When night rolls around, all you want is to shut your eyes and rest. I get it. Days can be long, and what can make them even longer is being in the presence of a narcissist. 

You’re done hearing them whinge and whine, and you just long to catch those Zzz’s.

So how do you do it? What’s the secret?

Before they wear you dow, let’s look at the last thing you should ever say to a narcissist at night.

This is where your line is drawn!

The Day Passes

I don’t want to assume that I know what your day in particular is like with the narcissist you know. I’d hazard a guess that these words might just sum it up:

Stressful.

Long.

Tiring.

Emotional.

Empty.

Hopeful.

Sad.

Anxious.

Depressive.

You get to the end of the day and you think to yourself, “Well, there goes another one.”

What mood was the narcissist in? Did they enter one of their more chilled days, or was their moodiness out of control?

Like many victims of narcissistic abuse, if it were more chilled, did that only worry you into thinking it was the calm before the storm?

Wanting Peace

There is no peace when a narcissist is around. They make sure they create an argument, or a stressful situation that you long to escape from, but can’t. 

So, the clock ticks around to bedtime, and finally the moment you are waiting for comes. 

You turn to the narcissist, and you see it in their eyes.

They don’t want to sleep. They want to stay up going over and over things that don’t matter, or that you know they’ve imagined.

You surely can’t be the only one tired, yet they don’t quit. 

So what do you do? What do you say?

How do you get your sleep and know they are finally going to stop bothering you?

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“I’m Not Talking Any More. I’ll Speak Again Tomorrow”

I know you think this may not be effective, but the effectiveness comes from you keeping to your word here, and not letting them get you out of it. 

They can try all they want, but without your input, they’re not really going to be able to argue if you’re rolling over and going to sleep, are they?

Letting the narcissist know that the line has been drawn will give you the peace you deserve.

And they can argue and upset you. as much as they want. If you switch off, they have nowhere to go. 

Shutting Them Down

It’s not easy shutting down a narcissist. The last thing you want to do is be rude, or aggressive.

That almost always ends in disaster as what you’re actually doing is making it all much worse for yourself.

There are ways, and while they may not be obvious to you, they’re always out there.

The thing to remember is that narcissists want to be in control. They get a kick out of it, and love it when they know they’ve played you for a fool.

Telling them that that’s it, and that you’re going to sleep, what can they do?

It totally takes away their need to be in charge, whether they like it or not. 

Refusing to be Drawn In

When you refuse to be drawn in, you get to empower yourself with the reality that you can have things your way.

You can have a say in how your day ends. You can put your foot down and decide that enough is enough.

It’s my understanding from all the years I’ve studied narcissism and listened to the accounts of many victims of narcissistic abuse that all narcissists love to punish.

And yes, that punishment can look like the usual silent treatment, or yelling, or guilt trips, or gaslighting, or further isolation.

But you know what else? And people tend to forget this one:

Narcissists can punish you by taking away your sleep.

Sleep is so important! We all need it, even the narcissist! But they would rather take away an hour, or two, or three, or more from you if it means holding onto an argument they won’t let go of.

Sure, they can let go. You just say you’ll talk about it tomorrow and agree to get some shut eye. 

But no. 

It can continue through and well into the night if they had their way. After all, the dark of the night adds drama to absolutely everything, doesn’t it?

Including wanting to draw out negativity.

So, how about it? 

Refuse to be drawn in.

Your Time is Precious

What do you have planned tomorrow? What’s the schedule for you? Have you got an early start?

A long day at work? An important course or exam you have to sit to keep your work files up to date?

It won’t matter at all to the narcissist, but for you, your time is precious and it matters to you.

I want you to be able to fully understand that because not many victims of narcissistic abuse are used to putting themselves first. 

They will stay up and give the narcissist what they want.

The talk.

The time.

The platform.

But what happens the next morning, when brain fog and tiredness take over?

If you’re not feeling refreshed, then you’re even more vulnerable to the narcissist’s control and manipulation than before.

Loving Being in Control

It all boils down to how much they can control you. The more, the better, and I am really not okay with it. I’ve spoken to hundreds of people who have been affected by narcissists. They all say the same thing:

(The narcissist’s name) just loves to be in control.

No matter what the situation, the control has to be alive and kicking. 

It eats into everyday life, doesn’t it? Beyond that, it also eats into night time.

I see a common thread with victims post-break up with a narcissist, and that’s trouble sleeping. We explore it together, and it always boils down to the same thing:

Their nervous systems are completely dysregulated. They’re on high alert, all the time, for anything and everything.

They can’t relax, and when they do, they’re awake an hour later with a racing heart. 

There’s nothing wrong with you, other than being subjected to narcissism for far too long. And as soon as they get out of it, the time comes where they get to heal.

You can be the same. No person should be keeping you awake at night, wanting to steal more of your sanity. 

How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?

Narcissists are happiest when they have a partner they can twist, manipulate and control.

They love to be part of something where everybody else is smaller and less powerful than they are. Their lives have meaning, just as they feel they should daily.

