Do you ever get that feeling where you want to yell at a narcissist, “Just leave me alone!”
I hear you. They rile people to the point where you just want to lose it and burst. But it won’t work, because they will only see your annoyance as fuel to carry on bugging you.
Instead, there’s a way you can keep them out of your personal space for good, and you can get it by quitting giving them this one thing.
They don’t stop
It’s not in a narcissist’s personality to know when to stop abusing.
They’re aware of what they’re doing, but they are so incensed by their own ego that they don’t carry a guilty conscience alongside their treatment of you or anybody else for that matter.
If you’re being bugged by a narcissist, the chances are you tick a lot of their boxes.
You’re probably a very kind person, who forgives easily and too much. You don’t like conflict, so you do everything you can to avoid it.
You say yes when you really want to say no because you learned from a young age that disagreeing with these people creates more problems than just going along with what they want.
You feel deeply, and you are sensitive to the actions and thoughts of those around you.
Narcissists don’t stop.
New Guide
Most People Break No Contact Within Two Weeks. I Wrote a Guide That Shows You How Not To.
The exact steps, the exact scripts for when they come back, and an honest day-by-day guide through the first 30 days. 26 pages. Instant download.
Get the Playbook for $27 →PDF · Instant download · 30-day money back guarantee
And why? Because you’re too much of this…
What if I was to say the word obedient to you? Does it mean anything? Do you feel a slight shiver down your spine when you read it because it touched a nerve that was a little too close to home?
For those who need to hear it, obedience is the favorite part of you that the narcissist loves.
As much as you probably aren’t consciously aware, you do what they want you to do in so many ways, and that’s why they love having you around.
You fit the mold, and all the while you do, you are their favorite person.
They turn to you to bark their orders at you.
They turn to you to tell you that your reality isn’t real.
They look at you to give them compliments.
They know you will forgive them.
They shame or guilt you into a corner that you sit in.
Obedience doesn’t have to look like somebody who follows direct orders.
It can also mean the narcissist is trying to guide you to be the type of person they can easily abuse, and you follow the point of their cold finger.
Too much obedience, and the narcissist won’t have a reason to leave you alone, because you’re the perfect person in their eyes.
I won’t go as far to say that they love you for it, but they love it about you.
That isn’t the same as loving you.
So quit – watch what happens
And now comes the turning point in all of this:
What if you were to quit obeying their every direction?
What if you said to yourself, “I don’t like where this is going, and I don’t like who I am when I am around you. I want you to just leave me alone.”
Saying those words will rile the narcissist and give them more fuel to stick around even more.
But refusing to obey the abuse, refusing to be a part of their game, that’s when they realize you’re worthless to them.
There’s no point in having you around because you can’t do anything for them.
“Back off!” – the new you!
It can be a hard image to paint for people who have spent so much of their lives listening to and believing the words of their abuser.
It’s not easy to go from listening and agreeing with everything they say, to having a mind of your own and using it no matter what your thoughts or opinions are.
In fact, I’d go as far to say that it’s downright impossible to do unless you really want to start living like your own person. I have to say though, the change is almost immediate.
Narcissists are so used to you and your patterns of behavior that the moment you change, they notice.
What’s going on with you?
You seem different?
This isn’t like you at all.
That’s right. That’s the point. You’re living life in a way that calls for those who mistreat you to back off. You’re living in a way that proves you want a different outcome.
The abuse was never about you, it was about the abuser. Compliance doesn’t come by them meeting you and immediately barking orders at you.
Compliance comes through a series of manipulative tactics they use to bait you, hook you, and bond you to them. It’s quiet, but it’s done over a significant amount of time.
You don’t even realize you’re complying…
…Until you stop complying.
Why it works: Sarah
Somebody I have worked with before on this topic wanted to write a short piece for you, to try to help you understand why this works.
“I had been married to Tom for several years. With each passing year, I felt like I knew myself less and less. It got to the point where there was this moment where I realized I’d given up so much of what I love because Tom had not necessarily asked me to, but insinuated that I should.
“You don’t need this job.”
“I don’t think you’re appreciated by your friends.”
“Your mom seems to always let you down.”
Comments that left me isolated, yet I remained agreeable. The moment I realized that was the moment I promised to try to see through his suggestions.
He didn’t want me working because he knew I was close with my coworkers and their opinions mattered to me.
He didn’t like my friends because they were starting to become suspicious about him. He didn’t like how close I was with my mom because it was a threat to him.
One day, I met my friends anyway, and that was enough for him to explode. It was then I knew.
Something wasn’t right, and I had to decide whether or not I was willing to stay in this marriage knowing he would never support my wishes. I couldn’t keep living for him.
The sad part was, the more I realized he did this, the more of what he did became obvious.”
Do you see how easy it is to oversee the narcissist’s demands, and how impossible it is to unsee it once you notice?
You are not an extension of the narcissist
Ultimately, the narcissist will always want you to do as you’re told. They love that about you. And when it stops, that is no longer there to love.
Knowing that you’re not an extension of them, you’re your own person with your own thoughts and beliefs, you can act on those and stop being treated like you are there to obey and nod in silence.
Use your voice when it matters, and stand in defiance of the narcissist, and I can assure you, they will almost immediately back off and leave you alone.
