I know you think you have the answer to this one.
You’re assuming the way a narcissist gaslights you is the most dangerous thing they can do. Or perhaps it’s how they control you, criticize you, make you feel worthless.
In some ways, you’re right in the sense that these moves are dangerous. And they have a really detrimental effect on you.
But there’s more. There’s something you’ve forgotten, or maybe you haven’t realized it at all with the narcissist you know.
Either way, here it is…
The obvious red flags are terrible
Let’s go back to those, because they should never be underestimated.
Red flags are terrible, no matter what they are.
The way you’re treated by the people you put your trust into will have an effect on you whether it’s good or bad.
The bad? It will drain you, leaving you exhausted. It will upset you, confusing you and making you wonder how and why somebody is being that way.
The red flags are obvious. A narcissist will shout at you, mock you, give you the silent treatment, offer you no explanation as to why they’re any or all of the aforementioned.
And what about the inconsistency of each and every day? You never know what version of them you’re going to get, and when.
But this…
This isn’t what you think…
In the midst of all that terrible behavior lies a true reason why a narcissist can be even more dangerous.
It isn’t the way they make you cry, or the way they isolate you. You feel pulled apart by them, your identity missing with you unable to locate a single part of it.
You’re too caught up in all of that to realize there’s another answer, and it’s been staring you in the face all this time.
The secret weapon
I don’t like to admit they have one, but they really do all have this as the ultimate secret weapon.
All this time you’ve assumed the dangerous aspect comes from how nasty they can be, but it’s actually the switch.
The switch flips after the conflict, when you’re feeling pain the most. It flicks back to normal, and the narcissist becomes the person you want them to be again.
You’ve gotten familiar with it over your time knowing them, and it’s where you start to feel hope rise in you once more.
Hope that they’re finally changing, or that this time will be different.
It won’t be.
But they’re damn good at making you believe that’ll be the case.
You see them smile, pay you a little attention, apologize for what happened and ask you if there’s anything they can do to make up for it.
They sooth you, hold you even as you recover from their latest wave of abuse.
You feel safe, albeit briefly, and that’s what gives you the energy to stay for another round.
The switch that keeps you stuck
It really is the one thing that keeps victims stuck in their relationship with the narcissist.
It keeps you in it. You’re not going to leave if you get these fragmented pockets of bliss that seem to be enough to make up for all the abuse.
These are little bread crumbs of affection intended to keep you hooked. You have been through them before, and they feel like such high highs. That’s why you can’t leave.
So you become stuck. Stuck in a situation where you have the power and freedom to leave.
When you’re confused, they fill in the gaps
Right as that switch flips and the narcissist pretends everything is fine all over again will be a period of time, fleeting if anything, whereby you feel confused.
Just now, things were dark and you were hurting, maybe even crying. When you tried to talk to them, they didn’t want to know, saying they didn’t care.
Pushing you to the edge of what you’ll tolerate, the switch flipped.
Right at that moment is where the narcissist will fill in the gaps where you feel confused with love. Oh my goodness, will it be love!
The phrases will ooze out of them:
I don’t know what I was thinking.
I can’t see you sitting there crying like this. I care about you far too much.
I made a huge mistake.
I want to make it better.
What do I need to do?
We should see that movie you’ve been wanting to see. Let’s get out of the house.
Just give me another chance. I’ll prove myself.
Your heart feels pulled to these words that seem so genuine at the time.
You know the narcissist has said them before, but this time it feels different.
This time the hope and faith you’ve got swimming around in your gut feels like it will lead to a real shift in gear.
These gaps are easy to fill in when you’re so evidently feeling confused.
They take your emotional distortion and take advantage of it because they know they can persuade you to give it another go.
So, you are stuck. Again. And more time goes by where you’re being tossed back and forth in this emotional rollercoaster without giving the operator of the ride your consent.
This is real danger. Danger that you won’t ever escape.
Where did you go?
When you’re stuck in a relationship, this might be the kind of question that your loved ones ask about you.
Where did you go?
Why are you staying somewhere that isn’t good for you?
What is the one thing that’s preventing you from leaving?
They don’t know your narcissistic partner the way you do, right? They don’t see how sweet and remorseful they can be when they’ve upset you.
If only they could see the good side…
You and I know that this is you gaslighting yourself, pretending everything’s fine when it isn’t. Over the course of a long time, that will be the one point that holds you back.
You see, it isn’t just the narcissist capable of gaslighting you. You learn to be able to do it yourself when you have a thought then automatically contradict it using patterns they use upon you.
The truth is, you’re not stuck. You never were. You are always free to leave a situation that’s abusive or a person who doesn’t treat you right.
The more you lose yourself, the further from your authentic self you will get.
It’s not too late!
You will never necessarily feel stuck, but stuck is what you will be.
It’s never too late to think about what going back to them, or giving them another chance, or seeing this switch as a new start for the both of you, means.
You’re alluding to their abuse. You’re telling them that it’s okay to treat you however they want, because you’ll always forgive them.
You’re setting standards for yourself that are so low. You show them that you’re able to oversee their treatment of you and make excuses for it.
This isn’t the happy ending you deserve, and it isn’t the happy ending they initially promised you.
It’s never too late to walk away.
