Listen, I am not one to promote mind games, but seeing as you’ve had to put up with them from the day you met the narcissist, it seems only fair to make a few innocent suggestions.
I want to talk about psychological tricks. Ways that you can get a point over the narcissist in this dynamic you were dragged into.
If you can be on board with any of them, then you’re going to be the one steering the ship that you’re both on.
Confuse them? Let’s give it a go!
#1 Gray Rock Method
The infamous gray rock! How many of you have heard of this? It’s a pretty solid way to confuse a narcissist, I’ll give you that.
Really messing with their minds, gray rock is how you gain control back from a situation, and leave them reacting to you for once.
Most victims get exhausted from that constant feeling of being cornered until they snap, bend or break to whatever the narcissist is dishing out.
It’s a terrible thing to push somebody to the point where they feel they can’t hold it in any more, and it’s highly unfair.
Imagine being the bad guy, doing the bad things, then blaming the innocent party when they responded to your bad behavior?
Gray rock puts you back in the driving seat, but not enough talk is laid on how challenging it can be to learn.
It takes time and patience, and that is where you have to make that promise to yourself to keep trying until you get there.
Examples of gray rock include:
- “Yeah, I’m not sure.” – A vague, non-committal response to avoid engagement.
- “Just the usual.” – When asked about your day or plans, keep it boring and uneventful.
- “I haven’t really thought about it.” – Deflecting opinion-based questions without inviting more conversation.
- “Okay.” – A neutral, non-reactive answer that doesn’t give emotional fuel.
- “It’s fine.” – Dull and non-detailed, shutting down further probing.
Be nothing. Be that gray rock and blend into the background and it will guarantee a confused response from the narcissist.
#2 Silence Over Explanation
Aren’t you tired of giving out explanations? It is a hard thing to keep trying to give answers when you really haven’t got anything to give.
Often, victims overcompensate in their answers to narcissists, too. They want to try and make it better as quickly as possible, and it’s just another way for them to exert their power over you. You fall over yourselves, right?
I am so sorry.
I didn’t mean to do that.
I tried to make it work, but in the end, I couldn’t.
I went to get the potatoes you like but they didn’t have them, so I hope these are okay.
I was going to do the dishes but my mom called, I’m sorry. I’ll do them now.
In these circumstances, ask yourself why you’re falling over somebody else just to please them?
More importantly, would the narcissist be happy if you actually did do those things? Probably not – they’re never happy!
Instead, stop explaining. The narcissist really doesn’t need to know, and all you’re doing is giving them more of a reason to believe they’re in charge.
That you almost fear them not knowing why you did or didn’t do something. It’s not how you should be living your life, and it doesn’t have to be this hard.
And yes – it will confuse them if you just stop caring about the explanation and instead just live your life.
#3 Unexpected Kindness
The term ‘kill them with kindness’ has never been more appropriate here!
And it’s so true – the last thing narcissists expect when they’re unkind to you for the thousandth time, is for you to reciprocate with compassion.
I’m not talking about forgiving them for what they’re saying or doing – instead – I mean the following:
Making them a coffee even though they didn’t ask for one. Say, “I’m just making sure you’re staying hydrated. I know how much you love your coffee.”
Offering to cook their favorite meal that evening.
Letting them know you’re always there for them.
Paying them a compliment (this is a big one – narcissists can’t resist taking every one they get).
To the narcissist, it’s a shock to see you being kind when you’re supposed to be crying or yelling at them with your usual confused or helpless tone.
Now it’s the narcissist’s turn to be confused.
#4 No Reaction to Their Provoke
You’d normally though, wouldn’t you?
You’d likely do something that will make them feel both smug and superior in the hollow inside of the narcissist.
That’s how they usually get their kicks, and how you end up losing a little bit more of yourself to them and their abuse.
I know it’s tricky to hold it in when you want to let it all out and tell them what you think of them, or even just cry because they’ve upset you.
All I will say is – they’re provoking you because they want to see you react.
What kind of person seriously goes about managing their relationships like this?
It’s absolutely revolting to me that this is how narcissists operate, but all the while you’re giving it to them, they will take it.
If you stop? They won’t know what to do.
#5 Setting Boundaries (and sticking to them)
Boundaries only make you stronger, while making the narcissist weaker. For that reason, the dynamic of having boundaries as a victim of narcissistic abuse just cannot exist.
If it did, there would not be much abuse getting through your defences.
So, it comes as no shock that implementing them will send shockwaves through the narcissist’s core – and will really confuse them.
They will have gotten very used to you saying yes, letting them walk all over you, and totally disregarding how you may feel about anything and everything.
The key to bringing boundaries into your life is sticking to them. Don’t give them up, even when the narcissist is pushing you.
They want to see how far they can do that before you break, but it’s in how unbreakable you are that their weakness shines brightly.
And what happens then?
They’ve got nobody to use and abuse.
Just what you want!
#6 Calling Out Inconsistencies Calmly
Narcissists are infamously inconsistent. Moods, promises, opinions, thoughts, actions – none of them are going to stay the same from one day to the next.
Do you put up with them? Probably.
That’s what’s got you to this point, and all this time passed.
When you start calling it out, you’re asking the narcissist to be held accountable for what they’ve done (or not).
You’re saying, “Look. This isn’t right. You need to stick to your promises and word.”
Where did this more direct version of you come from?!
I don’t care, as long as it’s confusing the narcissist!
#7 Walking Away Mid-Drama
When the narcissist lures you into conflict, they’re getting exactly what they want from you.
Your time, attention, reaction – it’s all supply to them.
The moment you learn to walk away is when you drop their game like a hot potato. So what if they get the last word. Who cares if they continue to yell at you.
The aim for you is to protect your wellbeing, and walk away. Leave them wanting more from you, but refuse to hand it over.
Preserve your dignity and inner calm by letting them know you are not a fan of this childish behavior.
They will soon wonder what to do next.
