We’re all familiar with the narcissistic cycle of abuse.
Those four stages – idealization, devaluation, discard, hoovering – are what you’d expect, right?
What if we broke these stages down even more? I am shocked nobody has done this before, but if we were to look at all relationships with narcissists, I’d say there are easily 8 stages.
They are right here…
#1 Idealization
Starting off with a big bang I know many of you will have previously heard of.
The idealization stage is where everything feels perfect. You feel like you’ve met the person of your dreams, and all other bets are off.
To be that sure so soon takes a level of risk that you have to give your all to, right? How else can you be certain that it will end happily?
Because the narcissist will have you fall for their every word and every action.
It’s where you let go of all your doubts, and throw yourself fully into this fairytale that’s being presented to you.
Like a gust of wind, your life went from moving one way to the opposite. All your thoughts and hopes pile up into them, and they promise to never let you down.
You think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them simply because that’s what they tell you.
This is it for you.
#2 Devaluation
In comes the change of direction. Just as you’re being carried by a wave of perfection, you come crashing into the rocks in the bay, without a life jacket.
The critical comments will start. You don’t quite cook the dinner properly, or you’re being too sensitive or happy or sad or angry.
Your hobbies begin to grate on the narcissist, and they tell you that you spend too much time with your friends.
They don’t like your job, and want you to quit and find something with less hours or less expectation on you as you don’t seem to “handle it well.”
You as a person are pulled down, and the chipping away at your character begins.
This is not the fairytale you signed up for.
#3 Gaslighting
That didn’t happen.
I think you’re overreacting to this.
You’re imagining things.
I’m sorry you feel that way.
You feel everything too much.
When gaslighting kicks in, so does the removal of your reality. Your perception of how something happened is replaced by what the narcissist wants you to believe.
Eventually, you’ll automatically divert all your thoughts to how the narcissist thinks, removing your right to be you.
It’s a dangerous stage of a relationship with a narcissist. Losing your individuality and ability to think for yourself will leave them dominant over you in many aspects.
#4 Silent treatment
Or withdrawal, however you want to look at it. Silent treatment, if it hasn’t come for you yet, will come fast.
It’s a game narcissists love to play, namely because they get to see your reaction when they refuse you.
If you’re the victim of silent treatment, your natural reaction is to ask what you did wrong, how you can make it better, how long they will be quiet for…
…These are all questions the narcissist wants to hear. They love the desperation in your voice because it validates their existence.
#5 Exhaustion
When you feel so drained and depleted from walking on eggshells and trying to please a never-pleased narcissist, things are never going to get better for you.
If I can be clear, your energy is being sucked out of you intentionally. This isn’t just a result of an argument or two, or you trying to fall over to make them smile…
This is the narcissist purposely making it hard for you to be perfect for them. It’s the worst kind of treatment, and yet you’d be shocked at just how many victims get used to the way they’re treated.
They think exhaustion comes from not having enough hours in the day, or working a little later and longer than usual, or from the generalization from the narcissist that ‘things are tough out there right now.’
These excuses are designed to move your awareness from them to other things.
It isn’t. It’s all them.
Is it really worth it?
#6 Recognition
The sixth stage is where everything starts to fall into place. You know you aren’t imagining things any more, and you can even start to predict patterns that are now coming about since you met.
You can predict how they react when you say or do a certain thing, and you’re even seeing familiarity in their lies.
Patterns are crucial for long-term change. I like to think of them as once you see them, you can’t unsee them.
That’s where victims call to themselves and say, “I just can’t do this any more. They’re a different person and I can’t avoid how that makes me feel.”
It’s empowering, but it can also be a little scary to feel those dynamics shift.
When you’re used to being the agreeable partner to a person who likes to take charge of everything, you’re now seeing them for who they really are. Whether or not you want to admit it, it’s game over time.
#7 Escalation
Now it’s time for the narcissist to have one last push before they realize they’re fighting a losing battle.
They escalate their old tactics and throw in new tricks while they’re at it. They want to know if anything will work to keep you and to elongate the duration of the relationship.
Think about how they might try to pull you back in and how desperate they must be at this point.
New declarations, offers of marriage, moving to wherever you want if it makes you happier; whatever it may be.
This for me is the real turning point for you, because you could easily just submit and agree to whatever they’ve got.
You know in the past some of the games have worked for you, and the temptation is real. So what do you do?
My advice would be to hold your own and step back to see what’s really going on here.
Yes, it all seems so tempting, but when you look at the stages prior to this, are you really wanting to sign up for more?
#8 The final break!
You did it, you made the decision to leave. Welcome to stage 8 of your relationship with the narcissist.
I was worried about you in stage 7, thinking you might actually invest in another round with them, but you came good. You learned that going back is not the natural order of the world.
Now, you might notice the narcissist wanting to retaliate. After all, you left them and they will have a very sore ego.
This is normal, and you should take it as lightly as you can. It doesn’t matter what they attempt, the promise you made to yourself to leave and move on must be where you start to heal.
You cannot heal in the same place you got sick.
Stage 8 is the final stage, where you become sure of what you want and are able to put the relationship behind you.
