I love talking about a narcissist’s past, because I can almost hear the panicked gasps from them as I begin.
They run for the hills. They shut their ears. They smile sweetly and say there’s no problem.
Except there’s always a problem that is covered up with lies.
So what exactly about a narcissist’s past will they just never admit to, no matter how much you ask?
I feel that it’s my duty to tell you, because their past is certainly not all roses.
The Past: Nothing To Be Ashamed Of
Okay, so our pasts may not always be painted to resemble a rose garden, a tea party, and a fine day, but is there anything to truly be ashamed of?
I believe that life is about stages and versions of yourself that exist or used to exist.
If you’re not particularly proud of a part of your past, I look at it as a memory, a person you once were.
And although technically, you’re the same body and mind, that body and mind have changed over time, alongside your morals, values, and opinions.
In other words – we live, we learn.
Narcissists will refuse shame. They don’t want to be anywhere near it. And if it just so happens that their past is less than perfect, they will never paint it that way. It will be the rose garden, tea party, on a fine day…
…Even if it should be!
The past is a problem for narcissists – and this is often because of the following:
The Past Of The Narcissist: They Will Never Admit These!
#1 Their Childhood Dynamic
Interactions, patterns, relatives and their roles – and how those roles look while being played out. It all matters, and is all included in family dynamics.
So where did the narcissist sit in their dynamics over the years? What did their past consist of, and how did it shape them to be the toxic person they are known to be today?
It would make sense if they somehow grew up in a household where they were neglected or didn’t get the love or attention they wanted. Something needs to make sense, and to justify their behavior, right?
But you won’t get the truth. You might hear that they had a hard time, and they can play on that, using it as an excuse for how they treat you. But you will never hear all of the truth.
#2 Vulnerabilities
Children are more at risk of physical or emotional harm. They don’t get to pick which house they grew up in, who raised them, and how.
As we age, we are still vulnerable to hurt and pain. It’s most out of our hands though, isn’t it?
If somebody doesn’t love you anymore and wants to leave the relationship, there’s not much you can do about it.
Any kind of vulnerability a narcissist has will be similar, and so they choose anger over sadness.
They don’t like to get too attached, and love too deeply. Because of this, you will never hear them talk about past relationships and how their endings made them feel. All you will hear are things like this:
It didn’t really mean anything to me.
I’m better off without them anyway.
They were nothing but boring!
Who cares? I’ll move on to the next!
Heaven forbid they’ve ever been vulnerable and in love – it’s just seen as nothing but weakness.
#3 How They Reacted To Trauma
Trauma is a complex concept that differs for everyone affected by it.
As a child, those innate emotions that cannot be hidden are much more raw and authentic—being afraid, feeling lonely, and becoming withdrawn.
Trauma fundamentally changes people, and it can be carried into adulthood. While some deal with it and work through it in therapy, others swallow it and keep it within them.
And that can result in emotional and characteristic drama.
I experienced this, and now I have to find a way to pretend it never happened.
So I will overcompensate on everything and act like I have lived the perfect life.
If anything, narcissists ridicule other’s trauma.
Goodness sake, get over it.
We all had a tough life – nothing special about yours!
People who talk about their traumas are brave, and open to vulnerability.
It’s how we connect as humans. When one person can relate to another, we find commonplace.
Narcissists would much rather look down their nose on people who speak so frankly.
Isn’t it a shame that they can’t just pour their heart out and speak the actual truth, not just their distorted version of it?
#4 Their Ex Count
Oh you know, I had a few partners in the past.
It’s possible to hear that kind of reaction to the narcissist’s number count if they want to play down the number of people they’ve slept with, but on the other hand, it could go the other way:
More than I can count. Which means you should count yourself lucky that I’ve chosen you!
Yuck.
Don’t flatter yourself.
#5 How They Don’t Talk To Their Exes Anymore
Right.
So you’re telling me that there is no ex on their socials? Stored in their phones? Contacted when their day or night seems extra lonely?
Don’t believe it for a second.
Their exes may be a part of their past, but they’re lying to you if they’re telling you they have no contact with at least one of them.
#6 People Accusing Them of Being a Narcissist
Imagine if they gave you what you wanted.
You’re right. I am a narcissist. People used to tell me this all the time!
Never going to happen.
Opening up to you about past conflicts where they are in the wrong, or accused of being the very character you know they are will help you, not them.
They don’t want you to have any weight added to your thoughts.
Any accusations will remain tightly under lock and key – forever!
#7 Why They Really Moved
Narcissists love to pack up and move when things aren’t going their way.
When their world starts irreversibly falling apart, they would sooner up and move rather than stay and be caught up in the fire.
If their reputation lies in tatters, they need a fresh start somewhere where nobody knows them, and they can build up their image and ego all over again…
…With an equally fresh set of people!
It’s half the reason narcissists find it so easy just to move somewhere.
