didn’t want to spend time with him. We would “invite”, yes “invite” him to join us in the living room, out back, or wherever we might have been and he would always decline and say I am tired and just want to relax in bed and watch tv!

      I can also say from reading others posts, I feel better knowing there are others going through my struggles and I am not alone. My Narc was also addicted to p**n and m**********n as well. Never understood what the issue was.

      The end to all of this was the day after Easter. He up and quit his job that day (after hinting on Easter how he did not feel like going to work in the morning and was tired of that job), then he left to help his one sister move and moved himself in to her home. He then got the hint she was tired of him (eating all of her food, not wanting to work, and causing chaos in her house by blaming her kids for things he did, and lounging around watching television, sleeping, and playing video games all day). He then found out his little sister needed help around her house and he went there and is still there. She will eventually see him for what he is worth, but honestly, I believe they are a “pea in a pod.” His little sister is a female version of him, so they are a match made in heaven. Maybe they will be miserable together!

      He is such a parasite and slowly burning all of his bridges. I told him that he would die a lonely old man from all the pain he caused everyone who loved him and came in contact with. He has no friends, obviously, and will never maintain “normal” relationships. He lived in the same home, but was never a real parent to the kids. They are at a point where they want nothing to do with him. I feel like my kids were cheated out of a “REAL” father. Thank goodness I was able to be a strong parent for them.

      These last couple of months have been such an “eye opener” coming across information on narcissism. This was the best word I found over the internet and has answered all of my unanswered questions I have had all these years. I too have went NC and feel at peace. I am not concerned with having contact with him since our children are grown and I know what he really is. he attempts to contact me by text (usually saying “I assume we are over because I haven’t heard from you in a while. I am not mad at you, have a good life.”) every 1-2 weeks, but I no longer have an urge to respond to his texts. Once I responded to his text, he would immediately go “No Contact” again since I “rejuvenated” him. I know that now. The best thing he did was leave and not come back! He would not leave when I asked him to, but had no problem leaving on his own when he felt like it. When I used to tell him to leave, he would always say “I know I am a “F*** UP” and sorry for screwing up your life or please be patient with me, I will do better….That eventually got old. I think he began to see I was not falling for his lies anymore.

      Thank you for your post and all the other informative posts I have read! I pray for everyone’s healing and continue educating yourselves and others.

  20. Lynn says:

    With the reading I’ve been doing, I am now sure I am in a relationship with a narcissist. Among many other signs, he is obsessed with bondage. He talks constantly about it and searches it online daily. He also lays on an endless guilt trip as I refuse to engage in this. Is this a sexual trait of a narcissist?

    • Alexander Burgemeester says:

      It is hard to make a diagnose of someone based on 1 simple thing. There are many people obsessed with bondage who are not a Narc. And the ‘Guilt Game’ is a pretty popular one among many adults. As long as he shows empathy I don’t believe he instantly is a Narc. Good luck with it, I hope you both find your way

  21. Survivor says:

    @Broken :

    I can imagine your pain. I read your write-up ovr and over and i have gon thru something simmilar. I hope that you are feeling much better now. Incase, you are still with the N, please, consider moving out. there is no survival, for as long as you are going to be in any conversation/contact/relationship with the N. They are soul vampires. They love to break you down and they won’t stop EVER. They are so empty inside, that they wont even shy away from taking last spec of your existence as their fill. I wish I cud be there for you and give u a hug and say that, its difficult, but its possible to move towards the path of healing. I have had a relationship where my N metally and emotionally abused me so much, that i forgot, how to have a normal relationship. I became snappy, irritable, defensive and grief struck, i carried a dark look wherever i went. ppl and friends around me started telling me how my sadness is on my face.

    Accept, that you were in an ABNORMAL RELATIONSHIP, and the abnormalitoes is hard to treart even in medical science.

    Rise up and tell yorself, you desrve a better life , Definately without him!, coz he is never changing.

    I wish you well. and would love to hear from u.

    XOXO

    • Crystal says:

      Oh my God. This is my life. Its so horrible to know someone else is going through the same horror i am. I cried when i read it. I know your pain. I feel your pain. Everyday is a nightmare i dont want to wake up. He won’t touch me sexually. Gets mad when i ask. His words so cutting. It hurts so bad. He keeps me as a trophy for all his friends to say your wife is hot. Then rages at me in private about it. Just know your not alone.

