Can you see them? What do you mean no? You clearly aren’t looking hard enough.
No, you really need to look.
Hard, isn’t it? What’s hard is that covert narcissists are some of the most difficult people to spot.
They hide themselves well, under a sheet of fake smiles and crocodile tears. They utilize their pseudo-sensitivity in order to look like pillars of society.
In reality? They’re the devil in disguise.
Here are 12 signs of the covert narcissist – the worst kind.
#1 Fragility is weaponized
Have you ever noticed how covert narcissists are always too something? Too busy, too tired, too anxious.
I’m talking about specifically leaning into the demands of you bending over backward to help them.
They don’t do it in a way where they deem themselves helpless, but they do like you to drop everything to soothe whatever they’re going through.
It’s their way of seeing themselves as important, and you not so much.
#2 Praise unless subtle, is uncomfortable
I don’t know how you do it all.
You know, covert narcissists love this kind of praise. They don’t like anybody to be too over the top, I mean, that would be way too obvious.
Instead, they like consistent, thin layers of butter because it reminds them that they are seen as good, even honorable people who are so good at juggling it all.
And then what? You feel inadequate because you struggle? Everybody struggles. Covert narcissists do as much as they can for praise, and nothing else.
#3 Performative empathy
I know what you mean. When I…
Always comes back to them, doesn’t it? Every little thing you go through, the covert narcissist has their own similar tale to tell you, to make it all about them.
Before you know it, you’re pushing your issues to one side and soothing them, offering empathy and understanding.
How did that happen?!
#4 Poetically allergic to empathy
Maybe I’m just too sensitive.
I guess I’m just overly difficult to love.
Oh dear, here we go. And you’re supposed to chase them with your, “No, I didn’t mean it like that! Of course you’re not difficult to love, you’re amazing…”
Right there, you’ve placed yourself where they want you. It isn’t self-reflection at all, it’s just an opportunity to garner some sympathy and praise from you to make whatever is going on all about how they feel.
#5 Broken people they can fix equals BIG YES
There’s zero compassion involved in covert narcissists fixing broken people. All this has to do with, is an imbalance of power, where they get to be in charge.
Need a makeover? Need some advice? Need a favor? It’s not about the cover narcissist helping you because they’re a good person and they care about your wellbeing, it’s about what comes after.
The recognition.
You wouldn’t have been able to do that if it weren’t for me.
Yuck!
#6 Invisible when they want to be
I’ll just say this:
When you need them, they’re nowhere to be seen. Refusing to answer calls or messages, they’re busy.
When they need you, they expect you to drop everything for them and answer straight away.
It’s a selective type of invisibility, but you can bet they have perfect the craft.
My advice would be to stop relying on them so much, and cut some distance between you both so they don’t run to you first if they need something.
#7 Taking credit for your success
You wouldn’t have gotten through that interview if I hadn’t calmed you down the night before.
Please. Credit where credit is due is unfortunately stolen and replaced with yet more ego.
The narcissist feels they have to remind you how important a role they play in your life. Hopefully you think, “Hang on a second. Did you go to the interview and talk your way into a new position?”
If that’s how you think, then congratulations. You see past their ridiculous ideas.
If not, now’s the time to expose covert narcissists for their lame attempts to make everything about them, even if you’re exposing them inwardly.
#8 Subtle digs
You hear the dig, and you scan the immediate area for anybody else who may have caught it too, but nobody looks.
You’re alone! The good news is, you’re aware of the digs and how they’re coming from a covert narcissist. The bad news is you now have to live with never unseeing the digs!
The word covert means hidden, so you’re going to see this person and their hidden agendas as a real threat to your wellbeing if you don’t start learning how to deal with them.
#9 Being misunderstood is their biggest fear
You’ll know a covert narcissist as soon as you start seeing them being misunderstood in real time. The panic will etch on their face and they will be unable to hide it from you.
No, no, I didn’t mean that!
Of course I know that’s exactly what you meant!
Oh! I thought you meant…
The words will fall out of their mouth faster than their conscience leaves the room, and actually it’s pretty funny to witness.
#10 Need help? Hand over your independence
Selling you the idea that they can fix anything in your life is common for covert narcissists. They are good people, they just just want to see you happy.
They don’t. They want to take charge and take the attention from you by doing whatever it is for you.
Then what? You don’t do it for yourself and learn how to be independent? That shouldn’t be how it works!
#11 Quiet sabotage
What goes on behind the scenes, stays behind the scenes. You don’t need to know anything about it until you feel the pain. By then, it’s too late.
Quiet sabotage goes on while the covert narcissists smiles and acts like they’re not responsible for it.
They can make or break friendships, ruin plans, and give you the silent treatment if it means you react.
That’s what they want.
#12 Apologies equals self-praise
I’m sorry that I care too much.
Oh no you don’t. Don’t say sorry while simultaneously blowing your own trumpet, that is the height of uncool!
Acting like they’ve been put out because you have asserted yourself in some way will see that fly back to you.
They hope for an apology from you, and this kind of phrase is exactly how they get it.
Don’t buy it. You know what they’re trying to do. Falling for it will put you right where they want you.
#13 They never forget
No narcissist forgets, especially the covert ones. They retain everything, because they know they can likely use it against you at a later date.
Do you really want to be forever in the covert narcissist’s emotional debt?
Let your mistakes fall by the wayside, and never believe them when they tell you years later that you are in the wrong. It’s a diversion tactic, and nothing more.
#14 Philosophy or spirituality is their armor
Covert narcissists love to work on their own spirituality. I’m not saying everybody spiritual is a covert narcissist, but they do love to find a peaceful, soothing avenue to explore to try to convince people they mirror those values and beliefs.
It’s the oldest trick in the book when they turn to you with all their knowledge and wisdom, when you know they are simply full of something else!
