My job ticks a lot of boxes, but one thing I never do is judge anybody for staying in an abusive relationship.
Sure, I advise. I support. I listen.
The best thing I love to do is offer you reasons why you stay. There are many of them, but they all revolve around one common answer.
Sometimes, certain topics resonate more with readers than others, which is one of those foundational topics that every other behavior, action or belief builds upon.
If you can shake those foundations, then all that you believe about yourself will fall, allowing you to rebuild and re-empower.
Let’s start from the beginning.
What You Initially Loved, You Now Fear
Ah yes, the beginning – in every aspect.
At the start of your relationship, you won’t suspect abuse. You’ll be too blindsided by all the shiny lights your abuser is showing you.
This is so you follow the light, while they keep their true character shrouded in darkness.
An unsuspecting person is a strong target for abuse. That’s where they find you, and that’s how they lure you.
When a person is lured that way, it’s usually accompanied by some form of attachment, a bond so strong that it’s impossible to pull yourself away from them.
You learn to rely on them as somebody who is the answer to all your problems and whom nobody else could measure up to.
Their love was strong and protective – and they would fight for you. You felt seen as a result, and you didn’t want to be anywhere else.
It was perfect.
Until it wasn’t.
Suddenly the person you quickly grew to love, makes you flinch when they’re nearby. They try to make everything okay soon after they’ve lashed out at you, and instead of feeling comforted, you panic at their touch.
Fear is alive.
Your Insecurities Tell You “No”
Often victims stay in abusive relationships because they’re too insecure to walk away. They don’t know how to live without their abuser because all the control they have means you have none.
Where do you go with none?
How do you look after yourself with nothing?
You can’t imagine coping without them, so you decide to stay as your only option.
It’s Normal To You Now
The answer that makes me feel the saddest is the way their abuse is now normal to you.
The dysregulating way they treat you and make you live in a constant state of anxiety, has become something you’re actually used to.
You no longer know any better, and the idea of being in a healthy relationship seems scary and invasive—like you didn’t have any love to earn (unlike what you’re used to).
Without having to earn love, is it even love?
The blinding answer is yes, of course it is.
But if you don’t have to work to receive it, it doesn’t seem that way at all.
Shame
The thought of what other people will think when they realize you’ve been stuck in an abusive relationship makes you fear their judgment.
That’s not to say anybody is ready to judge you. If they truly care about you, they will instead want to reach out and do everything they can to help you.
The shame you feel will come from the assumption that people see you as weak. Why did you put up with it? How on earth did you think it was acceptable? Are you stupid?
And so, you stay.
Are There Disability Issues?
If your partner suffers with a disability where he relies on you for help, it can become the reason why you stay.
It happens a lot – where they need you to assist with their mobility, or if it’s more of a mental health diagnosis they’ve had separate from their likely undiagnosed narcissistic disorder.
Whatever the disability, it can be a reason why you stay, and that’s what makes it so difficult to leave.
You tolerate the abuse in the midst of trying to be there for them on a scale that does come with its challenges. It only adds to the strain on your current feeling.
Sticking Around For The Kids
I see this the most frequently.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, and you’re staying for your children, I am going to tell you now very clearly that you are only going to make things worse.
Staying in the hope that your children will be happier in this setting will not be beneficial or effective.
There aren’t many set ups worse than abusive relationships, and although your children are young, they aren’t silly.
“It’s Love”
You think it is, and it probably feels a lot like love to you, but it’s most attachment. The narcissist will have coerced you to form this when you met by loving on you intensely before they spun the charm into chaos.
For you, you’re left with this gravitating pull toward them, imagining nobody else but them in your life.
Does it look like love when you write down how they treat you? Is that how you act when you’re in love?
It’s not normal, and it needs to be realized.
Cultural Reasons
Not forgetting the many differing and various colors and creeds of this beautiful world, there are reasons surrounding a person’s culture that can keep them locked in an abusive relationship.
Whether that be a marriage forced, or the idea that a religion or belief binds you to your abuser – it can keep you staying.
Sheer Intimidation or Fear
Threats of violence or punishment are pretty common with abusive people. You’ll hear:
If you leave, I am going to kill myself.
If you leave, I will find you.
Don’t even think about breaking this up.
Who wants to hear that?! Nobody.
This is dangerous talk, and it only means you’re in a really serious situation that you need help with.
And yes, this adds a lot of weight to your need to leave. None of these toxic phrases or similar phrases should make you think, “Yeah, I’ll stay here.”
Abuse like this screams at you, and when it does, it’s time to look for support most safely and quickly you can.
There are hard truths as to why an abusive relationship is a place you stay. The cycle will continue, and even when you can’t take any more, it will continue.
Ask yourself, is this the life you wanted?
If it isn’t, it’s time you made a decision. One is all it takes to change your life.
