Right before you fall asleep, narcissists want to make sure that you will get none. They won’t do it in ways that are obvious, but that’s where the confusing part comes in.
For years, people can assume their enemy of sleep is natural, and they struggle forever to try to get a good routine.
This is without realizing that, in fact, the narcissist you know is responsible for your lack of quality rest.
Let’s talk about the ritual that narcissists perform right before you try to fall asleep. Then you will know this is all them, and not you.
#1 Setting you up: the perfect evening
Step one for the narcissist is disarming you, and before bed is the perfect ime for them to force you to let go of any kind of peace you’re feeling.
The evening will probably begin so well. You’re calm, even pleased that the vibe is just right. A movie, a meal, a catch up over a glass of wine.
There is soft lighting and laughter, and a fleeting feeling of comfort and closeness that lures you into a false sense of security.
Maybe everything is okay, after all.
I already feel for you, knowing what is about to happen.
Narcissists love to create that peace because then your guard starts to lower without you even realizing it.
The chaos that follows feels even more jarring. The narcissist cannot stand your peace, so they look for any reason to ruin it.
#2 Cozy is a million miles from what’s about to happen
You’re just starting to settle down. You give the place a once over before you retreat upstairs, so that you don’t come down to mess in the morning.
You head upstairs, light a candle, and feel great that nighttime is here, and a chance for some restful restoration.
We are winding down, and it feels good.
This sense of coziness is so important for the narcissist to observe.
Watching you look like you are in just the perfect mood is the perfect ground for the narcissist to swoop in and steal it all from you in the blink of an eye.
A shift in the air, followed by that heavy feeling of dread is usually where the narcissist knows they’re in full control.
It can take victims years to feel that, and this is why I have to raise it here.
You’re in the cozy window, and that’s where the narcissist knows they’ve got you where they want you.
#3 Getting ready for bed
The ritual really starts kicking in here.
As you brush your teeth, take off your make-up, and put your phone on charge, you thank your lucky stars that the day ended well.
But wait…
The narcissist becomes a little attentive or distant…
Then it happens. One of three things:
1. They start a fight about something small. Maybe you left a towel on the floor, or forgot to lock the front door. Perhaps they tell you that you have a certain tone of voice. Anything will do it!
2. The narcissist becomes cold and silent, which only makes you anxious, and you start to wonder, “Did I do something wrong?” The calm goes right out the window.
3. Worse of all, the narcissist becomes hyper chatty, wanting to grab your attention. They suddenly want to talk for hours about something dramatic or emotional.
Whichever one of the three points they will choose, you will feel the same level of unease.
#4 The bedroom vibe
By the time you enter the bedroom, the vibe is no longer calm. You can feel your body tighten. You’re aware that something is off.
The narcissist can, and indeed, may:
- Pace around
- Sigh loudly
- Climb into bed with aggression and a mood that kills the atmosphere
- Face away from you
- Start scrolling on their phones loudly
- Let out deep, irritated breaths, waiting for you to ask what’s wrong
- Slam drawers; the height of triggering for many victims
- Fill the air with passive-aggressive silence
It’s a shift designed to shake up your sanctuary. The candle may as well blow itself out at this point, because the tension is so thick that you suddenly don’t feel tired at all.
It affects victims so much because the bedroom is the one place you’re supposed to feel relaxed, and the least place you should feel scared and controlled.
Confusion hits you, and it gives the narcissist immense power.
#5 Getting into bed, closing your eyes, and…
The narcissist strikes.
Here it all comes.
Then:
We need to talk.
Why are you acting like this?
Are you mad at me or something?
I don’t know why you have to act like this.
Do you even love me?
Do you care at all?!
There’s this thing that’s been on my mind…
Or the really classic:
Picking a fight or nothing.
This timing isn’t random, and I need you to be aware of that. It’s perfectly timed and executed so that you are at your least ready for an argument.
#6 Knocking you out of your zone
Then you’re wide awake, and they know that’s what was going to happen. Your nervous system kicks in and your fight-or-flight activates with force and speed.
The wrong kinds of hormones fill your mind and body, and you know you’re not getting any sleep for the foreseeable.
This proves that you are just about surviving, rather than thriving in your relationship.
When they knock you out of your sleep zone, several things happen:
- You become emotionally compliant
- Your brain can’t think logically
- You doubt yourself more easily
- You become dependent
When you’re knocked out of your zone, you feel helpless. And that’s the key isn’t it? Your helplessness is attractive to them.
They love seeing you confused, being tossed around the emotions like you’re a plastic bag in the wind.
#7 Sleepless night for you – not them!
Once the narcissist has got you where they want you, they will roll over when they’re ready and go to sleep.
And believe me, they do fall asleep at the drop of a hat. This is no good for you; you’re wide awake now, and nothing is going to send you into your sleep.
It’s like the final twist of the knife, isn’t it?
They’ve got exactly what they want in creating an environment for you to lose sleep. Tomorrow you will be confused, foggy and not on the proverbial ball.
The more you pace the house, cry in the kitchen, toss and turn, replay the conversation, or lie awake in an anxious knot, that’s a huge win for them.
My ritual worked.
You being tired means to them, you are:
- More controllable
- More confused
- More insecure
- More apologetic
- Less likely to stand up for yourself
- Too drained to see the bigger pattern
Its a crazy pattern, and once you notice it happening, you won’t be able to unsee it.
As it goes, this is some really creepy s**t that you are sadly going to fall victim to if you stay with a narcissist for long enough.
It’s your call – but take my advice – run!
