If you want to know a secret, it’s that there are a lot of painful ways narcissists treat you.
It isn’t just one, single thing. If it were, we could pinpoint it, and look out for that in the people we love or date.
But there are more. Some are obvious, some are subtle, but they all hurt.
To keep you from hurting any more than you need to, I’ve compiled the 13 most painful things in the hope they can act as red flags for you.
#1 Mean alone, charming in company
It’s like two different people! When a narcissist is able to control when they’re nice to you, you know they are 100% toxic.
As if you needed reminding of that, though, right? I mean, you knew it already due to the long list of experiences you’ve had with them.
You’re perfect for me.
I couldn’t ask for anybody better.
Oh look, there’s people around.
You’re an embarrassment.
Nobody could love you.
Ah yes, you’re behind closed doors. They time it right to make sure you are confused all of the time, and after so many moments like this, you’re going to feel hurt.
The emotional inconsistency they ship your way like they’re some kind of FedEx driver is unbelievable.
Stop signing for packages that you didn’t order!
#2 Erase your self-worth
Your self-worth is what makes you. It’s what carries you, and gives you the notion to do things that feel good.
Everything comes from there, but if it’s been erased, where do you even start?
You don’t, like many victims. There’s no starting at all, and that’s how the narcissist likes it. The problem is, none of us are meant to live that way, and so it hurts like hell.
You’ve got to feel worthy, otherwise you will find yourself slipping into an emotional swamp for the rest of your life. All because your abuser tells you things.
It doesn’t mean they’re right!
#3 Lock up your confidence
Why do you deserve to have your confidence locked away? That part of you unafraid to try new things, or to stand up for yourself, or to do something out of your usual; it disappears.
Only it doesn’t just leave of its own accord, it’s stolen from you and locked away, hopefully (to the narcissist) never to be seen again).
For you, the solution is simple. You let it happen, and you just get on with things. It’s not as if you need confidence any more.
The less of it you have, the less likely it is you’re going to overpower the narcissist and (heaven forbid) gain more attention than them.
Without confidence, you have n o say, and with no say, you’re fully in the narcissist’s control.
#4 Program you
Being programmed is no joke, but it’s sly and constant.
You’re programmed to believe the lies.
You’re programmed to understand that you don’t get to make choices any more.
You’re programmed to believe that you aren’t good enough.
You’re programmed to not want to go for that amazing job.
You’re programmed to be scared to live alone due to all the responsibilities and bills you have to pay.
You’re programmed to not want to see your friends or family.
You’re programmed to not take care of your mental health.
What could be more painful than all of that?
Not much.
#5 Anxiousness central
Anxiety may not have been overly familiar to you before you met the narcissist, but it sure as heck is going to be known to you after a period of time knowing them.
It’s hardly surprising when they turn you out of yourself every day and leave you in a state of never knowing what to expect.
Anxiety runs deep, and it can leave a firm imprint on your life if you let it overrun the rational part of your brain.
#6 Blame you
Nothing will ever be the fault of the narcissist. To preserve their perfect image, it will be you to blame.
And you’ll learn to accept the blame and find a reason to believe they’re right and valid in putting the weight of it all on you.
You’ll apologize for things you haven’t done, and try to make it up to them when they seem displeased with you.
#7 Smear you
Your name is only as good as the way you treat the narcissist. If you treat them well, there will be minimal damage. The moment you expose them ,step out of line, or tell them you’re leaving them, your name will revert to mud.
And yeah, you can lose who you once considered to be close family or friends all because the narcissist wants to look like the good guy.
Smear campaigns are not for the weak, but you have to rise above them if you want to heal.
#8 What goes up, must come down
You’re having great times with the narcissist, and have just enjoyed a week away on vacation by the lake. You’re back, and feeling on top of the world, but reality sets in.
The moods are back.
The impatience returns.
The criticism has been cranked up another level.
Whenever good times happen, they’re ultimately replaced by the more negative at some point. When you think about the anxiety side of things, that’s exactly how it starts to manifest.
Nothing good can always be good for long. Something will always ruin it.
You’re right there. What goes up, must eventually come down.
#9 Use you
You were only ever good for stealing supply from until you weren’t good at supplying it any longer.
That’s the sad reality. You can be the best part of a narcissist’s week until they find the next person to steal soul and energy from.
Discarded like you never mattered, you will be left in a confused hap on the floor, while they move on happily like you never existed.
#10 Tell you they love you
Love is love. Love is not abuse or manipulation, or game playing, or jealousy, or control.
Love should be a feeling unafraid to show itself, and an emotion to be proud of.
When a narcissist tells you they love you, they’re saying it to keep you close, and to keep your supply even closer.
It’s time to tell the difference between.
#11 Make promises
Future faking, as many therapists and professionals call it, is a way of keeping you hooked on a belief that something amazing is lurking in the future.
It’s not. It’s just a ploy to keep you waiting, like dangling bait in front of a crocodile but then never getting to snap at it and eat it.
You wait and hope, and wait and hope. But nothing.
And yes, a lot of time can go by while you think, “What am I doing wrong in that this promise isn’t being fulfilled?”
You’re doing nothing wrong.
#12 Ignore your boundaries
Boundaries are there to be respected, and if yours aren’t, then you have to ask yourself some serious questions.
In this respect, you can help heal the pain you’re feeling by being stronger with what you believe is wrong and right, and allowing yourself to say yes or no when you want to , not because you have to.
If you don’t, you will lose yourself and it can really start to hurt over time as you lose more of your true self.
#13 Cheat
Cheating, my God. I could talk all day about it, but instead I will say:
No cheating is acceptable. And it’s all the more painful when the person who cheats doesn’t care a single bit that they’ve hurt your feelings.
No remorse equals no second chance. If they can do it once, you can bet they will do it time and time again.