There are specific ways a narcissist will manipulate their partners, though. As troubling as it may sound, these are textbook ways – and that’s where you need to pay close attention.

If this sounds like your situation, that’s because it likely is.

“My Reality is Fact!”

The reality is that you’re being manipulated by someone who has had much practice. They’ve been exactly where they are now, except with different victims. 

“You’re Nothing!”

Being told how worthless you are does a few things.

For the narcissist, it brings them to a new level of control and manipulation. If you hear something enough times, you will start to believe it. 

You believe it even more when you’re treated that way alongside those words. 

It’s all a tactic, created to destroy your hopes and dreams, your identity, and how you carry yourself each day. 

Where you once stood tall, you now slouch and try to be invisible.

That’s exactly how the narcissist wants you. 

“It’s Your Fault, Not Mine!”

Narcissists project to get whatever they’ve done wrong out of the light. They don’t want their faults or inappropriate actions to be spotted, and so they throw you out there instead.

So everybody looks at you. The narcissist looks at you as if they feel let down by you. 

And you feel that shame, because you take it on. And you take it on because they’ve pushed it so far into you that you have no choice. 

This design is set up to get them off the hook.

Thank God you are there for them to treat you this way – without you – they just might look like the bad guy.

Phew for them!

“…”

That’s right, the good old silent treatment. The way narcissists do this is by completely shutting down and ignoring you. 

If you’ve experienced it, I don’t need to tell you how uncomfortable it is. It induces panic, fear and worry, and like all things narcissists do, it is unnecessary. 

The silent treatment acts to give you nothing at all, so it’s easy for the narcissist to say, “Well, I didn’t say anything horrible. I wasn’t mean,” Then make excuses for them being quiet. 

When you’ve been given the silent treatment, you are left to your own insecure devices.

What did I do wrong?

How can I fix this?

What can I do to make them happy?

I must be a terrible person.

What’s going to happen next?

Do you need this?

No.

Yet they make it so prevalent in your world. 

It isn’t fair. 

“I Must Cause Fallout”

 What is life without a little drama? Actually, it’s quite nice. But then again, I’m speaking as an emotionally healthy person, and not a narcissist. 

The idea that drama is of such greedy interest to the narcissist is one that never fails to shock me. Why would anybody want to be in the middle of so much negativity?

Narcissists do. As people and emotions explode around them, they can act and do what they like and not be seen to be doing anything wrong at all.

Be careful here – narcissists want to pull strings to see a certain dynamic. 

If you’re a part of that, you will suffer. 

“Poor Me…”

The victim mentality of a narcissist can stop the most believing people in their tracks.

It’s all been too much for me.

I try my best.

I don’t know what I do wrong to upset people. 

I wish people would understand me.

These phrases tug at the heartstrings of those who want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and sadly – yes – it works. 

Narcissists always want to look as though they’re being wronged.

This injects:

• Guilt
• Shame
• Self-blame
• Self-loathing
• Insecurity
• Worry
• Anxiety
• Depression

In their partners, and they know this. 

They just don’t care.  

“Bringing You Back, Get Ready!”

Let’s take you back to a time where we were so in love, and everything was perfect!

We are so great, you and me. It was us against the world!

Think about all that passion we had. You’re never going to be able to find that anywhere else.

Oh, the manipulation game is strong with these kinds of phrases. They love getting you at your most vulnerable, reflecting on the distorted nostalgia between you.

It’s enough to make you paint over all the cracks in between, isn’t it? And there were a lot of those. 

What’s manipulative about this is the narcissist’s attempt to invite you to ignore their abuse, and only focus on the good (which was likely to have felt magical!) 

Don’t get sucked into this black hole.

“I Will Tell Everybody!”

Uh-oh. What’s that supposed to mean?

I think you and I both know this is not going to end well with you,

Narcissists will tell whoever listens what a horrible person you are and how you wronged them. They may stretch as far as saying that you are the cheater, you hurt them, you spread lies about them and you’re the manipulative one. 

It’s frustrating for victims, but beyond that, it’s absolutely destructive. 

Suddenly, your reputation is in tatters. It’s all based on the false word of the narcissist, who, by the way, is likely loving seeing your house of bricks fall down while their house of cards remains. 

“Nice, But Not!”

You go out, they act like the perfect partner.

You get home, and they ignore you.

You did this wrong, you did that wrong, you didn’t pay them enough attention, you flirted with that person.

Whatever it is, the charm will switch off. The mask will inevitably slip.

This is where the narcissist has learned not just to manipulate you but also to manipulate everybody else, too. They all think, “What a nice person. They’re such a good couple.”

Also the best one, 

“You’re so lucky to have them as your partner!”

Oh boy, if only they knew the truth, right? 

The truth is, you aren’t lucky. The narcissist is just very clever. They know buttons to press, when to press them, who to press them with, and they are always ready for it. 

You on the other hand then find it even more difficult to convince people of the truth.

This is the sole reason why narcissists manipulate – to make you look like the crazy one eventually, and for them to be the victim.