  22. Jeff Rathbun says:

    It took a long time for me to come to grips with the fact that I was in a relationship with a Maternal narcissist (we will call her ERIN). I had been divorced for a couple years when I met this woman. She was 15 years my jr., in school studying child psychology, & a recent divorce herself in which they had 3 young children. In time he got full custody of the kids. I never heard her speak of ever having a job. Little did I know there was much, much more to her. When I first met her at a mutual friends house, I was smitten. She was quiet, shy, & I thought it was soo adorable. To me she seemed kind of ditzy but in a way that you felt bad for her. She made the Dean’s List the entire time she studied at the University. She was far from dumb. It was an act (play dumb) she later told me she had perfected which would distance herself from ever having to give a helping hand or effort to others around her. It worked too. But most of what came out of her mouth was a lie. Even when we discussed things that did not require any sort of lie at all, she’d fit one in somehow. It boggled my mind. I thought maybe she didn’t even know what she was saying. I was wrong. She knew exactly what she was doing. But, her thought process would tell her that lies needed to be told. Maybe she thought it was beneficial to her or something? I dated her for about 6 months. I really never felt close to her intimately both physical & mental. She did not look at sex the way I did. It was just something she would do for her gratification or use it as bait to gain something. She never was really affectionate, didn’t touch me, and never got the “from across the room” eye contact that couples use when they are on the same level with one another. My head was in the clouds to notice, blinded by her beauty, youth, & newness of another woman after 20 years. I would give her money that she would blow on lotto tickets or some other kind of worthless bs. She would take anything of mine she liked such as clothing, jewelry, writing utensils, personal photos, & even money without asking. She would bring up women I had dated but were now only friends and use them as ammo to fire back at me when I would catch her in a lie or question her actions which usually were just plain confusing or total nonsense to begin with. For example, she accused me of isolating her and keeping her from her friends. To this day I have yet to ever meet someone who claimed to be her friend. Only exes, frienemies, and potential suitors did I ever meet. She had met her ex and a man before me from internet dating sites. She never stoppped pursuing men & women alike the whole time we were together I had discovered. Luckily for me she never got any further in those quests. Just before Christmas was the last time we had sex. It was sex that I later discovered was premeditated and planned out with her sister. It was to lure me away so that her sister could stal pricy items from my house. When I exposed the obvious, yeah, they were horrible actors, she soon quickly started with the accusations of all I wanted from her was sex. Even as to say I tried to force myself on her twice. Needless to say I finally threw in the towel, just gave up on trying to pursue the relationship with her. Once she knew that I knew her game & it was played out, her interest in me gradually disappeared. In the end she was living At her sisters. Her sis is married to a good friend of mine and he has a freeloading, drug addicted son who just happened to show up and start living with them too. ERIN & him are the same age and it took one day after they met to sleep together and become a couple. I won’t deny that it didn’t hurt me. I tried to tell her that was not a good idea but my input, as well as my compliments of her I later found out only disgusted her. A couple months went by and that relationship came to a halt. The son was sentenced to prison for felony probation violation. (which is where he was when he suddenly appeared at the house to live). My hopeless romantic stupid a*s self tried again to win back whatever it was I had with ERIN to no avail. She had no use for me anymore after that. Soon after she moved away to be closer to her kids. I sometimes message her on FB messenger just to see how she’s doing. She reads my msgs. but to this day has yet to ever respond. I did hear from another sister of hers that ERIN tells others that I’m her best friend. Wow. Such a waste of brains and beauty. I can’t explain why but my heart still hurts from it all.

  23. Donna says:

    This really hit home for me. I dated a N for not even a year. But the entire time I couldn’t help feeling that something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I knew I didn’t trust her for some reason. I remember asking over and over: “please stop lying to me.” The lies were usually stupid things or lies of omission.
    She also bragged when we first started dating that she had been a player and cheated in the past. Yep, first HUGE red flag! But she stated she wanted an LTR and being the perfect compassionate, understanding and forgiving supply I was, I let that go.
    Finally, however, the jealousy, control and false accusations became too much for me. I needed a break. So I went NC for 3 months to sort out my head.
    Then she did something that seemingly had integrity. I had forgotten she was a reference on my resume and she gave me a good reference. Suddenly, all those feelings came rushing back. And I even felt guilty for breaking up! I didn’t hurt thatvher family wanted me to ‘fix’ it with her and said that she had a mental break because I hurt her.
    So I went running back, remorseful, apologizing, ready to make a go of it with all the loving and forgiving feelings leading the way.
    She told me she was in love with me, I was her dream girl, yadda, yadda, which only confirmed my brief that this was somehow my fault.
    But then, the truth started to seep through again. She had an online relationship with another woman for a year (they always have more supply). And all the accusations of me cheating, etc… are actually the N’s silent admissions of their own behavior.
    My N put a ring on my finger the night before the other woman was to arrive from another country! Not to mention I spent the night with her that night and most of the week.
    She was to go to this other country with her “friend” to “find herself.” All lies of course. And I knew it at the time but she would drop morsels of goodness so I’d grasp on to those as if they were more important than the avalanche of lies and deceit.
    She finally left to this other country 3 weeks later. I literally counted each day down as if I were marking days on a jail cell wall. Waiting to be free once and for all. The punishments for my audacity to breakup with her and question her lies were severe.
    The day she left, I was of course torn. Grateful and sad with all the usual doubts of ‘what if I’m wrong and she really is a decent person but just had a mental break like the family said?’ ‘Did I just let the love of my life leave or rid myself of an incredibly toxic person?’
    Before she landed in her new country, her new (or year old) gf called me. I was shocked and wondered what was up that she would. I already knew my N would have lied about me, if she mentioned me at all.
    I answered all the questions this poor new supply had and hoped she’d be smarter than I was. Our convo made me even feel like she and I could become friends. But I made it clear I NEVER wanted to see my narcissist again. And here’s the most shocking part, my narcissist told this new gf that ‘I’ was a narcissist!! I almost fell over! Wtf?
    So I started researching again on these horrible people. And what I discovered is that reputation annihilation is common. Almost expected. It’s just people don’t normally tell you.
    If any of you can relate to the above, IT’S NOT YOU. They will apply every horrible trait they have unto you. That way, they can be the victim and gain the sympathy of their next supply.
    Stay strong, you are not alone. Please continue to be the loving, compassion and amazing people you are. Do NOT let them take that away from you or they truly do win. Love and Peace.

