In every person’s healing journey against narcissist abuse, there has to be some kind of lightbulb moment.
This is where you awaken to something you didn’t even think was possible, let alone actually real.
I assure you, it is. This would happen to be the number 1 warning sign that you are an adult child of a narcissistic parent.
You think you’ve broken those generational curses, but there’s one more battle in your hands.
Let’s take it back
All the way back to when you were so little, you didn’t really know what was happening at the time.
With hindsight on your side now, that little person you once was didn’t know any different.
They thought it was normal that you had the kind of parent who was overly critical, overly controlling, and irrational and inconsistent with their moods.
You lived with it because you had no choice, and the older you got, the more you associated your mental health and emotional dysregulation with their behavior.
The pieces fitted together in a way that caused you great pain, and you went on a journey of the soul to heal and find light in your heart again.
And here you are now, with the conscious awareness that you had an overcritical, narcissist parent.
The hypercritical narcissistic parents
Nothing was right, no matter how hard you tried. You spent hours tidying your bedroom to make them happy, only to be told off for not getting your homework done yet.
You sat and did your homework the next week in a messy room, and was criticized for not taking care of your things.
You weren’t allowed to like music unless it was what they liked. Anything else was meaningless noise.
You didn’t help around the house enough, and when you were old enough, you didn’t get a job quickly enough to help pay rent.
You picked the wrong major at college, you made the wrong friends, the list goes on.
As a result, the real you was kept small. You couldn’t grow in an environment that refused you water and light.
The promise you make to never repeat
When the time came where you got to be the parent, your attitude toward your past flipped on itself.
There was no way you would allow yourself to be that parent to your kids. They deserve kindness and compassion.
They need unconditional love, and the room and space to get to know themselves and grow into their own.
You want to be there for them and make sure they have everything they need. It’s non-negotiable.
You will never be your narcissistic parent. You knew how it felt to be on the receiving end and now you are removing your new family dynamic of a painful past they needn’t experience.
But wait…
The warning sign is brewing, and it’s going to shock you to your core.
You may not be the hypercritical parent to your kids, but instead, you use that hypercritical voice for yourself.
I didn’t promise this to be an easy ride, and I know through all my time helping people through their own experiences with narcissists – this is where pain is found. This is where realization opens up and lets the light in.
All this time, your focus was to not be that person you had to endure, but the voice never really left you, did it? It stayed with you and you still listen to it.
Lightbulb moment!
It’s where I’ve witnessed people I’ve worked with bury their face into their hands and sob as they realize the life they’ve lived.
Yes they’ve been free from narcissistic parents for some time, but their voice has never been far away.
Whenever they try to do something new or exciting with their lives, they talk themselves out of it, or tell themselves they’re not doing it right.
They want to be perfect or nothing at all, so a lot of the time they fail to even want to try.
Thinking this is just a part of life, you’re probably imagining all these times and how they’ve kept you safe.
Safe from failure, or safe from success. You’ve needlessly carried the burden of giving yourself a hard time for no reason at all, but it’s okay, because you’re kind and patient to your kids.
You tell them that it’s okay to make mistakes, and that no matter what, you’ll love and support them whenever they need it.
You encourage them, clap when they win and remind them of their worth when they’re down.
But are you there for you? What do you say to yourself when life doesn’t go your way?
This is typical.
I never do anything right.
Why can’t I just concentrate?
Why do I have to rush things?
I really am a calamitous fool.
It’s really unsurprising that I lack the patience to do the simplest of tasks.
All that hard work at the gym and I come home and eat a cinnamon bun. What’s the point?
The music I listen to really is outdated garbage.
Why do I waste so much time watching old reruns of Friends?
You can keep listening all you want, but whose voice is it? Until now, you thought it was yours.
You are wrong.
Stepping out of the cycle
Cycles seem never ending, don’t they? That’s why they’re hard to step out of. You think you can just do it, but you actually need to want to do it.
The idea that the voice that’s criticized you harshly all through these years can be silenced is a daunting yet possible concept.
I think sometimes that’s where victims have to rethink what’s happening, after all, that voice was never yours to begin with.
Handing it back feels empowering and fresh, like the world becomes your oyster all over again.
The moments where you’d be inclined to be negative to yourself, try a different approach.
Swap, “You’re useless at this,” to, “You’re learning to do something new. Take your time.” Swap, “You wouldn’t last five days in a job like that even if it is your dream,” to, “I want to try something new, and I think it’s worth a shot.”
And your kids? You can teach them that they don’t need a narcissistic parent in order to experience criticism.
It can happen any time, any place, from anywhere, even the constructive kind! It’s about what you do with it, and how you allow it to help you.
Do you listen to the opinion of everybody else just because they think they’re right, or do you listen to yourself?
Is there a time where criticism can be useful if in the right words and scenarios?
It’s worth remaining open in those circumstances, after all, it may be you giving constructive criticism some day (and if you have kids, I’m sure that day will come sooner!)
You can move on from this habitual process with self-compassion, after all, thoughts are just that – they are not facts.
All the times you’ve said something critical to yourself, you’ve stopped yourself from wanting or getting something you’ve been thinking about.
It’s time that stopped, don’t you think?