  24. Dee says:

    Beware of Naricissists on dating sites. Just came of a 7 month whirlwind relationship. Found out he had lies in his profile- said widowed when he had been divorced for 8 years before she passed and then he had the nerve to say “Well, in my mind I was widowed”. Says he has a Masters degree- NOT. Says he has a beach cottage- NOT. Says he is a competitive body builder- NOT.
    This guy blew in like a hurricane and when it abruptly ended, with ho explanation, he blew out just as quick. He is the one who brought up moving in, getting married, moved in a closet full of clothes, called me 3 times a day, stayed at my place Frid- Mon. every weekend and claimed I was the best woman in his life. I found the sex comments from others interesting. He definitely had sex for the sake of sex- thought he was a p**n star and at times, just got on top, did his thing and roll over. He had a very difficult time with my trying to talk with him about meeting both our needs. He constantly was inflating himself but short on compliments to others making comments like, “No one dresses like I do- I dress young with holes in my jeans” (at the age of 66), “everyone looks at me”, “everyone says I could easily pass for my early 50’s”,”I am a great dancer”, “all the women think I am sexy” and on and on. I just would never respond to it which I think drove him crazy. He was very focused on wanting me to be sexually aggressive and “attack him” which is a piece of boosting his self esteem. And, like others have said about narcs, yes he very much would create drama and then want to have make up sex.
    The one, and only one, time he went on a rage on the phone, I set a clear boundary and told him he was never to call me up and speak to me like that again and hung up on him. He did not handle that very well at all.
    It is really too bad because there were many times he could show some genuine caring and compassion.
    Beware of this man on one of the most popular and free dating sites out there because he is right back on site spewing the same exact stuff. Without getting into names, very muscular, bald, goatee, and putting in his profile everything I stated here, Rhode island area. Dater beware!

  25. Lauri says:

    I am a believer of change…is there any help out there these ppl can get if they are admitting to their problem? I am a victim..I have JUST begun to seek help..but i’d like my partner to receive it as well, and he is willing. I can just throw him to the wolves. Or am I living in a dreamland?

    • Lucy says:

      The NPD is incapable of “feeling”
      They just don’t feel it.
      If they cry at a movie or help people – it’s not because they care – it’s because they mimic the best reaction to a situation to make themselves believable. It’s all reflected glory. Everyone is an object – to be used at will. They hate being alone and feed off the attention of others.
      They will stay with you for years if you are agreeable and follow them. Your life will be secondary.
      If you ask for attention you will be dismissed – unless it’s a show – in front of other people – they will tell everyone how wonderful you are – but behind closed doors treat you badly. After all if they can con you then you’re not worthy – so ongoing cycle.
      No they cannot change. They’re feeders and you’re an enabler. They’re only interested in themselves and how they feel. Run for the hills. It won’t change. They were never taught that their real self was good enough. They probably had to put on a show to impress and if that’s all they were taught from a young age – that’s a core belief. If no one ever showed real love concern or a conscience – that’s what they learned. Forget the “intense” connection – it’s just over the top drama – and deludes us to think it’s intense love – it’s not – it’s just manipulative game playing to keep you on your toes. Once you give in they switch off again. They twist your words and use them against you .. It’s a game of chess – they are calculated and everything is a game plan to win. They cannot share or be equal or be respectful and honest.
      So do not connect and stay away and don’t give in. They need you ! It’s not the other way round! You think they’re different and special – they are – in an evil way. Life may seem boring after a narcissist – it’s an emotional roller coast of highs and lows. However if you want a real honest and true relationship – where you respect and care for each other – the narcissist is incapable.
      The narcissist only cares about themselves or what they can get out of someone. There’s no real feelings

  26. Michael says:

    I was married to one for 19 years. I knew something wasnt right but I could never put my finger on it. When we were first married I had a dream about her, I dreamed I saw her as a skeleton with skin draped over it and nothing inside. Never knew what that meant but always remembered it. I know now what it meant after she cheated on me four times during the 19 years, could never initiate anything, never anything intimate.It ended when she said she didnt love me anymore and gave me a list of 20 different things that was wrong with me. Her parents are the same way.

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